Mortimer, page 19
part #6 of Everybody Loves Large Chests Series
Right up to its inevitable conclusion.
“…”
The demons rambunctiously watching the show until mere moments ago now stared in total silence at the flashing sign that read ‘WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.’ This lasted for several awkward minutes during which not one of them uttered a peep. The big question left hanging in the air was, of course, whether Boxxy had actually died or if this was just another ‘glitch’ like the one after it killed Teresa’s Hero.
*Toot-tu-tu-doot*
Kora received her answer when a floating box of light materialized in front of her slack-jawed face along with a melodic chime.
From: noreply@demons.r.us
To: xXx_pussydestroyer69_xXx@beyond.general;
CC: carl.s@demons.r.us; ceo@demons.r.us; bigbootybitches@beyond.old; caramelldansen4lyfe@beyond.old;
Subject: Summoning contract annulment
Koralenteprix Khusuuszun Caonthioxxaa,
This is an automated message officially informing you that your summoning contract with [ERROR 404: NOT FOUND] is now void. The cause(s) of this termination will be listed below:
Contractor fatality (DSC Article 1-4).
For any further inquiries, please contact your direct supervisor at: carl.s@demons.r.us
This is an automated D-mail. Do not reply to it.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t the answer she was hoping for. The broadcast’s final images combined with what was quite literally staring her in the face made it abundantly clear that Boxxy had just died. Before she could even begin to process this un-tasty feeling welling up within her, Kora’s eyes latched onto the obvious oddity in the message. Namely, the big honking ‘NOT FOUND’ part. That space should have held Boxxy’s full name, yet it didn’t. This was because the monster’s soul had been whisked away by a certain man’s heresies before it could be processed, but Kora had no way of knowing that. Nor did she particularly need to. She wasn’t sure how or why, but she had this strange hunch that Boxxy wouldn’t die even if it was killed. It was a baseless and wild conjecture, yet she latched onto it with supreme confidence.
Kora had thus tasted something that only a handful of demons would ever truly experience – hope.
Armed with this unknown yet uplifting sensation, she made her way towards the Demons ‘R’ Us offices with a huge grin on her face. The pseudo-basement around her faded away and an incalculable number of sceneries rushed past as she approached her destination. Well, technically speaking she wasn’t so much ‘approaching’ the place as she was ‘imagining herself being there.’ It was the best and indeed only way to navigate this thought-realm. Space and, to a far lesser extent, time had a more wibbly-wobbly nature in the Beyond than they did in the material world. One merely had to think hard enough about an individual or location and the dimension would wrap around itself to bring the two of them together. The malleable nature of the reality was why the place was such a mess, but also how demons were able to turn objects and shapes from their memory and imagination into reality. At least, as ‘real’ as things were in a place made up of naught but thoughts, nightmares, and delusions.
Indeed, after only a few seconds of thinking later, Kora found herself standing in a long, well-lit hallway. A fuzzy blue-and-purple checkered carpet covered the floor and the beige walls on either side were broken up by dozens upon dozens of bright red doors. Each door had a small golden plaque, and most of them had a few demons of various types lined up. The ceiling above was a ceaselessly crawling and writhing mass of random insects that occasionally burst into purple flames for no discernible reason.
All in all, just another day at Demons ‘R’ Us.
*Toot-tu-tu-doot*
Kora had barely set off for Carl’s office when she heard the familiar jingle of another incoming D-mail. She didn’t get many of those, so she had it set up to instantly open newly received messages.
From: bigbootybitches@beyond.old
To: noreply@demons.r.us
CC: carl.s@demons.r.us; ceo@demons.r.us; caramelldansen4lyfe@beyond.old; xXx_pussydestroyer69_xXx@beyond.general;
Subject: RE: Summoning contract annulment
HAHAHAHA! I KNEW THAT STUPID BOX WOULD DIE A HORRIBLE, PAINFUL DEATH! SERVES IT RIGHT FOR FUCKING WITH ME! TOO BAD I WASN’T THE ONE TO DO IT! I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON ITS SORRY LITTLE SOUL SO I CAN TORTURE IT FOR ALL ETERNITY!
Yup, that was definitely Kora’s uncle, Overlord Nagnamor himself. He probably requested to be kept up to date on the monster’s status since he had a certain… history with it.
*Toot-tu-tu-doot*
From: bigbootybitches@beyond.old
To: EVERYONE
Subject: I suck dicks
Hello, everyone!
Just writing to inform you that I do indeed love the cock. Unless you weren’t aware, the penis is a nutritious, delicious treat that makes my tum-tum tingle with delight! Flaccid old man dicks are the best, especially if they’ve been in my ass beforehand. If you see me strutting around, be sure to let me know what you think of my passionate thirst for man-meat, and I would gladly suck yours if you happen to have one. If not, that’s okay. Buttholes are a close second best on my list of things I love to lick, and everyone has one of those!
My absolute favorite are dicks, by the way.
Love,
Overlord Nagnamor of the Flamboyant Fellaters
There was a sudden rush of snickering, giggling, and laughing as none of the other demons in the corridor could contain their amusement at this sudden development. Kora herself was clutching her sides while laughing out loud by the third sentence. The next message in the chain arrived just as she had recovered from her humorous fit.
*Toot-tu-tu-doot*
From: caramelldansen4lyfe@beyond.old
To: bigbootybitches@beyond.old
CC: xXx_pussydestroyer69_xXx@beyond.general;
Subject: RE: RE: Summoning contract annulment
��������Nice one, idiot!!! �������� That’ll teach you to Reply All without thinking! ������ Can’t wait to see your inevitable ������������ session! I swear, this day (or night? IDK LOL ������) just got ��/10!!!
P.S. Koralenteprix my dear, I sincerely hope you don’t turn into a senile cockgobbler like this old fart. �������� But then again, the apple doesn’t fall far from the retard tree!!! ��������
All the best,
Ultra ��️ Magical �� Princess �� Lulu��
Well, that cringy eyesore of a correspondence certainly killed Kora’s mood. Why the fuck was Overlord Liusolra in on this anyway?
*Toot-tu-tu-doot*
A message that was probably Nagnamor’s reply came in, but his niece mentally dismissed it on the spot. Even though she loved herself a good flame war, she had more pressing matters to attend to, such as finding Carl’s office. Unfortunately, none of the door labels looked remotely familiar, and she realized that she had mind-warped into the wrong section of… whatever Demons ‘R’ Us was. She’d never seen the place from the outside, now that she thought about it. Then again, thinking was never her strong point. This was also why it was common for her to fail to arrive at her intended destination on the first try. It wasn’t a big deal though, she just needed to concentrate a bit harder.
*Toot-tu-tu-doot Toot-tu-tu-doot Toot-tu-tu-doot*
“… D-mail: Disable notifications.”
[D-mail settings updated.]
With the spam taken care of, she once again began focusing, this time imagining herself ‘in front of Carl’s door’ rather than ‘at the office.’ A short Beyond-hop later she was standing in a hallway very similar to the previous, except that the door in front of her was labeled ‘Katorolomaongott Sagattorius – B-Rank Contract Manager.’ Satisfied she had arrived at the right place, she knocked on the door once. Her light tap somehow sent it flying off its imaginary hinges and crumble to dust against the opposite end of Carl’s personal office. The devil himself was seated behind a U-shaped desk seemingly made from polished oak. A multitude of floating stone tablets circled in the air around him, showing him various images, graphs, and other information he needed to service his clients.
The demon’s figure, or at least the part sticking over his desk, had the standard arrangement of humanoid limbs. He had flawless, bright pink skin and a face handsome enough to be called a male succubus, if such a thing existed, along with a stylish goatee and well-trimmed sideburns that went up to his slicked-back black hair. His more obviously demonic features manifested themselves as four pairs of pointed ears similar to Kora’s and a short, strangely cute pair of horns poking out from either side of his forehead. Like all devils, his face had a complete and total lack of eyes, showing only smooth pink skin where one’s ocular orbs would normally be.
At the very least he still had eyebrows, which made reading his facial expressions very easy.
“Uh, yeah we do. That’s what clause 2-2 is for, dumbass.”
Judging from the way he was speaking to nobody in particular, it became apparent that he was currently on the line with someone. To his credit, Carl hadn’t uttered a peep at having his front door broken down by an unannounced visitor. It was the sign of a true professional, or at the least someone already used to Kora’s bullshit.
“Hey, look here, buddy!” he continued. “You can do whatever you want with it, I’m just saying we won’t be held accountable for any injuries, dismemberment, death, or eternal damnation that may-! … Yes, okay, fine. Just remember – you asked for it. Bye.”
*Click*
“Wow! What an asshole!” he complained aloud. “Be with you in a sec, Kora.”
He turned to his left and ran his six-fingered hands over a slab that had hundreds of stone buttons in it. The tiny rectangular switches started moving in and out of their sockets seemingly by themselves, producing a veritable concerto of clicks in the process. Kora had no idea what the fuck any of that did as none of them were actually labeled in any way. From her perspective, it looked like Carl was hitting the identical gray squares at random. She was, of course, wrong. The devil was actually filling in a new familiar recruitment form that would later be sent to Weaxohn the All-Knowing. The individual in question held many titles – Overlord, Demon King, and acting CEO of Demons ‘R’ Us. Those naturally came with a whole slew of responsibilities that taxed the ancient beholder to capacity. His most prominent duty was single-eyedly managing the flow of information throughout the Beyond, including D-mail correspondences and everything pertaining to summoning contracts. He even outsourced some of his services to Terrania’s pantheon, though the deities in question didn’t know about it.
“Alright then,” Carl finally turned towards Kora. “I assume you’re here about Boxxy’s contract?”
“Yup,” she nodded.
“Well, before you get ahead of yourself, I should let you know that I can’t make a contract with a dead soul.”
“I know. I’m not that stupid.”
“… Sure, you’re not. Then what brings you here? Are you looking to get back in it right away?”
“Something like that, yeah.”
“You know you technically don’t have to do that anymore, right?”
Although it wasn’t their main reason for doing so, a demon would have a higher predisposition to Ranking Up if they spent time in the physical realm while under contract. Once – or rather if – they ascended to a higher state of being, they could use other means to reach out from the Beyond. Granted, Kora’s ‘promotion’ was certainly an unusual case, but it still came with all the perks and responsibilities befitting her new status as an archfiend.
“I know of a very fun dungeon that’s looking for a new mid-boss,” Carl enthusiastically offered. “It’s one of Axel’s places, so you can be sure there’s gonna be lots of fighting. You know how he insists on testing his followers and whatnot.”
“Hmm… Nah, I’m good.”
Kora considered it for a second before passing on the opportunity.
“Alright, then,” said Carl, clearly disappointed. “Should I just mark your file as ‘available,’ then?”
“Nope!” declared the fiend with a huge smile. “I want to make a reservation, actually!”
“Oh? Caught an aspiring young Warlock you want to be bonded to, did you?”
“Something like that.”
“Alright, if you say so.”
The devil shrugged lightly then hovered his six-fingered palm over the stone keyboard.
“What’s his name?”
“Boxxy T. Morningwood,” she declared loudly and proudly.
“… I just said-”
“I know what you said. The boss is dead, so I can’t have a contract with it. But I can be on the top of the candidate list when it comes back to life.”
Carl was at a momentary loss for words. What Kora wanted wasn’t against regulations and was entirely possible. It was just… unorthodox. Also weird, even by demon standards.
“C’mon, Carl!” she demanded. “You saw the error in the automated message, right?! If that’s not a sign that the boss is coming back, I don’t know what is!”
“That’s- That just a bug in the system. It doesn’t mean anything!”
“Nuh-uh! The boss’ll come back! It has to, okay?!”
“Listen to yourself! There’s no point in clinging to a-”
“FUCKING DO IT, CARL!”
*RRRUMBLE*
The whole building-like construct shook as the solidified thoughts around her threatened to collapse under the fury of an archfiend. While her apparent size was average for a fiend, that was mostly because she was thinking ‘small thoughts.’ If she wasn’t suppressing her essence and unleashed her true soul-self, she would become at least twenty times her current size and utterly demolish Carl’s office in the process. The way his door flew off at her slightest touch was proof enough of just how disruptive her presence was. All of this was a good reminder that even though Kora was still a newbie as an archfiend, a Ranker was still a Ranker.
That being the case, he could still teach her a thing or two about how the not-world worked.
“Okay, tell you what,” he leaned forward on his desk. “I’ll do the pointless, maybe-not-strictly-legal thing you want me to do. On one condition.”
“You don’t get to make demands!”
*CRRRRAACK*
The bug-ceiling split open for a second, momentarily revealing what appeared to be a giant fork chasing a three-headed mouse across a field of cheese.
“Look, all I’m asking is that you put your money where your mouth is,” the devil remained calm.
“… I’m listening.”
“We’re going to make a little wager, you and I. If Boxxy miraculously comes back to life and gives me a call, you win. But if more than, say, two years pass and you’re still waiting around here, then it’s my win.”
“Fine by me! So how much do you feel like handing over to me upon your inevitable defeat?”
“Let’s see, you’re a fiend so how does a stack of a hundred Essences of Rage sound?”
Essences were lumps of psychic energy harvested from mortals, either directly or indirectly. Master Occultist Alchemists could sometimes pluck them from the Beyond and bottle them up to make otherwise impossible concoctions. For instance, distilled Essence of Desire was a key ingredient in the manufacture and application of a Soulstone, though the process broke no less than three Taboos. Namely, Goroth’s ban on transmutation, Mortimer’s restriction on necromantic practices, and Lunar’s ‘no cursing’ policy. Nine out of ten Alchemists would agree this was a terrible waste of a rare and valuable material.
That said, the incorporeal substance was far more common in the Beyond than outside it. So much so that demons regularly used it as a form of currency. They also had the option of consuming the solidified emotions in hopes of increasing their power and achieving a Rank Up, though the chance of that happening was astronomically low. Overlord Liusolra currently held the record for the fastest ‘essential’ demonic ascension, having supposedly obtained her initial Rank Up after devouring around two thousand Essences of Sorrow.
Thus, while a hundred wasn’t worth much in the grand scheme of things, it was still difficult to ignore.
“Pfft, get that weak shit out of here! I raise you to a thousand!”
Carl let out a disappointed sigh.
“If you’re just going to pointlessly showboat, then-”
“I’m dead serious. A thousand Rages on the boss’s life.”
The reversal caught the devil a bit off guard, and he once more found himself at a loss for words. While it was clear that the uppity brat was just bluffing, he somehow didn’t feel right accepting it. By all means, it should have been an easy win, but it was important to remember just who this wager hinged on. Then again, there was a far more important matter to consider before any sort of bet could be made.
“Do you even have that much?” asked Carl in a doubtful manner.
“I will when I win!”
“Oh, for the love of- Look, if you want to up the stakes that’s fine, but at least pick a number you can get within the next century or two. Let’s do, say… four hundred?”
“Works for me! You’re on, waffle-face!”
Carl extended his hand towards Kora. She grabbed it without hesitation, sealing the pact between them. The archfiend laughed merrily on her way out, already licking her lips in anticipation of the victory that was sure to come. As for Carl, he got busy looking for someone who could take that mid-boss position the headstrong brute rejected. It was business as usual, but he still had a light smile on his face. He had just made an interesting devil’s wager, one where he would come out on top no matter the result. Sure, he could potentially lose a small nest egg of psychic energy, but that wouldn’t happen unless one of his favorite clients miraculously came back to life.
All things considered, he’d be pretty happy with either outcome.
Chapter Three
Obsessions
Part One
The magical lights of a luxurious chandelier glistened off the rim of a white porcelain cup. The dish had been made to appear like a tall flower with five petals, not dissimilar from a tulip. This was the creation of an up-and-coming Artist, someone lauded as a prodigy in all forms of sculpting. This reputation was ironic because the plain-looking young man did not have an artistic bone in his body. It wasn’t an inborn talent that allowed him to make a name for himself, but a combination of hard work, constant trial-and-error, mind-numbing repetition, and a ceaseless drive to earn money. As Goroth’s teachings promised, his relentless efforts were rewarded with success. The things he created through his sweat and tears were undoubtedly beautiful and aesthetically pleasing. Even the most uncultured of plebian would appreciate the elegant lines and intricate figures engraved along that particular cup’s outer surface. It was more a work of art than a drink container, which was saying something considering it did the latter very well.
