Forbidden Rome, page 12
Sean was just coming down to the second floor when he spotted Kevin sneaking out of Carlos’s room. He paused and watched as he silently closed the door and tip-toed back into his own room. Most of the seminarians were still deep into nap time – the crisp click of the door latch broke the heavy silence echoing down the hall. What was he doing in there with Carlos? Had they spent the last two hours in bed together? Sean could feel his anger surging to the surface. How could Carlos do this to him? After all the relationship struggles during their first year, he thought they had come to a workable solution to their mutual attraction.
Sean loved Carlos and wanted nothing more than to sleep with him. He would have done so months ago had Carlos not denied him. Although Carlos sought to follow the Church laws regarding a celibate priesthood, Sean wasn’t so sure. The Church didn’t even recognize that most of their clergy were gay. The teaching that love between two men was evil made his blood boil.
The Church’s hypocrisy on this and so many other issues allowed Sean to develop his own moral code. Some of the Church’s teaching seemed illogical and archaic. Sean believed that a celibate priesthood was one of those.
There were endless discussions regarding the importance of celibacy and the need to forge relationships of chaste intimacy. What did that really mean? It was just another platitude to justify a practice that was never meant to be. What would be so wrong with a married clergy? What is so wrong with the gay clergy? Sean raised these questions often, but Carlos would not entertain them. There was no use debating something that wasn’t likely to change.
Carlos believed that if they allowed nothing more physical than a hug, the temptation would not lead them further. Any thought of sex would simply complicate their lives and lead them away from their vocations to the priesthood. For Sean, it was a constant struggle.
He longed to be with Carlos, touch him, kiss him, and make love to him. Each time they hugged, he would breathe in his scent and imagine what it would be like to hold him throughout the night. He took every opportunity that arose to be physically near him or to touch him. But he was always careful to make it look as innocent as possible. He knew that his fellow seminarians had eyes like hawks. They were always looking for some sign of those forbidden particular friendships. He was just as careful when he and Carlos were alone. He didn’t want Carlos to have any excuse to put distance between them for fear of his sexual desires.
Maybe I’ve been too aloof; taken the platonic friendship act a little too far, he thought. I may have inadvertently left the door open for Kevin. Regardless, at that moment, he was just angry. He couldn’t imagine any other reason for Kevin to be with Carlos during the siesta, and if his sneaky behavior was indicative of anything, it was of his guilt. Sean didn’t know what to do next. If he knocked on Carlos’s door now, he’d likely suspect that he saw Kevin. Sean couldn’t pretend that he saw nothing – he’d be deceiving himself. He turned to head back to his own room when he felt a flash of anger well up within him.
No, Sean needed to confront Carlos now – give him the chance to explain or defend himself. He turned back and marched with determination. He knocked more forcefully than he had intended, and it echoed down the marble hall.
Carlos opened the door with a look of fear on his face. Had someone seen Kevin slip out of his room? He was relieved to see his good friend, Sean, staring back at him.
“Sean, thank God. What’s wrong? You seem upset.”
“Mind if I come in?” Not waiting for a response, he walked past him. He scanned the room, and his eyes landed on the rumpled bed covers. He looked at Carlos with a mixture of pain and anger. “I saw Kevin leave your room a few minutes ago. What’s going with you two? Did the sexy new man seduce you?”
“What? No. I... listen, Sean. Nothing happened between us,” Carlos said. He was taken aback by the accusation, but felt the twinge of guilt creep in.
The tone of Sean’s voice startled him – he had never seen him this angry. “Are you really going to lie right to my face? I saw him, acting as guilty as sin. And look at your bed.”
“Come on, Sean. Stop this. Sit down and let’s talk, okay?” Carlos pleaded.
“I think I’ll just stand. Thank you very much. So tell me, what is really going on between you and Kevin?”
“Sean, believe me, we did not have sex. We were just talking and, well –”
“Well, what? Did you kiss him?”
“Yes. We kissed, but nothing more. I promise.”
“But you wanted to, didn’t you? I can tell by how you look at him. You practically have to wipe the drool from your chin.”
“I’m sorry,” Carlos replied. “Kevin is totally infatuated with me, and yes, he’s a stud. And even if I wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“No? Come on, how could you resist him? He’s incredibly sexy, and he wants you.”
“Sean, please sit down.” Sean reluctantly moved to the bed and sat facing Carlos. His anger was beginning to abate, but sadness was in its stead. He was hurt.
“I thought you and I had something here – that we were more than friends,” Sean admitted.
“We are more than friends, Sean. You know I love you, don’t you?”
“I do, Carlos. But when I see you and Kevin together, it rattles me – causes me to doubt everything.”
“Sean, there will always be guys in our lives that we find attractive, guys we want to have sex with. That doesn’t mean we have to act on it. You are my touchstone, and I love you,” Carlos said.
“I love you too, Carlos.” They fell into each other’s arms and held on. It was like coming home. Soon they were caressing, then kissing. They hadn’t let themselves touch each other in nearly a year. “Carlos?”
“Si, caro.”
“I don’t think I can do this. I can’t keep all these feelings pent up inside me.”
“What do you mean?” Carlos asked.
“I want to make love to you. I want to touch you and feel you. I want to lie next to you afterwards and talk about our dreams. What we are doing now is just not enough for me,” Sean told Carlos.
“Sean, you know we can’t do that.”
“Why not? Half of the guys here are sleeping with each other. Why are we so different?”
“I don’t know. I am struggling with that, as well. This is exactly why I wanted us to stop teasing each other. But I have to admit, I miss this too,” Carlos said as he kissed Sean gently on the lips.
“So, we’re back to this again, are we?” Sean asked.
“Why not? As you said, everyone else seems to be doing it. We just have to stop before we go too far,” Carlos said. Sean let out a sarcastic laugh and shook his head.
“You know, just because we stop right before orgasm, doesn’t mean we’re not having sex.”
“I realize that, but somehow, going all the way seems worse. I’m sorry,” Carlos said with a heavy sigh. He was losing both his resolve and his will power. Sean’s reasoning was sound. They had been breaking the vow of chastity in their hearts for over a year; carrying it to the next step was simply a technicality.
Carlos was having a crisis of conscience. He buried his face between Sean’s neck and shoulder. His musky scent was enticing, and he tenderly kissed his bare skin. All at once, his heart flooded with feelings of guilt. This is not right. “I’m sorry, Sean, really, I am. But I can’t do this.”
“What? You are giving me whiplash. Yes, no? Make up your mind, but whatever you decide, stop teasing me,” Sean said, his frustration showing.
“You’re right. This is not fair to either of us. This has to stop. I want to be a good priest someday, one who lives with integrity. I don’t want to be a guy who simply breaks his vows at the sight of the first beautiful man or woman. I love you, Sean, but we can’t be lovers. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yeah, sure. But, Carlos, I can’t take this cat-and-mouse game. I need some space. Being together like this drives me crazy.”
“I know, and I’m sorry for my waffling. I promise to be a better friend.”
Later that night, Carlos made his way to the chapel. Opening the heavy door, he let his eyes adjust to the darkness. The faint smell of incense assaulted his senses as the tabernacle candle’s red glow came into focus. Finding his way to the altar, he knelt in prayer. Carlos resolved to live a life of celibacy. That is what the priesthood required, so that is what he would do.
“Dear God, please forgive my human frailty. Help me bear this cross with humility and strength. I know I am weak, but I resolve to do your will,” he prayed.
Carlos leaned his head on the pew as a single tear rolled down his cheek. There was nothing he wanted more than to become a good priest.
Chapter Seventeen
A Visitor from Paris
Miguel was getting more and more frustrated with his classes and with the clerical atmosphere at the NAC. If not for Kevin and Anthony as his best friends, he’d be lost. But as the months passed, he realized that the two of them were more than just friends. The way they were always hanging off of each other made it pretty clear that they were in love, or at least infatuated with each other. They had never spoken openly about whether they were gay, but he’d been in seminary long enough to read the signs. Not that he was uncomfortable with it. No, he believed everyone had the right to love whoever they wanted. His thinking was way more progressive than many people he knew back in Texas. His open-mindedness was due, in large part, to his father. Mr. Perez had welcomed everyone into the fold.
As accepting as Miguel was, sometimes he felt like the third wheel. Kevin and Anthony attempted to include him in every gathering or dinners out in the city. However, as the months passed, he could see them becoming more intimate with each other. Witnessing the intensity of their relationship and the closeness of their bond punctuated how lonely he really was.
The other seminarian at NAC from Dallas was Seth. Miguel and Seth had known each other for years. Although they got along well enough, Miguel found him frustrating. You could never tell what he was really thinking or feeling because he was so dichotomous. When Seth engaged in pertinent conversations or debates with his classmates, he came across as self-righteous and combative. When married clergy or celibacy would come up, he quoted the most conservative texts he could find.
However, Seth was also friendly and gregarious. He was the first to offer to help classmates struggling with their studies or waiting on the tables during pranzo. That’s what made his traditionalist leanings confusing – Seth always seemed to have an ulterior motive. Miguel didn’t trust him – he viewed him as the class tattle-tale. There was no way he could strike up a genuine friendship with him.
But there was more to Miguel’s dissatisfaction with his vocational studies. For the first time in years, he questioned whether he was cut out for a life of celibacy. It wasn’t merely about sex. In fact, the lack of sex was only a small part of it. Miguel yearned for companionship, intimacy, and someone with whom he could share his fears and dreams. The more time he spent with each of the navel-gazing seminarians at the NAC, the more his need gnawed at him. Everyone around him was turned inward, analyzing every thought or feeling. It was all about discerning the will of God in their lives. Miguel was sick of the self-absorption and wanted to look outward. Wasn’t ministry to the people of God about meeting them in the real world? He wondered if he’d be better suited to marriage – having someone to share his life with.
In November, Anthony’s friend, Maria, traveled from Paris to spend a long weekend with him. She was doing her junior year abroad and was as animated and emotive as Anthony. Miguel was immediately attracted to her. He pictured her getting off of the bus after a 27-hour ride from Paris. Most people would be exhausted and cranky, but not Maria. She squealed with delight when she spotted Anthony. She came running at them and engulfed Anthony in the biggest hug while babbling on with her high-pitched voice.
Her exuberance was infectious, and although they had never met before, both he and Kevin joined in on the joyous reunion. “And who are these two handsome men? Are they here to escort me during my visit?” Maria crooned as she pulled Miguel into a hug, ignoring his outstretched hand. She didn’t even acknowledge it – a handshake was simply out of the question.
“You’ve obviously met Miguel,” Anthony interrupted. “Now, if you can pull yourself away from him for a moment, let me introduce you to Kevin.”
“Hi, boys! I am so happy to meet you. Can you believe it? I’m in Rome!”
“We can believe it,” Miguel said with a sarcastic smile on his face. He was immediately enchanted by her.
“Let’s get you out of this station,” Kevin directed. “I’m sure you’re hungry. How about authentic Italian food?”
“Oh, I was hoping for Chinese,” Maria responded, not skipping a beat.
“Great! Our favorite Chinese restaurant in Trastevere. It’s a bit of a hike, but let’s go,” Miguel said.
“What? Oh, wait, you’re serious, aren’t you,” Maria said as she looked blankly at him.
“No, he’s not,” Anthony jumped in. “I mean, he’s right. There is a Chinese restaurant in Trastevere, but we’ve never eaten there.”
“You’re such a jerk,” Maria said as she punched Miguel in the arm.
“You’re a spirited gal, aren’t you? I can tell this is going to be an exciting visit.” Miguel said.
“You’ll learn not to mess with me, mister. Or should I address you as Father?” she said with her arms crossed over her chest. Then she winked at him and broke into a wide grin. Their fate was sealed at that moment. The spark between them continued to grow throughout her stay in Rome.
“You guys have no idea what you’re in for with Maria,” Anthony said, noticing the connection. “Right, honey?” he said as he pulled Maria in for a hug.
Throughout dinner, Anthony and Maria never stopped chatting. They told stories of their days at Fordham University and laughed loudly at their own jokes. Afterward, the three seminarians walked Maria back towards NAC. Along the way, there was a long staircase that scaled a good portion of the Janiculum hill. It was a short-cut that the guys often took. The marble steps were completely overgrown with weeds. There was litter strewn all about, and graffiti decorated the walls.
“Maria, I don’t know you’ve heard about these steps,” Miguel said. “They’re quite famous.”
“No, really? Are these the…” Her voice trailed off, and her jaw dropped.
“Yes, indeed,” Miguel continued. “These are the beautiful Spanish Steps.”
“Oh, my God! I can’t believe it.”
“Beautiful, aren’t they,” Kevin said, playing along.
“Anthony, honey, they’re amazing. It’s just that they looked so much prettier in pictures.”
“Yeah, they always touch up those postcards. Reality is often far grittier,” Miguel responded.
“Well, they are still beautiful,” Maria said with conviction. “There must be over a hundred steps.”
Then they all burst into a fit of laughter. Maria finally caught on and joined in the joke.
“You guys are such assholes! I thought seminarians were supposed to be nice,” she said with indignation. “I expect you to bring me to the real Spanish Steps before I leave. That means you, Miguel.”
“It would be my selfish pleasure,” he responded as he offered her his arm.
Back at the NAC, they gathered in Anthony’s room. Having gone to college together, Anthony and Maria were used to hanging out in each other’s quarters. But Miguel thought it was odd to have a girl in the dormitory section of the seminary.
“Not to be a killjoy, but does anybody know if Maria is allowed to be in our rooms?”
“Why wouldn’t she be?” Anthony asked. “We’re seminarians, why wouldn’t they trust us?”
“Actually, Miguel’s got a point,” Kevin interjected.
“They would have never allowed women past the public areas at St. Thomas Seminary.”
“But I’ve seen other female visitors here. No one seems to bat an eye,” Anthony said.
“True, I suppose it’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission,” Miguel said.
“Now you sound like a Jesuit educated man,” Maria chimed in.
They burst out laughing and didn’t give it a second thought. The happy quartet could be heard carrying on throughout the rest of the evening.
When it was time for lights out, Miguel and Kevin joined Anthony as they walked Maria to her pensione, which was just beside St. Peter’s Basilica. On their return to NAC, Anthony was feeling nostalgic. “Guys, I just want to thank you for making Maria feel so welcome here. It means a lot to me,” he said.
“Of course, Anthony. She’s great, so funny and full of life. It’s nice to hang out with someone other than NAC guys,” Kevin offered.
“And she’s adorable. Who knew you’d have such cute girlfriends?” Miguel joked.
“Yeah, she is pretty cute. She’s pretty popular at Fordham back in New York. She’s like the college cruise director, organizing parties, getting people involved, and making sure that everyone is having fun.”
“Hey Anthony, do you realize that Maria is the female version of you – only hotter?”
“You know – you’re right, Miguel. They’re like the same person,” Kevin added.
“I always knew you were hot for me, Miguel,” Anthony joked.
“You’ve found me out, Anthony. But now that you’ve introduced me to Maria, I’m afraid that you’re off the hook.”
“See how you are, Miguel. Another pretty girl comes along, and you drop me, just like that.” They all enjoyed a good laugh, but Miguel was only half-kidding. He liked Maria – a lot. He wasn’t sure how to deal with his budding infatuation, but he had to address it. The gang planned to spend the week of New Year’s in Paris with Maria, and without the ever-present authorities at the NAC looking over his shoulder, who knows what might happen. If he was really to take a vow of celibacy someday, he needed to explore his feelings for her.
