Behind Me, page 12
“Almost eight months.” New tears fill my eyes. Every day that passed pushed me deeper and deeper into the depths of hate. “They never checked on me. Never wanted to know how I was doing.”
“Christ.” He shakes his head roughly, as if he can remove the idea from his mind. “So you hid the fact that you lost the baby?”
“Now you understand.” Sharing this story with Cain renews my shame. “If anyone ever finds out what Sister helped me do… helped me hide.”
The words hang thick in the air. Goose bumps cover my skin at the thought of her being punished for hiding my secret.
“All because I was too selfish to go home. I wanted to hurt my parents like they hurt me.” Cain holds me tight, and I let the rest out. “If they would have given me just two more weeks before shipping me off, nothing in my life would have changed. I lost my baby. But instead, I didn’t just lose a baby. I lost everything I’d ever known, and then I convinced the sweetest woman who walks this earth to lie for me.”
Bile rises up the back of my throat, as it does every time I think of what I did and the lies I asked her to keep.
“I’m as evil as they are.”
15
Cain
“You’re anything but evil, and I can’t blame you for what did. I would have probably done the same thing.”
Her eyes search mine and she seems to relax a bit when she sees that I’m completely sincere. She wraps her arms around my neck and sighs into my ear.
This shit my Bird had to go through is seriously fucked up. It’s going to take a while to process everything she told me. The need to go to my mother right now and wrap her up in a huge ass hug is almost as strong as my need to take care of my girl. I have so many more questions, but I don’t even know where to start, and I can tell that both of us have taken about all we can in the emotion department for the day.
“What time do you work tomorrow?” It’s gotten late, and I know she had today off, which means she’s probably working in the morning.
She leans back and scrubs her face with both hands, showing me she hasn’t even thought about it. “The children’s choir will be singing at nine o’clock mass. So I’ll need to be at the church by eight to get everything set up.” Her puffy eyes look up at the sky, then all around, taking in her surroundings for the first time. “Where are we exactly?”
This makes me laugh. I’m not surprised that she’s just now realized we’re in a very remote and, to her, random place.
“This is my parents’ property. The house is about a quarter mile that way.” I point toward the east, though all we can see from here are trees. “This wooded area is at the back, behind all the fields. I spent so much time here as a kid, exploring and shit, that it’s like my second home. Always been the place I went to get away. I built this bench we’re on when I was thirteen. Took me the entire summer to do it.” I knock twice on the seat beside Bird’s leg, and she looks down at where my knuckles just pounded.
“You made this?” She inspects the old trunk. “It’s beautiful. It looks like it came right up from the earth.”
“That’s because it did.”
Yep, she’s confused.
“It’s a fallen tree trunk. I had to do all the work on sight. Dad drove his generator all the way out here just so I could use some of the power tools to make it.” Pride still fills my chest at how well it turned out. “First project I ever did, and I’ve been sort of obsessed with power tools ever since.” I shrug as though it’s no big deal, but I know this bench is the shit. I realized quickly that I have a natural talent for building things. “That’s why my house has taken a while to finish. I paid the contractor to do all the outside stuff, along with the electrical and shit, but I’ve been doing all the inside work myself on my days off.”
“I had no idea you were so talented.”
Did she really just open that door for me? I think she did.
Standing, I wrap her legs around my waist and give her a long, deep kiss, working my tongue in slow sweeps against hers. She tastes like tears, and I want to make out with her for hours.
At least until she tastes like lust.
Wishing I could strip her naked right here, but not wanting to move in on her when she’s still emotionally raw, I force myself to pull back.
“I tell ya what, let’s get back to your place and unpack some of your shit. I got a little surprise for you. Then I’m going to spend the rest of the night showing you just how talented I am.” I bite the side of her neck while I pretend to eat her up, and the laughter that explodes from her pulls my heart straight from the pit of my stomach and back to the center of my chest where it belongs. Pounding like a motherfucker for this girl in my arms.
Early morning light is shining through her bedroom windows. “I can’t believe you got this bedding for me.”
After I loved on her for most of the night, she returned the favor. Waking me up with her in my favorite position. On top of me. Her skin is glowing from the light sheen of sweat we just worked up as her fingers sweep over the bird on the comforter.
“You can get something better when you have a chance. I just wanted to make sure I could love you all over this entire bed instead of being confined to the area my truck blanket covers.” I wink, playing off the way buying this bedding makes me feel a bit like a pussy.
Her eyes bug out as if I’m crazy. “I think it’s the sweetest thing in the world.” She looks a little googly, like women do when they see babies. Hugging the comforter to her chest, she takes a deep inhale. “It smells so good. What did you wash it with?” She takes another deep pull of air, probably getting high from the smell. Gray eyes close as a huge smile appears.
“I’ll have to ask Mom.”
The smile immediately vanishes, and the comforter hits the bed. “What did you just say?”
Something tells me that wasn’t the right answer. “I’ll have to ask Mom. She washed it up yesterday while I was helping Dad.”
She goes face first into her pillow and groans, long and low. “Oh, my God.” Her voice is muffled from her pillow. “I’m glad you bought this, because now I’m going to live out the rest of my days under this comforter, never showing my head again.”
“What’s the big deal?”
“Your mom knows we’re sleeping together!” This leaks out from the pillow as well, though at a much higher decibel.
“How do you figure?” Yes, my mom did in fact figure that out, immediately, but I’m not about to tell her that.
Her head flies up at an alarming rate, locking me in her panicked expression. Shiny chestnut hair looks like a crazy nest I’m guessing the bird on the comforter would be happy to live in.
I can’t help but laugh.
“Why else would you know I need bedding?”
These women are freaking me the fuck out. “Jesus, Bird, are all women fucking mind readers? Is this like some six degrees of separation bullshit? How did your brain go there that fast?”
“She does know!” Hands flying everywhere, she dives back down into the pillow.
All right, I’ve had enough of this estrogen-fueled ninja mind tactic. Crawling on top of her, I put my lips to her ear. “Little Bird.”
“What?”
Her whine is cute, but I need to clear some shit up. “I hate to tell you this, but yes, I’m guessing my mom knows.” I’ll never flat-out admit this to her—I’m not an idiot. “She also knows that I’ve never brought any women around before, let alone asked her to do something like this. She may have even figured out within five minutes that I’m fucking in love with you.”
Her body gives a little shiver when I kiss her ear.
“So in case you were wondering, I don’t give two shits if my mom knows I’m sleeping with you, because she also knows that this is absolutely not casual, and if I have it my way, you’ll never sleep with another man again.” My chest tightens as I make my long-term intentions crystal clear.
Rolling to her back, she levels me with eyes now shiny with unshed tears. She gives me a little nod then whispers, “Okay, I think I can live with that.”
Happiness fills me as we continue taking steps forward. Never wanting this moment to end, but knowing I have to, I look at the clock. Shit, it’s time to get a move on.
“It’s getting late. I suppose I better let you hit the shower.” I really should keep my mouth shut, but the next part falls right out, along with my shit-eating grin. “It may take a while to tame that hair.”
I was raised with women, I fucking know better, and if I wasn’t afraid of her locking her legs together, I would take a picture of her right now. I’m damn proud of that Medusa-style mess I made of her hair.
My sweetheart of a woman picks up her pillow with both hands and swings the damn thing with all her might, clocking me in the side of the head. Then she covers her mouth to hide her huge-ass smile. Shock at what she did is evident on her face. Laughter tries to escape her lips, despite the fact that I can tell she’s trying to hold it back.
The erection I’m sporting, thanks to her pillow swinging, is going to be a problem if she doesn’t get the hell in that bathroom pronto. For some reason, that shit turned me on.
When I look down between my legs, her eyes follow my line of sight. “You better get in that shower, Bird. Now.”
16
Cain
One month later
So this is what you do? You get up in the morning, go to work, and kill people? Does that even bother you?
I shake my head, trying to get rid of the voices. My mind is fucking with me today, playing with my usually clear conscience.
That’s because you know I wouldn’t approve. How can you think this is okay?
“Fuck.” I shake my head one more time, trying to get rid of Bird’s voice. I don’t know where this subconscious shit is coming from. We’ve never even had this conversation.
But this is the first time you’ve killed a man since you met me.
“He’s ready to check, boss.” Abe pulls my attention back to where it needs to be.
I walk over to where they’ve prepped the inmate and look him over before I run down the checklist. Jesus… he’s just a kid.
But the things he has done are unimaginable. The voices in my head banter back and forth. Shit, I need to shut my brain down and get my job done.
Elliot and Abe stand on each side of the prisoner, while Jude and Collin flank me as I do the initial check, then they re-check behind me.
“Handcuffs.”
“Check.”
“Belly chain.” I pull the connection to test the strength.
“Check.” Collin, then Jude, both repeat it.
“Handcuff cover.”
“Check.”
“Leg irons.”
“Check.”
“He’s ready. Let’s move.”
I nod to Randy, who heads the death row crew on the other shift. They stay behind and guard the row while we go on the prisoner transport run. If I don’t get my head straight, and pulled out of my ass, the two-hundred-mile drive to the southern Ohio facility, where execution will take place tomorrow, will be a damn long haul.
I don’t understand why today is different from any other day I’ve had to do this. We average four to five executions a year. Every couple of months, this is just another part of the job. One I’m usually proud to do. To take one more monster off the grid. But as we strap this man to the table, immobilize his body to give him a just death—unlike the one he gave to two others—all I can think about is Bird. What would she think if she could see me right now? Strapping down a twenty-three-year-old and ending his life?
“Left leg.” Collin starts the check.
“Right leg.” Elliot.
“Right arm.” Jude.
“Head.” That’s me.
“Left arm.” Abe. “Chest strap, hip strap.”
We stand there, guarding each point where he’s tied down, and right when my mind wanders back to Bird, I look down to see the young prisoner strapped to the table—with a grin on his face.
“Totally fuckin’ worth what I did to that bitch and her little girl.”
I grit my teeth and clench my fists as hard as I can in an attempt to remain still and not pound his face into a pulp.
The drug administrator walks in, and I take a second to calm myself while the local guard pulls the curtain. The mirrored window allows me to see the entire room at a different angle.
As we stand over the man waiting for death, his mouth spews crime after crime. It’s a laundry list he’s seemingly proud to get out while he still has time.
I shut off the speaker on the wall so that no one on the other side can hear what this worthless piece of shit is saying, and in that moment, I fear I may never be the man Bird needs me to be. Because right now? I’m glad this man will die.
Right under my nose.
The clock on the dash of my truck reads 11:38. It’s way too late to just drop in, but I have to see her tonight. I can’t put my head down until I do.
I decide to text instead of beating on the front door and scaring the shit out of her.
Me: Open the front door Bird I need to see you
I head for the door when her bedroom light illuminates. She swings the door open frantically, standing there in nothing but one of my T-shirts she stole a while back.
I break eye contact, unable to look at her.
“What’s wrong?” She grabs my hand, and I twitch. “Cain?”
She tugs me forward and I go inside, not wanting to talk about this on her porch. She closes the door then wraps her arms around my waist. But I’m still struggling to reciprocate.
“Cain, please, you’re scaring me.”
“I killed a young man today.”
She gasps. But instead of letting go of me, she squeezes tighter.
“And I was happy when he stopped breathing.” My voice takes on a robotic sound.
She buries her head in my chest and shakes it, holding on to me as if her life depends on it.
“Did you hear me, Bird?” I grab her arms and push her back a little so that she can look at me. “I was happy when he stopped breathing. He was twenty-three years old, and I was happy to know I had a hand in ending his life.” I step away from her and pace the small front room. I nearly rip my hair off my head from the root.
When I turn back to look at her, tears are streaming down her face. Everything I was worried about has come to pass.
“How are you ever going to be able to be with a man like me?” I shake my head, aware that this could be the demise of our relationship. “You are the sweetest fucking thing that has ever walked this earth, and I fucking kill people for a living.” I hold my hands out to the side so that she can get the full view of what I am. “You work for a church, lived in a convent for a damn decade. How could you ever see yourself with a man like me?” I scrub my hands down my face and prepare for her answer. “Is there even a point in this? In us? You’re so far one way, and I’m so goddamn far the other. How are we going to be able to meet in the middle? How could you ever be proud to call me yours?”
Her tears keep coming silently. The lump in my throat is growing by the second as the pulse in my neck throbs.
“I love you, Bird. You already know that. But you were in my head today when we were executing that man. And by the time it was all said and done, I was still at peace with the job I did.” I stare her straight in the eyes so I can see her initial reaction to the next question. “Is that something you can see yourself living with? Loving? Because this is me. This is who I am.”
The frantic tone in my voice is unfamiliar to my ears. I’m shocked by how calm she’s remained.
She slowly closes the gap between us and rubs her thumbs across my cheeks. My eyelids fall shut at her soft touch. She smooths her hands down the sides of my neck and stops when she reaches the center of my chest, where my heart is still pounding.
“I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”
I open my eyes. Not at all what I was expecting to hear. “Hurting?” The added hoarseness of my voice makes my word hard to understand.
“What you did today. It obviously bothered you. Has you hurting.”
“That’s the problem, Bird. It didn’t bother me. And losing you because of that is what has me hurting.”
Her beautiful grey eyes, still wet with tears, study mine for a second before she finally speaks. “You’ll never lose me because of that.”
Hope blooms a little in my chest, but I can’t trust it. “But what about the church? What about your job there? If we make it for the long haul, what will they say?” I feel like a pussy for what I’m about to ask. “Will you be proud of the man you chose to be with?”
The smile that appears on her face is the saddest smile I’ve ever seen. It shouldn’t even be called a smile. “I couldn’t be more proud of you.” She kisses my chest, right over my heart, then rests her chin there, looking up at me. “You accept me for all that I am. And I in turn accept you for all that you are.”
“But what if the church doesn’t accept it?” I need to know.
She tilts her head to the side in thought. “I don’t know if that will ever be a choice that I’ll have to make.” She places her cheek against my chest. “But if I’m ever forced to choose, I will always choose you.”
“You would?” My shock is obvious.
“The church doesn’t really work like that. The way you’re thinking. But if they ever asked me to leave you simply because you protect us from evil? Well… that’s a no-brainer.”
My relief in this moment is overwhelming. “I love you, Bird.”
“I love you too, Cain.”
That’s the first time she’s ever told me she loves me. And I know without a doubt that she means it.
17
Joss
Two months later
