A Place Called Home, page 1
To all the coffee growers and coffee lovers around the world!
Contents
Part One: Leaving Home
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
Part Two: Half-Way Home
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
Part Three: The Homecoming
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
Part Four: A Place Called Home
25
26
27
28
29
30
Acknowledgements
About the Book
About the Author
Copyright
Part One
Leaving Home
‘In the sea there are countless treasures,
But if you desire safety, it is on the shore.’
—Saadi
1
2003
A Secret
THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF SECRETS. SOME WE WEAR LIKE an invisible cloak, which we don when we need to be shielded from the judging eyes of society, and discard over a few drinks in the company of friends. These are harmless secrets. Others are the kind that weigh you down like a stone. You bury them deep, deep within you. You carry them around for so long that they become an intrinsic part of you, till you no longer see them as burdens. These kinds of secrets you take with you to the grave. Or at least you intend to.
But the problem with a secret is that when it is between two people, you can never have complete control of it. You can only trust the other person to keep it, and carry on with your life.
As Alka walked briskly up the winding, curved mountain trail of the coffee estate in Sakleshpur that neatly sliced the dense forest in two, she was not thinking about her secret at all. It was the last thing on her mind as she passed the pepper vines that climbed the tall silver oak trees. They had been planted specifically to provide shade for the newer coffee bushes. She inhaled the cool nippy air, stuck her hands in the pockets of her hoodie and trudged on, listening to the birdsongs, the cicadas and the ceaselessly chirping crickets, trying to make sense of the thoughts that were hurtling inside her head like avalanches. She thought about how young she was when she had first set foot in this coffee estate. It had only been ten years and yet she felt so much older now. Before she had her girls, she could have climbed this path easily, without stopping even once. Now she wasn’t even half way through and she was already panting. Childbirth. It did that to you. Motherhood was great, but it demanded its price, taking a toll on your body.
She took a deep breath when she reached Shepherd’s Point, the plateau (her very own plateau) named by the British planters from whom Subbu’s great-great-grandfather had bought the planation in the 1800s. When Subbu’s father inherited the plantation, he had renamed it Anandi Estate after his wife, but had let all the British names within the property—Silver Brooks, Gurgling Waters, Laughing Meadows, Misty Blue Cottage and Poet’s Paradise—stay intact. First-time visitors to the 400-acre coffee estate were fascinated by the quaint British names. Alka, however, had got used to them.
What was still fresh for her, was this glorious sight that stretched out before her. This magnificent, spectacular scene that she never got tired of—the deep green mountain peaks tiptoeing to kiss the cobalt-blue clouds. Every single day the sky changed. It was sometimes a deep purple, sometimes orange; at times a wispy white and, on a day like today, it was the brightest and loveliest blue. Looking at this sight, the troubled thoughts in her head faded away and for a few moments, she felt at peace as she gazed at the magnificent white clouds.
Alka sighed as she sat down on her rock. It was hidden from view, because it was surrounded by thick Nilgiri champa bushes that were in full bloom today. The white flowers danced in the breeze and the branches seemed to take Alka into their fold as she took a deep breath, inhaling their sweet scent. She reached into her backpack for her water bottle, greedily gulping the cool water. Sweat trickled down her forehead and she wiped it away with a small towel she retrieved from her bag. Closing her eyes, she lifted her chin to feel the cool mountain breeze on her face.
Alka was relieved that it wasn’t raining and she could be here. Today, she needed to get away from all of them. She wanted time to think. She had to squash the thoughts trampling on each other inside her head. She forced herself to think of the choices she had made, and why she had made them. Mostly, she reminded herself that she was a married woman and a mother now. She tried not to think about a different life, one where she was not bound, tied down by duties and obligations. For all these years, she had convinced herself that she was perfectly happy, and she’d felt absurdly grateful for all she had. But now? She wasn’t so sure anymore.
She’d never thought that being around Krish would be this hard. She had, several times over the course of the past many years, given careful thought to what she would say to him when they met again. She had known for certain that they would meet. What she had not anticipated was that he would forgive her—not after what she had done to him. But today, he had proven her completely wrong.
‘The passage of time changes many things—but mostly it changes our perspective. We think about the unforgivable things that people we loved did to us, and with time, we forgive them. We think that we will never talk to those who wronged us—and there was a time when I thought I’d never again speak to you—but then, we discover the love we felt for them is still there. We think we never want to cross paths with someone again, but when we do, we are glad it happened. That’s how I feel towards you, Alka,’ Krish had said.
Alka was shocked at how his words had cracked everything open. It was as if he had thrown a grenade into the heart of the life she’d made for herself. Eight years of a solid marriage, two adorable daughters, a 200-year-old heritage bungalow she called home, a stable, comfortable life that she’d worked hard to create—now all of it seemed to have been built on a hollow foundation. How little it took! A few sentences uttered by a man she had sworn to put behind her, a man who was also her husband’s brother. Her heart pounded and she took deep breaths to calm the turmoil rising up inside her.
Her eyebrows knitted in a frown, she sat lost in her thoughts, oblivious to her surroundings, till she heard a distinct low bellowing sound. From her vantage point, she could see a group of Chitals grazing. The locals believed that when you spotted a deer, it was a symbol of harmony, peace and longevity.
But what Alka was feeling was far from harmonious. Krish’s words had destroyed her peace of mind.
What had made Krish say all these things to her? He had a wife and a child too. What did he even think would happen anyway? Did he think she would throw away all of this to go off into the sunset with him?
To be fair, he had gone on to clarify that he didn’t expect her to do anything; that he didn’t want anything from her. Alka couldn’t understand why then had he expressed his feelings. Why hadn’t he let the unfinished business between them stay that way? Why in the world did he tell her that he still loved her? How dare he throw her heart into turmoil like this?
One part of her was angry. He had no right to walk in here and say all those things to her, and stir feelings she didn’t know what to do with. But another part of her also knew how ridiculous she was being. It was his home too! How could he not come back to his ancestral home? Subbu too was overjoyed at seeing his brother after so long.
When she finally stood up, there was an expression of calmness and certainty on her face. She’d made up her mind, and as she walked back towards her home, she knew the way forward. Whatever Krish felt towards her was his problem, she decided. With every step, the thoughts going around in Alka’s head gradually untangled themselves. Walking helped her think clearly and as she approached the house, she became more and more sure of her decision.
She would do nothing. He would leave in a few days. Hopefully, when there was once again some distance between them, things could go back to normal. She had managed to suppress her feelings for so long. She had shut them up and put them away. She could do it again. And this time, she wouldn’t allow them to resurface. She would put them in a box and keep the lid tightly on. She couldn’t do this to Subbu. Subbu might not be a great husband, but she had made a choice and she would honour it.
Alka’s gait grew slower and her heart became heavier with each step she took. Though her mind was made up, she also knew that deep down, nothing had changed. She felt the same way towards Krish, like she had all those years ago. Theirs was a relationship that had sprouted in secret, been nurtured in secret and now she would kill it too, in secret.
As she reached the bungalow, she was glad Krish was nowhere to be seen. She would do her best to avoid being alone with him from now on, till he left. But she was surprised to spot Subbu standing at the top of the steps. He was usually never home at this time. She smiled and waved at him, but he did not smile back.
She saw Krish then, emerging from the house, freshly showered, wiping his head with a towel. He came up to the door and stood next to his brother.
‘Good walk?’ he asked Alka, his eyes never leaving her face.
Alka nodded.
She looked properly at Subbu then. His face was dark with rage. His lips w
Alka felt her pulse racing. She felt a surge of guilt submerging her. Panic followed. Did Subbu know about her and Krish? No, it wasn’t possible. She knew Krish would never tell him. Krish would never do anything to harm her. Or his brother.
Subbu’s eyes were blazing and he was staring at her with a look she had never seen before. It was a look of disgust, hatred and anger.
It was a look that could only mean one thing. Subbu knew her other secret. The one she had hidden from everyone, including Krish. She didn’t know how he knew, but suddenly, she was certain he did. Her worst nightmare was unfolding in a way she had never expected it to. She looked down, unable to meet his eyes.
‘Krish—please excuse us. Alka, we need to talk,’ Subbu said, still staring at her. ‘Come upstairs,’ said Subbu as he marched up the stairs and into their bedroom.
Alka quietly followed.
2
1981
Mrs Shetty’s Home, Delhi
Delhi
‘ALKA, TANVI’S BED IS NOT MADE AND YOU HAVEN’T picked up her uniform from the floor either! How many times do I have to remind you? You need to get to these things as soon as you come back from school, understand? Not later.’ Ranita Shetty’s voice boomed through the house, making Alka hurriedly swallow the lukewarm tea her mother had kept for her. She rushed out, wiping her mouth on the sleeve of her T-shirt, her favourite one with the picture of a cartoon cat on it. It was the best among the hand-me-downs she got from Mrs Shetty, who gave her many of Tanvi’s old clothes.
‘Sorry, madam, I am doing it right away,’ Alka said as she entered Tanvi’s room. She picked up Tanvi’s school bag and, after taking out the books and arranging them on the bookshelf, put it away. She took Tanvi’s shoes and laid them neatly inside the shoe rack in the hall. She collected the discarded socks, the school uniform and the underclothes that Tanvi had left in a trail on the floor. She patiently cleared away every single item. Next, she went to the kitchen, got out the dusting cloth and cleaning liquid and began wiping Tanvi’s desk. Tanvi lay on the bed, her eyes closed, and her head phones plugged into a Walkman that was beside her. She was smiling, swaying her head to the beats of the song. A few days ago, she had proudly shown Alka the headphones as well as the Walkman. Her father had gifted it to her when she visited him for the holidays. Tanvi told Alka that he’d got it from the US, and it wasn’t available in India. She said that her father would most likely be moving to the US and she’d be visiting him there over the summer holidays. She described the tall buildings in New York City, the cafes, the parks, the trams, all of which her father had told her about. To Alka, it sounded like a fairy tale. She wasn’t sure if Tanvi was making up these things, but she had nodded dutifully to every word Tanvi had said. She knew if she listened carefully, Tanvi would be pleased.
‘You are so lucky,’ Alka had said, her eyes never leaving the Walkman, and Tanvi smiled and replied that she was.
Then Alka had asked if she could listen too, and Tanvi allowed her to use the device for a few moments. Alka had never heard anything like it, and her eyes widened in surprise as the crystal clear notes formed a melody in her ears. She listened till Tanvi snatched it back. After that day, she had never allowed Alka to use her Walkman.
‘Are you done with cleaning, Alka?’ Mrs Shetty’s voice rang out.
Tanvi removed the headphones and paid attention to what Alka was doing only then.
‘I have told you not to touch my desk. Look how you’ve messed it up!’ Tanvi cried angrily.
‘I only tidied it. I haven’t—’
‘Maaaaa! I told you not to get her to clean my stuff. How many times do I have to keep repeating it?’ Tanvi ignored Alka and yelled out to her mother.
‘Alka, don’t touch her desk,’ Mrs Shetty called out from the hall.
‘Yes ma’am,’ Alka said automatically, suppressing her annoyance. It was Mrs Shetty who had instructed her to clean Tanvi’s desk, and now she was singing a different tune. Alka knew from experience that a few days later she would be reprimanded for letting dust gather on the same desk. Mrs Shetty could never say anything to Tanvi.
‘Are you done there, Alka? If you’ve finished, come to the hall and press my feet,’ she said.
Of all the duties she was assigned, this was the one Alka hated the most. Mrs Shetty’s legs were lumps of lard which Alka had to knead.
‘A little harder, a little more pressure,’ Mrs Shetty commanded as she rested her feet on the stool and sank back into the cushioned chair. Alka sat on the floor and knew that she would have to keep pressing till Mrs Shetty asked her to stop. Alka detested touching her feet.
‘Seema, bring me some chai please. And use a lot of ginger. I have indigestion,’ Mrs Shetty called out to Alka’s mother, her eyes closed.
‘Yes, madam,’ said Seema. She always took care to make the tea exactly the way Mrs Shetty liked it.
‘Aaah, this is bliss,’ Mrs Shetty said as she took a sip of the tea Seema brought to her a little later. Alka was hoping she would tell her to stop. She had a lot of homework to do. But it seemed like today, she was in no mood to let her go easily. When at last Mrs Shetty finally told Alka to stop, it was already past 6.30 p.m., which meant that there was no time to play in the park today.
Alka’s teeth chattered as she washed up hurriedly, scrubbing her hands furiously under the tap in the bathroom she shared with her mother. The ice-cold water turned her hands an angry red. She wasn’t allowed to use the other bathrooms in the house, and the one attached to their tiny room did not have running hot water. Every morning, before Alka left for school, Seema would heat water for her on the stove. Alka mixed it with cold water in the bucket and took a bath. But she couldn’t ask Aayi to heat water just so that she could wash her hands.
That night seemed like one of the coldest nights. Alka hugged her mother tight as they lay huddled together on the floor on a thin mattress, covered in the fleece blanket they shared. Alka asked her mother whether they could ask Mrs Shetty to buy a room heater for them.
‘It is so cold, Aayi. My teacher said that this is one of the worst winters Delhi has faced, and a few people have died as well because of the extreme cold,’ she added.
‘Shhh—no Alka. I’ve told you many times not to ask for things. We should be content with what we have.’
‘Why Aayi? Why should we be content?’
‘Ranita madam is already doing so much for us.’
‘You are doing so much for her too.’
‘You won’t understand. We have to be grateful to her.’
‘Why won’t I understand Aayi? I am nearly ten now.’
‘Did you finish your homework?’
‘Yes, Aayi. But I know you are changing the topic. They have a room heater in the guest bedroom which no one uses. I am sure Mrs Shetty won’t mind us using it.’
‘Alka—I said no. Go to sleep now. As long as we have each other, we will be fine,’ Alka’s mother pulled her closer and held her till she fell asleep.
Next evening, after Alka had returned from school and finished cleaning Tanvi’s room, she approached Mrs Shetty, who was speaking on the phone to her friend. She waited patiently till the older woman disconnected the call. Then she said, ‘Please madam, it is very cold at night. Can we have a room heater that no one is using?’
Before Mrs Shetty could reply, Alka’s mother came running out from the kitchen and gave Alka a smack on her head.
‘Sorry madam … She doesn’t know what she is asking. Apologize immediately, Alka.’
‘But why should I apologize?’ Alka asked. Her teacher had told her that we should apologize when we have wronged someone. She didn’t think she had wronged anyone.
‘Alka—you are being arrogant. This is not right. Is this what I’ve taught you?’ Seema’s voice rose as she scolded her daughter.
Mrs Shetty looked at Seema and raised her hand. Seema stopped speaking and looked down at the floor.
‘Look Alka, I am sending you to the same school as Tanvi. Am I not?’ Mrs Shetty asked.
‘Yes, madam.’
‘Do you know it is one of the best schools in Delhi?’
‘Yes, madam.’
‘Do you know how much the school fees are?’
‘No, madam.’
