Difficult Girl, page 14
My gaze drifts to the scenery that would make even the Hobbits in The Lord of the Rings jealous for all the rolling hills and splashes of greenery that stretch as far as the eye can see. “I breathe different out here.” I tap my sternum. “There’s always this knot in my chest. This pressure I can’t get rid of. But every now and then when I’m on this mountaintop, I feel it loosen.” I lower my voice to a whisper. “Sometimes I don’t feel it at all. Like nothing terrible has ever happened.”
Connery rolls over, the back of his head resting across my thigh. He doesn’t mind that I cradle his head like he’s my baby, so long as I also rub his tummy. His tongue lolls out of his mouth comically, so I know I’ve hit the spot he loves. “Tell me about the terrible things, lass.”
I glance down at him with a soft smile. “Not today. Scenery like this is meant to erase all the bad memories, at least for a little while. For now, let’s just enjoy the fresh air together.”
Connery seems to have no problem with this.
And so, we sit for the next hour, cuddling and talking about what we hope the queendom looks like, and how cool it will be to create our own country under the nose of the horrid king.
“Hey, babe?” I ask Connery. “Do you want a dog bed or a person bed when we set up the new land? I never know with you. And you should have your own room, so you have somewhere to go when you’re sick of me.”
Connery gazes up at me. “Ye want me to stay in your house when we build the new empire?”
I kiss his maw again. “I want you to stay with me in any house, in any world, but only if that’s what you want too. I love you. Don’t you know that?”
Connery sighs contentedly. “I do now. I love ye, Zara.” He licks my hand. “And I prefer whichever bed you’re in. If we’re having a row, I’ll sleep outside Seven’s room to keep watch.”
How does Connery always know the perfect thing to say?
“Who were you before the king stole you?” I ask quietly. It’s a loaded question because I know he wishes he could still transform. Wishes he hadn’t lost two decades of his will being stripped from him. Wishes he’d had any semblance of a normal adulthood.
“I hardly remember; it was so long ago.” Connery closes his eyes while he mulls over my query. “Felix and I are similar in tha we can’t calm down unless the people we love are safe. He loves Fritzi like his own self, and I love Bodhi in much the same way. We tolerated very little mischief tha might put Bodhi or Fritz in jeopardy. I suppose if ye asked Bodhi about who I used to be, he would call me an insufferable stick in the mud. He’d probably say it with his nose in the air.”
“I can picture that,” I chuckle softly.
Connery is the first one to caution us of the danger in any given plan. He’s always trying to put himself between peril and me, sometimes to the point of frustrating both of us. But in the end, I love him for the protection no one ever sought to give me growing up. I was the one keeping the family sane and together. I was the one making sure the doors were locked at night. And I’m the same person now—the only adult in every room.
I’m a stick in the mud, just like Connery. It’s then that it dawns on me how reckless I’ve grown, making choices that have put me smack in the middle of imminent danger. I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I wasn’t certain Connery would find me wherever I was and do all he could to bail me out if things went south.
It’s not a childhood he’s granted me exactly, but his hovering has made it possible for me to take chances. I don’t have to be the only adult in the room anymore.
“Can I tell you a secret?” I say to him quietly.
“I always want to know ye.”
Of course, he says the perfect thing. “My dream last night… I remember it.”
Connery swallows hard. “Aye. Me too. Didn’t know it was possible for me to see inside your head like tha.”
My voice is quiet. “Sometimes I wonder what you looked like as a man. I wish I hadn’t ruined my chance to see your other self.”
Would Connery lay in my arms just like this if he was a man? Would I let him? Or do I only let him this close because he’s a dog?
Connery goes quiet. “Every day, all day, I long to show ye.”
I change the subject back to fun stuff since I sense melancholy looming in the air.
“Then we’ll have our own house in the new empire—me, Seven, you, Bodhi, with an extra room for Jonathan when he visits. Though, if I get my way, Jonathan and Bodhi will share a room.” I waggle my eyebrows deviously.
Connery snorts, which sort of sounds like a sneeze. “I can only imagine how dramatic tha pairing might be. Bodhi doesn’t do trust gracefully.”
“Neither does Jonathan. Match made in Gay Heaven.”
Connery doesn’t leave my side through most of the rest of the day. We both hover around Bodhi, making sure he’s eating enough and resting in the sunshine. I don’t like how defeated he was last night. I never want to see him depleted like that again.
The only time Connery leaves me is to talk with Bodhi behind the house around dinnertime. I assume he’s trying to cajole Bodhi into porting him over with us, and I know the answer will be a firm, “fat chance,” thank goodness. I try to poke around inside Bodhi’s head to see what they’re talking about, but Bodhi throws up a wall so thick, I know he’s telling me to stop being nosey.
I heard the stirrings of an argument at one point, but they came back to us quiet, so hopefully they resolved whatever they were bickering about. But from then on, Bodhi won’t look at me, and he doesn’t speak much to anyone.
When the sun begins to set, Bodhi and I grow quiet, matching Felix’s disposition, who mostly communicates in grunts. Felix and Fritz kiss each other on the cheek when we’re gearing up to leave, and Connery licks my fingers.
Dawn hugs me and Queen Helena does the same, cupping my face before she steps back. “Come home soon. Yes?”
It’s the motherly care I didn’t have growing up, but dearly love when it’s aimed right at me, even though I am an adult. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Yes, Mom,” she corrects me. Then she kisses my forehead as emotion wells in my throat, stepping back with Dawn as they go into the house together.
Pavma nods at Felix. “You’ve got the map I drew you?”
Felix pats his pocket. “Aye. We’ll be back in no less than an hour.”
Pavma stands beside Fritz, the two of them watching us get situated while Connery steps toward us. He pauses at my feet, and I’m glad he’s not reaching out to touch us, begging to come along when the answer has been a firm no.
Bodhi stands between Felix and me, holding our hands with a quiet determination composing his usually caddish features. “Quiet now. No talking when we land. We don’t know how many soldiers are combing the grounds of the prison.”
I nod, squeezing Bodhi’s hand. “Then I should probably get it out of my system now that you are totally rocking those suspenders.”
Bodhi smirks at me, but there’s still that sadness lurking in his eyes that I’ve caught glimpses of throughout the evening.
Felix frowns at Bodhi. “I don’t care about your suspenders, so let’s get on with it.”
Oh, Felix. My sweet, obtuse workaholic.
Bodhi breathes a long inhale, so I do the same. On the in-breath, I see Fritz looking on Felix with unconcealed worry.
On the out-breath, Connery lunges forward, shocking me with his sudden movement.
The mountainside fades from view, and a giant stone building materializes in front of me through the thick smattering of trees surrounding us.
I can’t see much, but for the moonlight and the lanterns illuminating the grounds along the tall iron gate that stretches the expanse of the perimeter. I can make out Felix’s bulk, Bodhi’s lanky form, and the guilty glance he casts my way when he nods toward his feet. “Sorry, Zara,” he offers. “We have a stowaway.”
I straighten, my whisper irate. “Connery, are you kidding me with this? We agreed that you would stay on the mountain!”
Connery straightens, his paw on Bodhi’s shoe. “I agreed to no such thing. And I’m not going with ye into the prison, so I won’t be one extra person for Bodhi to have to keep invisible.”
“Then what are you doing here?” My whisper is sharp with displeasure.
Connery raises his maw. “I’m taking it back. Tha amulet ye wear with the souls of the women warrior shifter army? Well, Highbron still has the pieces of the amulet he used to imprison my ability to shift. I have my will back, but to be able to shift, I need the pieces of tha emerald. I can’t live like this any longer. I want to be able to shift, to not have him own any part of me.”
“Connery, it’s too dangerous! We have no plan for that! Do you think you can break into the palace and attack the king’s mage? That’s insanity! You’ll be captured and enslaved all over again, and that’s only if they decide not to have you executed! No!”
Connery speaks as if the decision is already made. “Do ye think it’s easy to be your dog? To love ye as I do and know tha the only thing I can be to ye is a crawling mutt? I’m a man, Zara. Ye want to know who I was when I was on two legs? Well, it’s time ye meet me the way ye should have known me from the start. I will not wait a moment more. I’ll return to this tree within the hour. If I’m not here, Bodhi knows he is to port ye back to the mountain, and I’ll make the trek there on my own.”
I panic at this horrible plan. “Bodhi would never agree to something so stupid! Not a chance.”
Bodhi addresses Connery and not me. “Go. I’ll keep her hidden. We’ll see you in an hour.”
With that, Connery races off into the darkness in the opposite direction of the prison, where I can see the palace looming half a mile to the left. The structure is tall and menacing gray stone, and far too large for Connery to get through without being seen by someone.
“I’m going to be sick,” I warn the guys, doubling over as horror washes through me. “You agreed to this?”
Bodhi looks guiltily at me but doesn’t apologize—not that I would want to hear it.
I lunge after Connery, who is charging away from us in the dark, but Bodhi catches me around the waist. “I agreed to not control Connery’s choices. He needs this, Zara. It kills him to only be a dog to you. You have to know he’s in love with you as a man, too.”
My face flushes with embarrassment. “That’s neither here nor there! You sent your best friend off to his death!”
“Don’t you think I feel bad enough about that prospect already? But in the end, his life is his own. I will not be yet another person telling him where to go and who to be. You and I have no idea the challenges he faces, not being beholden unto himself.” Bodhi’s grip on me tightens as I struggle to get to my dog. “Connery needs this! Can’t you see it? He needs to go find the missing part of himself. It’s not my decision to make.” Bodhi jerks me back. “And it’s not yours, either.”
I claw at the air, fighting to try and get to Connery to stop him from going down this horrible path with no backup and no way home if he’s late.
I don’t see Felix’s arm until it twists around me. He wrestles me to the grass with embarrassing ease, even through his “oof” when his knees creak. He growls in my ear, laying atop my back to press my front into the hard, barren earth, crushing the air from my lungs. “Listen to me, lass. I didn’t come on this quest to be found out because you’re sad your man left. I came here to free a mage and get out. There’ll be no noise coming from ye. Cry about it all ye want when we get home.”
I struggle fruitlessly a few more seconds but realize the futility in going up against Felix’s bulk. “Connery is going to die,” I whisper mournfully, my heart breaking in real time. “I need him to be okay!”
“Aye,” Felix whispers low in my ear. “And tha’s exactly what he’s seeing to tonight. He’s not okay without the missing piece of himself. Ye can’t decide his path for him, Goddess. He has to have a say in how he lifts his head day after day. Let him go and hope he returns. Tha’s all ye can do without controlling him, just as the king did.”
“That’s not what I’m…” I thrash harder, but to no avail. We waste precious seconds on my tantrum, but finally, Felix smooshes the fight from my lungs until I lay a limp and despondent noodle on the ground beneath him.
It’s a solid extra minute until Felix lets me up, but my body doesn’t feel right. I wonder if I’ll ever be normal again now that Connery is gone. I feel as if I’m going through the motions of movement, but my heart is broken and entirely elsewhere.
The three of us set off toward the prison, leaving Connery to go on his mission that can only lead to his death.
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Otherwise, Connery dies.
24
GOLDEN GIRL
Enjoy a Free Preview of Golden Girl, Book Four in the Crimshade Chronicles
Nature hates me tonight. I’ve tripped over three branches, and there’s no end in sight. The walk to the prison from the woods didn’t look all that long, but moving stealthily with one hand in Bodhi’s and the other swiping the tears off my cheeks makes the whole trek a little slower than anyone would like.
The landscape of Crimshade is grim, to say the least. Even if daylight could shine on the ground instead of the sliver of moonlight overhead, the only patches of greenery would be spongy moss dotting the hardened brown earth. It makes this place look a mix of depressing, hopeless, and the backdrop of a horror film.
“It’s alright, Zara darling,” Bodhi tells me in my mind. I cannot imagine he thinks I might believe him, or that anything will be okay ever again if Connery is captured.
“You know that’s not true,” I answer him in my head, thanking my lucky stars for the vonding charm that has still not faded. It was supposed to leave us minutes after it was cast, but being that the bond allows us to communicate psychically, I don’t mind that it’s been strengthening for weeks. Bodhi cast the spell to allow him to feed off my lifeforce when his magic ran dry, which only affects me negatively if we’re not holding hands.
I grip his hand tighter.
Yet another thing that wasn’t supposed to happen in Crimshade.
The first being that Connery and I weren’t supposed to separate. I look after him. He looks after me. We have a good thing going.
Stupid me opening my stupid mouth.
I didn’t understand why Connery was upset with me before when Bodhi and I went off to steal the king’s treasures without him, but now that my gigantic shifter dog has gone off without me to find his destiny, I understand just how horribly powerless I must’ve made him feel.
I shouldn’t have told Connery that I wonder what his man form looks like. That clinched it, I’m sure. That’s why he ported off the mountain with us, and no doubt why he is on his quest to steal the broken pieces of the emerald from Highbron, the king’s mage. That jewel contains his ability to shift.
I hate this.
I hate burying people, and part of me is certain that Connery has sealed his fate of an early death, all so I could sate my curiosity to know both sides of him.
This is why I suck at relationships. I don’t know how to think things through, so I say the wrong thing and it all falls apart.
Connery’s promise to me finds my lips as I whisper into the darkness after him, “Wherever you are, there will I be.”
Felix grunts almost inaudibly since we’re trying to keep our presence incognito over here. Thankfully, we’re invisible, but I’m sure that won’t be the ace in the hole we’re all hoping.
We need to bust a mage out of the prison. That’s job one. Though there might be more mages locked up, once Felix rips the cell door off its hinges, we’re sure to draw the attention of the guards, so one is all we’ll get this time around.
Job two is restoring the stolen magic to the liberated mage, which is floating around inside me. I didn’t expect Garlan’s gold ring to contain stolen magic he’d taken from unsuspecting mages for decades and decades, but when the gold melted and spread over the left side of my face, the pilfered magic sank into me. I need to return it, one mage at a time.
Job three is porting the mage we free back to the mountain, where the others are waiting for us, hoping we don’t die in the process.
Simple.
At least, that’s what I tell myself. I can’t stand thinking about Princess Dawn and Queen Helena risking themselves trying to go up against the king without the backup we’re trying to provide them. I don’t want to think of Dawn frightened.
In fact, I’m trying not to think of her at all. I find that beautiful women are sort of my kryptonite, and I can’t afford to be compromised at the moment.
We have a job to do.
Three, in fact.
Bodhi squeezes my hand, letting me know that he hears my worry. “Dawn, eh?” he says in my mind just to tease me.
“Like you can’t see me drooling for her.” I roll my eyes at him, but I’m sure some of the effect is lost in the dark.
Bodhi keeps us invisible as we walk, but when we get inside, we’re going to be relying on Felix’s obvious muscle to rip the cell door off its hinges. Bodhi, Felix, Fritz, and Connery were orphans, with the latter three being stolen from their homeland when it was vanquished by the wicked King Artifice. They are the only three left alive from Irlandiya, so it is no surprise to me that they are willing to risk it all to take down the king.
The closed-off and often grumpy Felix (a stark contrast to his charming goofball brother Fritz) is precious to me. Maybe it started when I shielded him against being whipped by a soldier on V’Yazen Island where he and Fritz were imprisoned. Maybe it’s the way he sleeps upright so he’s ready to defend the household should anything come for us in the night.
