Forbidden Rome, page 15
“You just can’t seem to follow protocol here, and it disturbs me. I heard that your first interview did not go well. Thankfully, Father Laterno took pity on you.”
“I apologize for my lack of insight concerning my dress, and you are right; I should have figured this out on my own. But, Father, this experience today has reinforced some of my doubts about the priesthood.”
“I see, and what, exactly, does that mean?”
“I suppose it means that I would rather not commit to candidacy at this moment.”
“Is that so? Well, that is quite disappointing. You realize that is the whole point of being here, don’t you?”
“Yes, Father. I also know that we are in the process of discerning God’s will. Someone who chooses candidacy should be certain of their vocation. I’m just not sure that I’m there yet,” Miguel responded honestly.
“I see. A word of warning, Miguel – you ought to tread very carefully. You are on thin ice here at the North American College.” All at once, Father rose and left the room. Miguel sat in shock. Mulling over all that had transpired during the last few hours, he thought, this place is positively bizarre. Miguel understood that his tenure at NAC was far from certain. But he genuinely believed that he was authentic to the discernment process. The worst thing one could do was to go through the motions mindlessly. No, if he was to choose the priesthood, he had to be sure. Miguel needed more time to reflect upon it.
Chapter Twenty-One
Candidacy
The day before the ceremony, the doorman phoned Anthony to tell him that he had a guest. That’s odd, he thought; he wasn’t expecting anyone. On the other hand, there had been many unannounced visitors during the months he’d been in Rome. Anthony bounded out of the building and across the driveway. When he opened the door to reception, his jaw dropped.
“Maria, what are you doing here?” Anthony howled as he wrapped Maria in his arms.
“It’s candidacy tomorrow, isn’t it? How could I possibly miss such an important milestone for my boys?”
“Oh, we’re your boys now, are we?”
“Of course, you are. You look wonderful, Anthony. How are you, honey?”
“I’m doing great now that you’re here! This is the best gift ever! Wait until the guys see you! Come on upstairs.”
They noisily burst into Kevin’s room with laughter and excitement. Miguel was lying back on the bed with a glass of Baileys in his hand. As soon as he heard her voice, he froze. A flurry of emotions flooded his heart.
“Maria!” Kevin sang in a high-pitched voice. “What are you doing here?” he said as he wrapped her in his arms. “I guess you missed us.”
“I’m here for your big day!” Maria turned her head and addressed Miguel. “Hey gorgeous, what? No hug?”
“I, I’m just stunned,” he said as he slowly stood.
“Come here, handsome.” She kissed him on the cheek and turned to the others. “So, you’re actually surprised? No one let it slip?”
“Who did you plan this with?” Anthony asked as it gradually dawned on him. “Carlos! He has been incredibly tight-lipped. He never said a word.”
“Well, that’s nothing new,” Kevin said under his breath. The two of them had cooled off considerably after their time in Paris. Hearing the commotion, Carlos entered the room to more shouts of joy. They passed around the Baileys and made dinner plans.
To celebrate, they chose an upscale restaurant in Trastevere called Romolo. The seminarians loved to tell the local lore, and Romolo had a great story. Legend has it that Raphael, the Renaissance painter, used to meet his paramour in that building. The evening was filled with laughter and good food. The guys splurged, having both primo and secondo dishes, the pasta and the meat course.
The wine was plentiful as usual, and of course, they polished off the complimentary digestivi that were left on the table at the end of the meal. Miguel and Maria sat beside one another with their legs pressed together. They had written and spoken several times since their time in Paris, and Miguel had been honest about his confusion.
Maria didn’t understand why he was vacillating so much. In her limited experience, she knew that Miguel was the best man she had ever been with. At the same time, however, Maria was only a junior in college.
She was certainly not ready for a life-long commitment and didn’t want him to make his decision solely based on their relationship. The festive party continued as they walked along the Tiber back toward NAC. Stories of their recent vacation in Paris came alive in their alcohol-induced haze. It was a crisp cold evening with stars in the sky and lights reflecting off the river – the water almost looked clean. As they reached the bottom of the Janiculum hill, Miguel turned to Maria.
“Are you staying at the same pensione as last time, near the Vatican?”
“The very same.”
“Let me walk you home,” he said as he offered her his arm. No one questioned it when they peeled off from the group and waved goodbye. They were quiet for a few minutes when finally, they both began to speak at once.
“Maria, let me explain...”
“Miguel, it’s okay, I…”
“I know this doesn’t make sense. Honestly, I get it. I’m fucked up,” Miguel said.
“Look, Miguel, this is an impossible situation,” Maria continued. “You’ve dreamed about becoming a priest your whole life, and then I come flying in and turn your world upside down. I never expected you to give everything up for me.” She said.
“Hey, I still might want to – I mean – give everything up for you,” Miguel responded.
“Seriously, Miguel, we hardly know each other. But, honestly, I’ve never met anyone quite like you.”
“I can certainly say the same about you. The fact that you have had such a huge effect on me after so little time together means something. Clearly, I have some important decisions to make.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to upend your world, honey. I really just wanted to celebrate with my boys.”
“Your boys?” he said with a smile. “I believe you, Maria. But seeing you now is making my head hurt.”
“So, I give you a headache?” she joked.
“No, I mean – I need more time to figure this out, Maria. I’m just not ready yet.”
“Hey, Miguel,” she stopped and turned him to face her. “No pressure. This is your life we are talking about. We have all the time in the world to figure out if there is something real between us. In the meantime, can’t you just enjoy this moment?”
“I’m not sure, Maria. Tomorrow night is the first step toward priesthood. It’s when the Church officially accepts us as candidates for the priesthood. It’s a big deal.”
“But it’s not a vow, is it?”
“No, but,” his voice trailed off. He hadn’t told Maria yet. “Listen, the guys don’t know this yet, but I’m not going through with candidacy.”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Totally. I am still not sure about you and me, or my vocation to the priesthood. But I do know that I have to act with integrity. If I go through with candidacy tomorrow, I’d be lying to everyone there, lying to God, and myself. I can’t live with that,” Miguel replied.
“You see, this is why I’m so enchanted by you. Who else talks like that? Who else cares about integrity as deeply as you?” she said.
“So, I enchant you?” He bent his head and kissed her.
“Yeah, you do,” she said breathlessly.
They continued their walk and chatted more about the meaning of his decision and about the repercussions that would inevitably ensue. The more he spoke to Maria, the more secure Miguel became in his decision.
“Here we are, honey,” she said as they stood at the pensione’s door. Are you going to be alright?”
“Yeah, sure. I’m glad you’re here, Maria.”
“Me too. Get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow, probably more so now that you are not going through the ceremony.”
She got on her toes and kissed him gently on the lips. Miguel wanted more but knew he couldn’t go there. Even though his relationship with Maria was a part of his decision, it was only one factor in his great dilemma. He couldn’t let himself get distracted. As he gazed into her open and trusting eyes, he was amazed by Maria’s easy acceptance of his continuing struggle. But he could tell that she was hoping for their relationship to develop further and, actually, so was he.
The next morning Miguel snuck out of NAC before breakfast and ran down to Campo de Fiori. The chilly January air caused him to see his breath as he jogged down the hill. Throughout the narrow alleyways, he zig-zagged toward the piazza. Even though it was early in the morning, the market was bustling with activity. He made a bee-line to the first flower stall he spotted and chose the most beautiful bouquet to give to Maria. He hoped that they would show her how much he still cared about her. He needed her to know that he didn’t take her patience with his indecision for granted. Feeling content, Miguel was lost in his thoughts as he made his way back toward NAC.
Unfortunately, at the bottom of the Janiculum hill, he ran into the vice-rector. “Hello, Miguel. What are you doing out so early today?” Father Connick asked.
“I just woke up early and needed to get some fresh air,” Miguel responded to the vice-rector.
“It’s a beautiful morning for a walk. That’s a beautiful bouquet of flowers, red roses too. Who are they for?” Father Connick asked.
He couldn’t lie. All of his talk about integrity would mean nothing if he did. “They are for Anthony’s college friend, Maria. She surprised us for candidacy.”
“Ah, that seems awfully romantic for a friend of a friend.” There was a pregnant pause and then, “Do you have feelings for her?” Father asked.
“Yes, I do. But we’re not dating or anything. We’ve just become close.” Technically, that was not a lie, but he was undoubtedly obfuscating the truth.
“Close enough to give her red roses? Miguel, what are you doing? I believe you are making things more difficult for yourself. You’re simply adding to your confusion by tugging at your heart this way. How can you discern your vocation if you are constantly being distracted?”
“I’m sorry, Father Connick. I realize that I’m a bit of a mess right now. I’m not quite sure where any of this is going. But believe me when I say that I am still committed to my discernment process. I haven’t let go of my desire to become a priest. I just need a bit more time.”
“Miguel, I believe you. But this is not a discussion to be had at the foot of the Janiculum. We will speak at length during our next appointment.”
Miguel watched Father Connick continue on his way and shook his head. He just couldn’t get a break. It was just his luck to be caught buying flowers for a girl on the day of candidacy. He knew that this would get around to the rest of the faculty before the day was over.
***
The chandeliers twinkled along the chapel’s nave, the ten-foot candles on the main altar were lit, and the fragrance of incense filled the air.
The grand organ sounded its fanfare before the choir of men’s voices filled the sacred space inviting the long procession of candidates to come forward.
The ceremony was one of the most beautiful that Maria had ever seen. She and Anthony had been actively involved in campus ministry back at Fordham University, so she had taken part in some really great liturgies. But this was at a completely different level, the awe-inspiring solemnity of it overwhelmed her. It wasn’t just any liturgy.
This one looked toward the future of each of these men as ordained priests. The men before her would be presiding over Mass in the not so distant future. She gazed at each one of her boys, as she affectionately referred to them. They were all handsomely dressed in their black suits, French cuffs, and formal clerical collars. They had an air of holiness that she had never seen before.
One by one, they were called by name and ascended the steps to face the archbishop. Individually, each stood before him as he accepted them as candidates for holy orders, blessed them, and embraced them. Maria cried as she watched her dear Anthony enter the next phase in his life. Then Kevin went up, and she glanced at Miguel’s expressionless face. He sat like a statue as he watched his best friends move on toward the priesthood.
She wasn’t sure what her tears meant, but her heart ached for Miguel and what might be. The party afterward was one that could only be put on by NAC. The refectory was transformed. Tables were set with delicate linen cloths, silverware bearing the crest of the North American College, and a prominent spray of red roses as the centerpiece. It was a lavish affair with an elegant dinner, including five courses paired with fine wines. After all the drama leading up to their candidacy, they let loose and partied, including Maria.
As the evening turned to early morning, some of them began dancing and singing along with the music. All of their quarrels with the Church, with NAC, and with each other were forgotten for one festive evening. And they were all grateful for it. That was until they had all gone off to bed.
Miguel was dead tired and more than a little drunk when he got to his room. He was emotionally drained and wanted nothing more than to close his eyes. After his clothes were shed and piled at the foot of the bed, Miguel got under the covers. He drifted off to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Not long after, he awoke to hear a faint knock on the door. He thought he was imagining things and turned toward the wall to get comfortable again. He heard it again and could see the light from the hall brighten his room as the door opened. Who the hell can that be?
“Miguel, are you awake?” a drunken voice asked as he sat beside him on the bed.
“I am now,” he said with annoyance. Miguel rolled over and saw that it was Father Connick. He moved closer to the wall to put more space between them. “What are you doing in my room, Father?”
“I was watching you all evening, and I know you are going through an emotional time right now,” he said, placing his hand on Miguel’s thigh. “I just want you to know that you have a friend in me.”
“Father, this is not okay. You need to get out of my room.” Miguel said.
“Look, Miguel, you can trust me. I can smooth things over for you. I can be your advocate during the evaluation process,” Father Connick said as he rubbed Miguel’s thigh. Miguel bolted upright and spoke with a low measured voice.
“Stop touching me and get out of my room, or you’ll be sorry. I mean it, Connick – Now!” Connick was startled by the tone in his voice. He stood abruptly and had to regain his balance. This was a foolish mistake. Miguel was a lost cause, he thought as he quickly exited the room.
But from that moment on, Miguel’s future at NAC was all but sealed. The faculty were compiling a file on him and were just waiting for him to stumble once again. He knew that this was his last chance to turn the tides. However, Miguel would never let that happen. If he were anybody else, he would have allowed Connick to have what he wanted. But just thinking about it turned his stomach. Beyond the fact that he was coming on to a straight guy, Connick used his authority to get what he wanted. It was a clear case of sexual harassment – a blatant abuse of power. His body trembled with anger as it sunk in, his fists in balls. “Goddammit! This place is really fucked up.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Final Exams
Finals followed shortly after candidacy, and a thick fog of worry covered the NAC. Having no idea what to expect, the new men were incredibly anxious. Each of them had meetings with the academic dean to make sure that they were studying and knew the gravity of their exams.
Unlike the American system, the pontifical universities had no papers or midterms. There was only one shot at passing a course. At the Greg, students had to take one-third of the tests in written form, one-third orally, and the final third was of their choosing.
The oral exams were only thirty minutes long, and the professor could ask anything from the entire semester.
Even though Anthony had done well as an undergraduate, his academic insecurity reared its ugly head. He was surrounded by some of the brightest students he’d ever encountered. When discussions and debates arose, he felt totally inadequate. His classmates could pull names and dates out of nowhere. They were adept at parsing philosophical theories and applying them to the issue at hand. Anthony was better at writing a thoughtful response but had difficulty keeping up when heated debates would erupt. He believed that the faculty at NAC did not consider him a serious student. It was true that he often let his emotions get in the way of a well-reasoned argument. Throughout the first semester, Monsignor Connick, who was from Anthony’s home diocese, met with him to gauge his progress. He asked how many hours he studied a day and if he had study partners. Connick regularly checked to see if Anthony had done all the reading. Although Connick was trying to be supportive, Anthony believed he was being treated like a child, and he resented the attention.
February 1st arrived in a blink of an eye. Exams had begun, and Anthony was beside himself with worry. The constant blows to his intellectual ego had chipped away at his confidence. He never believed he was an intellectual giant, but knew he was smart. In any case, he found himself at a loss during the many study groups that took place during the last few weeks of January. What made him feel worse was that both Kevin and Miguel seemed to run circles around him. They were able to explain abstract moral theories and systematic theology as if they were ordering off a menu. And although Anthony understood the material, he found it difficult to summon the correct terminology to explain it.
His familiarity with the notes from each class should have eased his anxiety, but he wasn’t confident that he had done enough. Anthony had been negligent with the hundreds of pages of reading. And while he could quote his notes from memory, he was woefully behind in the text.
