Paddy Nemesis, page 17
I'd left town before the powers that be descended on town, but the Sinn Fein rep was Patrick, shaking hands and breaking arms, monitoring at first-hand the clean-up process. They say murderers always turn up at the scene of their crime.
I told Daly I couldn't stay in Boyle anymore, I'd be putting in for a transfer today.
He put his pen down and clasped his hands together.
-Where do you want to transfer to?
-Dublin, as far away from here as possible
-I joined the Gards when I was 18, I'm now 29 years, 352 days into service.
-You're retiring soon?
-Sort of.
-Sort of?
-You can leave today if you wish?
-And go where? What about Sarah?
-Your girlfriend? She can't come with you.
-OK.
-OK?
And that was it, my golden ticket out of this monstrous fucking mess. No questions asked. I didn't have a parachute, I just jumped. To fuck with the consequences. I'd been reconditioned so many times that I didn't know what was mine anymore.
Chapter 20
We lay on the bed fully clothed, over the duvet - her hands nursing by battered left hand, and wiping away tears that had long since evaporated. I lost count of the amount of times I'd apologised. She didn't ask where I'd been or what I'd done and no matter how much I wanted to be honest, I couldn't tell her if she did.
I couldn't even tell myself.
I said that I realised I'd made a massive mistake by leaving, when I should have been here at home, protecting others instead of myself. None of us would be in this mess now if I had. I lay there, regretting my unthinkable selfishness which had forced Sarah into the arms of a drug-dealing wife beater, and allowed my son to think he was somebody else’s. If I had stayed around long enough, I would have sussed Patrick was behind it all, and flushed out his silent partner. But I wouldn't have been who I am now. I would have been a cocky young Gard, with no notion of killing without remorse.
I'd fallen asleep, deep enough to drown in. It must have been about 7pm, the dipping sun turning the sky a rusty red.
I was alone on the bed, and for a second I didn't realise where I was and then heard Sarah shout out to Michael to let him know dinner was ready. I felt even more drowsy and tired than I would have been from a night out on the rip. Then I remembered I was out on a serious session with Joe last night, and ended up with that girl. Fuck me, a long time ago.
I knew that time wasn't on my side. I sprung up and went out into the hallway.
- Just going for a quick shower, have I time?
-Five minutes. I put the emersion on so you should have hot water. There's only my shower gel though.
-Ah, I don't care about that.
The water sat on the fence - going scalding hot, and then sticking two fingers up and going ice cold. I danced in and out of the water like a retarded Riverdancer - but boy, did it wake me up.
I towelled myself dry, starving with the hunger, and dressed myself. My T-shirt had seen better days, ripped and covered in blood and dirt. Sarah had a travelling case by the bed, I opened it up, pulled out a g-string, and thought about that girl on the DART, wondering if she was ok, and realised that all I was trying to do was save her, trying to save them all.
-You ok there?
Instant flush of heat from my face.
-Er I was just looking.
-At my knickers?
-For a top.
- Doesn’t look like a top.
-No, no its not.
-I’ve one of your old T-shirts in there somewhere.
-Have you?
-Can you put my knickers down please.
-Sorry.
- It’s that Green Day T-shirt.
-Fuck me, you've still got it?
I put the pants down scrummaging through for the T-shirt, the design on the front was a hand grenade shaped like a heart, bingo and I threw it on.
-How do I look?
-Like you always looked, dinners ready.
My first family meal: Pork chops, boiled potatoes and carrots. Gone in 60 seconds. Mummy told Michael that Jack always ate like that. Not daddy yet. I said I'd seen Glen earlier, he was looking well. Michael told me uncle Glen was funny. I said he certainly was. Sarah told me how cut up Glen was when he found out about my dad and wished I hadn't left. She said he soon changed after that, becoming very angry but also insular. Angry at not being able to find out who did it. I said he seemed remorseful to me when I saw him earlier, like he had let everyone down. She said she didn't know why as he got a big enough pay out from all the stress it caused. That fella from Sinn Fein campaigned for it.
Cutlery down
Which fella?
I felt like bringing up the chops, I stared at the my empty plate, hands clasped firmly under my chin.
-Patrick Wynn, remember him from college?
-Yeah, I remember him
-He was really good for Glen. That's why he's up in that new estate out on the
Carrick Road.
-I don't know it. Did this pay out make the papers, I didn't see anything?
-Um, I don't know. Glen said it didn't feel right to make it public. You weren't around and the people who did it were never found.
-My fault again.
-No, not at all. He's gotten friendly with your mother too, which was a bit of a scandal round town but that soon died down.
-I’m not surprised.
-Sorry?
-Nothing. Didn't anyone from the Gards mention it in passing about the pay out?
-No, not that I can remember. Maybe they were told to keep quiet about it?
It all came crashing in on top of me like a tsunami. I had to get out of here. Not for the first time in my life, I felt like running again.
-Jack?
-Yeah?
-You’re bleeding a little.
-Where?
-There
And Sarah pointed under my chin where I'd dug the nails of my thumbs in causing both Michael and Sarah to look up at me, concerned.
- Forget about that it's fine.
The most elaborate lock on the most secure safe in a bank in Switzerland was unlocking in my head, each pin dropping into place as the key was being turned.
In a chronological manner it all made sense as I tried to put a "no it can't be" spin on it. I was trying to see where it all started.
When I told him to keep his gob shut when he suggested cracking on with my mum. The day after my dad left and I took a punt with Sarah and it monumentally pissed Glen off. The power shift in my favour where I no longer bathed in his shadow.
His need to follow me, the thought of it, down to Templemore like as if he couldn't do anything without me.The resentment that the tables had turned and that I was fucking his sister. I had pushed him away but in bringing his sister in closer than he ever could be, how jealous did it make him? The bitterness eating through to the core of him.
Thinking about it, he was greedy for wealth. From selling single cigarettes in the playground to small bribes received for not issuing tickets.
I'm guessing he arrested Ronan for something or Ronan had seen how easy it was for Glen to turn and made him an offer. I myself turned a blind eye. It was a shit wage, so he did what he did to get by. Before my dad died, I had morals, corruption wasn't even a concept to me.
The whole town under your control, political backing and a protection racket in the form of the IRA.
So Patrick finds out about this dirty Gard and let's him in on his little plan and no doubt suggests immediate wealth. There's just one little thing he needs Glen to do, get rid of Gard Clancy Senior cause he's been sniffing around the operation and doesn't want it fucking up before its even started
That was the reason for the sickie
It was so fucking obvious, comically so. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. Glen had pulled the wool over all our eyes. He deserves a fucking Oscar for that performance he put on for me earlier. He abused every position given to him, social and expected. In coming this close to redemption and a life outside of this cesspool I've found myself back in the middle of it.
He has systematically destroyed my life, Sarah's, Michael's and the whole town out of greed and jealousy.
There wasn't even a debate going on, no conscious suggesting that he's my best mate and Sarah's brother.
It was all supposition on my part, I had to ask him and I had to ask him now.
If I'm right, if. I will happily make the cunt suffer
-Jack what's up?
-I'm fine honestly. I’m sorry. Just thinking is all.
-Michael go out and play
I looked at my son and smiled put on a mask to hide the burning man
-You need the practice son. I'll be out with you in a minute and show you my silky moves.
Michael nodded and looked at Sarah for reassurance.
-He's just saying that cause he knows you'll beat him.
With that I had to feign shock at the outrageous truth and Michael laughed and ran out, relieved to be not told to stay at the table.
We sat in silence waiting till we heard the football being kicked or banged against the wall.
The barn door banged.
-Right are you going to tell me what's up cause what I'm seeing in you is what I saw eight years ago
What could I say, the truth? Looking down at the table, trying to make sense of my ludicrous thoughts, removing the illogical and being left with the probable and the probable no matter how much I wanted to disbelieve I had to admit was correct. Is protecting Sarah and Michael telling the truth?
If I had stayed it would have made no difference, my dad would have still been dead. If I had stayed, they would have killed me.
That's why Patrick kept me close, like Judas, he betrayed me. That whole fucking abomination of a lie spun like a web which I was caught up in.
Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
He knew I was volatile like a plutonium rod in a from a meltdown of a Russian nuclear plant. To keep me off the smell, to bury me so deep doing his dirty work he thought I'd never have the time to avenge.
He enveloped my mother keeping her suppressed and kept Glen immersed in the waters of greed.
Why should he have bothered about Sarah's life, making it out to be my fault that she ended up this way. He and Patrick must have sensed that she had a vested interest in finding out about my old man. So I wonder if Glen set up the whole thing with Ronan, giving him free reign to dish out a few slaps and numb through nose powder.
-How did you meet Ronan?
-What?
-How did you meet Ronan?
-Why?
-Cause I really hope you tell me something different
Feeling the bile rising from my putrid heart
-I don't really remember
-Yes you do Sarah, please.
-We were in Carrick and I met him at the Landmark Hotel
-We?
Please don't say it
-Well just me and Glen
Fists down on the table my plate bounced off and smashed on the floor.
-Fuck!
Sarah jolts and stands up.
-What jack, what's wrong, what's all this?
One last job, then I'm out of here and I'm taking Sarah and Michael with me. One last chance to tell the truth, my heart beating like a bass drum. I had to tell her. I had to tell her everything.
Deep breath, deep deep breath.
Do I do it, do I tell her. If I just killed him and said nothing, we could never be together. If I told her the truth, if. How can I give the abridged version with time ebbing away.
Right.
Chapter 21
And as the air in my lungs came out in words, a weight lifted off my shoulders. I kept looking at my watch every 30 seconds keeping tabs on the time.
Of course I didn't tell the whole truth, what was I a fucking lunatic? Sarah sorry I haven't seen you for eight years but I'm going to gut your brother? Even though it had been a set up and he had orchestrated the whole thing, blood ties make you do stupid things, look what I'm doing. Sarah would warn Glen off, rat me out and I want him to be as ignorant for as long as possible. Or let him know without knowing I know. Like the devil, Glen had the ability to assume a pleasing shape and keep up the manipulation of Sarah.
She may hate me for a while, despise me. But I am certainly not going to finish at glen the truth would come out in the end.
If you believe the lie, it eventually becomes the truth and Patrick in a quasi ironic way got it with both barrels.
He couldn't let the crimes of the past remain there. However he got a backstreet facelift and just changed to a more lucrative crime where a balaclava and a pound of Semtex weren't required.
I spoke in frank terms about not knowing how my dad found out about the importation. Gut instinct, tip off or wanting a slice of the action. But whatever happened, he got murdered off the back of an order from Patrick. The murderer was still unknown but I didn’t tell her what Patrick had confirmed to me this afternoon before I killed him. I was a Ranger and my job was to infiltrate the cargo of coke arriving in Carrick tonight and to assassinate those in charge.
I thought Glen had been duped by the politician in Patrick and was sure that the pay off had come with small print. The stress on all who were close to my dad had caused cracks and Patrick would have exploited the cracks somehow. Maybe Glen didn't even realise it. But I had a job to do and I wanted Sarah and Michael away from their home because I believed apart from the fact there was a very pissed off Ronan around town, I didn't want those still at large turning the screw and using the both of them as bargaining chips.
Sarah looked at me like she bought it. It helped that I cried a little throughout when I spoke of my dad and regretting taking this stupid fucking job and this would be my last fucking job. I want out I want my life back.
I didn't go into any details about the drugs being taken back to Dublin or what my actual plans were.
I didn't notice but Sarah's hand was holding onto mine a bit firmer than normal. She asked if my mum knew about Patrick, I thought it was doubtful what with the amount of Valium she was on and how Patrick had entrapped her with delusions of grandeur. She asked about Glen what would happen to him? I wasn't too sure about that, as I said he may not be aware and I want to try and protect him from the fallout.
What about the fallout? I said that I didn’t know but I guessed the government have prepared a file which will suggest an internal hit and leak it to the press.
I guess. I guessed a lot.
Far be it from me to say I was an excellent manipulator, but I could have been Richard fucking Nixon and I hated myself for it.
I knew that as soon as I left the house, Sarah would be on the phone to Glen, concerned, worried about her big brother and the silly mistakes he had made.
Glen won’t be as duped. If I’m right on my hunch, his stomach will sink below street level as he hears what I’ve done to Patrick. He will panic because one way or the other he crawled into bed with Patrick and now I had broken in with the urge to flip the bed off a jagged cliff.
- Stay here tonight and don’t tell anyone where you are, not even Glen. Once I’ve done what I have to do I will come back for the both of you and we leave the country.
She didn’t look like she bought that, knew me well enough to know I was hiding something but daren’t question it. She took the fact I admitted to killing very well actually, no matter how much I spun it and had justifiable reasons, killing is killing.
But the cunt deserved it.
She held my hand and nodded, I’d been given the green light to go and an understanding passed between us.
We stood up at the same time and made our way to the door, I was ready for the laughing gas, I was ready for what was next.
Michael had lamped the ball against the wall and it bobbled past me, I trapped it and just passed it back, no time for fun and games, more gun and games.
- Tomorrow we shall have a knock about and I’ll even let you beat me
Nods and smiles cloaking disappointment, he was more like me that I could even imagine.
I put my hand onto Sarah’s hip and remembered that Michael doesn’t know anything yet just as I was about to go in for a kiss, so just smiled and got a worried smile back.
Getting back into James’ car, I leant over into my bag to quadruple check everything was in its right place knowing I was being watched and that within minutes Glen would know. It’s 15 minutes to Boyle if I high tail it through and another 15 or so out to Carrick from there.
But I would have to drive back through town, and who knows what diversions may be rolled out to ensure I didn’t get to Carrick. If I drove up towards Ballinafad, I’d be able to get onto the N4 and by-pass Boyle altogether.
No, stupid think.
The N4 goes out by the entrance to Forrest Park, I would have to drive round the lake, through Knockvicar and Cootehall cause I was a stupid bollox and fucked up my own route by killing Patrick.
I waived out the window, once I’d put the bag into the footwell. I didn’t feel sadness or loss at going because I knew that I would be back. I felt righteous like an angel carrying a savage weapon.
I turned over the ignition, put the car into reverse and pushed my foot down on the accelerator, waived again and the image burned into my consciousness as I pulled down hard to the right, swung into a dirt track leading to a field behind the sheds, crunched the gearbox and eventually got the bitch into first and flew.
I was surely ready to head once more unto the breach.
Chapter 22
I was running on exhaust fumes. I felt weary and tired, I needed a pick me up soon enough. Not even five minutes down the road from seeing Sarah and Michael, after my soap box sermon on the ills of substance misuse, my decision on what to do once I'd seized the coke, I still wanted a fix. But I can justify the reasons for it.
