Thundering Meadows, page 10
What was going on? Where was Rose?
He changed Sarah’s nappy, found a bottle to feed her with, and gave a hungry Tommy a cookie. With the children’s immediate needs satisfied, he started looking for his wife.
Looking at Tommy, he asked, “Where’s your momma?”
Tommy gazed at him, his thumb snug in his mouth, and shrugged as if to say, “I don’t know.”
Uneasy, James peered into the two bedrooms and into the loft, but she wasn’t anywhere inside the house. Where could she have gone? She wouldn’t have left the children unattended. His apprehension grew as he remembered what had occurred years ago when Elizabeth had been kidnapped by a deranged man, intent on hurting her. James had been behind bars and hadn’t been able to help. He couldn’t bear it if someone else in his care was hurt because he hadn’t been there.
Had Charles finally come for Rose? Sneaked onto the ranch unbeknownst to them and taken her, but leaving the children behind? There didn’t appear to be any signs of a struggle, so it couldn’t be that. She had to be here somewhere.
With Sarah tucked into the crook of his arm, he stepped out onto the back porch and found her. She sat on an old wooden rocking chair, a blanket wrapped around her slim frame, and her face was buried in her hands. Her shoulders were shaking and heartbreaking sobs poured from her. He stepped inside, put Sarah in her crib, and went outside to Rose. Kneeling, he placed his hands on her knees, not wanting to alarm her.
“Rose, what’s wrong?”
The confusion and fear in her eyes broke his heart. The desolation almost undid him. He believed they had made progress, although now he had doubts. He would come home every night and she would have a smile on her face and dinner on the table, although they spoke little. What had he missed? He wanted to pull her into his arms and comfort her, but feared she would reject him. The last thing he wanted was for her to be unhappy.
She wiped her eyes with a corner of the blanket. “I hate that you found me like this.”
“It’s alright.”
She tried to stand, but James kept his hands on her knees and gently urged her to stay in the chair.
“Please let me help. Can you tell me what’s bothering you?”
She shoved away his hands. “I should get inside. I left the children for too long, and I’m sure they’re hungry. Sarah needs to be changed. I haven’t started dinner, the laundry has piled up, and the house is a cluttered mess. I didn’t mean for you to come home to this. I’ll go inside and take care of everything,” she said in a rush.
“Rose, stop,” he said. “I’ll take care of Tommy and Sarah. Why don’t you sit out here and enjoy the break in the weather? I’ll call you when dinner is on the table.”
“No, no. You can’t do that. I just needed a few minutes to catch my breath.”
“No arguing. Let me do this for you.”
Patting her hands, James stood. He picked up the blanket that had fallen, pulled it up over her shoulders, and closed it around her. She wasn’t confiding in him, and he couldn’t blame her. They had been married for almost two months, but they didn’t have any meaningful conversations. They were like two strangers living in a boarding house, being cordial and polite but discussing nothing about their pasts, let alone anything about their hopes, dreams, and desires. He had been so determined to do right by her and showing Ben he wasn’t the man he was before, that he had ignored the woman who he’d pledged to protect.
“Stay here, watch the sunset. I’ll take care of the children.”
She wrapped her arms around her knees and stared into the dark trees. She was distraught and looking so alone that it brought forth disturbing memories he had long forgotten. When his sister Elizabeth was born, their ma had gone through a terrible time. He remembered how tired and how distracted she had been. She would cry at every little thing and forget to feed them, her mind distracted, her movements stilted, and her eyes vacant.
He would come home from school and find Elizabeth crying inconsolably in her cradle, covered in a wet nappy, and his ma curled on the bed oblivious to everything around her. He would care for both his ma and his baby sister while Elizabeth’s pa spent his time in brothels and saloons, drinking away what little money they had. He had only been eleven when Elizabeth was born and during that time, he had grown up fast, taking on the responsibilities that should have been done by the man of the house.
Elizabeth’s pa had been a hard man. He treated his ma no better than he did the cattle on their failing homestead. Every evening, the man would come home, immediately pick up a bottle, and drink himself into oblivion, and those were on the nights he came home. When he wasn’t drowning his woes in a bottle, he’d be found at the nearest saloon or holed up in the drunk tank at the local jail.
His ma had tried to make her husband happy, but between his surly attitude and her lack of energy, things deteriorated rapidly. Scared and confused, James hadn’t understood and tried to care for her the best way he knew how, but now he wondered if his ma and Rose suffered from the same affliction. With time, his ma had found her strength and went back to her normal self, but for months after Elizabeth’s birth, she had been someone he hadn’t recognized and he had worried he would never see the ma he loved ever again.
Rose was showing the same behaviors, and he had failed to recognize them until now. Was it too late? Had he failed Rose as much as he had failed his ma?
Fourteen
After the children were clean, fed, and put to bed, James wiped away the crumbs on the table and thought about what might have brought them to this moment. He had let his own selfish desires dictate what he did. He might have been trying to care for his new family and proving to Ben he could be reliable, but he had failed to ensure Rose had everything she needed and that she was happy. Failing his mother, then his sister when he left all those years ago, still haunted him. Would he ever learn?
He never considered she might be overwhelmed, that she might regret the decision she made to marry him. He hadn’t tried to ask her how her day was, what she enjoyed doing, and asked nothing about her past. He didn’t offer to help her with the children or any of the household chores. She had lost her husband, was running scared from a horrible man, gave birth to a baby, and had married a stranger. It was no wonder she had reached her breaking point.
With their meal on the table, he lit a couple of candles and threw more logs on the fire. He wanted the evening to be special, not because he had any romantic notions, but because he wanted to show her, he cared. He didn’t want her to believe she had made a mistake.
He was keeping his imprisonment from her and was anxious about what she would do if she discovered his past. By offering Rose a home for her and her children, he hoped he would be one step closer to becoming better than what he had been.
Elizabeth believed it was his duty and responsibility to tell Rose, and the longer he waited without mentioning it might increase the chances she would never forgive him. He wondered if Elizabeth was right. There were days he believed he had made the right decision. He paid his debt to society. Rose never asked questions, so he didn’t see a reason to share that part of his life, but had he given her the opportunity to ask?
Going outside, he found Rose still curled in the chair, fast asleep. He hated to wake her, but the temperatures were dropping, and she needed to eat. She had lost a remarkable amount of weight and the significance of that weighed heavily on him. She was wasting away. He had been ignoring it instead of facing it. He needed to fix this now before it raged out of control.
With his hand on her shoulder, he shook her awake. Her eyes fluttered open, and it took her a moment to focus. She shifted and started apologizing. He placed his finger on her lips, silencing her. Surprised, she stopped. He couldn’t believe what he had done. He hadn’t touched her since New Year’s and for a moment, he thought he had gone too far, but she didn’t pull away.
He slowly removed his finger, the rough pad dragging across the fullness. Staring at her damp, pink lips, he had an overwhelming urge to place his on hers. He kept dreaming of their kiss on New Year’s and yearned to do it again, but knew it was far too soon.
Gulping down his uneasiness, he said, “Food’s on the table. Come inside. Eat something.”
“The children?” she asked, her legs uncurling from the chair.
He tried not to stare but was finding it difficult. She was attractive and his blood hummed under his skin.
“James?”
“What?” He had lost focus. “Oh, they’ve eaten and are already abed.”
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I should’ve been inside helping.”
“You’re exhausted. I was happy to do it. It was the least I could do.”
“But…”
“No buts,” James said. “Let’s go inside. We can talk there.”
Holding his hand out, he hoped she wouldn’t reject what little comfort he tried to offer. Seconds passed before she placed her hand in his. It fit perfectly. She stood within a hair’s breadth of him. He was desperate to pull her into his arms. She looked forlorn and alone. Not wanting to be rejected, he refrained.
Tugging her gently, he led her inside, where it was warm.
Her movements were sluggish, but she appeared to be coming out of her stupor. “You cleaned and cooked?” She pulled her hand from his, her fingers loosening as she stepped away from him and ran her fingers across the table, looking at the warm food he had prepared.
“Yes. I hope you like it. I’m not much of a cook but can rustle up some food. Elizabeth never starved while we were together.”
“Thank you for doing this.”
James sat in the chair across from her. Dishing up eggs, he piled them high on her plate before handing it to her. One of the other things he had failed to do was provide her with enough foodstuffs. There wasn’t much left on the shelves or in the cold cellar. He was ashamed. If he was to be the man of this house, then he needed to act as such. He had made sure Elizabeth had plenty while he had his ranch. Why had he failed to do the same for Rose and her children?
Taking the plate from him, she picked up her fork and moved the eggs around the plate, not really eating.
He moved a platter of warm bread closer to her, but she didn’t seem to notice. He wanted to say something but was afraid if he did, she would get angry or reject his good intentions.
She lifted her eyes and saw him staring at her. “What?” she asked.
“Is something wrong with the food?” He waved toward her plate.
“No, why?”
“You haven’t eaten.”
“I have,” she said, her eyes flashing dark green as she shoved a forkful of eggs into her mouth as if to prove him wrong.
Once again, he had miscalculated. He shouldn’t have said anything, but he was grateful he had angered her enough to eat. He could handle her anger but couldn’t deal with her wasting away from lack of food.
The following day, Rose woke feeling slightly better, but still not as well as she’d like. Stretching her arms high above her head, she enjoyed the moment before it hit her—she hadn’t woken during the night to feed Sarah. Aghast, she threw off the blankets and frantically looked for her slippers.
There was no way Sarah would’ve gone all night without a feeding. Why wasn’t Sarah screaming? She found her slippers and shoved her now cold feet inside of them. She grabbed her wrapper and scurried to the cradle settled near the fireplace.
It was empty.
Her heart was in her throat and tears filled her eyes. Where was her baby? Devastation slammed into her. What if Charles had found her and had taken Sarah?
She yanked open the door and stopped in shock. James sat in the rocking chair, his back to her, the fire crackling before him. Sarah was nestled in his arms, fast asleep. Tommy played on the floor next to him.
She blinked to keep the tears at bay. She was a horrible mother. She hadn’t been able to do anything right for days. James arrived and within a couple of hours, had everything under control.
How could she continue to do this? How could she take care of her children? She was inadequate and overwhelmed. All she wanted to do was sleep. She hadn’t felt this way after Tommy’s birth, but now she felt helpless. She didn’t understand what was happening to her.
Taking a deep breath, she touched his shoulder. He turned his head and placed his free hand on hers and smiled. What a gorgeous smile he had. She knew she was married to a handsome man and seeing him like this made her heart tug.
“How do you feel?” he asked.
Determined to keep her feelings to herself, she lied and said, “Much better, thank you. I shouldn’t have slept for so long. You’re late for work.”
“I sent word I’d be late. Ben’ll understand.”
“Still, I’m not sure what came over me.”
He stood without waking Sarah and with his free hand, he brushed his knuckles across Rose’s cheek, letting it slowly drop to where her neck met her shoulder.
“You needed the rest, and I wish I would’ve noticed how overwhelming things had become. I should’ve been looking out for you and gotten you help.”
The hair on her neck crackled and defensiveness curled through her.
“I’m not overwhelmed.” She let the lie slip past her lips. “I just haven’t been sleeping well.”
He placed a finger on her lips, stopping her from continuing. Angry, she pulled away from him. She wouldn’t be soothed by a gentle touch, even from him.
“I think we both know it’s more than that.” Sarah stirred in his arms, and he shifted her until she quieted. “I’ve been ignoring what’s been happening in my home.”
“Everything’s fine. I’m fine. I’m much better after getting a good night’s sleep. You can go. I’ve got it handled,” she said, reaching for Sarah, but James stepped back, putting distance between them.
“I don’t think so. I sent Elizabeth a note asking for help. She suggested you and the children come to the main house for a few days. There’ll be plenty of help for you there.”
Red, hot fury was circling through her. She glared at him. “I don’t need to do that. I can take care of my own children.”
“I don’t agree. You’ve lost more weight than you should have, you aren’t sleeping, and you don’t have any energy. You need help and you’re going to get it.”
How dare he decide what she needed.
“I’ve made up my mind. One of the ranch hands brought us a wagon. Go pack a bag for a few days. I’ve already gathered Tommy and Sarah’s things.”
It was then Rose noticed the bags sitting next to the front door. She wanted to argue with him. She wanted to stomp her feet in frustration, but she didn’t have the energy to even do that. He was right. She needed help, but she wasn’t willing to admit it to him or to anyone else. She couldn’t let anyone know how she wanted to crawl inside a hole and never come out. That scared her more than she realized.
Shoulders slumping, she turned and left James with her children. Failure pressed down on her so heavy it was a wonder she didn’t stumble under the weight.
An hour later, James pulled the horses to a stop and set the brake in front of the main house where Elizabeth met them. She would know how to fix this, but would Rose accept it? She had sat beside him, stiff and unyielding on the ride from the cabin. She didn’t look at him and answered his questions with one or two words, not elaborating, and anger oozing from her like a festering wound.
He knew Rose was unhappy as he had been harsh, but he believed it was necessary. He couldn’t help her and watch the children while he was working. Having more women to help Rose was the best thing for her. He didn’t understand what was happening, but he knew leaving her alone in the cabin was not the answer.
He jumped to the ground and reached to help her. She glared at him and waved him away.
“I don’t need your help,” she growled, her eyes flashing with anger and pain.
Ignoring her, he placed his hands around her very tiny waist and lifted her out of the wagon. As soon as her feet hit the ground, she moved around him, not saying a word. He reached into the bed of the wagon and pulled an excited Tommy into his arms. He pushed to be let down and then ran up the steps to Elizabeth and eagerly pulled on her skirts to get her attention. Her grin was infectious, and her eyes twinkled. She knelt to his eye level.
“Good morning, Tommy.”
“Mornin’. Can I play with…” he looked up at Rose for help with her name.
“Vicky,” Rose replied.
“Can I play with Vicky?” he asked, his eyes wide with excitement and anticipation.
“Of course. Go inside. She’s waiting for you.”
Tommy ran for the front door but halted when Rose called out to him. “Tommy, no running please and be good for momma.”
“Yes, Momma,” he said over his shoulder as he hurried into the house, the door slamming behind him.
“I’ll talk to him about the slamming doors. I hope he doesn’t do any damage.”
Elizabeth patted Rose on the arm. “No need to be concerned. He’s excited. Vicky’s always slamming doors, running through the house, having fun. A house is made to play in, to have fun. There isn’t anything he can do that Vicky hasn’t already done.”
“I’m not sure about that as he is awfully rambunctious, but thank you,” Rose murmured.
“No need to thank me. Now, let’s get you inside and settled.” Placing her arm around Rose’s waist, Elizabeth led her inside. Elizabeth turned to look at James with questions in her eyes.
His note hadn’t explained what had happened. It was up to him to tell Elizabeth that Rose was having a difficult time after the birth, as he didn’t expect Rose would confide in her.
