Shadows and Light: The Complete Series, page 63
A comfortable silence settled in the cabin. Calista rested her head on his shoulder. Unable to stop himself, he placed his arm around her and drew her tightly against him before he said, “If anything happens to you, I’ll never forgive you … or myself.”
Chapter Seventeen
The arch-shaped French door stood wide open to the tile deck overlooking the Pacific Ocean. A light wind blew across the sand, perfuming the air with a salty aroma. Waves broke gently on the shore, sending up sprays of seawater over the rocks. Calista took in a deep breath and allowed the calm of the ocean to drain away the tension in her shoulders and lower back.
Adam stood motionless in the shadows off the patio, his gaze fixated on the horizon where the ocean met the black sky. Nothing about his stance was approachable.
She stepped back into the master bedroom. It was breathtaking with its vaulted, light-stained oak beam ceiling and a mixture of whitewash stain and painted walls. Soft blue and green accents added to the artfully arranged room. The only problem with the space was that it didn’t represent Adam at all. The room was a showpiece, not a home.
Calista couldn’t see Adam sleeping in the massive king-sized bed that sat in the middle of the room. The bed was staged, not a place that screamed out for the comfort of a good night sleep. In fact, this home held nothing―no photos, mementos―nothing of the man she was beginning to know.
Glancing out the window, she studied Adam. His silence was a thick, impenetrable wall. He closed himself off from her the moment he woke from a deep sleep on the plane. She could count on two hands the number of words they had shared since then.
After the plane landed in LAX, Adam pulled out a key from his pocket and opened the trunk of the only sedan parked in the lot for the private terminal. They drove in silence for more than an hour to a house that sat high in the hills overlooking the ocean.
Calista’s heart hurt for the man who stood alone staring out into the night. From the moment Anna first screamed in his head, he wanted one thing: to keep the people in his world safe. Instead of respecting that, she had shoved herself right smack in the middle of it. Calista didn’t doubt for a minute that Adam was more than capable of protecting her from Ludis. What frightened her to her toes was the length he would go to keep her safe.
Why in the hell did she get back on that damn plane? Had she completely lost her mind? Anna was a remarkable child, but she was just a child. Adam had every right to be angry.
Acting compulsively wasn’t Calista's style, especially since Hanna’s attack. She kept her world very small and safe. What she should have done was allow Adam to place her in a safe house from the very beginning. Instead, she’d thrown caution to the wind and held on tightly to a scared four-year-old.
On the other hand, there was only one way Anna could have known about the secret passage. Emil didn’t tell her, so the only explanation was some freakin’ crazy supernatural thing Calista couldn’t see or understand. And then there was Anna’s warning: If you don’t protect Daddy, I’ll never see him again.
If Calista dared tell Adam what Anna whispered in her ear right before the plane took off, he would lock her up and throw away the key. Adam was a highly trained fighter. Calista had never seen anyone move like him. She, on the other hand, hid behind her grandfather for the last year and a half, too frightened to even live alone. How in the hell was she supposed to keep Adam safe and bring him back to Anna?
Adam turned, placed his hands in his pockets, and strolled toward the door. Once inside, he crossed the room and emptied his pockets into a small dish sitting on a bedside table. He removed his weapon from his shoulder harness, released the clip, and placed them in the top drawer.
Calista swallowed a lump in her throat. His methodical movements indicated she was watching a nightly ritual. Last week, her most involved thought regarding Adam Blake was to wonder casually where he went when he left the diner. Now, she was sharing a bedroom with him.
“You must be exhausted,” he said. His gaze settled on the bed. “I hope you don’t mind sharing a room. I haven’t furnished the other rooms yet. You’re welcome to the bed.”
“Where will you sleep?”
“I’ve been trained to sleep anywhere. I’ll be fine on the sofa.”
“The bed is huge, plenty of room for both of us.”
Her own words sounded strained to her ears as warmth flushed through her. She turned away from him and began to tidy up a few toiletries she’d used during her shower.
An arm came around her waist. She let out a breath she didn’t know she held and eased back against Adam, allowing his warmth and earthy scent to enfold her. Calista turned and placed her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. Before she could stop herself, she said, “I made this so much harder for you, Adam. I’m so sorry.”
He lowered his head and caressed her lips with his. “When I’m working something out in my head, I get quiet. I’m not angry you are here, Calista. Please believe that.” He gaze scanned the room. “I bought this place a couple months ago. It’s the prettiest beach I have seen anywhere. I just wish I could have brought you here under much different circumstances.”
“Will Ludis follow you here?”
Adam shook his head. “There is nothing that can connect me to this place. And before you ask, we were not followed.”
“Then why are you so tense?” she asked, running her hand over the back of his neck and shoulders.
His stare bore into her before he answered. “My uncle will give me the opportunity to locate the disk. While I’m here, he will search for a link that will bring me to him.”
Calista sucked in a quick breath. “The McNeils are all protected, right? You wouldn’t have left Anna with them if she weren’t safe. So what else can Ludis threaten you with?”
Adam released his hold on her and moved to close the French doors, setting the lock in place. With his back still to her he said, “You and your family, Calista.”
His ramrod straight posture sent Calista’s heart into her stomach as her pulse raced in her veins. “But he doesn’t know who I am.”
“I have men watching the diner and your grandfather’s home.” He glanced at his watch. “After a couple hours sleep, I’ll visit the unit where I stored away my parents' belongings.”
“And if you don’t have the disk?”
“We will cross that bridge when we get to it. You said my mother is speaking to my daughter. If that’s true, there has to be a way out of this.”
Calista searched his eyes. The longing in his expression touched a place deep inside her. She understood this wall. The need to shield Adam from what he faced overwhelmed her. Ludis couldn’t win. In the end, the good guys always came out on top, right?
“Just tell me what I can do for you,” she whispered.
“Don’t die. It will kill the last bit of humanity in me, Calista. I will turn into what I hate about Ludis.”
She crossed the room and allowed her fingers to caress the soft stubble down the side of his face to his jaw. “You have more humanity in your fingertip than most men have in their entire bodies. There is so much good in you, Adam. Why don’t you see it?”
“You don’t know me.”
Calista let out a noisy sigh. “I have witnessed in the last few hours what you believe is the real you. That’s bull crap.” She wadded a chunk of his shirt in her fist. “You did what you had to do to protect your daughter and yourself from Ludis, but that’s not who you are.”
Adam took her into his arms and pulled her against his chest. “Then who am I? What do you see in me? Why did you get back on the damn plane?”
Calista couldn’t form a thought, much less articulate what she wanted to say. Adam’s life was hell, and he allowed that hell to define him. He didn’t believe he deserved love.
“I got back on the plane to remind you that you had something to live for.” She moved her lips over his, drawing him so close that their bodies became one.
He didn’t just return the kiss, he consumed her. When her knees began to buckle, he lifted her so they were eye to eye. His other hand tangled in the hair at her neck.
God she needed him, all of him.
Adam drew Calista’s legs into his arms and laid her gently down on the bed, lowering himself next to her. Breaking the kiss, he studied her for several moments before he spoke.
“You play dirty, Calista Martin.”
“At the rectory, you were ready to hand over your life to take down Emil and Ludis. I didn’t know what to say to stop you because I’m totally out of my league.”
“That’s not what I … ”
“You practically signed your own death certificate. Since then, I have had time to muck it around in my brain. I can’t stop you from going after Ludis by yourself, but I can give you something to live for.”
“You can do so much better …”
She held her finger over his lips. He brought it into his mouth. She couldn’t keep the whimper from escaping her throat when he moved his mouth over her finger and sucked.
His cobalt eyes swept over her. “What do you want from me?”
“Tonight.”
He rose onto his elbow and his hungry stare gripped hold of her heart. Heat began to rise up her neck and into her cheeks.
“You are not some sacrificial piece of meat on a stick, Calista. If all you want is sex…”
Calista cut his tirade with another kiss. He dropped back onto the mattress, pulling her over him as he cradled her head in his hand. As always, the damn man took over, driving her into a sensual whirlpool. She forced herself to break the kiss and yanked back.
“Idiot! How can such an intelligent man be so stupid? I’m not bargaining with sex to keep you alive.” She balled her hand into a fist and punched him in the shoulder.
He grabbed her hand in his. “That hurt,” he hissed.
“Good. Next time you say something so damn asinine, I’ll break something hard over your stubborn, obstinate head.”
He let out a laugh and kissed her, hard. “Your eyes are damn beautiful when they are spitting fire.”
She sucked in a breath and tried to gain some control of her temper. He hadn’t seen anything yet. Just wait until he pissed her off enough that her blood boiled. She brushed her hair from her face and exhaled and studied him for several heartbeats before she said, “Why is it so wrong for me to care about you?
“You can do a lot better than me, Calista.”
She reached out to punch him again, but he caught her fist in his hands and brought it to his chest, kissing the knuckles.
“If you knew the things I have done―I will tarnish your life, turning it into the mess I live.”
“Are you talking about Rina?”
He nodded.
“Will you tell me about you and Rina?”
“Now? Here?”
Calista could only shrug. She expected Adam to move off the bed and slide the walls back in place, shutting her out. It surprised the hell out of her when he began to speak.
“My greatest sin with Rina is I loved her but never was in love with her. She was my friend, my partner in the field, saved my ass more times than I can count, and was the only person who knew all my shit and loved me anyway.”
Adam released Calista’s hands and eased off her. He turned onto his back, resting his head on the pillows. He didn’t say anything for a long time.
“And?”
Adam turned his head and held her gaze. “I broke her heart.”
That was it, nothing more, no explanation. Calista wanted to shove him, poke him, do something to make him start talking again. Waiting as long as she could stand, she said, “Please don’t stop there, Adam.”
He took in a noisy breath and exhaled. “Our new lives gave us a chance to start over, be new people. Rina wanted the whole picket fence, marriage, happily-ever-after.”
“You said you loved her. Why couldn’t that work? You, Rina, and Anna could have … ”
“Because it wasn’t what I wanted, Calista. I’m a selfish bastard, don’t you see? I loved Rina, loved Anna more than I ever knew a person could love another, but I wanted justice—revenge—more than love.”
“I don’t understand.”
“We had a chance to get out of the violent cycle, but I couldn’t let go. Emil and Ludis Vasnev were still out there, living high on the hog from the misery of so many.”
“But you no longer had the CIA behind you, nor any law enforcement agency to back you up. How could you …”
“Calista, it was what I had spent the last decade training to do. One man, without the confines of government bureaucracy, can be lethal on his own. I went after the Vasnevs with a vengeance.”
“And Rina?”
Adam shifted until his back was against the headboard. The stillness in the room made Calista want to fidget, but she remained calm. When he did finally speak, his voice filled the quiet space with raw grief.
“Rina loved me so much, she gave up her life to protect our child even though she knew I could never be the man she needed. Before Anna, I agreed to leave her alone, give her a chance to find the kind of love she deserved. But hours after Anna was born, I had to see my only child just once. Biggest mistake I ever made.”
“Adam, that wasn’t a mistake.”
“If I never went to that hospital nursery, I never would have known what I was missing. The first time I fell head-over-heels in love was with an infant that weighed all of seven pounds. Anna changed my world, changed my soul.” His pain filled eyes held hers. “If I had walked away and left them alone like I promised, Rina would be alive, probably married to a good man, raising her child in a wonderful, loving world free of people like Emil, Ludis … and me.”
He shut his eyes and Calista didn’t move. He believed every word he said, which tore her heart in two. He was trying to protect her from him.
A tear spilled down her cheek and she quickly swiped it away. She leaned over and placed a kiss at the spot she struck moments before. The next kiss landed on his neck and she worked her way up the side of his face.
“Don’t compare yourself with Ludis and Emil again. When I get pissed, I tend to strike out.” Balancing herself over him, she circled his neck. “Finding love is a blessing, Adam. Being able to love is why we are all here.”
“Calista, …”
“You were not ready to give Rina what she needed. If that is a sin, then you need to find a way to forgive yourself.” She swallowed a sob and continued. “You are one of the most amazing men I have ever known, but you see yourself as a beast.” She brushed a strand of hair from his forehead. “I will never be able to make you see the Adam Blake I know. That is someone you are going to have to meet and get to know on your own.”
Calista shut her eyes and tried to stop the tears. They never helped in the least. She had a decision to make. Could she accept only the part of Adam he was willing to share?
Opening her eyes, she met his hungry gaze, and took a crazy leap of faith. “I just want tonight. If there is no tomorrow for us, then I don’t want to look back and wish …”
Calista choked on her own words. No future with Adam hurt like hell. “You can send me anywhere you want in the morning. This time I promise to stay away.”
Chapter Eighteen
Temptation curled through Adam’s gut, driving heat in all the places that mattered. The world of his dreams slammed right into his reality.
Adam rolled Calista under him. She intertwined her legs with his.
“You see, we fit,” she said in a hushed tone.
Her sultry expression was one he had never seen before. Panic charged through him. She had no idea what she was doing to him.
Her body squirmed under him, sending a shock of need right to his core. Damn she was good. He should just take what he wanted for once.
And how he wanted his mouth on the perky breasts pressing against his chest. Hell, he wanted to taste every damn inch of her. Adam lowered his mouth and gently caressed her lips with his tongue. Her breath hitched.
“You really want this, Calista?”
“Yes, hell yes!”
The beast she called him earlier burst free and he covered her mouth with his. Calista’s taste and the wild, spicy scent from her bath sent him over the edge. When she circled her arms around his neck and wiggled her body against his, he shuddered and gave into the burning need.
He released her mouth and yanked his shirt over his head. He ached for the moment where skin met skin. As if reading his mind, Calista reached for the hem of her t-shirt.
“No, mine,” he ordered, and captured her hand above her head. His hands trembled as he moved the hem up over her breast. She wasn’t wearing a bra. Thank God! He had never seen anything so beautiful, soft, alluring. With a final tug, he pulled the t-shirt over her head and tossed it across the room.
Did he have a point of no return? It had never happened before, but with Calista anything was possible.
“Adam?”
His name came out in a breathless whisper. He closed his eyes and tried to control his beating pulse. “I want this, Calista. I want you. Damn it to hell, I don’t want to stop.”
“Who is asking you to?” Her hands spread over his shoulders to his pecs, then down to his waist. “Just this once, will you please stop trying to protect, and take what you want. I need you, Adam.”
She moved her hand down to the bulge in his pants. He arched his back as every muscle tensed. Adam flipped the button at the waist of his jeans and yanked down the zipper. He captured her mouth with his as he rolled them onto his side. One more yank and a kick, and his jeans hit the floor.
Calista broke the kiss and ducked her head, taking his left nipple into her mouth. She pushed him onto his back and kissed her way across his chest to the right nipple. The air in Adam’s lungs began to burn. Two could play this game.
Adam moved her hands behind his neck. He rose and took a soft, rose peak into his mouth as his hand moved to the waistband of her sweats. She had knotted the string on his old pair so they fit her narrow waist after her shower, but he had no problem finding his way beneath them.
