Back to September, page 23
“Hannah.” It was one word, but in it I heard everything she was feeling. Desire. Concern. Trepidation. Need. I shut all of that out. Emotions and feelings had nothing to do with what I was searching for tonight.
“I don’t care about any of it right now,” I declared, as if Parker were in my head and knew the battle I waged. I reached for her, an invitation. She stepped out of the elevator, paused, and then crushed her lips to mine, the hesitation gone. The rest of the world faded right along with it. Also gone? My masterful ability to think, reason, or protect myself—snatched away by the dizzying effects of alcohol and Parker. I wanted her body pressed to mine. I wanted her naked beneath me. I wanted to make her come and watch as pleasure shook her to her core. We could put our connection back on the shelf later. Nothing had to change in the long run. I was perfectly safe. I shut the alarm bells off and savored the feel of her warm mouth on mine, because in that instant, it was my whole world.
We were in a public space, but you’d never know it. We kissed like teenagers unable to keep their hands off each other as we moved down the hallway. Mine were beneath her shirt, touching the heated skin at the small of her back, as our mouths battled for control. I didn’t mind losing tonight, at least temporarily.
She pushed me against the wall between two doors. I let her. Her eyes, as they raked down my body and back up again, carried enough heat to set the building on fire. As they settled on the cleavage peeking out from my shirt, I felt my nipples harden. I was also incredibly wet.
We needed my room, and fast.
The key was a problem. With her hands on my hips from behind, I fumbled with the card. I was shaking, I realized. That was the problem. Parker took it from me and successfully let us into my room.
The lamp was on in the small sitting area and I turned it off, having it my way this time. The city lights bled in through the window as I removed nearly each piece of her clothing in a flurry of kissing, touching, and stroking.
Releasing her breasts from her bra remained one of my favorite actions in all of my life. I caught them in my hands as her black bra fell to the floor. It was my turn to back her up against the wall, using her breasts to do it. I’d turned the tables and was vaguely aware that I only wore my bra and underwear. She’d somehow managed to free me of the rest of my clothing. Parker liked me in lingerie. It wasn’t my sexiest combo, navy on navy, but it would do. She, on the other hand, had only her bikinis on, pink silk.
“Your fucking body, Hannah,” Parker whispered, running a hand down my side, prompting goose bumps. I stepped back to let her see me better. She blinked and bit the inside of her bottom lip.
“Yours,” I said back. I stepped into her again, needing to feel her skin on mine. While I kissed her neck, I rocked my hips against her, pulling the best sounds. The little gasps, moans, and whimpers fueled my fire, encouraging me. I knew intimately what each one meant.
“More,” she said in a strangled voice.
I reached between us and snaked a hand up the inside of her thigh, prompting her to close her eyes. She was trembling. It was the anticipation. I knew her body well and had memorized all of her signals. I eased my hand up to her stomach and then dipped my fingers into her underwear, holding her firmly around the waist with my other arm.
“God, I can’t—” she stuttered, when my fingers brushed softly against her, causing her to jerk.
I pulled them away and studied her face.
“Hannah, please.”
She sounded desperate and I liked that. “Do you want me to touch you?” I asked, and kissed her neck slowly, as if I had all the time in the world. I leaned down and pulled a nipple into my mouth and bit down softly, savoring.
I could feel her nod, and when I looked up, her eyes were still closed. “Yes.”
I slid one finger inside, and she hissed in a breath, rocking her hips in an attempt to speed up the pace, searching for release. I let my thumb graze her most sensitive spot. Another time.
“Yes, like that. Please.”
I took my time. One pass, then another. Her sounds were linked to my thumb’s placement, and I could predict their steady beat. I added a second finger, a third, and let her ride, setting her own pace. I matched it.
“You’re driving me out of my mind,” Parker said, breathless. “I can’t take it.”
I couldn’t take how beautiful she looked, how sexy. I loved the way her breasts bounced, but I needed to see more of her. I dropped to my knees and pulled her bikinis down her legs and went to work with my mouth, holding her hips in place. My pace wasn’t measured this time. I devoured her. She sagged against the wall and threaded her fingers through my hair. She tasted like everything I remembered and craved. I nibbled and sucked and put my tongue to work until her hips moved furiously and she clenched around my fingers with a burst of a cry. Pleased, I stood as she clung to me. I felt the tears pool in my eyes as I held her. This was just sex; why was I allowing myself to feel? Her lips were on the underside of my jaw, my neck. She cradled my breasts through my bra and instinctually, I took a step away. “I can’t.”
She raised her gaze to mine, held our connection, searching my features for answers. Finally, understanding, she nodded. “Okay. It’s okay.”
I was capable of taking but couldn’t quite manage the giving, because giving myself to her again was too terrifying a concept. I couldn’t trust what I would feel, and what she would eventually do, and the best thing was just to not. Plain and simple.
“I’m sorry.” My gaze settled on the floor. “I’m the one who started this and now…”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Parker said intently. Her expression was carefully guarded and she eased a strand of blond hair behind her ear. “I’ll go.” She moved about the room, reassembling her outfit in silence. With the wine buzz fading, and the lust factor now dialed to dull, I felt the tug of what the hell did I just do? I’d spent months banishing Parker from my thoughts and feelings, and yet I’d just invited her into my room and had my way with her in a drunken weak moment. Not my wisest decision, and the ache in the center of my chest reminded me.
Parker must have seen me retreat into my thoughts. She paused and inclined her head to the side, her eyes gentle. “You can’t get mixed up with me again, okay? I can’t let you. You’re too important.”
I balked. “Who says I’m getting mixed up in anything? I’m not. Tonight was…tonight.”
“All right.” I watched her pull her shirt back over her head and push her bra into her bag. Now fully dressed, she turned back to me. “If you think I wouldn’t leap at the chance to go back and do it all again the right way, you’re wrong. I’d give anything for that, because I ruined the best damn thing that has, and will, ever happen to me.”
“You did, and it’s awful.” It felt cruel to agree with her when she seemed so vulnerable, but I still carried that little bag of bricks. It wasn’t entirely gone, and I couldn’t pretend it was. I was still so very angry at Parker, but did I also still love her? God, it simply didn’t matter anymore.
“Just so you know?” Parker touched her chest. “I’m not going to let myself hurt you ever again.”
“Good.”
She nodded. “Tonight was a misstep. I’m sorry.”
It made no sense that she was apologizing. I’d kissed her in the elevator, yet the remorse behind her eyes hung heavy and large. She’d taken on every inch of responsibility for all that had transpired between us, and the effect it seemed to have on her surprised and saddened me.
Parker paused at the door and stared back at me with warmth, and something more. Reverence? She was memorizing me, I realized. I memorized her right back. This would be the last time. It had to be, as it hadn’t been a good idea to begin with. I hadn’t made a lot of mistakes in my life, but sex with Parker Bristow after she’d broken my heart was probably one of them.
“I guess I’ll see you around the conference?” She offered a small but sad smile.
I hated that we’d come to this, after all we’d been through, all we’d shared. But it was for the best. I nodded. “Yeah, I bet so.”
“Can you remember one thing for me?”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“There was no way I could get on that plane. I loved you too damn much. I still do.” She didn’t wait for a reply. She softly closed the door and left me standing in my darkened hotel room, hollow, alone, and confused.
* * *
The final day of the conference, I made sure to bury myself in activities. Meetings, workshops, panel discussions, followed by a perusal of the trade show. Everywhere I went, I kept an eye out for Parker. Not because I wanted to be sure to avoid her, but because against my own logic, I wanted to catch a glimpse of her, even if just from afar. Just one.
The day was nearly over, and I’d rebooked myself on a flight out that night rather than waiting until morning. My travel plans would now allow me to open the store the next morning, which was important to me. As I rolled my bag through the lobby of the hotel and headed to the taxi line, there she was. The woman who’d occupied my thoughts nonstop for the past forty-eight hours.
“Parker,” I called across the lobby.
She turned and broke into a soft smile when she saw me. Her eyes shone brightly as she approached, wearing an all-white pantsuit that made her look like she owned the world. I saw she had a signing shortly in the grand salon. Any other time and I would have been drooling at the image of her walking toward me, looking the way she did. Today it only sent a pang of regret. I crossed to meet her.
“I just wanted to tell you that I’m headed home now.”
“Oh,” she said. Her disappointment was clear, and the sparkle left her eyes. “Well. I hope it’s an easy trip. I’m sure those rascals will be happy to see you. Grab Bacon by the ear for me. He knows that means playtime.”
“I will.” A pause. “Before I leave, do you mind signing this?” I pulled out my copy of Back to September and held it out to her. It was still, in my opinion, a masterpiece of the genre, and I planned to add it to my personal bookshelf once I got home.
She stared at the book for a moment, as if stunned to see it. She glanced up at me. “Are you sure you want me to…?”
I nodded. “Please.”
She accepted the copy of the book I’d purchased at the trade show earlier that day and flipped to the title page. I didn’t watch her sign, and when she handed the book back, I slipped it into my bag for another time.
“Thank you,” I said sincerely.
“Of course. Anything you ever need. Just ask.”
“I’ll remember that.” It felt like something to say in the midst of another good-bye. I longed to be strong and unaffected in the face of everything I’d gone through with Parker, but the truth was that all I wanted in that moment was to pull her into my arms and tell her it was going to be okay, that we both were. I guess that’s what happens when you care about someone—love rises to the top above everything else.
“Good-bye, Hannah. Safe travels.” She stepped forward and pulled me into an unexpected embrace. Once I was in her arms, I felt the world around me melt away. All our problems seemed to matter less when Parker held me, and the complications reminded me of annoying gnats at an otherwise wonderful picnic. She released me, and reality intruded. They weren’t just annoying gnats. Our problems were so much more than that, and I wouldn’t allow myself to forget.
“Write some good books for the world,” I told her.
Parker offered what I read as a sad smile. “I’ll do my best.” She touched her heart. “It’s been a battle.”
I nodded, understanding all too well. What a pair we were. “Good-bye, Parker.”
“Good-bye, Hannah.”
I walked away and refused to look back. By the time I arrived at the circular drive in front of the hotel, the tears gathered. We’d not had a proper good-bye when it had ended between us, and it felt like we were, at long last, doing that now. The finality resonated to the tune of a deep ache right in the center of my chest. I looked back at the hotel and ruminated on the very unexpected weekend full of ups and downs.
“Headed to the airport?” the valet asked.
“Yes, sir. I’m on my way home. Back to real life.” A final glance at the hotel. I fantasized about heading back inside, taking Parker by the hand, telling her I forgave her and that maybe we could find a way back from this. After all, she hadn’t gotten on the plane in Providence, a testament to her feelings for me. If we truly loved each other, maybe there was some measure we could take to safeguard against her fears and mine.
“Ma’am, your car,” the valet said, and opened the door to the cab. The fantasy moved into a possible reality. I could walk right back in there.
We could maybe make it work.
Somehow.
“Thank you.” I handed him the folded bills from my pocket and slid into the cab.
“Nice day we’re having,” the driver said.
“It is.”
Eyes forward. Eyes forward.
As the car pulled into the flow of traffic, I pulled the signed copy of the book from my bag and read the inscription.
September will always mean you. I love you, Hannah. Now and for always.
—Parker
I hugged the open book to my chest as the hot tears slid down my face.
Chapter Nineteen
Amy swung open the door to her beautiful one-story home in Acre Wood Park, a small subdivision south of downtown Providence. I’d agreed to babysit her son, Nash, while Bo and Amy had a little one-on-one time that night, which might have been code for sex, but honestly, I wasn’t going to force it out of my sister. I knew their relationship had been physical but not intimate. Who knew? Maybe tonight was the night.
“Hannah, hi!” Amy said, beaming. She looked beautiful in a long-sleeved black knit dress and heels. Her golden hair held a soft curl, and she wore the most beautiful silver hoop earrings. Bo was going to lose her breath. “Your sister is running late. Her two p.m. hearing apparently kept getting pushed back.”
“Oh, that’s okay. I don’t mind waiting.”
She beamed. For someone with a very heavy recent past, she always managed to appear upbeat and chipper. I liked that about her. “I hoped you’d say that. Wine?”
“I rarely say no to such an offer.”
I followed her down the short hallway to her kitchen, remembering that this was the same home that my attacker had once inhabited. It was a surreal component to my getting to know Amy, who I’d found to be nothing but warm and kindhearted. Nash, Amy’s six-year-old, who I’d met once before, offered me a wave from the couch before turning his attention back to the gaming console in his hands. Amy waved him off. “He’s allowed ninety minutes of screen time a day, and he’s on his last thirty.”
“Aha. Soaking it up.”
“Exactly.” She handed me a glass of red from the bottle she’d already opened and left breathing on the wet bar. “How was your conference? Bo said it was kind of a big deal.”
“Interesting. That’s a good word for it. But I was happy to have been asked to speak. That was certainly new.” I stared at the glass in my hand and remembered how the wine from the week before had inspired a series of events that had me unsteady in my heart and head all over again. In all honesty, I should have handed the damned devil’s liquid back to Amy and sworn off it forever.
“Tell me about it?” Amy said, and inclined her head to the side. “What made it interesting? You sounded dubious.”
Amy wasn’t just warm, she was intuitive. She and I didn’t know each other that well, but the way she said the words, so calmly, without an iota of judgment, made me feel that I could easily talk to her. I sighed. “Parker was there. Wasn’t expecting that.”
“Oh,” she said, with a knowing grimace. “My ex was notorious for showing up at places he knew I’d be. Do you think that’s what happened?”
From what I understood, Amy’s ex-husband had been not only a cheat but violent toward her as well. Made sense when I considered what he’d tried to do to Bo. “I don’t think she meant to crash my conference. No. She seemed pretty embarrassed by the coincidence, honestly, and she’s an honest person.”
“Well, that’s something. From what I understand, you two were pretty serious before you were hurt.”
I saw the guilt gather behind her stare, and I covered her hand with mine to let her know that I didn’t assign any responsibility to her, something I’d told her more than once already. “We were, but she left me there in the hospital and walked away from us.”
“Oh.”
“Well, I guess she didn’t technically leave me in the hospital. I found out this weekend that she stowed away downstairs.”
Amy inclined her head. “Wait. So she was there and never said anything?”
“Exactly. She was in town for weeks, and I never knew.” I still couldn’t quite believe it. “She was too scared and ashamed.”
“Wow.” Amy shook her head. “Does that change anything for you, knowing that she didn’t jet in the same manner you thought she had? I’m trying to imagine if I was in your shoes and how that might affect me.”
I leaned against the counter and asked myself the question honestly. “It feels different, knowing the truth, yes. But the end result is still the same, you know?”
“Does it have to be?” Amy waved her hand. “Not that it should be any different. I’m just thinking out loud.” She straightened. “Did you ever call her? Reach out to her after she panicked at the hospital?”
I shook my head. “I was too shocked, too angry.” Yet now it seemed like the most basic thing in the world to have done. Maybe Parker, who had a history of loss, just needed some words of reassurance. I wondered now what might have happened if I’d offered some.
“Bo said Parker had a rough time of it when she was younger.” Amy sighed. “I know it’s awful that she wasn’t by your side, but I bet it helps to understand that it wasn’t you she was running from.”
