Unwanted Stars, page 21
"Oh good," I said, sitting down on the duvet cover.
We sat in silence until I finally asked the question that had been bothering me for weeks.
"Why didn't you name me?"
"What?"
"My name. Tabitha said she named me."
"That's not entirely true."
"Okay then, tell me the truth. I love my name. I thought it meant something to you. For her to say that, it killed me."
"When we met with Tabitha and agreed to the terms of adoption, she asked to name you. Your father and I had concerns about that. Jason and Maya were both named after poets. We wanted the same for you. We wanted all of our children to have that common tie. So, we told her she had to name you after a poet."
"Okay, but...I always thought I was named after that poem. About the clocks."
"In a way, you were. They'd read that poem at your birth father's funeral. It stuck with Tabitha, so she named you Auden."
"What did you want to name me?"
"Emily," she said, "after Emily Dickinson. You know how much I love her. So, we compromised."
"Auden Emily..." I repeated my name, connecting the dots for the first time.
"I wanted you to know some of the real reason behind your name, which is why I told you about the poem. Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in your soul. You perched in my soul, Auden. And you'll never leave. I'll always have hope and you will always have my love. I know, deep within my heart, that I was meant to be your mother, whether you choose to see that or not. I can't force you, but I'll also never give up. I'll never give up on you."
"Thank you," I said, tears welling again as I stared into her eyes. She looked like she'd aged years since I saw her in Spain. The distance I'd placed between us was torturing her. I wanted so badly to end that for her, but I didn't really know how.
"Now, talk to me about what just happened."
"I don't know."
"Try." She wasn't going to back down, but I felt protected and safe. I felt like I could search my brain, search my heart to figure it out.
"My period was almost two weeks late."
"Does Campbell know?"
"No. I couldn't tell him. There was so much going on...everything with you, with the wedding, with Tabitha. I just couldn't. It was easier to ignore it."
"Are you going to tell him?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. Should I?"
"I can't answer that, sweetheart."
I nodded. "I'll have to think on it, I guess. It's safe to tell him now, since, ya know, I'm not."
"True. It's your decision no matter what."
"I love you, Mom," I whispered.
My mother pressed her lips together, holding back the tears that were welling in her eyes. She pulled me to her, sobbing into my shoulder, holding the back of my head with her hand. She cried as she clutched me.
"I never thought I'd hear that again. Oh, my sweet baby girl. Please forgive me. Please, please..."
"I will, Mom. I will. Just give it time."
The library was stunning, just as Hadley had hoped. When we arrived this afternoon, we stood and watched in awe as the wedding planner directed employees carrying flowers and chairs to make the ceremony perfect.
"Do you think Jason will like it?" she asked.
"He's going to love it," I said, taking her hand in mine. "But he'd also marry you on a street corner. You're all he wants. You and Marty."
"I know, I just...it feels good to do this for him. He does so much for me, for us, every single day."
"He's not doing you any favors, Had. He loves you."
"Oh, I know," she said, shaking her head. "I just...he's so romantic, ya know? And I'm just not. Not really. But this," she said, pointing around the room, "this I could do. For him."
"And he'll be ecstatic," I said, "I'm impressed that he still doesn't know."
"He promised not to look for any spare copies of the invitation. And I asked everyone close to us to keep it out of plain sight, just in case."
"You're a smart woman. I'm impressed you pulled it off."
"I just wish I could see his face when the car brings him here. I won't get to see his expression until later."
"Dad's going to get it on his phone, don't worry." It was difficult to still say the name, "Dad." Despite my moment with my mother the day before, I hadn't yet spoken to Stanford Kelly. I avoided him last night at the rehearsal dinner. Any time he approached me, I found a reason to walk the other way. I knew it was immature, but I just couldn't handle it. My mom and I had always had a bond, close in our own way, even though I knew she wanted me to let her in more than I did. But my Dad? I'd always had a quiet reverence for him. Right now, though, it was gone. And it bothered me. More than I had expected it to.
"Aud, you okay?" Hadley asked, pulling me from my daze.
"Yeah, I'm good."
"We're early. They have a conference room for us to change in. The stylist will be here soon. So will Kate."
"She agreed to do your wedding, huh?" I asked, knowing that Kate Maxwell was not a fan of wedding photography. She was more of an artist who liked to take stylistic shots when inspired, but she and Hadley had become good friends in the past year and she made an exception.
"Yes! I'm so excited," Hadley said. "Come on. Let's drop this stuff off. Our moms will be here in a half hour."
"Got it," I said, carrying garment bags in my arms and a backpack full of supplies on my back. I was glad to have this time, just the two of us. Once the rest of the bridal party arrived, there'd be too much chaos, too much commotion to have any sort of real conversation. She'd asked about yesterday morning, and I explained that I had a panic attack. She knew there was more to it though. The thing about Hadley is that she doesn't push. She knew I wasn't ready to talk about it, and she could feel me withdrawing from her. So she got a little bit of info from me and would figure out the time to get the rest later. And that's why I loved her.
We entered the conference room and there was a gift box on the table. When Hadley saw the post-it note on the top of the box, she panicked.
"Don't worry," I said, "that was delivered for him. He still has no idea where the wedding will be."
"Oh, thank God."
She stood admiring the box, holding the post-it to her chest.
"What are you waiting for? Open it," I said, eager for her to see the wedding gift Jason had made for her.
She opened it, gasping when she saw it.
"He didn't," she said.
"Yep, he did," I said, watching her stare at the book in awe. "It comes out next week. His fans will be excited."
Last year, Jason had created an adorable picture book for Marty for his first birthday, expressing his love for the little guy. It was called Marty My Smarty. In Hadley's arms was the second book in the series. He'd kept it a secret from her, but had given me a heads up a few months back, wanting to surprise her today. And it worked.
"Marty in the Wedding Party?" Hadley asked with a laugh. On the cover of the book was a hand drawn picture of Marty in a suit, holding a ring bearer pillow. A diamond ring sat on top of the pillow, tied with a ribbon. The little boy on the cover looked just like my nephew: floppy chocolate colored hair, big hazel eyes, and pale skin. Whoever Jason hired to illustrate these books deserved a freaking award. The illustrations were perfection.
She paged through the book, both of us oohing and ahhing with each turn of the page. We saw Hadley as a bride, holding his hand, Marty carrying the pillow as he walked down the aisle, and Jason giving him a high-five and a big hug before Grandma carried him to his seat. The final page showed Marty holding hands with his mom and dad, all smiling at one another.
The page read:
Marty my Smarty
You bring your Mom and me
So much joy.
Now and forever,
Marty My Smarty,
I am proud to call you
My little boy.
"No, no, no! No crying!" I said, wiping Hadley's tears away gently with a tissue.
"I can't help it. He's just...he's perfect."
"No he's not," I said with a laugh, "but you're pretty perfect for each other."
"Thanks." Tears slipped down her pink cheeks. "I think we've both found the loves of our lives, don't you?"
"Yeah," I said, blushing. "I do."
"I like him a lot, Aud. The way he looks at you. It's like—"
"What? Spill it."
"No, you'll get pissed. You hate when I get sappy."
"I can take it this time." I was dying to know what she thought. What she really thought about the two of us together.
"Interesting," she said, a look of mischief in her eyes. "The way he looks at you. It's as if you hung the moon."
"I hung the moon?"
"It's an expression. It means he's absolutely crazy about you. Like you could do no wrong."
"I know what it means, dork. But do you really think so?"
"I'm certain."
"Wow."
Silence drifted into the room and Hadley's eyes turned again. This time they were serious.
"Are you going to tell him?" she asked, biting her lower lip.
"Should I?"
"I can't answer that for you. So...are you?"
"Pregnant?" She nodded. "No, but I thought I was. And it scared the fuck out of me. I'm not ready. For any of that. I don't know how you did it, Had. Seriously."
"It was hard, I'm not gonna lie, but I wouldn't change a thing. Who knows how long Tucker and I would've stayed together if it wasn't for Marty, ya know? And Jason...I can't even imagine my life without your brother in it. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. He's my world. They both are."
"I need to be more careful. I'm just...not ready."
"I get it. You've got so much on your plate."
"I know. For god's sake, I'm only twenty-three!"
"Tabitha was only fifteen," she said softly, rubbing my arm with her delicate hand.
The realization hit me like a fucking Mack truck. Holy shit. She was only fifteen. I'm almost nine years older than she was when she discovered she was pregnant. I was an adult, living my life with a degree hanging in my apartment and life experience under my belt. She was a child. A fucking child. And my parents rescued her. They rescued her and they rescued me.
"For God's sake, how clueless have I been?"
My eyes pleaded with Hadley for the truth. I needed to know how foolish I'd been.
"Not clueless. Just hurt. Lost. Confused. They should have told you a long time ago, but they had their reasons. They're human. They made a mistake."
"A big one," I muttered.
"Agreed." She ran her fingers through my hair. "But their love for you...it's unwavering. Trust me, I'm a mom."
"But you gave birth to Marty. It's different."
"Auden Kelly, I can't believe you just said that...today of all days."
I had no idea what that meant. I looked at her, perplexed. She was pissed. I swear smoke was about to come out her ears, and I had no idea why. When I simply shrugged my shoulders, she continued, "Jason is not Marty's father by blood. Do you honestly think he loves him any less? Because if you do, maybe I shouldn't go through with this."
Her hands were on her hips and she was glaring at me in a way she never had before. I had dug myself a huge hole. Huge.
"Holy shit, Had. Goddamnit, I'm sorry."
"And don't say it's not the same thing, because it so is."
No, you're one hundred percent right."
"Thank you," she snapped before taking a seat at the table. "I used to worry about that, you know. It used to keep me up at night."
"What?"
"The thought of him not loving him as his own. It's why I pushed him away. Can you imagine if I hadn't realized how stupid I was being? Jason and I wouldn't be together. Marty and I would be fine, but...it wouldn't be the same. We wouldn't be us."
My eyes welled with tears. She was right. Absolutely right. As usual, I was so wrapped up in myself, not looking at things from anyone else's point of view.
"I won't lie to him," she continued. "He'll always know that his birth father is Tucker. But he'll also know his daddy is Jason. And that will never change. Not ever."
I had no words. All I could do was nod my head as I listened to Hadley give me the biggest dose of humble pie I'd ever received. But it was necessary. I needed to hear it. All of it.
"I want to forgive them. So badly."
"Then do it," she said. "It's going to take time, sure, but they love you and they did a hell of a job raising you."
"I know."
"Take it from someone whose dad is gone. Don't lose yours by choice. Don't shut them out."
That stung. Hadley's dad dying when we were in college nearly destroyed her entire family. They were healing, but she and her mom missed him every single day.
"I'm so sorry, Had. I didn't—"
"No, it's okay. I just don't want you to have regrets. Wasted time without them in your life, ya know?"
"Yeah, I get it. Thanks."
"Sure," she said, pulling me in for a hug.
"This is supposed to be your day, ya know," I said, clutching her tight.
"Oh, whatever. I was having a moment."
"I love you," I said.
"I love you more."
"Oh, hi!" Hadley said, looking to the door of the conference room. A petite woman with shiny black hair and a pensive smile leaned against the door frame.. "Auden, this is Debbie, our wedding planner. She's the reason the library looks so incredible. She did it all."
"It's nice to meet you," I said, extending my hand as she walked toward me.
"Auden. Maid of Honor, right?"
"That's me."
"Ooh, that reminds me. Hadley, the wedding programs are at the double doors leading to the ceremony."
"Perfect. My cousins are handing them out. I'll let them know."
"Good," Debbie said, inspecting the room. "Your stylist just arrived. She's speaking to your photographer. They'll both be in soon. Kate wants to get some photos of you getting your hair and makeup done.”
"Sounds good," Hadley said.
"Are you nervous?" I asked. She shook her head decisively.
"Not at all. I'm ready."
"Then let's do this."
"He looks so handsome," Hadley said, peeking through the windows in the lobby. Jason was standing at the end of the aisle, his sandy hair in perfect style. Shiny black glasses sat on the bridge of his nose and brand new black Converse adorned his feet. He was such a hipster. His fingers were drumming on his thighs as he patiently waited for the doors to open.
"He's nervous."
"I know. It's cute."
"You let him wear Chucks? To his own wedding?"
She shrugged. "I wanted him to be himself."
"You're way too tolerant."
"Just wait." she winked. "Ready, Mom?"
Allison Foster, Hadley's mother, looked beautiful. The powder blue dress fit her frame perfectly. She'd managed to gain weight in the last year and was taking pride in her appearance. She still missed Mr. Foster like crazy but was trying to date and put herself out there. And I knew Hadley was proud of her.
"Yep, I am."
I loved that Hadley broke tradition and asked her mother to walk her down the aisle rather than asking a male member of her family. Of course she wished Mr. Foster could be here, but since he couldn't be, she wanted her mom to be the one to give her away.
"Riley, honey," Hadley said to my niece. "Are you ready to pull Marty in the wagon?"
"Uh huh!" she said, grasping the handle of the wagon. Marty was sitting, happily paging through a board book that Jason had created from pictures of the family. He was enamored with it, pointing to each picture and proudly reciting their name. Such a smart boy.
"I'll be right behind you, sweetheart," I said, patting Riley's head. "I'll take Marty out of the wagon when I get there, kay?"
"Got it, Audey," she said with a big thumbs up. God, I loved that girl, even if her mother was a total pill who still hadn't said a word to me about the adoption. I was certain she knew all about it too. She just didn't want to acknowledge it. I guess I wasn't worth the conversation...
The music played and the doors opened, Riley pulled the wagon down the aisle, and I heard Marty say, "Daddy" once he noticed Jason at the front. The smile on Hadley's face was absolutely priceless at that moment.
I followed Riley down the aisle, catching a glimpse of Campbell seated with my parents toward the front of the groom's side. He wiggled his eyebrows at me when I approached. I shook my head and mouthed, "Nerd." He snickered before putting a fist to his mouth to clear his throat. When I reached the front, I took Mr. Marty out of the wagon and held him in my arms as we watched his mom glide down the aisle.
"Mommy," he said, pointing to Hadley as she walked arm in arm with her mother. She waved to him before focusing her attention on Jason. Jason's hand covered his mouth as he watched his bride continue toward him. He breathed deeply, preventing any tears from slipping out. When her mother offered Hadley’s arm to Jason, he gave her a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.
Jason took Hadley's hands in his after gesturing to the room. "I can't believe you did this."
"Were you surprised?"
"Totally," he said with a giant smile before stroking her cheek with his fingertip.
"Good."
"Thank you."
That moment between them was so genuine, so sweet, and so indicative of their relationship. It was one made up of gestures—giving, sweet gestures to show the other how much they cared, how much their needs surpassed their own. They were a perfect match.
Marty squirmed in my arms a bit as the Pastor welcomed everyone and began the wedding ceremony. "Mommyyyyy," he whined.
Hadley blew him a kiss and whispered, "Stay with Audey, okay, peanut?"
He nodded his head while making a poo-poo face. Oh, that face killed me. His floppy hair had landed in his eyes, so I brushed his bangs aside and kissed him on the top of his head, remembering the conversation Hadley and I had earlier in the conference room. Regardless of the blood flowing through this little boy's veins, he was my brother's son, he was my nephew, and nothing would ever change that. Being a parent wasn't about genetics, DNA, or pregnancy tests. It was about showing up. Loving a little person so much that you devoted your life to them, no questions asked. That's what Jason had done, and that's what my parents had done as well.
