Unwanted Stars, page 23
"I know."
"No, you don't, sweetheart. After she found you in Spain, she came here until the wedding. She did nothing but sit on that couch and stare out the window...hoping you'd show up. When we packed up to leave for Chicago, she sobbed for hours. She thought she'd lost you forever. And all I could do was watch my baby die inside, knowing I caused it. Knowing it was all because of me and my big ideas."
"I had no idea."
"Listen, it's not your fault. None of it. I just needed you to know just how much your mother loves you. She'd do absolutely anything for you. Believe it or not, she kept that secret for your happiness."
"And her own. She admitted it was selfish."
"The point is, it was a decision made out of love and nothing else. Just her love for you. All of us love you so much, Audey." Nan never used that nickname. Hearing her say it made me fall apart. Tears poured from my eyes and I collapsed into her arms. She held me tight, stroking my back and running her fingers through my hair.
"Shhhh, I'm so sorry, my darling. So, so sorry."
"I know," I managed to say through my sobs. "I know."
"Can you ever forgive me? Forgive us?"
"I already have," I said.
"You have?"
"Yeah. I didn't realize I had until you asked. But now I'm certain. I forgive you. I forgive Mom and Dad,too."
"And Tabitha? What about her?"
"Jury's still out, unfortunately. She, um, seems to regret ever telling me."
"What do you mean?" Nan asked, pulling away and looking into my eyes.
"I tried to see her. Today, in fact. She wanted nothing to do with me. Told me to meet her outside, then left me out there looking like an idiot."
"Ugh," Nan said, exasperated. "She's just...she's one of those people that can't look past themselves. She couldn't do it at fifteen and she can't do it at thirty-nine. She's just...she's a lost soul, I'm afraid."
"That sucks. I was starting to let her in a little."
"How could you not? You'll forever be linked to her. But that doesn't mean you have to allow her in your life."
"Why, though? Why'd she even bother?"
"She's the only one who can answer that, darling."
"I know," I said. "So I may never get my answer."
"I'm afraid that's probably true, but you have a family filled with love. People who love you more than life itself."
"I know. That helps."
"And a pretty hot-looking man by your side."
"Nan," I said, my cheeks turning red.
"What?" she asked. "I speak the truth." She took a sip of her tea, a smug look on her petite face.
"Yes," I said, "yes you do."
I woke up to a whisper in my ear. It was terribly off key, but sweet.
"You say it's your birthday," Campbell sang, getting louder as I stirred beneath him. He was totally butchering the Beatles birthday song, and I loved every single syllable of the private performance. Every single note that he hit just wrong. It was the best wake-up ever.
"Happy Birthday, my love," he said, kissing me on the nose. "How does it feel to be the big two-four?"
"A lot like the big two-three, unfortunately," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Impossible," he said, before sucking on my ear. "You didn't know me a year ago." Goose bumps rose along my arms. It didn't matter how many times a day Campbell touched me, each time made me giddy. I'd never grow tired of the way this man made me feel.
"Good point. Okay, so it feels...peaceful."
"That's a good word," he said, cautiously sarcastic.
"It is! Last year, I was unsettled, looking for an adventure, an escape."
"Did you find it?"
"Of course I did. Just different than the one I expected. I thought traveling the world on a bus would be the adventure of a lifetime. But it's you. You're my adventure."
He leaned up on an elbow and gazed into my eyes. "That has to be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."
"Don't get all mushy. I hate when you're all mushy."
"You love it," he said, tickling my side and growling into my neck.
"You know what that growl does to me. Don't start something you won't finish."
"Who says I won't finish it? Our plans don't start until later, Miss."
"Well then, I'm all yours," I purred, hooking my fingers into his boxer shorts, tugging just enough to release him. He groaned and ripped the camisole from my body.
"I'll never get enough of you," he murmured into my skin as he licked and stroked at my breasts.
"Tell me more," I whispered, feeling a familiar stir within myself. That extraordinary craving that left me wanting, left me stirring, left me completely his. I was craving him.
"Being inside you...it's my favorite place to be.”
"Seriously, you're going to bust out the nerd shit in the bedroom?"
"What? I thought that was sexy."
"Not even close. Try again."
He pushed my hair away from my eyes. "You're a piece of work, you know that?"
"That's why you love me."
"True."
"So...you were saying?" I said, caressing his bare shoulders with the tips of my fingernails. He shuddered beneath my touch before locking eyes with me.
"You're the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on. When I see you, when I feel you, I'm content. The happiest I've ever been."
"Wow," I said, running my fingers through his dark hair. "You always know just what to say, don't you?"
"I'm just being honest."
"Honesty is good." I pulled him down to me and kissed him, inviting him to deepen the kiss instantly. His mouth took mine as his hands massaged and pressed into my nipples. I felt them tighten beneath his touch, sending shocks of pleasure right down to my center.
"Fuck me, Campbell. Right fucking now," I groaned as his lips moved to my chin, to my neck and back to my ear.
He laughed and reached for a condom, the drawer to the nightstand still ajar from last night's activities. He passed it to me and I ripped it open, easing it onto him as he moaned. His hands stroked my inner thighs as he pushed them apart and placed my ankles over his shoulders, sinking into me deeply. It stung at first, but within seconds, my body responded just as it always did. My arousal built with each thrust, with each twist and turn of his body and mine.
Campbell sank into me with each stroke, his finger pressed to my most sensitive spot, pulling me closer and closer to orgasm. I felt like I might split in two if I didn't get there within seconds.
"Come for me, minx," he growled, sending me completely over the edge. I bucked beneath him as I found my release. He followed close behind me, sinking into me and biting the skin of my shoulder.
We drifted back to sleep, still connected to one another. My dreams consisted of Campbell, Campbell, and more Campbell. And I realized right before falling asleep that I was happy. One hundred percent happy. No longer restless, no longer unsettled. I was content, I was peaceful, and I was truly in love.
I woke to Campbell cursing.
"Shiiiiiit," he said, hopping out of bed.
"What is it?"
"We slept too late."
Knock, knock, knock.
"Is someone at the door?" I asked, glancing at the clock. "We slept until eleven?"
"Yeah, someone's here. It was supposed to be a surprise."
"What is it? What are you talking about?" I asked, climbing out of bed and throwing my hair up in a messy bun. Campbell slipped my terrycloth robe on my body and patted me on the butt.
"Keep an open mind, all right?"
"Uh oh. You didn't hire one of those creepy ass singing telegrams, did you? Like a giant ape playing an accordion or something?"
"No, nothing like that. Just...you'll see. Hurry before she thinks we're not here."
"She? If you called Tabitha, so help me God," I said, my hands on my hips.
"It's not Tabitha. I promise. Just...answer the door, my love."
"Okay." I placed a quick peck on his cheek and ran to the door. Flinging it open, I stood with my mouth agape. In front of me, wrapped in a peacoat and scarf, stood Maya. The absolute last person I ever expected to see on my birthday.
"Maya, what-what are you doing here?"
"Surprise," she said, lifting her arms slightly in the air before reaching back down to the handle of her luggage.
"Come in, come in," I said, gesturing her into the apartment. "We, um, just woke up," I said, looking down at my robe.
"It's all right. I just came from the airport."
"Are you thirsty?" I asked, walking to the kitchen.
"Coffee would be amazing. They didn't offer it on the flight, the bastards." She gave me a forced smile.
"I can't believe you're here," I said, offering her a box of Keurig K-cups to choose from. She handed me the hazelnut and I popped it into the coffee maker, preparing the water and mug. As it brewed, I stood leaning against the counter. "Are you going to tell me why you're here?"
"Go easy on me, sis. I'm here with my tail between my legs."
"I don't understand."
"I've been horrible to you for twenty-four years. It's time I explain myself."
"Wow, all right.”
"But, I need my coffee first." She laughed.
"Of course. Anything else? Muffin? Banana?"
"Banana would be great."
I passed her the fruit, a small plate, and a napkin. Sliding a jar of peanut butter and a spoon to her, she smiled with appreciation. Maya never ate a banana without a side of peanut butter.
"You know me so well," she said.
"Sometimes."
I placed the coffee in front of her. She blew on it, took a sip, and let out a deep breath.
"When I was eight years old," she began, "Mom and Dad sat me down and told me I was going to have a little sister. I was really confused because Mom didn't have the same bump in her belly that she had with Jase. She looked perfectly normal, yet they said they'd be going to meet you in just a few weeks. It was too much for my little brain to process."
"So you've always known."
"Yeah, I mean, I was eight. They had to tell me. They knew Jason would never remember. But me? Of course I would."
"Did they make you keep it a secret?"
"They didn't make me, but I understood. I was told you were my sister in no uncertain terms. When we left Tabitha's apartment for the last time—I think you were like four—dad turned to me and said, 'that girl no longer exists. Do you understand?' And I did. He expected me to never say her name. Never again."
"Wow. That must've been weird."
"Well, yeah, I mean I was carrying around this incredible secret. It was like a weight around my little neck. And I hated you for it."
"Makes sense. Kinda."
"Of course, I knew it wasn't your fault, per se. But, I still blamed you. I needed Mom and Dad. I craved their attention, their love, so I couldn't blame them. And Jason was clueless—"
"So was I, though.”
"I know, but...I was a kid."
"We're not kids anymore, Maya. You're thirty-two and you still act like you hate me. You barely spoke two words to me at Jason's wedding."
"I know," she said, rubbing her forehead with her hand. "And I'm so sorry. I was ashamed. I'd been so awful to you for twenty years. It's all I knew. It's all we had. You were the little sister I resented, and I was the big sister you hated in return. It was just our thing, I guess."
"I never hated you. I just didn't understand you. I didn't know why you kept me at arm's length. Why you resented me so much."
"I'm not proud of myself, Auden. Not at all. But I want to try. I want to try to be your big sister, if you'll let me."
"Of course I'll let you. I mean, it might be weird at first," I said, smiling.
"Tell me about it," she said, taking a bite of peanut butter coated banana. "Right now, all I want to do is give you shit about answering the door like that. But I'm holding back."
"Don't hold back. Right now, I'm wondering what possessed you to wear that scarf with that coat."
We laughed. Genuine laughter—probably one of the first times we'd ever shared such a natural exchange. It was different—brand new, but I liked it. I liked it a lot.
"So, Campbell was behind this, eh?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.
"He's a keeper, that one," she said as she nodded. "He called me after the wedding. Tore me a new one for being such an asshole. But, he was right. One hundred percent. And I couldn't deny it anymore."
"Wow, seriously?"
"He really loves you. Hang on to him."
"I plan on it." I smiled. "So, you two plotted this?"
"Yeah, I left Riley with Mom and Dad. They were thrilled, although I think Mom secretly wanted to hide in my suitcase."
"I believe it," I said. "Listen, I'm going to take a quick shower, then let's grab some lunch. How does that sound?"
"I'd like that," she said with a decisive nod.
"Great. Make yourself at home. I'll be ready in a few."
"Hours," she said with a snicker.
"You really are an asshole, you know that?"
"I know, I know."
"No, it's okay."
I stopped at the doorway and turned back. "We're a lot alike, aren't we?"
"Probably," she said with a smile. "Probably."
Maya and I were finishing up lunch at the cafe down the block when my phone rang. Normally I wouldn't answer it when out with my sister who flew across the world to see me, but come on, it was my birthday. I wasn't going to ignore birthday greetings.
"It's Nan," I said reaching for my phone. "Hey, Nan."
"Darling, I'm-I'm so sorry." Her voice was beyond melancholy. Guilt surrounded by apprehension. "I'm sorry to call you on your birthday."
"You're apologizing for wishing me a happy birthday?"
Maya raised an eyebrow as she took a sip of her Coke.
"Well, no, I mean, yes, I want to do that. But also...um, Tabitha's here. She's a bit of a mess, I'm afraid."
"What do you mean?"
"She hasn't said much since she got here. She's spent most of her time crying. All she keeps saying is, 'I lost her. I lost her all over again.' And I know she's talking about you, darling. It's your birthday...this day changed her life forever."
"Okay, but Nan, I-I don't know what to say. Maya's here. We're spending the day together."
"She is? Oh that's wonderful, darling." She took a deep breath before continuing, "You need that time with your sister. I'll take care of this. And maybe you can see her another time."
"No. We’ll be right there."
I hung up the phone before Nan could argue with me, feeling a wave of emotion that I was struggling to process completely. I wasn't sure how I felt, but I knew where I needed to go.
"What was that all about?" Maya asked, taking one last bite of her sandwich.
"Grab your stuff. We need to go to Nan's."
As we rode the tube to the other side of London, I finished getting Maya up to speed. She listened intently as I spoke. She didn't roll her eyes or make me feel stupid the way she had when we were kids. It was like she actually cared and it felt nice.
By the time I finished rambling on and on about not knowing what I wanted out of my relationship with Tabitha, we arrived on Nan's doorstep.
"Girls," Granddad said when he answered the door. Pure confusion filled his handsome face.
"Surprise," Maya said. "I'm here to visit, Granddad. Surprised Audey for her birthday."
"Fantastic!" Grandad gave us each a kiss on the cheek. But suddenly serious, he pulled me off to the side. "Audey, maybe you should come back later."
"It's okay, Granddad. I know she's here. That's why we came."
"Oh," he said, looking shocked.
"Hey, Granddad, I've been meaning to ask you...will you show me all your hunting gear?"
"Eh?" Granddad said, again shocked. "You mean...my rifles? What on earth do you want with my rifles?"
"Let's give Auden a moment," she whispered, gesturing to the dining room where Tabitha's wails could easily be heard.
"Oh, right. Right. Excellent, yes." Granddad wrapped his arm around Maya. "Follow me, dear."
Just then, Nan rounded the corner. Her face was pale and distraught.
"Auden, darling, I—" she lowered her voice, "I can’t believe you’re really here."
"I had to give her one more chance."
"She's inconsolable at the moment. But you might be able to change that. If anyone can, it's you."
I walked into the dining room where Tabitha sat. In her hand was a picture of me. I must have been about two years old at the time. On the table were several other frames she'd taken from Nan's sitting room. Her head was buried in her hands and she wailed at the top of her lungs. A puddle of tears enveloped the fabric of the tablecloth.
"Hello," I said, standing with my hand on the back of a chair. I wasn't ready to sit, and I wasn't ready for her to touch me in any way. I was safe behind the wooden buffer of the chair.
"Huh," she said, looking up, her eyes widening. "Oh my God, you're...you're here," she said, popping out of her chair and stepping toward me. I stepped back and she covered her mouth with her hand. "I'm sorry. I-I won't come...I won't come any closer. I just...I can't believe you're here."
"Nan called," I said with a shrug.
"Thanks," she said, sitting back down and wiping her face with her sleeve. "Will you sit?"
"Sure, yeah," I said, sitting across from her at the gigantic table. A cuckoo clock hung on the wall behind Tabitha, and I was so grateful for the calm it brought me as I watched the tiny little hands work their way around and around, again and again. Soon it'd be one o’clock and the bird would chirp. I did my best to look at Tabitha, but my eyes drifted back to the clock every time I needed calming.
"Happy birthday, sweet girl." Tabitha tilted her head to the side. "I was so awful to you. I'm so sorry. For everything."
"I don't really think this is one of those roll-them-all-up-into-one-apology circumstances, do you?"
She laughed. "You're so witty. Who knew I'd give birth to such a clever girl?"
"Yeah, well, I'm a lot like my dad. He's as quick as a whip."
She winced. "Did I do the right thing? Are they good to you?"
