Someone to Hold, page 9
His hand slides down my back to cup my ass, holding me in place as he rocks against me while never letting up on the tongue-curling kiss.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
When he’s touching me and kissing me and making me see stars, I have no bandwidth left to think about the latest catastrophes to befall me. There’s only space for him and me and us and this. He moves quickly to get rid of our clothes and slides into me, the tight fit demanding my full attention.
Then he dips his head to take my nipple into his mouth, and I nearly come from the combination of that and the pressure from where our bodies are joined.
I cling to him, wanting this feeling to last as long as it possibly can, because only this can block out the darkness and make me forget. My hands coast over his back and down to cup his muscular backside as he pumps into me, reminding me that I’m still very much a woman with so much left to give.
I needed that reminder so badly.
“Look at me,” he whispers gruffly.
I open my eyes and blink him into focus, so sexy and handsome and devoted. To have his full attention this way is such a gift.
“You’re magnificent, and anyone who didn’t realize what he had with you is a goddamned fool.”
Nothing he could’ve said to me would’ve meant more than that tonight.
We stare into each other’s eyes as he reaches between us to tease me into an orgasm that comes from the deepest part of me. The release is a purging of sorts, a letting go of the stress and trauma that’s held me in its grip for hours. As I come down from the highest of highs, I expect the gloom to reappear. But it doesn’t. I feel too good for gloom.
“I might need a regular dose of your special brand of mind-altering treatment.”
His gruff chuckle makes me smile. “Any time, babe.”
“You made me feel something other than horrible. I’m incredibly grateful for that.”
“Likewise.” He kisses my forehead and lips. “I haven’t felt this good in a very long time.”
“I’m glad. I want that for you.”
“I want it for you, too.”
“But no relationships.”
“Right.”
Again, there’s a hint of amusement in his eyes as he confirms his earlier position.
It’s fine. If all we ever have is this, it’s more than enough. Or so I tell myself.
* * *
GAGE
She seems better in the morning. I’d like to think it was the sex. We did it three times during the night, and while I should be exhausted after barely sleeping, I’m energized and determined to get her through whatever comes her way today.
It’s strange to realize that I don’t feel guilty anymore about having sex with Iris, probably because we’ve been friends for years, and I think Natasha would’ve liked her as much as I do. That helps me to make peace with being intimate with someone who isn’t my wife. If I’d been with some random person, I would’ve been a wreck over it.
“You can go to work, Gage,” Iris says over coffee. “I won’t fall apart.”
“I can work from here, unless you’d rather be alone.”
“I like having you here, but I don’t want you to miss work.”
“I never missed a day of work when Nat and the girls were alive. I barely took vacations, and when I did, I was so distracted, I could hardly enjoy them. I regret that I wasn’t more present with them, and I’d like to think I’ve learned a few things about what’s important in life. Work doesn’t come first on my list anymore.”
“That’s a tough lesson to learn.”
“It took losing everything that mattered to wake me up to it. I’m not proud of that, even if I’m proud of the company I built from nothing. If it can’t function without me occasionally, then it’s all for naught.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“I used to believe it would fall apart if I wasn’t hands-on all day every day. After the accident, I found out how truly nonessential I really am when I didn’t work for six months.”
“You also found out that the amazing team you’d assembled could keep things running.”
“Why didn’t I realize that before? Why did it take losing Nat and the girls to wake me up?”
“I don’t know, and I’m sorry you feel guilty about that.”
“I’ve learned that time with the people we care about is the only thing we have on any given day. Sure, we must work and make a living to support ourselves but letting that become the most important thing in our lives isn’t worth it.”
“Have you posted about that?”
“Not yet. I haven’t wanted to confess to that level of guilt.”
“It’s a very powerful message that someone out there might need to hear.”
“Yeah, I suppose so. I’ll think about that. Today, I posted about how you never know what’s coming around the next curve in the road and how it’s a good idea to appreciate any peace or serenity you can find while you have it.”
“Another good message.”
“Inspired by what happened to you yesterday.”
“I was thinking in the shower, about when Mike was living part-time in Denver, and how many times I planned to visit him there only to have it canceled at the last minute because a ‘flight came up.’ I’m wondering now if he was lying whenever he told me that or when he couldn’t get home from there because of a weather advisory that I never bothered to check, because why would I? If my husband told me he couldn’t fly, I believed him.”
“You had no reason not to believe him, and I’m sure he wasn’t lying every time he told you something like that.”
“I’m not a ‘blind faith’ kind of person. I don’t just sign up with a guy and turn things over to him, confident that he’ll always do the right thing. I kept a hand in our finances, so I’d know what was going on if I ever needed to. I insisted on all big decisions being made together. I made sure I talked to him every day, even when he was away, so we’d stay connected to each other. I never ended a call without telling him I loved him. I took comfort in that. After. That he knew how much I loved him.”
“I have no doubt you were a wonderful wife.”
“Then how could this have happened?”
10
IRIS
In the bright light of day, I can’t avoid it even though I wish I could. I want to know what happened and why.
The phone rings with a call from my mother. “I have to take this.”
“Go ahead. I’m going to check my email.”
“Hey, Mom. How’d everything go?”
“Totally fine, as always. They’re very good for us. How’re you doing?”
“I’m okay.”
“Daddy and I can’t get over Mike being blamed for the accident. He was so diligent and focused on safety.”
“Yes, he was.” I swallow the surge of nausea that burns my throat at the thought of what else I need to tell her. “So, after you left yesterday, Steve came by. You remember him, right? Mike’s business partner?”
“Of course. He must be as upset as you are.”
“He is. But he told me something else I didn’t know, something that’s truly rocked my world.”
“What?”
“He said Mike had another child with a woman in Denver.”
“No.”
“He has proof.”
“How does he have proof?”
I tell her about the DNA test.
“He took Tyler’s DNA without your consent, and had it compared to this other child? That’s outrageous!”
“I agree, and I plan to tell him so, but he wanted to be sure before he told me about it.”
“Why did he have to tell you? What good could it possibly do now for you to hear that?”
“She’s threatening to sue the company and me for child support.”
“Come on! No way. What will you do?”
“Fight it, I suppose,” I say, even though the thought of that kind of thing is draining before it even begins. “My friend Joy, who specializes in family law, is doing some research to get a handle on what my liability might be.”
“How in the world can you be liable to a woman and child you didn’t even know existed before yesterday?”
“I’m not sure. The estate is closed, so the question is whether she can sue me personally.”
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Right when I think I’ve heard everything. How could he do such a thing?”
“That’s a very good question.”
“I’m so sorry, honey. Just when you were starting to get your sparkle back.”
I hate the tears I hear in her voice. We’ve shed enough tears over the last few years. “I’m determined not to let this be a setback, Mom. I’m crushed to learn this about the man I thought I knew, and I’m devastated about the NTSB report, but I can’t go back to where I was when I first lost him. I just can’t.”
Gage gives me two thumbs up when he hears me say that.
I send him a warm smile.
“I’m glad to hear you say that,” Mom says. “We never want to see you flattened like that again.”
“I’m not going back. I’ve learned that there’s only forward.”
“You make me proud every day, Iris, but I’m especially proud today.”
“Aw, thanks. You know that means everything to me.”
“I’ll pick up the kids and have them for another night. Take a minute to deal with all this and don’t worry about them. Take care of you.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Sure, you do. And you can pay me back when I’m drooling and in diapers a few short years from now.”
“Haha, it’s going to be more than a few years, and you know I’ll always take good care of you, the way you’ve taken care of me.”
“Love you, honey. Call if you need anything.”
“I will. And I’ll call to say good night to the kids. I’ll be back on duty tomorrow.”
“Will you tell them?”
“Not now. Maybe later when they’re older and more able to handle the implications.”
“I agree. They’re too young to understand. We’ll talk to you later.”
I end the call more thankful for my amazing mother than usual, and that’s saying something. “Thank goodness for awesome mothers,” I say to Gage.
“She’s great, and I love how close you two are.”
“We’ve been an unstoppable pair since I was very little, when she took off with me in the middle of the night to escape a violent marriage to my biological father. Her mother never forgave her for marrying Darryl, who’s white. My mom says the only thing good that came from him is my gorgeous skin color that’s a perfect combination of them both.”
“I agree your skin is gorgeous, and I never would’ve guessed that Jimmy is your stepfather.”
“He’s wonderful. She met him when I was five, and he’s been so good to both of us.”
“Do you see Darryl?”
“Sporadically. My mom sued for full custody and won. She allowed only supervised visitation with him, which he rarely requested. The most I’ve ever heard from him was after Mike died. He said he wanted to be there for me and the kids, and he has been, as much as he’s capable of being. But Jimmy is my dad, and he’s my kids’ grandpa.”
“They had more kids together?”
“Three. I call them my first babies. I adore them all. And my mom… She’s turned lemons into lemonade. All my life, even to this day, she takes in women who were in domestic violence situations and makes them part of our family. There’s probably been a hundred of them over the years.”
“Wow, that’s incredible.”
“She’s never forgotten how difficult it was to escape that situation, or how much the kindness of strangers made a difference.”
“Is it safe for her to take them in?”
“We’ve had a few situations over the years, but for the most part, it’s fine.”
“It’s an incredible thing she’s doing.”
“She’d tell you that after raising her four kids, it’s her life’s work. She got a master’s in social work while we were all still at home and works for two different agencies that serve the DV community—and helps me with the kids any time I need it. She’s a wonder woman.”
“Like her daughter.”
“Oh, please. I aspire to be a fraction of what she is. I’ve always felt like a slacker next to her.”
“What was your career before you had kids?”
“I worked in online marketing for years. I still do some freelance projects in that space, but I’ve been working on something else recently that I’m excited about.”
“What’s that?”
“I haven’t told anyone.”
“Okay, now you have to tell me, or I’ll die of curiosity.”
“Don’t say ‘die.’ We’ve had enough of that.”
“Then you’d better tell me.”
I pick up my phone and find what I want to show him and then hand the phone to him.
“What am I looking at?”
“It’s called TikTok.” I giggle at his confused expression.
“I think I’ve heard something about that.”
“How can you be so hip to Instagram and know nothing about TikTok?” I ask with amusement.
“I refuse to take on another social media site. It’s all I can do to keep up with Insta.”
“About a year ago, I started posting videos of single-mom hacks… little things I do to make my life easier as a suddenly single mom to three little kids. It’s, um, sort of taken off.” I take back the phone and tap some more on the screen before handing it back to him.
His eyes bug out of his head when he sees I have one point two million followers. “Iris! What the hell? You have more than a million followers?”
“I know, right? And now I’m getting sponsorship offers every day. It’s turned into more than I ever expected, which has me working on a business plan to capitalize on it.”
“Why have you never mentioned this to us?”
I shrug. “It was just something I did for fun. I never expected anything to come of it.”
“This is incredible. Congratulations.”
“Thanks. It’s been a fun outlet for when the kids are at school. I can give it an hour a day and still get everything else done.”
“And here I thought my hundred thousand followers was impressive.”
“It’s so impressive. What you’re doing is incredibly important. It helps so many people. Mine is just silly mom fun.”
“It’s not silly. Like who knew that a Bounce sheet in a backpack keeps the funk away?”
I laugh at the way he says that. “Stop. It’s got nothing on helping widows survive another day.”
“There’re a few guys on here who think you’re a MILF.”
“What?” I take back the phone. “Ew. That’s gross. I blocked them.”
“With that many followers, you’re going to have weirdos in there. You need to be on the lookout for that.”
“I barely look at the comments. Who has the time?”
“Iris… Seriously. You can’t be too careful in this day and age.”
“They have no idea who I really am or where I live or anything about my kids other than that I’m a single mom to three of them. Don’t worry.”
“They can also see you’re sexy as all hell, and that’s why you’re getting randos making inappropriate comments.”
I prop my chin on my upturned hand. “Am I sexy as all hell?”
He rolls his eyes. “As if you didn’t already know that.”
“I didn’t know that until you told me.”
“I’m sure Mike told you, too.”
“At first, he did. Toward the end, not so much.”
“That’s a crying shame. He should’ve been telling you that every day.”
“Now I know he was probably saying that to someone else.” I stop short, gasping. “What if there was more than one?”
* * *
GAGE
“Iris…”
She launches out of her chair and leaves the room, returning with an iPhone that she plugs into a charger on the counter. “I’ve never looked through his phone, because I didn’t think I had any reason to.”
“Maybe it’s not such a great idea for you to do that now either.” I hate this idea with every fiber of my being. “What difference will it make for you to know?”
“After what I learned yesterday, I’m wondering if I knew my husband at all, or if I knew some version of him that he created for me. Does that make sense?”
“It does, but why can’t you hold on to the version of him that you knew and let the rest of it go?”
“Because I want to know. I want to try to understand why he did the things he did. Did his distraction over leading a double life lead to the crash?”
I reach out my hand to her.
She takes hold of it and lets me bring her to sit on my lap.
“I don’t want to see you hurt any more than you already have been. All you need to know is that he was unfaithful. You don’t need to know the full scope of it. Knowing won’t change anything. Like I said before, all that will do is hurt you more than you already are.”
“I appreciate where you’re coming from, and I agree with what you’re saying. It will hurt me more to find out there were others. But I need to know—and I want to know why. I can’t have those questions hanging over me for the rest of my life.”
With my arms around her, I keep her from getting up. “Iris, please… Last night, you said you’re worried about being able to take care of your kids. What if you learn something from looking at his phone that makes it impossible to do that?”
“I’m ready for whatever I might find out. I already know he wasn’t the man I thought he was, and in a way, that sort of changes how I think of him. I loved him so much. I did everything I could to make our marriage work. I thought he was doing the same thing. It’s crushing to find out otherwise, but I still need the details. I want to understand.”
