Behind Me, page 5
“Let’s go already. Jesus, I’ve been waiting on you.” I grab my keys and head out, hearing her grumbling behind me.
As we make our way into the church, a prickling sensation creeps up my spine. I grew up here. Every Sunday found me in the same pew. But years and experiences have changed the way this building makes me feel.
The button on my shirt collar feels like a noose, and I want to put this damn tie in the trash can where it belongs. I take a few long, steady breaths that will hopefully slow the sweat trying to seep out from my pores.
Much to my family’s dismay, I haven’t been to church since I graduated. But every time I walk through the double doors of the massive sanctuary, I fully expect to get struck by lightning. Let’s face it, I assist with killing people for a living. Which, if my memory serves, falls under the Do not judge, do not kill, portion of the rule book. I stand guard every day, watching men on death row count down the remainder of their time here on earth.
So when Jamie and I find and take our seats, along with the others here to support little Lily, conflict weighs heavy on me. Guilt I normally don’t feel tries to creep into my psyche. I’d simply rather not go through it, which is why I stopped coming here.
I prepare myself for the ups and downs of a constantly moving Catholic mass, when the organist announces the opening song. “The entrance hymn is in the Worship II book number 243, Worship II, 243.”
I’d recognize that voice anywhere. My heart pounds with the possibility, and I’m unable to fight the sweat now.
We stand as my stomach drops to my feet, and I grab Jamie’s arm. “Who the hell is that?”
Jamie yanks her arm from my death grip, then glances around quickly to see if anyone heard me. The music has started, so people around us are singing. I don’t give a fuck if they heard me or not.
“Jamisyn.” I get close to her ear, squeezing her arm again. “Who is the organist?”
“Don’t you Jamisyn me… and calm down, you’re making a scene.” She pinches my forearm with her little ninja grip. The sting shoots down to my fingertips. “It’s Joss.”
The name bounces around my head, trying to take root. Blue J… J… Joss…
“Joss? Your friend who teaches music at your school?” She’s mentioned her before, and the reality of what might be happening is coming at me too fast.
“Yes, you idiot.” Her hushed, condescending tone tells me I’ve lost it. “She runs all the music programs here. What’s your problem?”
Jackie turns around and gives us the We can hear you look, and my mind is running on a hamster wheel. Could my little Bird be right across the room? Sitting behind the massive organ? Excitement and panic are fighting for the lead.
“Did she sing with Rod’s band last weekend?” I still can’t see her. She’s tucked behind the beast of an instrument, music sheets blocking my view.
“Yes, Cain. Now shut up!” She’s mastered the whisper-hiss.
I imagine for a second how good it would feel to shake my sister like a fucking rag doll right now.
The song ends, and we sit down as Father Ray begins the opening prayer. My heart is pounding like a freight train. I know it’s her just from hearing that beautiful voice. The voice that gets dry and scratchy when she comes. When I made her come. My knee is bobbing nonstop and I can’t focus. Sweat is probably soaking my damn dress shirt.
What am I going to say to her? Should I go right up and talk to her? Leave her alone? I was planning on talking to Rod after church, to see if he would maybe give me her name and number or some information on how I could find her. This change of plans has thrown me for a loop. I wasn’t expecting for her to turn up right under my nose.
“I have to see her. I can’t see her.”
“Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? You’re acting like a child.”
“I…” I can’t believe I’m saying this to my sister, and in church of all places. “I was with her last weekend.”
The phrase “with her” is a gross understatement of what happened that night. I know I’m whispering, but Uncle Merv clears his throat.
“The night Rod’s band played near you?” Jamie’s voice changes tone a little.
“Yes,” I snap. Thank God the music has started again.
My sister’s head turns slowly to me, and her big bright eyes lock on mine in understanding. “That… was you?”
She knows something. Her eyes went from annoyed sister to sweet, caring sister. The sister who always has my back. My chest constricts, and I slowly nod.
“Oh, Cain.” She squeezes my knee, taking a very long pause. Then shocks me with, “She told me about you.”
I suck in a breath as the reality of how our night ended smacks me in the face. “Did she also tell you that she snuck out on me and never even bothered to say goodbye?”
6
Joss
I can’t believe I’m hiding in the storage closet. One more piece of evidence solidifying the theory that I’m a coward. Never willing to face things head-on.
Which I demonstrated the morning I snuck out of the hotel when my beautiful stranger left the room.
Technically it’s normal for me to be in here. Yes. Normal. This is where we keep all the music, microphones, and other miscellaneous stuff, but I’ve been back here for ten minutes and can’t muster up the courage to leave.
It was everything I could do to stay rooted on the organ bench and not run out the fire exit the second I saw him approach the fountain for Lily’s baptism. Well that… or find a hole to crawl in, which is exactly what I’m doing now. When Fr. Ray referred to the godparents by name, calling my beautiful stranger Cain, the entire situation felt like a bat to my skull. I never in a million years would have dreamt that my stranger was Jamie’s twin brother.
Oh my God… I told Jamie and Lu about my night with him. And how I took the coward’s way out and ran.
Maybe he didn’t see me. I’ll just wait in here until I know the coast is clear.
I don’t know why I’m even worried that he would want anything to do with me after the stunt I pulled. But if he did, once he gets a glimpse of the real me and the mess I am, memories of our perfect night will tarnish. Replaced by the knowledge of the poser I am. I’m nothing more than a church mouse living in a convent because I’m too afraid to leave.
Needing a distraction from my thoughts, I grab a stack of music to put away.
“Knock, knock.”
Papers fly from my hands like a fountain as I scream, completely caught off guard. I turn by instinct toward the sound, taking in the beautiful stranger… no, not stranger. Cain. Jamie’s twin brother, Cain.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Dark brown eyes look as uncertain as I feel when he takes in the sight of me.
Insecurity rearing its ugly head, my brain insists he’s appalled by the plain Jane version of myself. I want to hide. I want the floor to open up and swallow me whole.
He looks gorgeous, leaning against the door frame. His broad chest is covered by a perfectly fitted dress shirt, his light blue tie a striking contrast to his dark hair and even darker eyes. Fighting the urge to touch him is difficult. A week did nothing to fade my memories, and I cross my arms, hoping to hide myself, standing here in black dress pants and a loose cream blouse. My socks are on display, because I can’t play the organ with shoes on and haven’t bothered to retrieve them yet. Not that my sensible loafers would have helped the situation much.
He just stands there, staring.
“That’s all right, you caught me off guard. I was just putting the music away.” Dropping to my knees, I grab the papers scattered like confetti all over the floor.
Suddenly he’s right there, helping me pick them up. His clean cotton scent, mixed with the ocean, hits me like a fist, making me dizzy and I almost whimper. Getting everything put away and trying to act as normal as possible, I locate my boring shoes and slide them on, completing my work wear. My hands fidget until I hear that voice, the one that brings a smile each time his memory surfaces.
Which is a lot.
“You walked out on me.” His words are firm but not angry.
“I…” I don’t even know where to begin. “I didn’t know you were Jamie’s brother.”
“Would you have stayed if you knew who I was? Or never even bothered?”
“Excuse me?”
“Ditching me like that. If you knew who I was, would you have done the same? Or would you have run from the moment we met?”
His question sends pain shooting down my arm. He’s making our night seem easily discarded and putting me on the defense. “You don’t even know me.”
“I know enough.” He lifts his chin. “I know we had a great night and you ran out without so much as a goodbye.” His voice softens a little.
The reality that I hurt him, or at the very least his pride, has me feeling like a total jerk. “I’m sorry, it’s just…” I try to come up with the right way to say this. “I’m not in a place in my life to…”
“I get it. You don’t have to say it.” He rubs the back of his neck then loosens his tie. “I’m Cain, by the way.”
When I see his hand stretched toward me, I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around his waist and get lost in his strong hold. His large, warm hand circles my nervous, clammy one. “Joss. Well, technically it’s Josephine Banks, but everyone calls me Joss.”
“Joss.” Hearing my name roll off his tongue sends a shiver down my spine. “It’ll be hard to think of you as anything but Bird.” His mouth lifts up on one side in a small attempt at a smile.
On instinct, I try to pull away, but his firm grip on my hand isn’t letting go. Calling me Bird. I’m not that girl. Can’t he see that? “I’m not…”
“Don’t worry. Like I said, I get it. I can take a hint.” He finally releases my hand and tucks his into his dress pants. I immediately miss the contact of his skin. “I just wanted to say goodbye.”
He nods quickly then walks out of the storage closet and never looks back.
Just like I did to him.
At Lily’s party a half an hour later, I sneak around to the back deck and take up residence on the porch swing. I barely have time to get the swing moving before Jamie plops down beside me in a huff. I’m not even a little surprised she found me so fast. I can’t imagine what’s going through my friend’s head right now. She was so supportive last weekend when I was telling her and Lu about the mystery man I met and later ditched. But now that we all know who my mystery man is… well, I hope she still understands.
“Lord, Joss, I have so many things to say and don’t even know where in the hell to start.”
I bury my head in my hands and fight the urge to cry. “Why does everything I touch turn to crap?”
“Oh no, oh hell no are you going down this path. This conversation in no way shape or form involves you feeling sorry for yourself.”
“How can you say that? After what I did? And to your brother! How can you say that?”
“Hmmm, where do I even begin? Let’s see… number one, I would like to take back everything I said about your beautiful stranger being an Adonis and how I wish I had a night like that. Quite frankly, I barfed in my mouth a little bit the moment I realized the stranger was my mammoth oaf of a brother.”
I love this ridiculous girl with my entire being. Always there to make me laugh when I need it. “You love your brother like crazy.” Why does saying that make my chest hurt?
“This is correct, my dear friend, I do. I also loved that up until last week, I had absolutely no idea my brother had a working penis. I mean, I always assumed, but in reality, I thought of him as an asexual who never got naked and I lived a perfectly happy life in that world. So you can imagine my horror when I realized that I now know vivid details about his sexual abilities.” She mock shivers, and I can’t help laughing so hard that a tear I was trying to hold in at my embarrassment leaks out. “I’m actually mad at myself for not thinking it through more when you talked about his voice.” She looks to the sky for answers. “Of course, I always call him Cainvader. You made him sound like some deep, sexy gravel thing out of a high-rent porn.”
“Jamie!” I cover my eyes in mortification.
“You didn’t realize he was Rod’s cousin? I mean, I know you’ve never met him, but…”
“No. They left when I was cleaning up the stage. I just assumed he was there to see the show.” Reality has my happy tears fading away as melancholy takes root once more. “I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation. I highly doubt he would ever want a girl like me anyway.”
“What, a successful, hardworking, sweet, gorgeous thing? Nah, you’re right. He’s more into the lazy dog variety. I see your point.”
“What do you want me to do? You know my situation.”
“Yep, and your situation doesn’t keep you from talking to my brother. I want you to do what you would if your living arrangement was different. I want you to do what you would if you let yourself live the life you want instead of the life you allow for yourself.”
“You really think he wants that? To get to know me after what I did? To put up with more obstacles because of the choices I’ve made?” The thought of getting to spend more time with Cain has my heart fluttering. As much as I told myself I had to leave that morning and never look back, I’ve had hardly a second when his memory hasn’t invaded my thoughts.
She turns her body on the swing to face me and grabs my hands. “I’ve never seen my brother react to anyone the way he did today when he realized you were in the room.” She gives my hands a squeeze. “I’ve also never seen you look the way you did last weekend when you told Lu and I about your beautiful stranger.” Her bright eyes are caring and comforting, giving me a little burst of courage to jump out of my comfort zone. “Life’s too short, sweetie.”
“Is he still here?” I need to see him before the pep talk wears off.
“He is.” She wraps me in a big Jamie-style hug. “He’s in the kitchen.”
Lord help me. “Okay, let me go see if he’ll talk to me.”
“Hold that thought.” She jumps up from the swing and yanks the back door open. “Cainker sore!”
A few seconds later, his broad chest fills the doorway. “You gonna pull this shit while I’m in a bad moo..” The words die when he sees me sitting on the swing.
Jamie gets on her tiptoes and gives her brother a kiss on the cheek. “You’ve got company.” She looks back at me and winks, then disappears into the house.
Cain stands there for a second as though he’s not sure what to do.
“Do you want to sit down?” I tilt my head toward the seat next to me.
He scratches the side of his stubbled face and silently makes his way to the swing. His added weight makes it move back, and the motion has my stomach flipping.
Just get it over with. Let him run for the hills and remind you that you did the right thing.
“I wanted to start by telling you that I’m sorry for what I did last weekend.” My pulse is pounding. Facing things head-on is not a strong suit of mine.
“You don’t have to apologize. I mean, that’s what we agreed to.” He shrugs as if it’s no big deal, keeping his gaze straight ahead.
“But you had just asked to see me again, and I ran. It was a jerk move.”
“Effective though.” He tries to make light of the situation.
“I didn’t run because I wanted to. I ran because I can’t imagine someone like you wanting anything to do with someone like me.” The truth feels like cotton on my tongue.
He finally turns to look at me, his sincerity clear in his eyes. “And what’s so bad about someone like you?”
I shrug. “Failure to launch?”
His deep brown eyes study me. “You willing to give me a chance to figure that out on my own?”
Heat fills my cheeks at the possibility of spending more time with him. “I think I… I would really like that.”
The smile that spreads across his face sends the burning creeping all the way down my chest now too.
“Well, let’s get started.” He places his hand on the back of the swing. Close enough that I know it’s behind me, but not actually touching me. “How long have you worked at the church?”
His long legs keep the swing in motion, and by some miracle, no one has stopped to talk to us.
“Oh…” His question makes me pause, then I decide on the truth. “Well, technically it’s been about ten years.”
His shock is evident. “I haven’t been to church much in the last fourteen. Guess that’s why we’ve never crossed paths before.” His eyes are intense, curious. “What brought you to F.X.?”
He’s definitely homegrown. Only locals call St. Francis Xavier F.X.
How do I even begin to answer that question?
Shaking myself out of my memories, I reply. “I guess you could say an opportunity I couldn’t refuse came up.”
I smile, hoping he takes it, because I really don’t want to go into the past right now. Jamie comes through the door, and I’m grateful for the interruption.
“I need to head out and my car is back at your place. Want me to find a ride?” She scrunches her face in apology. “I don’t want you to have to leave.”
Needing a minute, I grab the opportunity. “I’ll be right back, guys. I need to use the restroom.”
Jamie gives me a wink as I slide past her, reigniting the fire in my poor cheeks. I’m still unable to comprehend that my beautiful stranger is her twin brother.
Slipping down the hall to the bathroom, I close and lock the door, granting myself a moment to think. I wash my hands in the coldest water possible. The bite to my skin is a welcome distraction, then I place my palms on my face. I take a good hard look at my reflection.
My eyes are shining, probably because I can’t get the images of my night with Cain out of my head. My cheeks are flushed, which makes me think I should probably wear makeup more often. I like the way they look with a little color. Running my hands down the front of my dress pants, I chastise myself for not trying harder. I liked the way I felt when I sang at the bar, liked the way I looked. I think it’s time I make more of an effort to shine instead of hide.
