Love Hate Love, page 18
“Which means ye would’ve cheated on Tate,” she said.
I pressed my lips together, already well aware of that, which meant I needed to drop Tate, even if Nico didn’t want me. Because I didn’t want to be a cheat, and Nico wasn’t going to turn me into one either.
***
Tate didn’t take the break up well the following day, not letting up on trying to find out what he’d done wrong. The problem was, he hadn’t done anything wrong, I had. But instead of confessing about what had happened in my apartment with Nico, I ran like a coward. In the end it didn’t make a difference, because he found me later that morning. I saw him before Josh and Julia did. Josh was sitting across from me, texting on his phone, while Julia was next to me. She’d boxed me in so I couldn’t escape her questions, questions that had all gone unanswered... until now, because with the way Tate was glaring at me, she was going to find out everything.
Tate stormed over to our cafeteria table, not caring that students were staring at him as he let loose on me. “Nico said you told him that you were falling for him!” he snapped. “Is that true?”
I lowered my eyes, my cauldron full of shame bubbling up and spilling over.
Julia gasped, while Josh swore. He was probably the one who’d texted Tate, telling him where I was. But it was Julia who spoke first.
“Kady!” she said. “Why would you say that?!”
I kept my head down, still too ashamed to answer.
“And he said he turned you down,” Tate continued. “Is that true, too?”
I nodded, keeping my eyes locked onto the table, the tears already starting to well up.
“I should’ve listened to my gut,” Tate said. “Should’ve known you were just using me to get over Nico.”
“I didn’t mean to.” I forced myself to look up at him. “I honestly tried to move on from him.”
“Move on from him?” Tate said, staring at me in disbelief. “You have nothing to move on from, Kady. You didn’t date him, well, that’s what he told me. He also told me that he didn’t even kiss you. So, unless he’s lying, what have you got to move on from?”
“He’s not lying, but you lied. Nico said that you told him I slept with you when I haven’t.”
Tate grimaced, a show of guilt filtering through his anger. “I regret saying that. I wanted to hurt the psycho because I thought you actually meant something to him. I was wrong. You’re just like all the other girls he’s strung along. He treats all of you like shit, but you throw yourselves at his feet, begging for more. Yet when a guy treats you girls right, what do you do? You treat that guy like shit, like you did to me,” he said, indicating between us. “You led me on, pretending to return my feelings, but I won’t let you do it anymore. It’s over, we’re done.” He spun around and stormed off, acting like he was breaking up with me, not having already been dumped a few hours ago.
Josh pushed out of his seat, muttering, “You’re a real piece of work,” at me.
Julia shot up like a bolt of lightning. “It’s your boy who lied to Nico about Kady,” she yelled at him. “He’s the piece of work.”
Josh shook his head at her with a slight sneer, then took off after Tate.
“Boys!” She slumped back down next to me. “How did you even get into this mess? Because Tate was right about one thing, you never dated Nico.”
“But I should’ve,” I said, feeling utterly miserable. “But I was too pig-headed, focusing on what I considered faults in him, ignoring all of the good things. I hurt him, that’s why he’s lashing out, and I’ve also hurt Tate. This is all my fault.” I clapped my hands over my face right before bursting into tears.
“Oh, honey,” Julia said, lowering my head to her shoulder. “What’s done is done, you can’t change it, other than move on.”
“That’s what I tried to do with Tate, and look where that got me.” I wiped my eyes. “I just don’t understand. I kept pushing Nico away, then when he finally leaves, I want to pull him back.”
“Stop blaming yourself so much, I kept at you to get rid of him. Josh and Tate did the same. It’s not all your fault, Kady. We all contributed, though I don’t regret it, other than the part where you got hurt, because, Kady, Nico is no good for you. He’s toxic. He treats girls like shit, fucks them then moves on, not caring about all the hearts he’s breaking, like your heart. He truly doesn’t care. Do you really want that in your life?”
I didn’t say no, although I mentally thought it. I knew I shouldn’t want Nico. There were too many negatives on paper when it came to him, with not enough positives to balance them out. But my torturous mind didn’t care what looked good on paper, all it cared about was what it wanted.
And that was Nico.
~
14 ~
The fallout of my breakup with Tate didn’t just affect me, it ricocheted into Julia’s relationship like a stray bullet hitting her in the heart. Later that day, Julia and Josh had their first major fight, a real blow up that ended in Julia storming out of their apartment and into mine.
She flopped onto my bed, snarling at Annabelle as she stepped out of her room. For once, Annabelle didn’t poke and prod her, instead backing up, throwing an apologetic glance my way before closing her door.
I sat down next to Julia, asking her what had happened. She cried and yelled, cried some more, did even more yelling to a point where I had to tell her to keep it down.
“That’s what Josh said, but I didn’t keep it down for him, so I’m not keeping it down for you either,” she ranted, “especially after I defended you. Josh was calling you the nastiest names. I wouldn’t stand for it.” She hit the bed with a fist. “I told him to leave, then I realised he couldn’t because I’d be left alone with Tate, so I told them both to go jump in the sea. I even threw some of Josh’s clothes in there.”
I winced, picturing it, Julia’s apartment on the waterfront.
“God!” She let out a high-pitched scream that split my eardrums, then went quiet, looking like she was going to start crying again.
“I’m sorry, Jules, and you shouldn’t be fighting with Josh over me.”
Her blue eyes flashed angrily. “He called you a stripper groupie. There was no way I was going to let that fly. He also called you other names I refuse to repeat, and to think I thought Nico was nasty. When Josh gets going, he’s got an even worse mouth on him. He’s also a bully, constantly demanding that I do things his way. He thinks he’s always right when the moron’s usually wrong. That’s why he never got into Fine Arts school, he’s a dumb arse. Tate said that Josh barely scraped through NCEA, which makes sense, since he’s doing terrible in Art History. I tried to help him once with an essay but got yelled at. He thought I was putting him down when all I was doing was trying to make him understand that he needed to structure his essay otherwise he’d get a poor mark. How is that a put down? I also have no idea why he’s even trying to get into Fine Arts school because his style’s not the right fit. He may be a talented designer, but only for tattoos, not art galleries. He should’ve gone to tech, or gotten an apprenticeship at a tattoo parlour, because he’s not cut out for uni. He’s also not cut out for relationships. He doesn’t know how to compromise let alone treat a girl. No wonder he used to be mates with Nico. And Tate...” She growled. “Telling Nico that he’d slept with you? What a bastard! It’ll be why Nico turned you down. He probably thinks you’re playing both him and Tate.”
“Nico didn’t turn me down because of that, he turned me down because he’s mad I called him abnormal.”
“But he is abnormal, like all boys. They aren’t normal like girls. They think they can say and do whatever they please because they have the almighty cock, and we should bow down to them like second-class citizens.” She blew out a derisive sound, her sarcastic tone in full swing, though her face crumbled a second later, her bottom lip starting to wobble. “Why do they have to be like that? Why do they torture us? I thought Josh was different, but he’s not, yet I still want him. I love him so much. What have I done to deserve this?”
I grimaced, knowing all of her yelling had been a bluff. “Like what I did. I pushed Nico away and he got nasty.”
“But I didn’t push Josh, he started this. I also couldn’t let him get away with calling you names, or demanding that I stop seeing you.”
My eyes widened. “He did, what?”
“He told me that I had to stop being your friend, so I told him if I did that, he had to stop being Tate’s friend. He said he couldn’t because Tate lives with us, acting all smarmy, thinking he’d one-upped me, so I snapped back that I could fix that by kicking Tate out. The bastard threw my Venetian vase across the room in response.” She hit the bed again. “I loved that vase!”
“Kick him out. You don’t have to put up with that, it’s your place, not his. Also, kick Tate out if you don’t want him there.”
She shook her head. “I was bluffing about Tate. I actually like living with him. Not only does he do all the dishes and laundry, the apartment is spotless, not one mote of dust. I think he’s got OCD or something, especially with the way he arranges things. He’s also the peacemaker when Josh loses his temper. Even though he was upset with what you did, he was the one trying to calm Josh down. He even told Josh off for calling you names. Though, I’m still sorry for thrusting him onto you. I should’ve known you weren’t into him. He’s just so cute and nice, I thought you’d come around to him, especially now that he’s beefed up. You should see him with his top off. Actually, you probably already have—”
“No, I haven’t,” I said, cutting her off. “And how come you saw him like that?”
“He swims a lot in the complex’s pool, but we’re getting off track. Regardless of whether he’s a cutie-pie or not, I could still tell that you wanted Nico, it’s just... Nico’s bad news. I just wish you’d forget him.”
“I wish I could, too.” I breathed out. “I really do.”
***
The next day was uncomfortable to say the least. Everyone stared at me as I entered the Studio 1.1 class with Julia, what Tate had said about me spreading like wildfire. Though, the one person who didn’t look my way was Nico, but that was probably because he’d nodded off. His forehead was resting on his arm, his hair a tangled mass of curls.
I headed for my usual seat at the back of the class, not appreciating the glances that my classmates were still throwing my way. Or the way they whispered into each other’s ears, the story probably changing from one person to the next, Chinese Whispers in full swing. It was why I was glad when class ended, but even less happy at the following one, where I had to contend with a lecture hall full of students, my anxiety quadrupling. It didn’t help that when we walked in both Josh and Tate looked our way, then looked away. Julia muttered something under her breath as we slid into some seats a few rows down from them.
Then Nico walked in, for once without a girl hanging off his arm, though it didn’t look like he wanted to socialise with his messy appearance as well as the way he kept his head down. He looked tired, the dark rings under his eyes and the grass stains on his jeans concerning me. It made me wonder whether he’d slept rough last night.
He slumped into a seat a couple of rows in front of us and immediately laid his forehead on his arms, looking like he wanted to sleep in this class too. But as soon as the lecturer began talking, he pulled out his pad and started taking notes. I also tried to take notes, but kept finding my gaze drawn to him. I watched as his back tensed as he wrote, his writing punctuated by stifled yawns.
Julia elbowed me, “Stop staring at Nico, and concentrate on the lecture. We’re not failing because of stupid boys.”
I smiled at that, though I barely got a line or two down. All I wanted to do was leave, getting as far away from Nico as possible, because seeing him was making me want to cry or beg for his forgiveness, to tell him that I shouldn’t have called him a liar or abnormal, that he was worth so much more than my insensitive, callous remarks. I wanted to gain his trust back, to get him to see that I no longer cared about what other people thought about him or me, only what he thought about me.
Which was why as soon as the lecture had finished, I slid out of my row whiplash fast so I could wait for him outside. Julia followed on my heels, growling at the sight of Josh blocking the doorway. After her talk with me the previous day, she’d returned to her apartment, packed a bag and left, telling Josh that she needed a break from him to decide whether their relationship was worth putting up with his antagonistic behaviour. I didn’t think it was, and had told her so, but she’d told me that I could hardly comment considering my track record with Nico.
Looking nervous, Josh approached us. “Can we please talk, Jules?” he asked, for once being courteous, his gunmetal eyes almost begging her.
Julia lifted her chin in a defiant manner. “For what? For you to slate my best friend again. No thank you very much.” She did a little wobble of her head, then slipped past him, strutting out of the hall like Beyoncé minus the curves. Josh practically tripped over himself to run after her.
Tate took Josh’s place. “Good going, Kady, you destroyed two relationships in one hit.”
I hugged my folder of notes to my chest, really hoping he wasn’t going to make a scene again. “I never meant to hurt you, Tate, you’ve got to believe me.”
“Don’t apologise to him,” a voice came from behind me.
I turned to find Nico glaring over my shoulder at Tate, those rings under his eyes even darker up close. It looked like he hadn’t slept for a week.
Tate tensed. “Stay out of this, Bilan.”
“Not when you’re spouting nasty shit about Kady all over campus,” Nico growled.
“Then, maybe she shouldn’t be leading me on while sucking your dick,” Tate snapped back loud enough for people to hear, and they were definitely listening in, quite a few students hanging around.
Horrified, I went to defend myself. “I never—”
Nico cut me off, saying it for me, “You know I haven’t had sex with Kady, and unlike you, I wouldn’t lie about doing it with her.”
Tate sneered at him. “I can’t take your word or hers, you’ve both proven to be liars. For all I know, you could’ve been revenge fucking her behind my back, making me pay for all the imaginary crap you think I did to you.”
“And you think I’m paranoid? Looks like you’re just as mental as I am,” Nico said, reaching past me to tap Tate’s head.
Tate smacked Nico’s hand away. “I’m not the mental one, you psycho!”
“You wanna see psycho?” Nico yelled back. “I’ll give you psycho!”
He pushed me aside and shoved Tate against the wall. His fist was in Tate’s face before I could scream. Tate lifted his hands to protect himself, but Nico punched him again, the crunch of bone sounding loud in the lecture hall. Tate hollered in pain, desperately trying to escape Nico, but instead got thrown to the floor, blood gushing from his nose. Nico went to kick him, but I grabbed his arm, screaming at him to stop. He did, his angry expression clearing, fear replacing it as he looked down at Tate lying on the floor, bloodied and groaning, clutching what was most likely a broken nose.
Nico lifted his hands to his head and swore, then took off out the door, sprinting across the lawn. I ran after him, but he was too fast. It didn’t matter because I had a feeling where he was going, which was where he’d gone the last time he’d gotten into trouble.
I jogged to the strip joint, too worried to be embarrassed about entering it, but the front door was closed. So, I went to the back, finding that door unlocked. I headed down the same corridor that I’d walked through when Nico was drunk, entering the room with the bed. Nico was lying on it with his hands over his face. He bolted upright at the creak of the door, looking like a cornered animal until he saw me. He let out a loud exhale and swung his legs over the side of the bed, but remained seated.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I was worried about you,” I said, not sure if I should approach him. The way he was looking at me was off, his freaky eyes wild. I wondered whether he’d taken some drugs, or if it was just fear of the cops coming down on him.
“You’re worried about me?” he said, sounding like he hadn’t heard right. “It’s your boyfriend who got busted up.”
“You know Tate’s not my boyfriend anymore, and he’s not the person I care for. You are.”
Nico pulled a face and shook his head. “Haven’t you learned anything from me? I’m an arsehole, a complete cunt, look what I did to Tate,” he waved a hand at me “and what I did to you. I hurt you worse than him, didn’t I?”
I didn’t reply, a yes not what he needed right now.
“Yeah, I thought so,” he said, dropping his gaze to the floor, “but it’s for your own good. Like everyone says, I’m nuts, not to mention a man-whore. You don’t need that in your life.”
He mumbled something else, looking so dejected that I wanted to cuddle him, do anything to make him feel better. So, I dropped my bag and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to him, which unfortunately caused him to tense up.
Pushing my own fears aside, I placed a tentative hand on his back, his jacket also having grass stains. “It’s not about what I need,” I said, definitely getting the impression he’d slept outside. “It’s about what I want.”
He shook his head, appearing frustrated with me. “Why do you have to make this so hard?”
“What do you mean?”
“When you said you were falling for me, I didn’t turn you down to be nasty. It was hard saying those words to you, but I needed to do it, because you deserve better. Because you’re right, I’m not normal.”
I lowered my hand. “Normal is boring,” I replied, his reason for pushing me away hitting me in the heart.
“You didn’t seem to think that when you were putting me down, telling Annabelle everything that was wrong with me. All the things you didn’t want in a boyfriend.”
I grimaced. “I was fooling myself, I’ve always wanted you, but if you don’t want me, so be it. Just let me be there for you as a friend, like Annabelle’s always there for you.”
