Going Overboard, page 15
I mean, come on, what does he want me to say? Does he think Celine Dion’s ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me Now’ is going to start playing and I’m going to throw myself at him? Because I’d sooner chuck him overboard, ‘My Heart Will Go On’ style, like there’s only enough room on this balcony for one of us to survive.
Because that’s how I feel, right? I don’t want him back…
It’s hard not to compare him to Brody, to his good points anyway, but that’s dumb, because Brody and I are not a real couple, and even if we were, it’s starting to look like Nikki might be trying to get him back too.
Are they allowed to do that? To make a mistake, to blow everything up, have their cake and eat it and then get their old life back? Only if we let them, I guess.
‘Just… think about it,’ he says, clearing his throat. ‘Please. Just promise me you’ll think about it, because we can get it back, we can get the dream back on track. Seeing you here, with Brody, it’s given me a clarity I didn’t have before.’
I chew my lip, unsure how to reply to that.
‘I think I need to go to bed,’ I say. ‘Get some sleep. I can’t think straight with this seasickness.’
‘Right, okay, good thinking,’ he replies. ‘Sleep on it, see how you feel tomorrow.’
As I head back inside, I notice that Nikki and Brody are still chatting, his hand still in hers. As I walk through the door, he quickly snatches it back – whatever that means.
‘I’m going to bed,’ I say, my voice steady, cold even, as I head for the bedroom.
I don’t give either of them the chance to reply, and it’s my turn in the bed tonight so my plan is to get in it as quickly as possible and go straight to sleep – or pretend to be at least, because I don’t think I want to speak to anyone else tonight.
I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.
25
Another morning. Another ungodly early start in the gym.
Although, if I’m being honest with you, I don’t hate it, not like I used to. It’s amazing how quickly your body adapts to a new routine – mine genuinely believes I’m an early riser now.
Granted, I might feel differently about it if I were actually working out, but coming here to spectate is actually kind of fun.
Brody is currently on one of the treadmills, running like he’s being chased by something terrifying. He’s all hot and sweaty but I’d be worried if he wasn’t, the way he’s pounding the conveyor belt below him – if that’s what you even call it.
In contrast, I’m lying on a yoga mat, with a couple of the pillows propped underneath my head. Unsurprisingly, I didn’t sleep all that well, which is a real shame because it feels like a waste of a night in the bed.
You know I’m not usually one to shower Brody with praise but, credit where it’s due, he does work really bloody hard in the gym. It’s exhausting to watch. Even I need a shower afterwards – I don’t mean that as dodgy as it sounds, I promise.
He starts to slow down, transitioning to a walk, then stopping altogether.
He wipes the sweat from his brow with the back of his forearm as he walks over to me.
‘Come on then,’ he says, plonking himself down on the mat next to me. ‘What’s on your mind?’
‘Nothing,’ I say, shrugging my shoulders as much as I can when I’m flat on my back.
‘Except I know you better than you think,’ he says. ‘Part of my job is to get in the head of my opponent.’
‘I’m your opponent, eh?’ I ask with a smile.
‘Or my teammates,’ he adds. ‘You learn to read people. I can see your brain going at 100 miles an hour – you overtook me on the treadmill.’
I laugh.
‘Come on, what’s up?’ he says. ‘You can talk to me.’
Should I tell him? Should I ask him?
Screw it.
‘Do you want Nikki back?’ I ask, cutting to the chase.
Okay, I definitely have his attention now. I don’t think he was expecting me to say that. He turns his head toward me, one eyebrow raised.
‘What?’ he replies.
‘You heard me,’ I say. ‘And that wasn’t an answer.’
He shifts slightly, propping himself up on one elbow, his chiselled body like a work of art and it’s bloody distracting.
‘Why are you asking?’ he replies.
That’s not an answer either.
‘I saw her holding your hand last night, when the two of you were talking,’ I say, trying to keep my tone all easy-breezy, even if it’s more nosey-wosey and jealousy-wealousy.
‘Ahh,’ he says simply. ‘While you were outside having your secret intense chat with Todd?’
I smile slightly. Perhaps this is on his mind too.
He lies back again, folding his hands behind his head, almost like he’s sunbathing.
‘She did take me by the hand,’ he says – although I know that, and he knows that I know. ‘She started talking about this holiday we were meant to go on next month. She said she was sad we weren’t going any more and asked if we could still go “as friends”…’
‘And what did you say?’ I ask – do I even have any right to ask that? I don’t suppose he has to tell me.
‘Well, I didn’t say I fancied it, let’s put it that way,’ he replies. ‘I don’t know if she misses what we had and genuinely wants me back, or if she’s just seeing me with you and getting jealous.’
‘Either way, it sounds like you could get her back, if you wanted to… do you want to?’
Again, I shouldn’t ask, but I really want to know.
‘No,’ he says – it’s one word, but he couldn’t be clearer. ‘We ended for a reason. It might have been her who pulled the trigger but she did that because she could tell I wasn’t serious about us, and I didn’t fight her on it. Looking back, I think I might have had one foot out of the door – so to speak – and she probably picked up on that.’
‘I see,’ is all I can think of to say.
Brody glances sideways at me, only with his eyes, only for a second.
‘Do you think Todd wants you back?’ he asks.
‘Maybe,’ I reply. ‘I’m not sure. Same kind of deal really. I think he sees me with someone like you and thinks he’s let something valuable go.’
‘Well, he does love to steal my girlfriends,’ Brody jokes.
‘Yeah, there is that,’ I reply.
‘Are you entertaining the idea?’ he asks.
Now he’s the one cutting to the chase.
‘No!’ I say quickly – perhaps a little too quickly.
‘Really?’ he replies.
‘Really, I mean, look at me, I’m flying through the stages of grief,’ I half-joke.
Brody nods thoughtfully.
‘Do you want him back though?’ he says, giving me one last chance to convince him.
‘I don’t want to get him back, I want to get him back,’ I reply. ‘I want revenge. That’s why we’re doing all of this, right? Why we’re faking it, sleeping in the bath – why I’m in a gym in the a.m. If they’re thinking they’ve made a mistake then, good, it’s working.’
‘I guess,’ he replies. ‘And you know I’m happy to help with that. But at some point we’re just going to have to accept it, right? And move on for real.’
‘Yeah, absolutely,’ I reply. ‘And I will let it go…’
Just not yet.
26
Okay, either the sea air is getting to me, sleeping in a bath causes me to sleepwalk, or… someone is messing with me.
I suppose it’s to be expected, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes – but I’m not doing anything to sabotage the wedding plans. If what I think has happened is correct then Nikki is messing with the wedding, and that’s not cool at all.
Kelsey and Neil decided pretty early on that they were going to have a joint stag and hen party and, do you know what? I’m here for it. Call me old-fashioned – or the opposite, I suppose – but I hate the idea of a couple starting married life after he gets a lap dance while chained naked to a lamp post, and she gets hit in the face with a stripper’s monster dong.
They knew we would be here with them so they thought it might be swanky for us all to spend an evening in the ship’s casino. We were all instructed to bring evening wear, with a James Bond kind of vibe, so I bought myself a floor-length gold dress for the occasion. I took it out of my bag, and it was a little creased, so I left it hung up in the living room.
Well, would you believe it, it’s gone. Vanished into thin air. Or found a life of its own and waltzed out. Or… Nikki stole it.
I’ll tell you why I’m suspicious of her (other than her just being a generally shady man-stealing chick), because I asked the boys if they had seen it and they said no. I asked Nikki and she said: maybe the cleaner stole it, then again, maybe she thought it was rubbish and threw it away. To say something so mean, come on, it had to be her.
I could’ve kicked off, accused her, thrown all of her clothes off the balcony – instead I have decided to show her that she can’t get to me (even if she actually can, quite easily). I’m looking at the glass and it’s half full. I get to go dress shopping for something even nicer – and, to add insult to injury for her, I’m going shopping with her ex-boyfriend. Then again, she is sleeping with mine, so maybe she still wins that one.
I’m just trying to focus on the positives: like I said, I get to buy a new dress, and Brody is here and he’s got big strong arms for carrying loads of things.
‘Thanks for coming with me,’ I tell my emotional support sportsman.
‘It’s something to do,’ he says with a shrug. ‘I like exploring the ship, seeing what it has to offer.’
‘And yet we still haven’t been to the spa…’
‘Now, now, darling, we’ll get to it,’ he teases.
‘I am going to the gym every morning…’
‘I know, I know…’
As we arrive at the ship shop, it stops us both in our tracks.
‘Wow,’ I blurt.
Calling it a shop seems sort of silly now – I was imagining a gift shop but what I’m standing in is pretty much a department store. There are so many spaces on this ship where you could easily forget you were at sea. I overheard someone saying these waters were pretty calm, compared to others, so I’m counting my blessings that I can’t feel the water beneath my feet.
I’m like a kid in a sweet shop – there are rails and rails of clothes, shoes, cosmetics, perfume, jewellery… I’d be in so, so much trouble if I was rich. I could do the kind of spending in here that would make my credit card company call me and check if I’m okay.
‘It’s so easy, being a man,’ Brody announces.
‘I mean, I already knew that,’ I reply. ‘But why specifically today?’
‘Well, it’s easy for us to find a James Bond-style outfit – it’s just a suit,’ he replies. ‘I can see a billion dresses right now.’
‘And you get to help me pick one, you lucky man!’
He yawns theatrically.
‘I’m tired just thinking about it,’ he jokes.
‘I’m doing this for Kelsey,’ I point out. ‘And because your crazy ex clearly stole my dress.’
‘We’re all someone’s crazy ex,’ he reminds me. ‘Let’s not be judgemental.’
I just roll my eyes. He’s only saying that because his crazy ex is crazier than mine.
I grab a few things to try on – well, I might as well find the perfect dress, seeing as though I’m having to buy one. Brody picks up a few bits too, saying there’s nothing else to do while he’s waiting for me.
The fitting rooms are unisex, so we pop in ones that are side by side, so we can keep chatting.
‘Of all the travelling I’ve done, I have to say, I kind of like having all of this stuff on my doorstep,’ he tells me through the thin wall.
‘Do you travel a lot for work?’ I ask curiously.
‘Yeah, quite a bit,’ he replies. ‘All around England, obviously, because we play the other counties, but we play abroad too.’
‘God, I bet you break hearts wherever you go,’ I reply. ‘I bet you have girls eating out of the palm of your hand.’
‘You’re not wrong,’ he replies – and it takes me aback, because I know it’s true, but he doesn’t usually say as much. ‘Wait a sec, I’ll show you.’
Ew. No thank you.
‘That’s okay…’
‘Trust me, you want to see this girl,’ he replies. ‘Look…’
I notice his hand appear at the top of the cubicle – he’s handing me his phone and, unsure what else to do, I take it.
‘Flick through those,’ he says.
I reluctantly do as I’m told and the second I see the first picture I just laugh.
‘What’s her name?’ I ask him.
‘Kaya,’ he replies. ‘She lived at this sanctuary we visited. Gave me love bites, followed me around all day. Totally obsessed with me – but it was love at first bite for me too.’
Safe in the knowledge Brody can’t see me, I smile widely at the photos of him and the adorable lion cub. Photos of them playing together, cuddling, him feeding her – okay, now I get why the ‘palm of your hand’ comment was so funny.
‘She’s beautiful,’ I tell him.
‘Yeah, but I wouldn’t fancy play-fighting her in a few years,’ he replies. ‘So it never would have worked out.’
I laugh, handing him his phone back over the wall.
I’m still smiling when I try on the final dress I brought through. It’s ruby-red silk, backless, with a thigh slit that makes me feel like I need some kind of tit tape for my downstairs. It clings in the right places, floats casually in the others, and it’s perfect for the casino.
I step out of the fitting room, mostly just to prove to myself that I can walk in it, and admire myself in one of the big mirrors.
Brody steps out too and I wouldn’t go as far as to say his jaw drops, but it looks like it bounces maybe, just a little…
‘Wow… Jessa…’ he says.
‘Is it okay?’ I check.
‘It’s more than okay,’ he replies. ‘You look unreal.’
I blush, making my cheeks match my dress.
‘I feel a bit self-conscious in it, if I’m being honest, it’s not me, it’s—’
‘Nah, don’t do that,’ he interrupts me. ‘Don’t look for reasons not to wear it. Don’t think it’s not you. It’s just a dress and you look hot in it.’
My jaw does drop.
I look in the mirror, trying to see what he sees, or what he says he sees anyway. Do I look good? I feel good, and it’s a really nice dress…
‘Screw it,’ I say firmly. ‘I’m going to get it.’
‘Yeah, you are,’ he replies. ‘Come on, let’s go…’
‘Wait a second,’ I say, eyeballing him suspiciously. ‘Are you just saying all of this, to hurry me up, so that I don’t try on more dresses?’
‘Maybe I am, maybe I’m not,’ he replies cryptically. ‘But maybe you should just buy it, and see what happens.’
Again, I have no idea what he means by that, but I can’t resist giving it a go. I’ll buy it, I’ll see what happens – who knows? I might even like it…
27
The ship has a karaoke bar – of course it does. It has everything. What doesn’t it have? I just made the mistake of asking a bartender this question and I didn’t like the answer.
‘Did you know there’s a prison and morgue on board?’ I ask the gang as I plonk myself back down with my bay breeze cocktail – my third, or is it my fourth?
‘What?’ Kelsey shrieks.
‘Yep,’ I reply. ‘I asked him, half joking, if the ship had everything on board, and he confirmed it. I suppose it makes sense but it’s not really something you want to think about on your holidays.’
‘You asked him,’ Nikki points out, scowling, which is crazy because it’s not that deep.
‘Well, it’s like my granny used to say: fuck around, find out,’ I joke – my favourite joke.
Brody laughs.
‘Okay, well, maybe you don’t talk to people without me,’ he suggests playfully.
‘Haven’t you heard of women’s rights?’ I reply.
‘It’s women’s wrongs I’m worried about,’ he teases.
‘You don’t usually complain,’ I reply.
Almost everyone finds our flirtatious bickering adorable. The only ones who don’t? Todd and Nikki, obviously.
I know why the ship needs a morgue, of course I do, but a karaoke area seems less important. Maybe. It is a lot of fun, I suppose.
There are a few rooms, with private booths, so I’m in one with the usual suspects: Brody, Kelsey and Neil, Al and Kira, and Todd and Nikki.
It’s a cool space, with disco lights, and a big screen that shows the lyrics. Everything is so colourful and sparkly and it really is hard not to have a good time when everyone is singing.
Todd and Nikki are tucked into a corner, not quite having as much fun as the rest of us, but I guess that’s because Brody and my presence is just ruining the trip for them. Boo-bloody-hoo. They didn’t want this? Neither did we. They would do well to remember that they chose this, in a roundabout way. It really is like my granny didn’t actually say: fuck around, find out. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Dump your ex, don’t be upset when they move on.
‘Put me down for basically every Elvis song they have,’ Al announces.
‘If you think you can do Elvis, sure, I’ll put you down for that,’ Kira says, sounding unconvinced, and she’s the one who hears him sing in the shower.
‘Thank you very much,’ he says – in the way you’d expect.
‘I’m thinking I might do a Lady Gaga track,’ Kelsey replies. ‘Not that I can sing.’
‘I was going to say, is that a promise or a threat,’ Neil teases her.
‘Oi!’ she replies. ‘Perhaps we could pick some songs for each other too. That could be fun?’
My mind goes into overdrive, wondering what songs I would choose for everyone. Al, I don’t know why, but ‘YMCA’ by the Village People just feels right. For Brody, I do know why, ‘I’m Too Sexy’ by Right Said Fred. Perhaps I shouldn’t be allowed to pick for anyone, I’m not exactly reaching for modern masterpieces.
