The Doc, page 20
“I won’t tell you again. Address me properly, or suffer the consequences, alright?”
“Yes, Miss.”
Alex pushed her down onto the bed and she carried on her intricate rope work. Sam guessed that she was working toward a classic hog-tie. As she did, Alex also gave the sort of filthy talk that Sam normally loved to hear. She had her own style for this. She was excellent with words, always managing to find the ones that caused her partner to blush the hardest, and also delivering them in a loving and tender tone.
“That’s my sweet slave,” she whispered. “What an obedient girl you are.”
She caressed her legs as she folded them back, hooking the ankle cuffs to the main tie. The position was quite comfortable, although Sam could not completely settle. Alex noticed it.
“Are you okay?” she asked, stilling her movements.
“Fine, Miss,” Sam mumbled. “Don’t stop.”
Alex obliged, in brilliant style. She caressed her arms and shoulders, ran her fingers roughly through her hair, and pinched her bottom until she made her squirm.
“That’s what happens when you try to tell me what to do, darling. No topping from the bottom.”
Another pinch made Sam cry out in genuine pain this time. Alex applied a soothing hand to her reddened skin.
“You sound so hot. I love the sight of you like this, Samah. So vulnerable… So helpless under my touch. I could do anything to you that I want now, couldn’t I? And you’d just have to take it, like the good girl you are.”
Sam welcomed the blindfold that she applied over her eyes, hoping it would help her to go deeper and to lose herself in the sensations. She was still struggling to be present in the scene. Of course, she wanted to carry on, but Alex began to untie her legs.
“Oh, no,” she protested. “We’re not stopping, are we?”
Sure enough, frustration got the better of her. She forgot the proper way to address her Mistress, and the response from Alex was swift. She grabbed hold of her arm binder, got her to stand, and pushed her back down again. Sam shivered in anticipation as she felt the heavy leather flogger caress her naked bottom. Ah, okay, then…
“Can’t say I didn’t warn you,” Alex told her. “This is going to hurt, but you have to learn your lesson.”
This kind of talk on its own was usually enough to put Sam in a delicious masochistic trance. But tonight, she never quite got there, and at the first strike of the flogger, her brother’s parting words flashed across her mind. ‘You’re sick, Sam, a total freak! Stay away from us. I mean it!’ The tails hit again, and Sam fought to keep her breath.
“Apologize for your behavior,” Alex demanded.
The third strike was harder, probably because she did not reply fast enough, but Sam could no longer form any words. She felt herself sinking, getting lost, although not in the way she’d hoped. Matt was not the first one in the family to call her a freak. Her father used to do it all the time. Fucking weirdo. Little freak. Even before she had any idea that she was gay, he seemed to know it. She was a tomboy, for sure. Different. And he hated that about her. Why can’t you be normal? Her mother’s voice inside her head now, screaming that it was her fault if her husband did not want to spend time at home with his wife and kids. He’s ashamed of you, Sam! Ashamed and disgusted! This is all your fault!
CHAPTER
28
“Don’t speak. Just breathe. It’s okay.”
Alex had felt a slight difference as they started to play but, when Sam told her that she was fine, she assumed that she just needed to warm up before they got into serious things. She kept a careful eye on her as they progressed and, other than being a bit fidgety, Sam looked okay. She did ask her again, and her lover not only confirmed that she was fine, but asked her not to stop. So, Alex picked up the flogger and dropped fully into role. The two women were evenly matched and nicely balanced when it came to their innate tendencies. Alex was a pure sadist, and Sam loved to feel pain. Except this time, following the third hit and stubborn silence from her, Alex realized that something was really wrong. Sam was tense. Reluctant. It did not look as if she was enjoying this one bit.
“Samah?” she inquired, concerned.
Again, no response, and Alex dropped the flogger.
“Sam. Hey.”
She helped her to a sitting position and pulled the blindfold off her eyes. Face wet with tears, breathing too hard, Sam stared right through her. Dammit! This was no pleasurable subspace.
“Darling, can you hear me? Sam!”
Quickly, Alex freed her from her bonds. As an experienced rigger, she knew to tie safe knots that she could undo in the blink of an eye if she needed to. She did that now and wrapped her partner up in a blanket, in her arms, and rested two fingers over the inside of her wrist. Racing pulse. Sweating. Classic signs of an anxiety attack, and Alex tightened her grip over her.
“Relax,” she murmured. “I’ve got you.”
A moment later, Sam took a shuddering breath and exhaled deeply. She blinked, settled a bit more. Alex was relieved to see focus return to her eyes.
“Welcome back. How are you feeling?”
“What—” Sam pulled forward, suddenly startled.
“It’s alright.” Alex held her back and smiled in reassurance. “I think you just had a moment. Keep breathing nice and deep for me.”
As she did, Sam’s next impulse was to apologize.
“Alex, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, just relax. When’s the last time you had food?”
“Um…”
“Lunch?”
“No, uh… I think I skipped that.”
She was frowning, genuinely struggling to remember her last meal. Alex shook her head.
“When I said BDSM was a bad idea on an empty stomach, I meant it,” she stated. “Looks like stress has really been getting to you, hasn’t it?”
“Yes. I wasn’t sure we should play tonight, but…”
“Oh, babe, you’ve got to tell me these things!”
“I know, I’m sorry,” Sam repeated. “I wanted to feel better. I thought this would help.”
“Look, there are other ways to do this that don’t involve me giving you bruises. It doesn’t have to be like that all the time.”
“Yes, I know…”
“I noticed you were distracted, but if you tell me you’re fine when I check in…” Alex caught herself in time. No, this was not fair. “I’m sorry, darling. You’re new to this. It’s my responsibility to look after you. I should have insisted, instead of launching right into hard play.”
∞∞∞
Alex appeared genuinely distraught, which made Sam feel even worse.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me.”
“Let me get you some water. Then we can just talk, okay?”
But it was not. Since when do I need looking after? Break down in tears in a woman’s arms? All of a sudden, Sam hated this side of herself. It went deep, she knew that… Even deeper than she had told Alex at this stage. It occurred to her that her partner could feel it, of course, this deep desire she had to surrender all to her. To be looked after, indeed, and protected. In many ways, this need had shaped Sam’s entire life. What she always lacked in her own experience, she gave to others. As a police officer, she was sworn to protect. She did that extremely well, gave it all she had, and never sought anything in return. Then, Alex came along. She was the only one that Sam felt might ever be able to understand, and to give her solace. Yet, opening up was so scary. Terrifying. This stuff might swallow her whole if she let it. Probably had already started. I can’t do this... Sam shrugged the blanket off and she started to pull on her clothes.
“Samah?” Alex prompted. “Talk to me, please.”
“I need some air.”
“Sure, we can—"
“No,” Sam interrupted. “I need to go.”
Alex stared, her face tight.
“Home, you mean?”
“For a ride first.” I need to feel like me again!
“Sam, you almost fainted on me, darling. If you want to go home, I can drive you…”
One thing Sam knew for sure was that she had to leave right now and be on her own, or her emotions would overwhelm her. She was not sure that she could afford to let that happen at this time.
“I’ll be fine,” she promised. “I really need to ride.”
Alex took her hand as she was reaching for her helmet.
“I’m sorry I went too far with you tonight,” she said, blue eyes glinting with almost painful intensity. “I would never harm you, Sam. I think you’re an incredible human being, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for you.”
Sam laced both arms around her neck, fighting fresh tears she did not want her lover to see.
“It’s not you,” she repeated. “Alex, please, believe me. I just need a breather.”
“I understand.” Alex laid a soft hand over her cheek as she pulled back. “Remember, you don’t need to do this alone. It can get emotional sometimes, this kind of play. Bring up some stuff. It’s okay if that happens. Doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. I am always here for you, Sam. Always. Don’t forget it, okay?”
Sam swallowed hard.
“Yes. I won’t forget.”
“One last thing before you go.”
“Of course…”
“Let me know when you get home, please? Just so I know you got there in one piece. I know it’s annoying, but…”
Sam kissed her softly.
“No, it isn’t. I’ll text you.”
“Okay, darling.”
Alex bit on her lip, obviously wanting to hold her back… The fact that she did not broke Sam’s heart a little more. She does care. At this precise moment, though, it was too much for her. She left, climbed on her bike, and accelerated down the road. She thought that the speed, the feeling of total control over her dangerous machine, and the usual blast of air on her face would help to ground her, but she just ended up crying all the way back to her house. No idea what was wrong with her all of a sudden. She sent Alex a short text to tell her she was safe, and received an immediate answer. ‘Thanks. Take care of yourself, my love. Alex managed to sound reassuring and warm even via text message… It was cold in the house. Sam went to sit next to the radiator, shivering, trying to make sense of what had just happened. I am always here for you, Sam. And yet… It had felt like goodbye. She told herself that she was imagining things, just in a bad headspace, and to let it go. But the idea still sent her racing to the bathroom to throw up. Barely enough time to brush her teeth before her phone rang. Not Alex. Not Mattieu.
“Greg. What’s up?”
Voice firm, emotions locked down. I can do this. Strangely, he was the one who sounded worked-up.
“Boss, you at home?” he asked.
“Yeah, I just got in.”
He often called to run things past her, and she assumed it would be the case now. She did not for a second expect what he told her next.
“Your brother drives a red Volvo? Plate ending in 445-BZ?”
“Yes.” She frowned. “Why?”
The car was brand-new and Matt was in love with it. If the vehicle had been stolen, he would have a meltdown about it… Sadly, it was more serious than that.
“Sam, I’m sorry,” Greg went on. “The car went off the road on the N32.”
She leaned forward, as her stomach tightened again.
“What?” she exclaimed. “When?”
“Now, I just got there. The rescue services are on the way. The car broke through the security railing and plunged into the ravine. I can’t see much from up here… Was Matt out tonight, do you know?”
Sam had no idea about that, but who else would be driving the car? Not Julie, who did not even have a driver’s license, and Mattieu would never lend his car to anyone else.
“I’m on my way,” she snapped.
“N32, right after the Nestlé factory,” Greg advised. “I’ll be there.”
She beat speed records all the way to the crash site. By the time she arrived, the rescue services were preparing to go down to the vehicle. Sam peered over the barrier, feeling her heart sink as she spotted the car down below. Ah, fuck! It had plunged right through and now rested precariously, upside-down, half buried under vegetation. She could see the back of the vehicle, a wheel still spinning, the license plate... Matt’s car, definitely. She gritted her teeth, grabbed the railing in both hands.
“Sam! No!” Greg caught up with her just as she was about to climb over. “Don’t do that,” he warned. “I tried and almost lost it on the overhang.”
She glanced toward the rescue truck and the team of five, establishing safety lines. Working fast, and she knew them all by name. If Matt was alive down there, they would get him out and give him the best chance of survival. No doubt.
“You okay, Boss?” Greg inquired.
“Yeah,” she nodded. “Did you call out to him?”
“Yes. I got no answer.”
No empty reassurances either, which she appreciated.
“Who called you out here?”
“No one. I was just driving down the road when I noticed the smashed barrier and smoke coming out of the ravine. Called the rescue team and an ambulance, then noticed the plates on the car.”
As an ambulance pulled up on scene, two members of the rescue team started rappelling down the cliff. It was cold, with a light mist making everything glisten wet. Pitch black but for the blue lights of the emergency vehicles. Eerie, heavy atmosphere. Sam clamped down on a feeling of dread and she went to stand with the rescue team.
“Chief,” the lead guy nodded. “You out tonight?”
“This is my brother’s car,” she stated.
“Oh, shit!” He shot her a wild look. “Okay, well, hold on. The guys are about to get there.”
Translation: I’m just about to find out if my brother is dead. Sam leaned over the barrier again, holding on so hard that the metal cut into her hands. She did not notice. Just kept her eyes on the medics flying down the side of the cliff on their ropes. Once at the car, they attempted to crawl inside through the shattered back window. Sam jumped when her phone rang again. It was Julie.
“Hey, Sister. You okay, sweetie?”
Sam made a split-second decision to hold back for the time being.
“Yeah,” she replied, eyes riveted onto the unfolding rescue below. “You?”
“Fine. I’m just calling to ask if you’ve seen Matt? He went for a drive to clear his head; said he might stop to see you on the way. This stuff between you guys has been eating away at him. But it’s late now, and he’s left his phone at home, so…”
Sam closed her eyes for a second. So, her brother had made the first step toward her, but she was not there for him when he came round. Too busy engaging in filthy play. All of a sudden, it hit her hard. A feeling of shame and even revulsion. Jesus! What the hell am I doing?
“Sam?” Julie prompted. “Is everything alright between you two?”
“Yes…”
A shout came up from the ravine.
“Send us the stretcher!”
Fuck! This could mean anything. She muted the phone and yelled back.
“IS HE ALIVE?”
CHAPTER
29
“You know what? I’m going to take the job.”
Alex shared her decision with Katherine ten days later. She had gone to Oxford, met and talked with the academic team, and been impressed with their easy ways, enthusiasm, and general open-mindedness. She no longer felt very free or empowered in her home country. England, never a real favorite in the past, was actually like a breath of fresh air for the two days that she spent there. The British were also among the first to lift all restrictive measures for Covid. Alex did not need to take a test to fly over there, and certainly no quarantine either. Britain was not perfect, but they seemed to exercise a measure of common sense that was sorely lacking in France. So, she had decided to accept the university’s offer.
“Moving to England,” Katherine reflected with a thoughtful nod. “Okay. Great.”
“It’s supposed to be a good thing,” Alex groaned.
“Of course it is, and I’m happy for you. If that’s really what you want.”
“What do you mean?”
“Alex, you know what,” Katherine said gently.
Yes, I do... Fifteen days without Sam had felt like an eternity. She thought of her all the time. Checked her phone, hoping for a call or text that never came. Sam was no longer checking in. She had gone completely silent. Gone, really…
“I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it… But I think perhaps we should.”
Alex sat at the kitchen table with a sigh.
“It’s out of my hands, Kat.”
“What did she say exactly?”
“That she needed a break from the relationship.”
“Because of her brother? How is he?”
“For now, they have him in an induced coma. He suffered serious thoracic and head injuries. I think Sam blames herself for what happened. They got into a fight a couple weeks earlier, you see. He told her she was a freak for seeing me, and she lost her temper with him in return.”
“Oh, dear…”
“Yes. Ugly stuff. Apparently, he was on his way to see Sam at her house when he drove off the road. He’d not been sleeping well, and that might have played a part in the accident.”
“I can see why Sam would blame herself for it.”
“But it’s not her fault,” Alex muttered.
“You think she’s struggling with the BDSM side of things?”
“I have a feeling, yes. Our last time did not go well either.”
“Unfortunately, it’s one of the risks of this kind of play. If she’s new at it and still learning her limits, especially. Does she understand that?”
“In theory, yes. But I sense it goes deeper with her.”
“Deeper? How?”
“I fear her brother’s accident may have acted as a trigger for some unconscious stuff to come up. We both know how it goes, Kat. Sometimes people jump into the lifestyle, full of enthusiasm, only to discover they can’t hack it emotionally.”
