“I don’t believe in the afterlife, and I know it was just a dream and concoction of my own thoughts, but when I woke up that morning, I felt a pull to you, Ry. I tried drinking it away, hence why I ended up at your place that night. I wanted to sit in Jace’s office, and in my drunken state, I thought he might show me a message to confirm my dream, but he didn’t. I then realized it was just my own selfishness wanting to be near you.” He whispers the last part. My heart beats out of my chest with that small confession. He stands, drying his hands on the towel. I keep my head rested on my lap, watching him as he walks toward the door.

  “You want to know how I do it, Ry? How I get through losing my son.” He stops at the door and turns toward me, keeping his eyes on my face.

  “You. You’re the light in my darkness.” He walks out the door, closing it behind him and leaving me stunned and feeling more confused than I ever have. But what I do know is, all the pain I felt half an hour ago is no longer there. He made it stop.

  Chapter fifteen

  Rylee

  I think I saw every hour on the clock last night. My head was swarming with thoughts of Cash. Everything that should bother me, isn’t anymore, it’s just thoughts of him and everything he said. How it all made sense and then “ You. You’re the light in my darkness.” That has changed everything.

  It wasn’t until I was in bed that it hit me: I was in the bath naked, and Cash washed me. No one has ever done that for me. I cried in bed, but not because I was sad, but because of how overwhelming the whole situation was: his words, his touch, his gentleness. I have missed that feeling.

  My nightstand clock reads 5:52 a.m. I sigh heavily, rubbing my eyes. I’m not meeting Toni until eleven, and there’s no way I will be able to sleep now, so I may as well start the caffeine intake. I drag myself to the end of bed and sit there, pushing the bags under my eyes while staring at myself in the mirror. They’re probably worse because of all the crying yesterday. I run my fingers through my silky hair, and the memories of Cash massaging my scalp flash through my mind. My whole body erupts in goose bumps. I let out another sigh before pushing myself up off the bed. Coffee will be my only friend today.

  As I turn the corner into the kitchen, I gasp at Cash sitting at the island, with the lights on dim. My breath hitches when I realize he’s in plain navy lounge pants and no top. The dim light above him makes him stand out more than he normally does. The light bounces of his muscular arms leaning on the countertop, his back muscles are bulging. His hair slightly curled at the ends, stick up like he has run his fingers through it multiple times.

  Then his head moves, and he stares at me. He always reminded me of someone, and I could never pinpoint who until now—a sexier version of Henry Cavill, if that’s even possible. He eyes me up and down, taking me in. It’s like his gaze is burning into my skin as it runs up my body. I don’t even move, I just stand there. When our gazes meet, then he looks away. It feels like he just rejected me. Ouch.

  “You’re up early,” he mumbles.

  I tiptoe into the kitchen, wanting to get this coffee and head back to my room.

  “Yeah, I couldn’t sleep,” I say as I pull a cup from the cupboard. He doesn’t say anything, so I follow up with “You?” I glance up at him as I pour the coffee.

  He nods, finishing the coffee in his cup. “Same.” He places the cup down and pushes his chair back. Why does he have to leave just because I’m here? He’s so hot and cold all the time; I never know what he’s thinking. The Cash from last night is long gone, and back is the moody, unpredictable Cash.

  He starts to walk out of the kitchen and then turns back. “I have some work to do in the office. I’m going to work from home.”

  I nod while taking a sip of my coffee. “Okay, well, I’m going out at ten thirty.”

  His jaw is clenched as he asks, “Where?”

  “I’m meeting Toni for coffee.” If he wants to be hot and cold, then so can I.

  “Where?” he grits out again, sounding like he’s losing his patience with me. My eyes meet his in a sharp swing.

  “Pearls,” I grit out. He stares at me but then spins on his heels and walks out of the kitchen.

  Ahhh, he’s such a fucking asshole sometimes.

  Cash is nowhere to be found once I’m ready. I thought I would do the decent thing and say bye before I left. I’m surprised he didn’t lock me in the room. My phone goes off to let me know my ride is here. Once I’m in the Uber, I drop Toni a message to let her know I’m on my way. I have this niggly feeling in my stomach, and it gets more intense the farther we drive away from the house. I was hoping getting out of the house would make me feel better, but so far, I feel sick.

  I stare out the window, watching the world go by. Baltimore is a stunning city. The sun beams down on the tall buildings, bouncing off the glass, creating starbursts. The Uber pulls up at Pearls, only a short five-minute drive from Cash’s house. Cash wanted to be close to the office, so he chose smack dab in the middle of all this beauty.

  I smile at the driver and say, “Thank you” as I step out of the car and shut the door, but all I want to do is get back in. I stand on the edge of the sidewalk watching people rush past, my heart racing.

  Come on, Rylee get a grip. I speed walk to the door.

  “Rylee!”

  I jump out of my skin, spinning on my heels. My heart beats so hard, I can hear it. “God, Toni. Don’t do that.”

  Her brows draw together. “Are you okay, Ry?”

  I sigh. Lack of sleep and being out on my own since James, is not a good mix.

  “Yeah, sorry. I just, I don’t know.” I sigh out.

  “Hey, let’s get inside and get a coffee.” She brings her arm around my shoulder, ushering me into Pearls, and her comfort eases me.

  “So . . .” Toni eyes me over the rim of her coffee cup as she takes a sip.

  I squint at her. “We have literally just sat down.”

  “And you have a lot to tell me. I had to go all last night not being able to find out what is up. Do you know how hard that was for me?” she says, not smiling. If something is up with me and I don’t tell this girl straight away, it’s normally hell to pay.

  “Ton,” I groan. I don’t even know where to start.

  “Okay, hold that thought.” She puts her finger up to me and digs through her bag, scanning the room like she’s about to pull a gun out of her bag and point it at someone. Why does she look so suspici—

  “What are you doing,” I hiss. Now it’s me scanning the room. Toni pulls a small flask from her bag and drops some liquid into our coffees before placing it back and putting it under the table. She picks up the spoon and stirs our coffees while I just stare at her, mouth agape. Picking up her coffee, she takes a sip, then her eyes roll back as her shoulders move up and down a few times.

  “Perfection,” she says. “Okay, shoot.”

  I sometimes wonder where I found this girl.

  “What the fuck was that you just put in my coffee?” I eye her.

  “Taste it and find out.” She wiggles her eyebrows.

  “Sick bitch,” I mumble before taking a sip of my coffee. I choke when the alcohol burns my windpipe as I swallow.

  “What the fuck is that?” I wheeze.

  “Rum. Now, get that tongue moving, miss.” She wags her finger at me. I freeze with the cup midair, trying to work out why she is acting like drinking rum in coffee is an every morning occurrence for her. Hell, it probably is, I wouldn’t put anything past this girl.

  “Toni. Why are you spiking our drinks with rum?”

  Holding the coffee in one hand, she waves the other in the air. “Call it a . . . sixth sense. It’s needed.” So much for my coffee to wake me up.

  I sigh. “I have no idea where to start.”

  “How about you start at what the fuck is going on with you and Daddy, huh?” I stare at her wide-eyed. How did she know?

  One side of her lip tilts. “I’m not stupid, Rylee, and quite frankly, Daddy isn’t great at hiding how crazy obsessed he is with you.”

  Emotion clogs my throat, and a sob escapes at the relief I feel knowing I can finally talk to someone about this and everything else that has happened in the last twenty-four hours.

  “Oh, my baby.” Toni drags her and her chair next to me and pulls my head into her chest while I cry.

  “It’s such a mess, Ton. Everything is such a mess.” She holds me for a little while longer before leaning back for me to lift my head.

  “Listen, baby girl. I hate seeing you cry, you know I always want to make it better for you, but I can’t do that if you don’t tell me what’s going on in that pretty little brain of yours.” She wipes away my tears with her thumb and then passes me the coffee.

  “See, sixth sense. I know these things.” She smirks and winks. Toni is the only one who could make me laugh while crying. I sigh, knowing I need to get this off my chest.

  “I have feelings for Cash, like deep feelings.”

  “Well . . . okay, I think we need to forget the coffee and head back to your place for this conversation.” I nod and grab my bag. She downs her coffee as we stand.

  “Wait, hold up.” She jogs back to the table, downing my coffee, then she shivers as she walks back. She smiles as she approaches me.

  “It’s needed.”

  Chapter sixteen

  Rylee

  Ton and I curl up on the sofa. I wanted to be close to Jace, so I got some photo albums out of us over the years. Many people don’t collect photos in albums anymore, but I do. I love looking through them; it means more than flicking through albums on your phone.

  “He was so beautiful,” Toni says, stroking a finger down one of the pictures.

  “I did good, didn’t I?” I smile at the one of him leaning against a bar at someone’s birthday.

  “He did just as good.” Toni nudges my side. I smile down, flicking through the pictures. One after the other guts me each time, but I need to see him.

  “I can’t believe he’s dead, Ton,” I whisper, and a tear slides down my cheek. She lays her head on top of mine as we stare at a picture of Jace and me smiling into a kiss.

  “Have the police said anything?” she whispers.

  I shake my head. “No. They are still looking for him.”

  “You haven’t spoken about what happened? You know you shouldn’t hold that in. I’m here to listen.”

  I take a deep breath. “I know, I just don’t want to relive it all. I told the police everything and now I’m trying to put it to the back of my mind.” I pause, wondering whether I should say something but then internally beat myself for ever thinking I should hold something back from her.

  “He did say something that keeps playing in my head.”

  “Mm, go on,” she whispers.

  I continue flipping through the pages. “He said it’s so much deeper than I could possibly think.” I haven’t stopped thinking about it. What could he mean?

  “What is?” Toni questions, lifting her head to look at me.

  “I don’t know, that’s the thing. Something doesn’t feel right.”

  “Leave it to the police, baby. They will get him, you know that, don’t you?” I nod. I’m sure they will, but what if they don’t, what happens then? I have to live my life looking over my shoulder everywhere I go? Toni brushes through my hair with her fingers and grips my face.

  “What am I going to do with you, my Rylee.”

  I smile. “Tell me about it. I ask myself this every day in the mirror.” We laugh and then fall silent. What am I going to do, though?

  Toni lets go of my face, sitting up a little straighter. “Are you going to tell me about what happened between you and Daddy, then.”

  I squint at her. I don’t think she will ever stop calling him that. I roll my head back, groaning. “Where to even start.”

  “Ow, that hurt.” I rub at the spot she just smacked me.

  “Stop deflecting just spill, verbal diarrhea me.” Her word choice is worrying sometimes, but I do just that, I explain everything from when Cash turned up to my place drunk, to the night at the bar, and then to last night. I explain through tears everything I have been feeling: the confusion, the guilt. By the time I have finished, I’m sobbing into her chest.

  “The guilt is eating me up, Ton. It’s been nearly four months since losing Jace, four fucking months,” I cry out. “How can I have feelings for his dad, and the worst part about it, I don’t feel any guilt when I’m with Cash. It’s like he takes all the pain away, but then as soon as he’s not around, it hits me like a ten-ton truck.”

  “Okay, baby. Let it out,” Toni whispers, holding me tight and stroking the back of my head.

  “I don’t want you to just agree with me, but please tell me how sick and wrong this is. Don’t sugarcoat shit.” She pulls me away from her chest.

  “First, I am your best fucking friend, okay. I will never sugarcoat shit for you, if I think you’re wrong, I will call you out quicker than you can blink.” Her shoulder rises as she leans in closer, keeping strong eye contact with me until I nod in understanding.

  “And second.” She sighs, her shoulder drops, and her face softens. “I will also tell you when you’re right and . . . What you’re feeling, there isn’t anything wrong with it, but I do think you need some time.”

  “What do you mean some time?” I wipe at my tears.

  “Some time to yourself, time away from Cash. This guilt won’t go away until you have accepted it yourself. I also think.” She grabs my hands, lacing her fingers through mine and frowning down at her hands.

  “Go on.” I urge, wondering what she’s going to say.

  “You know you will always love Jace, right?” Her eyes flicker between mine.

  I nod. “Of course.”

  She smiles. “Then one day you will have to accept that you can love him forever but also let him go.”

  I nod, letting my head drop. “You’re right, I think I’m just scared that I’ll never be able to even though I know I need to.”

  Toni’s phones pings for what feels like the hundredth time since I’ve been with her. She keeps her eyes on me, giving me a tight-lipped grin.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” I raise my eyebrow at her. “Are you not going to check that, it won’t stop pinging.”

  “Uh-huh,” she says, pulling her phone out of her bag. She huffs, typing something out, her fingers punching the screen, and then she chucks it back in her bag and her eyes swing and meet mine straight away.

  I narrow my eyes at her. “Who was that?” I gesture to her bag.

  She waves her hand in the air. “Just some guy. So, when are you back to work.” She attempts to change the subject, but I know Toni, if it was just some guy, she would be shoving a picture of his dick in my face or telling me how big it is.

  I tilt my head, and her eyes widen. “Who was it?”

  Her eye twitches.

  “God, I hate how well you can read me, it’s annoying as fuck sometimes, you know. God forbid anyone wanted to throw a surprise for you, you would have it out of me within five minutes.” She rolls her eyes, huffing.

  “It’s Cash.” I rear my head back, and then it clicks into place.

  “Is he checking up on me?” I frown at her. She winces but then puts her hands out in front of her.

  “Hold on. He’s not checking up on you, more just . . .” She twirls her hand in the air.

  “Checking up on me, Toni. That’s the only explanation.” She slaps her hands down on my lap, causing me to wince with the sting.

  “No, but it’s not what you think. He’s worried about you, can you blame him?” She’s right, but I hate how he’s rude and then checks up on me.

  “It just annoys me. After the way he was with me last night, telling me I’m his light and then today can barely be in the same room as me,” I mumble, feeling more irritated now that I’ve said it out loud.

  “Ry, he is falling for his son’s girlfriend. I bet his head is messed up more than any of us can imagine.” Ton’s eyes soften. “I think he needs time as well. If these feelings are real, then they will bring you back together, but you both need time away, to try and work through everything on your own that is going on in your heads. A lot has happened over the last three months. It’s a lot to unload, and although you two helping each other is amazing, you can’t work on each other’s guilt together. It won’t work.”

  I side-eye her. “Have you ever thought about being a therapist.” We laugh because Toni as a therapist would be hilarious.

  “Honey, I’d end up sleeping with half my clients. Let’s not.” We lean into each other, laughing to the point tears well in my eyes, but this time, they’re not sad tears, they are happy ones.

  “This is true,” I say, still laughing. We fall silent, both sitting on the couch staring at the wall.

  “Have you spoken to Rachel?”

  “Not face-to-face, just over text. The company said I don’t need to rush back, but I think I want to. I miss my lunches with Rach.”

  “I think it will be good for you too. Ease yourself in though, don’t go storming back into that office and working stupid hours again, you need to work on your feelings, not bury them.” She points at me.

  “Okay, counselor.”

  “Piss off.” She laughs. “You know what I’m in the mood for.” A devilish smirk graces her lips.

  “I would say sex, but there are no men around, so, erm wine?” I squint, questioning her.

  “Henry Cavill.” She squeals. I raise my hand in the air for her to high-five me.

  “I second that.”

  She claps. “Oh my God, have you seen Night Hunter with him?”

  I tilt my head, trying to think if I have. “I don’t think so.”

  “Ahhh,” she shouts. “Girl, you will never!” She claps while dragging each word out. “See him look so fine as you do in that film. We are watching it tonight. Wine and takeaway, you down?”

 

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