Love Like This, page 20
Once she was dressed and ready to take on the day, her next task was an easy decision: French toast before she headed into Silhouette. She checked in on Spencer, who smiled up at her groggily from bed. “Good morning,” she said, in her raspy, sleepy voice.
“Hey, you,” Hadley said, kissing her softly. “Feel like sleeping some more? You can.”
“Not after I’ve seen what’s waiting for me.” She sat up and buried her face in Hadley’s neck, wrapping her arms around her waist. “You smell so good.”
Hadley grinned. “It’s that hibiscus shampoo you love.”
“I identify it entirely with you now.”
“Good. Gonna start some French toast if you think you have the ingredients. Thoughts?”
“It’s likely. Can I help? I suck at it, but will try.”
“No need. I make killer French toast and am planning to dazzle you. I got this,” Hadley said, proudly. “Plus, making breakfast always gets my day started right. Drives my motivation forward.”
“Then I’ll hop in the shower and meet you in the kitchen soon. Hey, I meant to ask you, want to do dinner tonight? I know a fly little place I’ve been meaning to show you. Sangria to die for.”
“You had me at fly and sangria and you.”
“It’s a date.” They shared a final kiss and Spencer hopped out of bed.
Hadley got to work, humming a tune as she prepped the toast and located the syrup and powdered sugar. As she waited for the pan to heat, she registered that Spencer had been out of the shower for several minutes, and would likely be able to tell her whether she wanted orange juice or apple. She rounded the corner to the bathroom, and saw Spencer standing there in her towel, taking in all of Hadley’s belongings on the counter. The drawer she’d stashed some of the more important things in stood open with Spencer looking down into it. Concern and unease was written all over her face.
Hadley felt her face heat. “I’m sorry. I thought since I was here so often lately, that maybe I could just leave a few things. That was stupid.”
“Oh.” A pause. “It’s not stupid,” Spencer said, attempting to recover and failing. Hadley had already seen the concerned look on her face and that overt discomfort still lingered. She could see and feel it in every essence of Spencer’s being, no matter how hard she tried to shove it aside. Spencer was officially freaked out.
“I shouldn’t have been presumptuous,” Hadley said, humiliated now. “I’ll just…here.” She went about organizing her things, as a hot blush spread, making her feel ridiculous. She reached across Spencer, accidentally knocking over the small bottle of perfume, which then knocked over her hairspray, which she clumsily snatched and shoved into her bag.
“I don’t need you to do that. It just caught me off guard.”
“No, no. I get it. Why wouldn’t it? It’s not like it’s something we talked about. I made the leap and that was overzealous. I see that now.” The embarrassment was upon Hadley in full force, and she just wanted to gather her belongings and remove them from Spencer’s space. She was dumb to have taken that kind of liberty.
Spencer reached for her wrist and stopped her progress. “Stop it. I don’t want you to pack it all up. I just needed a minute to adjust and I have. I’m all good now. See?” She pointed at the forced smile on her face. Didn’t matter. The damage was done. Spencer’s reaction had pretty much slashed her to bits, but in the spirit of harmony, Hadley propelled herself beyond it. She was capable of rising to any occasion and this one was no different.
“Yeah, I see.” It was all she had in her. “No big deal.”
“We’re fine,” Spencer said, kissing her cheek.
“Yep. Fine,” Hadley said back. “French toast should be ready in ten.”
“Thank God. I can’t wait.”
But the damage was done. They never did regain their easy give and take, and when it was time to head out for work, Hadley did something she never ever did. She lied. “Hey, about that dinner tonight? I just remembered, I promised Isabel we could get together. It slipped my mind entirely. Can we raincheck?”
“Oh. Okay, cool. Then we’ll do it another night this week.”
“Great. I’ll call you or—”
“You can call me.”
“Perfect.”
“Yeah.” A pause. “Hey, have a good day at work.” Spencer kissed her lightly on the mouth and searched her eyes as if trying to ascertain their current status, which is the opposite of what Hadley wanted. She didn’t need Spencer to feel sorry for her or go out of her way to make Hadley feel comfortable. She was a big girl and would take care of herself. Always had.
When she reached her car, she fumbled blindly for her phone. Anybody free tonight for a chat? she typed into her friends’ four-way group text. It was her own version of mayday, and she hoped her friends would be there for her. It wasn’t until later that day when Isabel texted back that she’d be working late, and Gia apologized but had a date night planned with Elle, and Autumn didn’t respond at all that Hadley burst into tears alone in her office, wondering how she’d gotten herself and her heart so far entrenched, feeling things for someone who may never be able to reciprocate the way she wanted her to. Not only that, but she felt very alone in the world, with no one to confide in.
“Had, you okay?” Daisy asked, peering at her around the corner.
“Oh, yeah.” She straightened automatically and pretended to lean down for something in her bottom drawer, wiping her eyes as she went. “It’s just that my allergies have been unbearable lately, you know. Fall is brutal when it creeps in.”
Daisy reached for a tissue and carried it over to Hadley. “Here you go. For the allergies.”
“Thanks, Daisy.”
“Hey, I know you’re my boss, but you’re honestly the best boss I’ve ever had. If there’s anything on your mind, or if there’s anything I can do to make your day better, just say the word, okay?”
The kindness generated a small light in the center of Hadley’s chest that spread out slowly. She’d needed that. “Thanks, Daze. I’m okay, really. Now even better.”
Daisy nodded. “Good. We’re all closed up and set for the night. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“You most certainly will.” She stood and gathered her belongings. “I plan to have fewer allergies.” She slung her arm around Daisy and they walked out together to greet dusk in LA. This time of day, Rodeo was a little slower, with cars headed home and shops closing for the day. Some people would return to their families and start dinner. Others would head out to meet for drinks or a date. Hadley headed home quietly alone. She hadn’t heard from Spencer all day, which was rare for them. Maybe she was every bit as off-kilter as Hadley was. Maybe she was reconsidering everything. Who really knew?
With her spirits low, Hadley quietly got out of her work clothes and slipped into yoga pants and her old threadbare Dodgers sweatshirt. She ate in silence at her kitchen table and then slipped off to bed early, feeling more lonesome than she could ever remember. She let her thoughts turn to Spencer as she drifted off, her smile, her dry wit, and her kind heart. She was everything Hadley wanted, and apparently, exactly what Hadley couldn’t have.
She’d have to learn to reconcile that. Settle for less or run screaming for the hills. The weight of her eyelids and the stress of the day whisked her away from all of it. At least temporarily.
Chapter Eleven
The rainy October morning seemed fitting. Hadley had woken to a text message from Spencer that said simply Good morning, Beautiful. Those words should have left her glowing, and in a small way, they managed to put a smile on her face. But she was concerned and not feeling at all like herself. She shuffled her way to Pajamas in her yoga pants and sweatshirt, not needing to dress for work for a couple of hours. She accepted her mocha gratefully from Autumn, who’d returned to work three days a week, juggling the kids between her schedule and Kate’s until a nanny started the following month. But Hadley was just going through the motions.
“Why isn’t Had saying anything?” Isabel asked Autumn, from across the table. “Have you noticed that Had has stopped speaking?”
“I haven’t,” Hadley said simply. But she couldn’t look them in the eye. Emotion circled and bubbled and reared its relentless head. There would be no tears. None at all. But she lost the battle the moment the thought occurred to her, and became a big blubbering mess.
“Oh no, sweetie,” Autumn said, coming around the table. “What’s going on? Why are you sad?”
She waved Autumn off as the tears pooled and fell, hot and plentiful. “I’m just being stupid and extra emotional.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Maybe I’m on a PMS kick. Ignore me. Put a plant in front of me or something. Go back to whatever you were talking about.”
“We were talking about strangers dancing in their cars when they think no one is looking,” Gia pointed out. “I think we can press pause.”
“I don’t like it when you cry,” Isabel said. Her face was pulled in and she seemed alarmed. “Tell us what’s going on. Autumn, make her tell us, so we can make it stop.”
Hadley tried to smile, but with Autumn’s comforting arms around her, it never quite manifested. What was it about someone being nice to her in the middle of a difficult time that just unleashed the emotion in one big whoosh? “I’m just having a rough couple of days. I think Spencer’s afraid of commitment, and that may never change no matter how strong my feelings grow for her. I was a wreck about it and then you guys blew me off last night when I needed someone, and the world just felt very, very big. I felt small.” She shrugged, not sure how else to categorize it.
The three of them exchanged glances and seemed to sink lower in their chairs. Isabel turned to Hadley soberly. “That was fucked up of me. No workday is more important than you.”
“Thanks, Izzy.” Hadley sniffled. The words helped.
“Same. You would have dropped everything for any one of us,” Gia said. “On a dime.”
Hadley nodded her appreciation.
Autumn stared at them sadly. “I fell asleep,” she said, as if it were the most horrific of admissions. “Kate watched the kids, and I just passed out and missed the text entirely. I’m an awful friend,” she said in horror.
It was Hadley’s turn to put her arms around Autumn. “You are not. Do you hear me? You are an exhausted friend.” Still holding Autumn, she glanced across the table at Isabel and Gia. “Just hearing you care is enough for me, okay? Everyone is forgiven automatically.”
“Shouldn’t we at least get more of a lecture?” Isabel asked. “I don’t feel properly punished.”
“Yeah,” Gia said. “Call us a few names.”
Isabel nodded. “Slam your fist on the table. Take away Ms. Pac-Man.”
“Malign our families.”
Hadley winced. “That seems extreme. I don’t want to do any of that.”
Autumn sat up, regaining her composure. “Well, at the very least, tell us about the trouble with Spencer. Let us weigh in and help.”
“I can do that.” Hadley obliged and recounted the events of the prior morning. Hearing it all played back made her feel slightly ill and embarrassed all over again. “Did I overreact?”
“Your emotions are yours, which makes them valid,” Isabel said.
“That sounds like code for I’m a crazy person.”
“You’re not crazy,” Autumn said. “You were completely in the right to feel slighted. You’re someone who places a high value on your relationships, and it makes perfect sense that you’d want the same back from someone you were falling for. You are falling for her, aren’t you?”
“You wouldn’t be crying if you weren’t,” Isabel pointed out.
Hadley blinked back the returning tears. “I am. I feel it happening more and more with each moment we spend together. We’re so different, but that’s what has me so enraptured.”
“Then don’t you dare discount what’s happening,” Gia said, speaking with an intensity Hadley was not used to. “You always shove your own feelings aside for everyone else’s. You go out of your way to do nice things for others and to make the world a better place. You take the burnt piece of toast or the bad seat just to ensure others are happy. Do not compromise.”
Isabel nodded. “You’re deserving of so much, Had.”
“Is she falling for you?” Autumn asked gently.
Hadley asked herself the question honestly. “I think she is. I also think the concept terrifies her. For example, she seems to do much better when we stay at my place. She relaxes, but when I come too far into hers, the walls go up. I dropped by out of the blue one afternoon when she was working, and you’d have thought I’d stolen her cat.” Hadley shook her head. “You should have seen how out of sorts she looked. She always recovers. But it’s there.”
Her friends exchanged a concerned look, which only validated her worry.
“I felt like I had intruded, which is how I felt yesterday morning, too. I don’t want to intrude on anyone’s life. I want to share in it.” She sighed. “Why in the world did I think falling in love would be amazing?”
“It can be,” Gia said. “You just have to sort out the issues first.”
“Does Spencer know how you feel about her?” Autumn asked. “That you’re falling in love with her?”
Hadley shook her head. “We haven’t discussed love. I don’t want her bolting on me.”
“Bolting or not, maybe it’s time to show your cards,” Autumn said, and squeezed her hand. “Then Spencer knows exactly what she’s responding to.”
Isabel slowly raised her hand.
“You, there,” Autumn said, calling on her. “With the dark hair and pale, pale skin. What say you?”
“Thanks, formerly pregnant lady.” She turned to Hadley. “I remember what that’s like, to be Spencer. When Taylor and I first started up, I was scared out of my mind. I was so careful about every little thing, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop, that it was hard for me to fully let go of myself and allow her in. I panicked. Couldn’t believe what we had wasn’t going to just disappear and crush me. To this day, I can’t imagine what made her stick around and wait out my neurotic bullshit, but she did. She waited me out. Maybe that’s what Spencer needs. A little bit of patience.”
It made sense, and it had worked for Taylor. She’d be thrilled if she and Spencer found their way to being their own version of Isabel and Taylor, who were so in love it radiated off them wherever they went.
“Or just leave every damn item you own all over her place and indoctrinate her by fire,” Gia said, smoothly. “Or there’s always kneecaps. Just say the word.”
Autumn turned to Hadley. “Talk to her.”
“I will.” Hadley smiled at her friends. “Thanks, guys. Very good advice. All of it.” She turned to Gia. “Maybe not the kneecaps.”
“Just file it away,” Gia said. “It’s here if you need it.”
* * *
Spencer couldn’t work. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t function. She’d tried many times over, to no avail. All she knew was that she’d inadvertently hurt Hadley and hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything else since. She’d sent her that good morning message hours ago, only to receive nothing back. The memory of the look in Hadley’s eyes when she’d walked in on Spencer discovering her stored belongings haunted her. She never wanted to see her look that way again, which meant something had to give. She had to be forthcoming with Hadley. Honesty was the only way to go, she told herself, as she paid the exorbitant parking fee at the lot near Silhouette. Even if that meant revealing every vulnerability she had, every hang up, and each conflict of emotion, because there were many.
She opened the door to Silhouette and found a rather posh, serious-looking girl with a red updo adjusting the dress on a mannequin wearing sunglasses. She turned regally to Spencer and regarded her as if trying to sum up her purpose on Earth. “Hello,” she said, breaking into a languid smile. “Please come in.”
“Thank you,” Spencer said.
“I’m Miranda. What can I help you find today?” the woman said.
“Spencer. And Hadley.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I was looking for Hadley Cooper?”
“Spencer Adair,” she heard another voice whisper behind her. This voice carried excitement and seemed a great deal friendlier. She turned to see a second woman, with shorter brown hair and a contagious smile, approach. “Hi, I’m Daisy. Big fan of your designs and thrilled to know you’ll be one of our designers soon.”
“Thank you,” Spencer said. “Me, too.”
Suddenly the Miranda chick seemed a great deal warmer. “How lovely,” she said, beaming at Spencer. “Can I get you a refreshment? A glass of Chardonnay, perhaps?”
“Just point me to Hadley if she’s around?”
“Right this way!” Daisy said, and marched Spencer toward the back of the store and up the handful of stairs to the sitting area. There she saw Hadley working with what appeared to be a mother / daughter combo. “Thanks,” Spencer whispered to Daisy. “I can take it from here.” Daisy nodded and returned to the retail space below. Spencer watched Hadley from a distance, a little nervous, but also fascinated to see her in her element.
“I’m thinking if you went with the blue and added a jacket, something casual, and a pair of killer shoes, then this outfit is going to slay,” Hadley told them. The mother looked on, dubious, as the daughter turned to the side and studied herself in the mirror.
