The Legacy of Eve, page 21
She closed her eyes and blacked out.
Chapter Twenty
When the police brought her home, Mike really did try to help her. He didn’t shout and scream and tell her she was a disgrace. He took her to the doctor the next day and demanded she get some help. The doctor gave them contact numbers of organisations and local support groups, promised to make a referral but warned again of the long wait, and sent them on their way.
Mike ransacked the flat, removing every trace of alcohol he could find. He tried to book Eve into a private clinic, but she refused to let him spend his inheritance on her.
‘I’m not worth it,’ she said.
‘You are to us,’ he insisted.
She tried another tack. ‘Give me one last chance and then I’ll agree.’
School had just finished for the summer, which was a blessing and a curse. It meant that Mike was home to look after Annie because he no longer trusted Eve to be alone with her and she could hardly blame him. But it also meant that he hovered around all the time, watching Eve’s every movement and making her feel even more claustrophobic than ever.
After the pond incident, it was safer to distance herself from Annie. Mike didn’t understand and was clearly hurt by her indifference to their child, but it was the right thing to do, and if she was being honest, the easiest.
Meanwhile, Annie and Mike’s bond went from strength to strength. She giggled and wiggled her arms around when she saw him. She was rolling now, and she would flip herself across the living room towards him, always wanting to be as close to him as possible. Often, he slept in Annie’s room, on the floor by her cot, rather than in bed with Eve.
Meanwhile, she watched them, torn between jealousy and regret. She was an outsider in her own family now and it was all her doing, yet she resented it nonetheless.
Self-loathing, self-pity, shame, envy. It was exhausting.
She craved the buzz that alcohol gave her. She knew it was wrong, but she wanted it anyway. On Annie’s half birthday, as Mike called it, he decided that they should all go out for lunch. It was a beautiful summer’s day, not hot enough to be oppressive but perfect for a picnic in the park. Mike sang as he packed a bag with bread, ham, cheese and strawberries, but it sounded forced, as though he was pretending that they were just an ordinary family, looking forward to a pleasant day out together.
Eve put on a strappy dress and looked in the mirror, wondering how she had become so thin without even noticing. Her baby weight had fallen off her without any effort and now her collarbone protruded, and her face was gaunt. She rarely ate during the day; her only meal often the one that Mike made for them when he got home from work. Embarrassed, she popped a cardigan over her dress to hide her skinny frame.
‘Ready to go?’ Mike asked when she emerged from the bedroom. She nodded and he put Annie into her pram, handed Eve the bag and opened the front door. They walked to the park in silence, the easy conversation that used to flow effortlessly between them long gone. She knew he was trying but he was finding it increasingly difficult to communicate with her, to understand her, and so often he just gave up. When they arrived at the park, he suggested that they go to the pond first and feed the ducks but she shook her head fiercely.
‘No, let’s go over to the other side,’ she said.
He shrugged and took the path that circled the perimeter of the park until they found a quiet spot near some rose bushes. He lifted Annie out of her pram and placed her on a picnic blanket, where she proceeded to start picking grass and trying to eat it.
‘No, no, not for you, little love,’ Mike said as he pulled the grass from her tightly clenched fists, laughing and trying to catch Eve’s eye so they could share the moment. She looked away.
‘I’ve been thinking about what to do when I go back to school in September,’ Mike said, as he pulled the food out of the bag.
At this her ears pricked up. Summer stretched before them in a seemingly endless row of days, all the same. But at the end of it she had always known that he would go back to work, and she didn’t know whether the prospect thrilled or scared her.
‘I was thinking we should get an au pair. I don’t think we can afford a full-time nanny but the au pair could help you look after Annie and do the housework. It would be a bit of a squeeze. Annie would have to come in with us to free up a bedroom. But I think it could work.’
He was watching her, waiting for her reaction. She was aghast at the idea of a stranger living in her house, observing her movements and reporting back to Mike.
‘I don’t think so,’ she said.
They were silent for a few minutes until eventually Mike spoke. ‘It wasn’t really a question, if I’m being honest. I’ve already decided. We’re getting an au pair.’
It was then that she understood what he was really getting at. He didn’t want Eve to be alone with Annie, period.
‘I haven’t had a drink in days,’ she told him. ‘I’m trying my best.’
‘I know you are, love, and I’m proud of you. But it’s more than that. You don’t even seem interested in Annie. You never want to spend time with her. I’m trying to understand it and be patient because you’re going through a lot right now. Maybe you just need some time to take care of yourself for a while. I’m worried that looking after her will be too much for you.’
‘You don’t trust me with her.’
He looked down. ‘No, I don’t.’
If he knew what had happened to Annie the last time we were in this park, he’d trust me even less. She could barely bring herself to think about it. Anxiety started bubbling up inside her as she relived the moment that she saw Annie’s pram, upturned in the water. God, she needed a drink.
‘Eve, did you hear what I said?’
She came to and shook her head.
‘I said that we could try an au pair for six months. Maybe by then you’ll be feeling better. Isn’t it your first meeting tonight? That’s an important step in the right direction.’
The idea of going to an AA meeting appalled her. A few days off the bottle had made her see things in a new perspective. She couldn’t be an alcoholic if she could go that long without having a drink and she didn’t belong in a room full of low-life drunks who were pissed from the moment they woke up. She was just a young girl who liked to have a few vodkas and let off some steam once in a while. What was so wrong with that? But she had promised Mike that she would go to the meeting, and it was the only way she could save their relationship and be the mother that Annie needed her to be. The trouble was, she didn’t know if that was what she wanted. Her fiancé didn’t trust her and her baby hated her. She was struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. What she really wanted was to go out and get wasted. She thought about that night at Shane’s digs, conveniently forgetting how it had ended and remembering only the feeling she’d experienced when she was as high as a kite, dancing as though her life depended on it. Maybe I just need one more night out, she thought. And then I’ll be done with it, once and for all.
She turned and smiled at Mike. ‘Yes, the meeting’s tonight. I’m looking forward to it.’
He smiled back, pleased. ‘That’s great, love. Like I said, I’m really proud of you.’
That evening she didn’t even feel guilty when she said goodbye to Mike and left the flat because she was doing what needed to be done and that was far better than any stupid AA meeting. One more blow-out and then she would really try to be the person that Mike and Annie needed her to be. She would find a way to love them and, through doing that, perhaps she would find a way to love herself too. She headed in the opposite direction of the community hall where the AA meeting was taking place, and walked purposefully towards the pub where she had first met Shane, hoping desperately that he would be there.
When she got to the bar, she pulled out the money she had stolen from Mike’s wallet and ordered a drink.
‘Has Shane been in?’ she asked the barman.
He studied her carefully. ‘How old are you anyway?’
‘Old enough to be drinking,’ she retorted.
‘I’d stay away from Shane if I were you. He’s not good news.’
‘I didn’t ask for your concern, mate, I asked if you’d seen him.’
The barman shrugged. ‘Not for a few days.’
She drank up and ordered a second. By the third she’d made up her mind. She left the pub and started walking in the direction of Shane’s place, trying to remember the roads they’d taken to get there. But she’d been half-cut at the time and after a few wrong turns she ended up back where she’d started. Furious with herself, she was just about to give up and go back into the pub when she saw Shane sauntering down the street towards her.
He grinned when he saw her. ‘Hey darling.’
He didn’t ask what had happened to her the other night, why she’d disappeared. He didn’t strike her as the sort of person who asked too many questions. Instead, he just said, ‘Fancy a drink?’
‘Yes.’
‘Come on then.’
She went to head back into the pub, but he shook his head. ‘Not tonight, let’s go back to mine.’
She shrugged. ‘Okay.’
They stopped at an off-licence on the way, and she spent all her remaining money on booze. Then they carried the plastic bags, clinking with bottles, back to the house. She was far less drunk than she’d been the last time she was there, and it wasn’t how she remembered it at all. It was no longer the cool, smoky, atmospheric venue she had pictured it to be. It was dark, dirty, smelly and depressing; the sort of place most people would run a mile from. She hesitated in the corridor, wondering if she had made a horrible mistake by going there. It’s not too late, I can still turn around and go home, pretend I went to the meeting after all. Mike would never have to know.
‘You coming, darling?’ Shane was already halfway up the stairs.
She felt the weight of the bottles in her bag. Someone had lit a joint and the smell of cannabis permeated her nostrils. She nodded and followed him up the stairs. One last time.
Chapter Twenty-One
‘Eve, you’ve got a visitor.’
Eve opened her eyes but made no attempt to move. She stared straight ahead at the wall in front of her, until her gaze fell on a long, vertical crack in the plaster. She studied it idly, following its journey from the windowsill as it meandered down the wall towards the floor.
‘Eve?’
She didn’t respond. She was lying with her back to the door; her body providing a physical barrier against the world. She willed the nurse to go away and leave her alone, but she could still sense her presence in the room.
Eventually, Eve relented. ‘I don’t want to see anyone.’
The nurse tutted quietly. ‘Eve, your fiancé’s here. Mike.’
‘And I said, I don’t want to see anyone.’
They fell into silence, except for the monotonous sound of hospital machines. Finally, Eve heard the squeak of the nurse’s rubber-soled shoes as she walked away, no doubt shaking her head with disapproval. Eve continued staring at the crack. How long had it been there? How many poor bastards had lain in this bed looking at it for hours? Had they recovered from whatever ailed them and gone home or had they ended their journey here, in this soulless room?
When she had woken up in the hospital, her first thought was that she was dead. She imagined the nurse hovering over her to be some sort of angel, assessing her and deciding whether she should be allocated heaven or hell. Definitely hell, love, she wanted to say. But the worst thing was that she wasn’t even sad about it; she was relieved. The disappointment had only come when she realised that she was still alive after all and that the nurse was telling her that she’d been dumped anonymously outside the hospital and that she’d had to have her stomach pumped.
It came back to her then; going to the pub, finding Shane, getting wasted at his place. Drink, drugs, then nothing. She must have passed out or something. Who had taken her to the hospital? Was it Shane? She didn’t even know if anything had happened between them.
She had thought her only saving grace was that she was anonymous. But then she discovered that the nurses had rifled through her belongings and found a card in her purse with Mike’s name, address and number on it. He must have hidden it in there after the police had brought her home in a state, fearing that it might happen again. She was both touched and disgusted by the gesture. The busybody nurses had clearly called him up because now he was here, waiting to see her, but there was no way that she could see him, to face him after what she’d done.
‘Eve? It’s me.’
Anger surged through her. How dare the nurse let Mike in when she expressly told her she didn’t want to see him? Surely that was in breach of her rights? She was going to make a complaint, insist the self-righteous cow had some sort of disciplinary. But her indignance quickly ebbed away because she had no fight left in her anymore, and she sank once again into bleakness.
He was pacing around the room, finding a chair and dragging it over towards the bed. She refused to look at him, even as he sat down beside her and put his hand on her back. She moved away from his touch, curling up into a ball on the very edge of the bed.
‘Eve, what on earth happened? The doctor said you were dumped outside, unconscious.’
She didn’t respond.
‘Anything could have happened to you. It doesn’t even bear thinking about.’
She focused on the crack in the wall, willing him to leave.
‘I thought you were going to a bloody AA meeting. Where did you go?’
Still nothing.
‘Eve, we need to talk. Can you turn around, please?’
But she couldn’t even look at him, let alone talk to him. What was left to say? She had lied to him, stolen from him, chosen getting drunk with strangers over looking after her child. And she hadn’t even felt guilty about it. She had tried to blame him, and Annie, for her troubles, telling herself that if it wasn’t for them then none of this would have happened to her. But the truth was that the only person to blame was her. She knew that if she turned around he would shower her with reassurances, tell her that everything was going to be okay, that he would fix her, because for some absurd reason he still seemed to believe in her. But there was nothing left to fix and pretending otherwise was a waste of everybody’s time.
‘Eve, I haven’t got much time, I have to pick up Annie soon.’
Eve twitched slightly at the mention of their daughter’s name. Slowly and reluctantly, she turned around to face him, curiosity getting the better of her. ‘Where is she?’ she asked.
‘She’s with a friend from school. I couldn’t bring her here, I didn’t want them to know about her because of what happened to you. I can’t risk social services…’
She turned away again, unable to meet his eye. She knew exactly what he was going to say. He couldn’t risk social services taking Annie away because she was an unfit mother.
‘You need to leave, Mike. I don’t want to talk to you.’
‘Please, Eve!’ He was desperate, pleading with her. She almost broke, knowing what she was putting him through. But then she remembered the pram in the pond, the moment when she thought that she’d killed Annie, and she steeled herself.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ he said next.
Silence.
Finally, he stood up. ‘I’ll be back tomorrow. And we’re driving straight to a rehab clinic. I’m not giving up on you, Eve. I’ll never give up on you. Don’t give up on yourself.’ And then he left.
It was done, she thought with relief. The worst bit was over because by tomorrow she’d be gone. Some other soul would be in this bed, the next victim in the precarious and brutal circle of life, while she vanished without a trace, and she would never have to face him again.
She would never have to face Annie either.
‘Eve, the doctor has said you can go home now.’
Eve nodded and got out of bed, looking around for her things. Already she could feel a tingle of excitement at the prospect of getting out and having a drink. The doctor had warned her not to, of course. But he’d assumed that she was some silly young girl who’d gone too far on a night out, along with all the other Friday night stragglers who turned up in A & E every weekend.
As she buttoned up her coat, she considered her options one last time. There was still time to call Mike and tell him that she was being discharged. She could let him drive her to rehab and she could make a conscious effort to be a better person. Annie would never have to know about it and Mike would forgive her. But he’d never forget. Neither of them would, and he would never trust her with Annie, not completely. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t hide the pain and disappointment in his eyes, which betrayed how he really saw her now; as a waster, just like everyone else before him had seen her. Was it this that had cemented her decision not to go back to him? Was it her shame at realising what a bad mother she was, even worse than her own mum? Or was it simply the desire for another drink? Eve didn’t know anymore.
She gathered her things and slipped out before anyone could ask her who was picking her up. Out on the street, she took a few deep breaths of fresh air, and then began walking, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. It was the last time she was going to cry, she decided.
There was only one place left to go. She tried to remember where he lived, reliving the route they’d taken from the pub the previous night. She could picture the house, with its boarded-up windows and overgrown front garden. The sun was making her sweat and her feet were beginning to blister but she kept walking until she found it. She stood outside, staring up at it, trying to remember what had happened the previous evening. It was hard to believe that it was less than twenty-four hours since she’d last been there. Nothing had changed. Everything had changed.
