Bonding Nameless (Bonding - The Ultimate Guide Book 6), page 28
“The subject is obviously interdimensional,” one of the scientists says to another scientist. That sounds like the start of a joke but you know it wouldn’t be a funny one. These guys are lame.
“Armored skin,” the second one says with wonder. I know, I know, I’m a gift. Suck the drool back in, I’m not interested.
“We haven’t been able to find anything to penetrate it.” That is, in fact, what she said. I was there, I’m a witness.
They continue to blah, blah, blah on and I tune them out. It’s my superpower.
I’m in some kind of glass bubble thing that has air conditioning from above. It isn’t hot in here, even though they took all my clothes, and they have the thing on full blast. I’m so glad I don’t pay their electric bill. Such a waste.
“Freezing him doesn’t seem to be having an effect either.”
Because I’m not a popsicle, no matter how delicious I look. I would think that was obvious but Humans, am I right? If I don’t have a label I’m a scary unknown. How backwards can this dimension be? The answer: YREV.
The air suddenly cuts off and I smirk at their frustrated expressions.
Speaking of frustrated… where is my wifey? I lost track of her when I faked being passed out from the gas. I might have snuck in a nap but I don’t have to admit it out loud. You didn’t read that part, it’s cool. No one will ever know.
While I was *not napping cough cough* they took my clothes, my bestie with Ben bracelet, and probably my virginity. I don’t really miss two of those things, but that was my damn bracelet and I am going to get it back! Oh yeah, and my jacket. A grenade would liven this party up dramatically. Maybe a bazooka. That’s such a fun word. And a fun toy. Just fun all the way around. What was I thinking about?
Wifey!
Where is she? This is the worst form of running from the altar I’ve ever heard of. How dare she not be here giving me kisses and telling me how awesome I am for finding this stupid lab. And all the other labs I’ve blown up for her. I’m feeling very unloved here. This surprise is starting to suck. That shouldn’t be possible, I planned it after all.
“Hey, guys? Where’s sugartits?” I call out. I don’t know why I’m bothering; these idiots probably don’t know where they are. Like, hello, this is an evil lab people. You shouldn’t be here.
They both stare at me with their mouths open. Oops, I forgot I was pretending to be a dumb man-animal. Damn it, secret fun time ruined.
“The male knows English,” one mutters to the other.
“If you don’t know the answer just say so. Stop pretending to be smart out there, you’re not fooling anyone.” If they don’t answer me in the next five days I’m going to lose my temper.
They duck their heads together, speaking in excited tones and I feel my happy slipping. Nope, gotta grab that with both hands, I’m not losing it again. This is a fun surprise; I just need to find my wifey and bask in her adoration.
“Hello? I know you don’t have any, but common-sense dictates that you’re being rude as fuck out there! Stop. Ignoring. Me.”
No, no, happy. You stay right where you are, I’m watching you.
“We don’t know who you’re talking about.”
I spin to face a third person with surprise. “Wow. When did you get here? I wasn’t napping, you’re napping. And I don’t blame you because I would too if I was as bored as I am right now. Anyway, I’m talking about my wifey. Where is she?”
“Are you talking about the mender?” Scientist the second says with a doubtful tone.
“If that’s what you want to call her but I’m choosing sugartits or wifey or Bae or Bea but only if I’m super salty about something. Inside joke. You’ll never know. It’s so far inside it’s in my brain. Good luck getting through that mess. I haven’t cleaned in there. Ever. Enjoy. Is anybody hungry? I could go for some nachos.”
More staring.
“My treat?”
Nothing.
“Tough crowd.”
“Your… wifey… is in a different part of the facility,” Scientist uno says in a babyish voice. The kind you use to comfort dogs. And what’s with the long pauses? Am I a glittery vampire? Stop it. I’m not a puppy or a stripper vamp.
YOU STAY RIGHT THERE HAPPY!
“Stop talking. You’re making my happy try to hide,” I wave them away and begin to pace.
Is this place a maze? It has to be if they can’t give me a hotel room number to find her. Where’s the concierge? Obviously room service is too big of an ask. It’s like they don’t want me to be comfortable or something.
“Your happy?” The second asks with a raised brow and a pointed look at my penis.
“Hey! That’s my wifey’s, back off perv!” I’ve never been embarrassed by my own nudity before. This weirdo has managed to make the impossible possible. Creepy.
I flip my hair back and sneer at her, “I want to speak to your manager, young lady. This is highly inappropriate.”
“He’s insane.” Good observation number drei.
These people are so damn dumb! How do they function?
“If you won’t tell me where she is, I’ll have to find her myself,” I warn in a sing-song voice.
“Do you understand what’s happening here?” I don’t care who says in a wondering tone.
“Yeah. The worst treatment I’ve ever received in a hotel before. Zero stars people,” I clap my hands for emphasis and scowl as they gather together to watch me pace.
“Should we… tell him?”
“No. Let him stay in his delusion.”
“This isn’t a delusion,” I lean forward to stare the Human in the eye. “There’s no grandeur here, at all. Manager, people. Bring him or her now.”
“Let’s take a break,” Dos says.
“Yeah, let’s,” I agree. “Toss me a cigarette that I won’t smoke and we’ll all think about what we’re trying to accomplish here. Fifteen minutes and then your butts better be back and ready to work.”
They leave without answering. I bet they’re going to be gone for longer than fifteen minutes. No one wants to work anymore, what the fuck? Where’s the respect for their boss? Whatever. Humans gonna’ Hume I guess.
I lay back in the middle of my uncomfortable bubble and think about what I’m trying to accomplish. Unlike some people, I want solutions.
I hum a little tune and watch my tail sway, totally done with the day. Should I nap again? Not that I did before, mind you. This is all hypothetical. Shut up.
My chest starts to get that gentle tug that says my wifey is calling and I sigh. For once can’t she just come to me? It’s like when your mom calls you after you sit down to play a video game. Inconvenient and annoying but if you don’t answer your ass is in a sling.
The gentleness fades abruptly and begins to shred and tear desperately.
“The fuck wifey? Calm your tits!”
Ouch.
Damn it, I have to get up.
Before I can put the plan to stand in motion something hits me, right in my left pec, and begins to burn. It’s like acid and salt with lemon mixed up. Ew. I glance down but nothing is there and I frown.
Do I have ringworm? This isn’t right. Nothing inside me should be on fire.
Wait. Am I finally experiencing spontaneous combustion? YES!
The pain passes and I get an emotional cocktail of peace and serenity that doesn’t belong there. I’m too lazy to swat it away. Like that one annoying fly, it buzzes around inside me and then sinks in hooks.
That’s not right, is it? I didn’t know glowing fireballs could use grappling hooks. Good for them, stepping up on the genetic ladder!
My head smacks into the ground as a train hauling fear filled TNT hits me. My body locks in place with the feeling, eyes wide as they jerk to find whatever horrifying monster has come to tickle me. My only weakness. The vile bastards found a tickle monster. Fifteen-minute break my ass. Diabolical!
There’s nothing around me but the fear is edging into hysteria. I don’t do hysteria. At all.
Wifey does hysteria. Quietly in her sleep like all good people, but still.
Is this… Bae?
Damn it! I’m doing dramatic pauses too! Will this torture never end?
The feeling blanks out into a numb calm that’s highly suspicious. Hmmm. What makes sugartits check out mentally?
Picturing my perfect penis for one, but that’s a happy checkout so this isn’t that. And torture instruments. Scientists?
Uh-oh.
Did I mess up?
Turning someone into a popsicle? Boring. And considered torture. Lasers trying to cut through the skin? Ticklish and torture. Shit. I forgot my wifey is fragile!
Why are there so many rules to marriage? No one told me the ‘Do not put your wifey into a situation where she could get tortured’ rule!
I let out a frustrated snarl.
“Bye-bye, happy. Catch up later, ok?”
I’m just getting to my feet when the three idiots come back. My lips tilt up in a motion that expresses an emotion I don’t feel right now.
“Oh good, you’re back. I’ve come up with a few solutions to our problems. Let me know what you think. Solution one is termination.”
They stare blankly at me and inside I sigh. My humor is wasted on this planet.
I cut through the glass and hop out while they scramble to hit a button that sounds an annoying alarm.
“Whatever.” My tail slices them in half lazily and they slide apart in a weird effect that’s kind of fascinating. They even lined up for it. That’s dedication to a job, people. They finally got their act together for their final moments.
That alarm though. It’s worse than the doggo’s pathetic attempts at caterwauling. That’s gotta stop.
I dig my claws into the stupid button and yank a lot of wires out with it. The door has a spasm or an orgasm as it glitches open and shut repeatedly. Not gonna lie, that shit’s funny even though I can’t laugh.
It stops in a halfway position and the alarm cuts. Nice. That door was an asshole, screaming like that.
I wander the room and find my jacket and panties but I’m not feeling it. I grab a pair of my old leather pants and loin cloth cover with a pout. I might as well go all out and look fancy when I save my wifey from the tickle monster. I swear if she doesn’t cry tears of joy for once I might kill her.
Relax people, she’ll come back. Don’t be drama queens/Kings.
Ugh, I hate that guy.
Anyway.
I walk down the hall that has several more doors and eenie meenie my way through which one to open first.
I dramatically slash my way in and gasp at what I see.
The breath comes out in a disappointed raspberry.
Not my wifey, a stupid cat.
Man, that’s ugly. It fell a long distance down the ugly tree and bounced like a pinball to hit every single branch. Some of them twice. Ew.
I digress.
“Have you seen my wifey?”
Zephyr: “No. Excuse me, I’m needed elsewhere.”
“Oh, my bad,” I step aside as the tiny cat passes me, tail swishing with ease.
That’s the most polite blue waffle I’ve ever met.
Don’t look that up. Seriously. Your eyes will burn out. Don’t do it.
The next cell is empty. Sad day.
But the next one!
Is empty too.
Man, these people are slackers! This hotel should be filled to the brim with prisoners! There’s plenty of crazy shit out there to collect, jeez. They’re so picky in this dimension.
I’m at the last one with no excitement left.
I haphazardly slice the door away and there’s a kid in here.
A kid.
He looks Human. And a Derek. Sixteen. Dressed weirdly. Standing as if he was waiting for me. Was I talking out loud again? How did he hear me coming?
Oh yeah, all the screeching metal must have alerted him.
So much for sneaking around.
“Hi,” he says with a smile, his cute white hair in crazy disarray and bright blue eyes off to the side of me. I slide into his viewpoint out of politeness. I’m a polite cat too. That ugly one is my new spirit animal. I was tired of being a sneaky snake anyway.
“What’s up, little buddy? Have you seen my wifey?”
The kid gives a faint huff of laughter and says, “Sorry. No.”
“Damn it. It’s like you people are blind or something.”
“I am blind.”
“Oh. Oops.”
“Would you mind finding my walking stick?” He tilts his head and his eyes drift in a weird fashion like he’s picturing it in his head.
“Sure new bestie. Tripping sucks and floors are assholes. I’ve got you.”
I wander around for a minute and then remember what I was doing. I go back to the Derek kid.
“Hey, have you seen my wifey?”
“Hey, have you seen my walking stick?”
Rude little kid.
“I’m Derek.”
“I know. I’m the Keeper of true names.”
“You’re looking for my walking stick.”
“I am?”
“Yup. You’re doing great.” He sounds more frustrated than happy about this. Rude.
He emerges from his cell, hands extended to pat everything down.
“Those are called waaaaalllllssss,” I tell him with a nod. At least one of us is supportive in this friendship.
“I need my stiiiiiiick,” he replies dryly.
“Oh shit, you’re blind aren’t you? Hang on.”
He lets out a soft sigh and stands patiently as I look.
“Tada!” I swing it around for a second. Before it hits him his hand snaps up and grips it. It doesn’t move between us.
“You’re a strong kid. You drank your milk.”
“Thanks. Is there an exit? I think I’m supposed to be upstairs somewhere to fulfill my mission and I don’t want to be late.”
“Oh yeah, it’s over there,” I wave to the stairs and give him a bow. “Good luck on your mission, kid. I’ve gotta find my wifey.”
“Thanks so much,” he says flatly as I walk away.
15. Oh, the Humanity
Michael Gutierrez
AKA
Mikey
I’m going to die.
The armored guys toss me into what looks like an empty sci-fi chamber. One of them steps on my untied shoelace and I pitch to the floor, tearing it free from my shiny dress shoes.
I turn quickly and barely hear them clomping away in their clunky boots. A small viewing window is just tall enough for me to stand on my tiptoes and peer out. There’s another window right across from me and a chill runs down my spine.
I’m going to die.
“Hello?” I call out shakily. “Can I get out of here?”
Silence greets me and sweat begins to pour from my armpits.
“I’m a stupid Human and completely not worth the cost of a bullet! I’ve been reading books on this side of the divide for fun. Totally innocent.”
No one comes rushing back to set me free and say they’re sorry.
I’m going to die.
“It’s time,” a strident voice comes from somewhere outside the room and I blink in confusion.
“Yeah, time to let me out of here,” I supply hopefully.
“This is the Human we’ve been waiting for?” An enraged voice calls loudly.
“What’s your name?” A weak feminine voice asks and silence ensues.
“Uh, me?” I point to my chest and shake my head at the useless gesture. “I’m Mike. Who are you?”
“I’m Lynn. I’m a mage-”
“Are you Lynn Singleton?” I scream out in excitement as adrenaline pumps through me for the eightieth time today. “Shit! We found you! Yes!”
My celebration dance can’t be seen by any of them so I let loose with it.
“You realize you’re in a feckin’ cell, right?” Another voice asks in a wry tone.
“You’re the berserker!” The excitement multiplies until I’m shaking like a leaf. “You’re Wilson Blake!”
“Feck me, he’s an idiot.”
“Who else is with you?” A sly voice asks. The sound starts feminine and ends masculine. After listening to Ben, the weirdness of it doesn’t even faze me.
“Bea and Kimi. We were separated. He betrayed us and got us caught so maybe I’m not with him anymore? But he did get us to you guys. This is confusing.”
“Who gives a fuck, free us, Human!”
“What?” I gape at the angry voices outside that become a cacophony I can hardly understand.
“Shut up!” A hollow voice echoes, giving me a sense of dread that rivals Ben and there’s silence again. “We need to get out of here now, Human.”
“Mike,” I mutter uselessly. No one uses my name anymore. Except Bea. She’s nice for a crazy chick.
“You’re who I’ve been waiting for,” the original voice says. “Now that you’re here our escape is at hand.”
“You sound really familiar,” I frown as I try to place the voice.
“You listened to it for four semesters, Mike.”
“Professor Matthews?! Man, you disappeared before I could say your service for everything. How have you been?” I slap my forehead at the idiotic question right after it comes out. “Never mind. Let’s pretend I didn’t ask that.”
“Yes. Let’s.” The hollow voice says, somehow sounding deadpan instead of just ghostly.
“You’re the key to this Mike. Look around you and see if there’s something you can use to get out,” my old professor says in a strained but calm tone.
“The cells are empty, you moron,” a bitter female voice snaps.
“Did they search you? Do you have anything in your pockets?” Professor Matthews persists.
