The Gin & Chowder Club, page 10
32
After Asa left, Noelle sat on the stone steps with tears streaming down her cheeks. What have I done? She sat in the warm sun and shook uncontrollably. Is it possible to love two people? Is it love that I feel for Asa, or does he fill some lost longing? It happened so quickly. It felt so right. Now that he’s gone, though, it just feels wrong—so very, very wrong. Over and over, the words echoed in her mind. Oh, God, what have I done? How will I face Nate? How will I make love with him? Surely he will know. Through a blur of tears and remorse, Noelle stared at the empty bird feeder and tried to justify her actions. A cardinal came to the feeder but, finding it empty, flew away. Slowly, Noelle tried to pull herself together. Nate must never know. Asa said that my secrets were safe with him, but that hadn’t included this. God, he is just a boy—a boy with his whole future ahead of him. What right have I to do this to him? She remembered the look in his eyes, the sweet longing. I do love him, but this must never happen again. I will explain it to him, he will have to understand.
Resolutely, Noelle stood and dried her eyes. She took the bird feeder down and filled it. She went into the house, made coffee, and went upstairs. She reached into the linen closet for a towel and glanced over at the white sheets strewn about the bed. Tears burned her eyes again, but she squeezed them back and got undressed. Seeing her reflection in the mirror, she hesitated. This is what he saw. She ran her fingers across her breasts. This is what he touched. She ran her fingers down . . . God, I still want him.
33
Asa let the water wash the soap away. The thought had crossed his mind to never shower again, but he knew that was impossible. He closed his eyes and pictured Noelle lying beside him. He remembered the way it looked to push himself deep inside her, and he ached to have her again. He thought about what it would be like to shower together. Maybe next time. Then he realized he didn’t even know when next time would be. He slipped his hand down and tried to remember every detail of the night before as he leaned back, the water beating over him. God, I want her so much. . . .
34
When Nate came home that afternoon, Noelle was on her hands and knees, washing the kitchen floor. She glanced up quickly and forced a smile.
“Don’t come in here. The floor’s wet.”
“I see that,” he said, leaning against the doorjamb. “When you’re done, though, you’re going to have to wash the sheets again.”
Noelle’s heart stopped. “Why’s that?” she asked without looking up.
“Because you must have filled the bird feeder before you hung them out to dry,” he said, laughing. “Now the birds have left you their calling card.”
Noelle’s heart started to beat again. “They didn’t!” She tried to sound annoyed. She had decided that the less she said, the better—at least until she felt reassured that Nate didn’t know something had happened. Deny it, she told herself. Stare it down. The shadows of guilt will make you crazy if you’re not strong. Always deny. This sickening nausea will pass—it must pass. Think of other things. She wrung out the rag and backed farther across the floor. She knew that she must act normally, but she didn’t know what normal was anymore, so she would just keep busy.
“We’re having steak if you want to start the charcoal,” she said without looking up.
“Sounds good. Hey, did Asa finish the window?”
“Yes,” she said, his name ringing through her. “It’s not painted, though.”
“Well, now that I’m off, I can finish painting it. He has done enough.”
Noelle didn’t answer.
35
After his shower, Asa packed his cooler, told Sarah he would definitely be home for supper, kissed Martha on the head, and headed for the coast guard station. It was his last day of work. He couldn’t believe how quickly the summer had flown by. At the beginning of their summer break, he and Isaac had agreed to take the last full week of August off to relax and just go to the beach. Now Asa regretted it; every remaining day was fleeting and too precious to spend with his brother.
All day, he thought of nothing else. He needed to talk to Noelle, to be alone with her, to arrange to meet somewhere—anywhere. Working under the hot sun, he began to think that maybe he had only dreamed the events of the night before. He needed reassurance, he needed to know she was okay, to hear her say that nothing had changed. His mind began to race with an endless stream of tragic scenarios. He pictured Noelle confessing to Nate and promising to never see him again; he pictured her eyes full of pain and anger, telling him it was all a mistake, telling him to never come back. Tears burned at Asa’s eyes, and he brushed them away. Why was he doing this to himself? None of that had happened. He shook his head and tried to think of something else.
Isaac and Samuel returned from Boston early in the afternoon, and by the time Asa got home, Isaac had made plans for the weekend. Asa tried to excuse himself, but Isaac would have none of it. Finally, Asa decided that maybe it would be good to get his mind off things.
Isaac had rounded up the usual crowd. The itinerary for that night included a game they had made up two summers earlier. It was called Shot Mini-golf, and the rules were simple: Any golfer in the party who did not make par on any given hole had to drink a shot—discreetly, of course. If a player chose to take a mulligan, they also had to drink a shot. Mulligans were popular with everyone, and usually by the eighteenth hole, no one ever made par. Finally, if someone managed to get a hole in one on the last hole, a new bottle was produced and they played again. In the history of the game, Isaac had managed two hole in ones on the eighteenth hole, and when they woke the following morning, no one forgave him. Asa survived this Friday night without drinking any extra shots. And he had a good time, even though Isaac called him a wet blanket. Asa didn’t care because, by the end of the workday, he remembered that he still needed to finish painting the window and had devised a plan to pick up a small can of paint and stop by the house. This plan gave him renewed hope, and he didn’t want to be hungover.
36
Noelle didn’t sleep well. She lay quietly next to Nate as hot tears trickled down the sides of her face and dripped onto the curve of her ears. She wiped them away, eased to her side, and tried not to wake him, fearing that he would reach for her, and she just couldn’t bear it—not yet. Finally, she pulled a robe around her, went downstairs, and sat in the darkness on the porch. She thought of Asa and wondered how he was managing. And she wondered again why she had let it happen. Finally, she dozed off and didn’t wake until the first rays peeked over the dunes. She made coffee and showered. When she came back down, Nate was scrambling eggs.
“We need eggs,” he said. “I used the last four.”
“Okay,” she answered. “I’ll add them to my list.”
“Seems like you just got eggs.”
“I had eggs a couple times this week, and I made a cobbler,” she replied, pouring two cups of coffee.
“I see that. I’m glad you left some for me,” he replied teasingly, eyeing the small piece that was left. “Hey, Sam mentioned that they’re combining the last Gin and Chowder with Asa’s birthday. Do you have any ideas of what we could get for him?”
Noelle’s heart skipped a beat. “I don’t know . . . I’ll have to think about it.”
Nate looked over her shoulder at the sports page. “Damn, I forgot the Sox had a twi-night doubleheader against Baltimore tonight. That would’ve been fun.” He scooped the eggs onto two plates, buttered the toast, and set the plates on the table. “Hope you’re hungry.”
37
Asa was up early. He had not gone running in days, and it felt good to run hard. The prospect of seeing Noelle that afternoon propelled him forward. On and on he ran. He noticed a woman sitting in front of the Fo’c’sle when he passed and wondered who she was. She smiled and waved, and Asa waved back. On his return, Asa looked up at Nauset Light and imagined how the bluff must have looked when the Three Sisters had stood guard.
After a shower, Asa wolfed down some of his father’s blueberry pancakes, grabbed his hat, said something about painting, and was out the door before either parent could ask a question. He stopped at the hardware store, apprehensive about what lay ahead, anxious for the inevitable first moment to be over. After making his purchase, he got back in the truck, glanced at the quart of paint, and, without knowing why, took his hat off and dropped it on top of the can.
Nate was just getting ready to run some errands when he heard Asa’s footsteps. He pushed open the screen door.
“Well, look who’s here,” Nate said, smiling and holding the door open with one hand while reaching out to shake Asa’s hand with the other. Asa still had a bandage on his palm, and he winced slightly at Nate’s firm handshake. “We were just talking about you.”
“You were?” Asa asked with alarm.
Just then, Noelle appeared in the doorway and smiled warmly. “Yes, we were. We’ve been trying to figure out how much to pay you for all the work you’ve done.”
“Oh, well, I’ve been thinking. . . . You really don’t need to pay me—”
“Nonsense!” Nate interrupted. “You’ve earned it. And besides, what would your father say if I didn’t pay you? All he talks about now is managing those two tuitions. Asa, did you happen to keep track of your time?”
“Well, I think it was about thirty-five hours in all, but I was hoping to finish painting the window today.”
“Fine . . . fine . . . thirty-five, and don’t worry about the window. I’m taking a few days off now, so I can finish it up. In fact, I was just heading out to get the paint.”
Asa stood there, his mind racing. The only words he heard were heading out. He glanced at Noelle. She was leaning against the door frame with her arms folded. She was barefoot and had on a sleeveless turquoise blouse, unbuttoned at the neck, and a white skirt. She felt his eyes undressing her and looked away.
Asa thought about the can of paint in the truck and started to speak. “I already have . . . I mean . . . I already planned on finishing the window today—that is, if you’d like,” he stammered.
“Well, if your heart is set on it,” Nate said. He looked at Noelle questioningly. “So, the bank, eggs, and the hardware store?”
“You don’t have to get eggs. I have a few other things to pick up later.”
“Well, what are they? I can get them.”
Noelle went into the kitchen to get her list. Asa stood, watching and silently calculating the length of time Nate would be gone.
Nate took the list and looked at it. “Well, my dear,” he sighed, “if Asa wants to paint, maybe I should just go to the bank and the hardware store. I don’t want to tie up his whole day.”
Asa’s heart sank as he cut the calculated time in half and wondered why he had insisted on painting.
Nate felt for his wallet, pushed open the screen door, eyed Asa, and said, “That last piece of peach cobbler is mine.”
Asa nodded.
38
They listened to the tires on the driveway, and Asa turned to Noelle.
“I’ve missed you,” he said quietly, pulling her toward him.
“I’ve missed you too.” She felt his arms around her and began to lose her resolve. He brushed his lips against her cheek, slowly making his way down the curve of her neck before searching out the soft lips he remembered so well. She closed her eyes and let him. “Oh, God, if you only knew how much I want you,” she murmured.
“Well, how quick can you be?” he teased, sliding his hands under her skirt and pressing himself against her.
Noelle felt how aroused he was already and knew she was losing control. I cannot let this happen again! Finally, she put her hands on his chest and pushed him gently away.
“Asa, I can’t do this.” She stepped back, still holding his hands. “I can’t do this to Nate—and I can’t do it to you. I am so very sorry to have initiated it. I don’t know what else to do. You know I love Nate.” She reached up and put her hand on his cheek. “And, Asa, I love you too,” she whispered. She looked into Asa’s sweet summer eyes, which were full of sorrow, and her eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry.”
Asa’s eyes stung, and he squeezed them shut. He pulled his hands out from hers and wiped his eyes with his palms. He turned away to look out at the ocean. He couldn’t look at her, the pain and confusion were unbearable. His joy was plummeting, his hope and desire were crushed by despair and jealousy.
Noelle stood beside him and put her hand on his shoulder. “Asa, I will never forget the amazing night we had—it meant so much to me.” She paused. “Listen, someday you will meet some lucky girl, and she will mean the world to you, and you will forget all about me.” Asa’s shoulders sagged as the tears he could no longer control spilled down his cheeks.
Finally, he turned to Noelle. “I won’t feel this way again,” he said quietly. “And I will never forget about you. Don’t you see? You are the only one I will ever want—the only one I will ever love, like this.”
Noelle could not bear to look into the eyes of this boy whose heart she was breaking. She looked at the tears on his cheeks and gently wiped them away. He closed his eyes and felt the loveliness of her fingers on his face.
“What will become of us?” she murmured. She lightly traced his lips, and Asa opened his mouth to taste her touch.
Outside in the morning sun, the songbirds fluttered back and forth between the bird feeder and the brush that lined their small sanctuary. The finches scolded each other and dropped more seeds than they ate. The juncos were thankful for the finches’ bad manners, and the chickadees called cheerfully to each other. Presiding over the entire troupe, Mr. Cardinal perched high up in the oak tree and sang a song of contentment.
39
There was a line at the hardware store that busy Saturday morning. It seemed as if everyone was planning to finish up their summerhouse projects that weekend. Nate waited patiently in line, chatting with a neighbor.
“Hey, Nate, what can I get you?” Jack, the owner, asked.
“I need a quart of that antique red we use, and I’d like to square up my bill.”
Jack nodded and went to mix the can of paint. He came back with the can and the list of charges made that summer. “Did you already go through the other can?” he asked.
Nate looked puzzled. “What other can?”
“Sam Coleman’s boy was in here this morning, picked up a can and charged it to your account. Hasn’t he been doing some work for you?”
“That’s funny . . . I just saw him, and he didn’t mention it.” Nate shrugged. “Guess he forgot. Anyway, he’s done a fine job if you’re ever looking for someone to do some work.”
“I’ll keep him in mind.”
Nate paid his bill and headed out the door.
40
Asa and Noelle did not hear Nate’s car pull up. They did not hear the door slam shut. The only warning they had was the sudden, startling sound of wings as the mourning doves and songbirds flew to safety.
When Nate came in, Asa was at the sink filling a glass with water and Noelle had rushed up the stairs. Asa’s heart was pounding, and his cheeks were flushed.
Nate glanced at the peach cobbler and nodded. “Guess I better eat that pretty soon,” he commented with a grin. He handed Asa the can of paint and a new brush. “By the way, did you happen to buy paint this morning?”
Asa felt like he had been caught red-handed. “Oh, I did . . . I completely forgot. I’m sorry . . . I’ll give you the money for it.”
“Don’t be silly. It’s always good to have some around for touch-ups.”
“All right . . . I’m sorry about that.” Asa grinned sheepishly, amazed that he was capable of so many lies.
He took the paint and brush upstairs and knocked gently on the bedroom door. He listened, but Noelle didn’t answer, so he slowly pushed the door open. “Noelle, may I come in?”
She was standing by the window, looking out at the ocean. The screen door downstairs banged shut.
She turned to him. “Asa, this is crazy,” she said in a hushed voice. “Do you realize what almost happened? If Nate ever finds out, he will be devastated. You must promise me you will never say anything—to anyone.”
Through the end window, Asa could see Nate out by the pool. He looked steadily at Noelle. “I promise . . .” Then he half smiled. “It was fun, though.” He pulled his shirt over his head, let it drop to the floor, and knew she was looking at him. He turned to take the screen out of the window. “Do you know where that drop cloth ended up?” When he turned back to her, she was holding it in her hands. He took it from her, threw it over to the window, reached for her hand, and pulled her on top of him onto the bed. She laughed. “You are crazy, you know—and completely unsatisfiable!”
He rolled her over so that he lay on top, and then he kissed her. “I don’t think that’s a word, miss,” he teased.
“It’s Mrs. to you,” she said, “and it is a word.”
“Ouch, that hurts.” Asa rolled off, holding his chest, feigning pain.
41
When Asa finished painting, he came down to the kitchen to clean the brush. Nate was sitting on the porch, intermittently dozing and looking at the sports page. “Sox play a doubleheader tonight,” he said.
“I know,” Asa replied. “Wish I had tickets.”
Nate stood up and took out his wallet. He pulled out several bills and handed them to Asa.
Asa looked at the money. “This is too much.”
“Nonsense. You did a great job, and I appreciate it—and I think Noelle enjoyed having you around.” He smiled and added, “Besides, all college boys need extra spending money.”
