Tears In the Water, page 20
I nodded.
“Is boyfriend okay or do I need to change it to partner?”
“I like boyfriend, but I don’t know why it doesn’t feel good today.”
“I’ll use partner then,” he replied, nodding. “Let me know if you need me to change it anytime.”
He leaned forwards to kiss my forehead but I looked away, ashamed. He was trying so hard to adjust to me when I couldn’t adjust to my own feelings.
“Hey,” he called softly. “What is it?”
“Nothing.” I didn’t want him to know how messed up I was today and I didn’t know how to explain myself to begin with anyway.
“Don’t lie, something’s clearly wrong,” he tried again gently. “You know you can tell me anything, I won’t judge.”
“I don’t have to tell you everything just because you’re my boyfriend,” I snapped. “Think of your match instead of worrying about me.”
I stiffened when I realized what I’d said. Tate slowly took his hands off me. He tried to keep the soft smile on his face but I could see the hurt in his eyes.
“That came out harsher than intended,” I mumbled, shame taking over.
He took a step back. “It’s okay, I need to go anyway or I’ll be late.”
‘It’s okay’… that’s what he always said. But it wasn’t okay at all.
“Tate,” I tried to call him.
I didn’t know how to continue the sentence but it didn’t matter because he kept stepping away from me.
“I’ll see you later,” he replied before turning and walking away.
I watched Tate disappear out of sight, feeling the hatred for myself grow with every step he took. It wasn’t until I tasted blood that I noticed I had been biting my lower lip in anger.
My phone ringing made me jump. When I looked at it and saw Xiuying’s contact I knew she was just reminding me I needed to get in or I’d be late, so I didn’t bother answering the call and headed inside instead. I tried to undress quickly but my mind was elsewhere and I found myself just standing still, lost in thought.
I’d snapped at Tate. He was just trying to help, he was just trying to be nice as always and I’d made him feel bad for it. Why did I hurt people every time I opened my mouth? Why was I such a burden?
Xiuying had to control her own behavior depending on my mood because she felt the need to make sure I was okay first. She always went out of her way not to bother me or make me feel worse. That’s not what friendship is supposed to be like. That’s not how a friend should behave. Why did I let her do that every time? Why didn’t I just talk to her?
Now, I’d hurt Tate, too. I knew I’d done that when we went on our first date, when I hadn’t understood why he’d asked me out. I knew I’d hurt him when I’d ignored him afterwards, because I was scared of what it meant that he wanted to be with me. I knew I'd hurt him when I was hesitant to say yes to going out with him and I’m sure I made him doubt himself because who wouldn’t, when the person you like tries their best to find a reason that you won’t work together? I kept unloading my problems, doubts and insecurities onto him as if he weren’t a human being with problems of his own, and now I had pushed him away when all he wanted to do was help. He was too kind to me, he treated me too well and all I did was treat him like he didn’t matter.
Why the hell am I like this?
Actually, I already knew the answer. I was selfish and self-centered and always put myself before others, as if I were more important. I already knew I was like that and hated myself for it, but bad habits were hard to break and I didn’t know how to stop.
I hated myself. I hated the way I was and my behavior. I didn’t deserve friends, I didn’t deserve people who cared about me because all they got in exchange were rude remarks and a ‘friend’ who would never try and make sure they were alright in return.
My nails dug into my thigh before I could stop myself. The beauty of the pain distracted me from my thoughts. A moment too late I realized what I was doing and I took my hands away, staring wide-eyed at the half-moon marks on my thigh. I was wearing a swimming suit, everyone would notice them. I should have done it somewhere my skin wasn’t exposed. I passed a hand over the marks a few times, massaging the area in the hope it would make them a little less noticeable.
Slamming my locker shut, I went to the toilets, splashing cold water on my face until I calmed down a little.
“Get a grip, you need to train now,” I told my reflection in the mirror over the sink. “You can watch yourself fall apart later.”
I washed my face one more time and left to go to the pool area, praying no one would look down and notice the marks on my thigh.
◈
I knew the volleyball team would come back to campus after lunch because Uriah had texted Xiuying to let us know they’d won, but we were in the middle of another training session and couldn’t go to them yet. I wasn’t even sure I was welcome, either. I hadn’t told Xiuying what had happened with Tate. I hadn’t told her anything at all.
After our official training finished, she left me alone at the pool and I floated on the surface with my eyes closed for a while instead of swimming, needing a moment alone in a place that made me feel safe. I tried to keep my mind clear, pushing away every possible thought, focusing only on the water around me and my breathing. When I opened my eyes again minutes later, I felt numb.
I needed to see Tate, to apologize, but was too ashamed to text him directly. I quickly typed Uriah a message, asking if he knew where Tate was, while I washed and got changed.
URIAH
he’s not in our room
he went out around 20 minutes ago
didn’t say where he was going
It had to be a punishment for how I’d treated him that morning. I thanked Uriah and left the building. I had no idea where Tate was, maybe he wasn’t even on campus. A walk wasn’t going to hurt me, though, and I preferred to stay out a little longer than go straight to my dorm, because I knew my thoughts would take over once more as soon as I stepped inside. I walked around campus, checking all the small parks and areas where people usually hung out. I checked the track and volleyball gym and found both deserted. I then went to check the machine gym, not because I thought I’d find him there, but just because I wanted to make my journey longer. I stopped in my tracks when I saw Tate’s figure lifting weights inside.
He’s here and I need to face him. I can’t run away.
I took a deep breath and opened the door before I could rethink my decision. Tate didn’t acknowledge my presence or even glance at me as I walked inside and made my way over to him.
“Hi,” I said meekly, sitting down on the machine next to him.
He didn’t reply, focused on the workout.
I played with my fingers nervously, trying to think of what to say or how to make him look at me at least. He had all the right to be angry at me, but the silent treatment was the worst possible punishment he could choose, because silence gave me space and time to overthink.
“Do you think I’m man enough?” He asked suddenly.
I froze in surprise, confused about why he had asked that and what I was supposed to say.
“Of course I do,” I replied without hesitation, taken aback. “Why the question?”
Tate didn’t reply right away and my worry grew, making me momentarily forget that I had come to find him about another problem.
“Has something happened?” I asked, my mind going back to thinking about his match. “Has someone said something to you?”
He nodded, turning away from me slightly so I couldn’t see his face. “Someone from another team made a… comment.”
A transphobic comment, is what he meant. Not only had his partner snapped at him that morning, but he'd had to deal with ignorant people questioning him and his rights, too. He couldn’t have had a worse day, and the pain he was feeling was partially my fault.
“Is that why you’re working out now?” I asked. “So that they won’t get the chance to comment about it again?”
He shrugged. “Building more muscle is the only thing I can think of right now that would make me look more masculine.”
“Muscles or not, masc presenting or not, you are still a man. Your identity doesn’t change based on others’ perception of you,” I told him. “I understand it’s hard to be sure of yourself when other people say the opposite, but you shouldn’t let their words get to you. After all, whoever said this to you is a stranger. They’re not part of your life and they’re not someone whose opinion you care about.”
The muscles on Tate’s face relaxed a little and, even though his eyes weren’t focused, I knew he was thinking hard about what I was saying.
“The people that are part of your daily life all think of you as a man,” I continued. “I see you as a man.”
He nodded in silence. Still, he wouldn’t look at me directly. He probably didn’t want to hear anything from me. Even though I was trying to comfort him, it didn’t make up for how I’d snapped at him earlier, nor for my failing to be a good partner to him.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?” I asked, hesitantly.
His eyes finally jerked up, meeting mine.
“Stay,” he blurted out.
“Alright,” I replied, relief flooding me. “I’ll exercise with you then.”
Without another world he slowly started working out again, with me following his example. He needed me by his side right now, and I was going to help him as much as I could. I would apologize for how I’d behaved another time, when he had nothing else to worry about.
TWENTY-FIVE
The following day neither the swimming nor the volleyball team had practice in the afternoon. Despite that, I went to the pool anyway, swimming for a while to gather the courage to do what I had been unable to do the day before.
Tate and I had worked out together in silence and, when he decided he was done, we'd quietly said goodbye and parted ways without saying anything else. Neither of us had mentioned what had happened in the morning and the fact that Tate hadn’t actually looked mad at me, just insecure about what that stranger had said after the match, made me feel even worse. It would have been better if he’d yelled at me.
I took a long time washing and getting dressed after my swim, in a futile effort to waste time and come up with something that would prevent me from actually facing Tate. I needed to apologize and he deserved an apology, I was more than aware of that, but the shame and embarrassment of knowing I actually had to apologize were holding me back. I felt so childish.
I had no idea where Tate would be but, instead of texting someone to ask like I’d done the day before, I decided just to go by his dorm casually. I found myself wishing he wouldn’t be in his room as I knocked on the window.
A moment later the curtain moved and Uriah’s head appeared. He turned and I heard him say, “It’s your girlfriend.”
I felt a pang in my chest and it took me a moment to remind myself that Uriah had no idea about my gender crisis and that he hadn’t meant to do it on purpose. Maybe it was time for me to tell others, too, because getting misgendered was starting to bother me more than I’d initially thought.
Uriah pushed the curtain back completely, then opened the window, gesturing for me to come in.
“Hello,” I said awkwardly, not really looking at either of them.
“I didn’t know you were coming by,” Uriah said, curiously.
I hesitated a moment. “It wasn’t planned.”
He nodded in understanding. I had no idea what he knew, if Tate had told him about the morning before or if he even knew about what Tate had heard at the stadium. I guessed he probably knew about the latter, because he had likely been there with Tate when it had happened, but I had a feeling he didn’t know about me being an ass.
I forced myself to turn to Tate, who was laying on his bed, scrolling through his phone.
“Can we talk?” I asked hesitantly.
He looked at me, his expression completely blank. The lack of emotion in his eyes scared me. If he'd managed to move on from the transphobic comment, it meant he'd had time to be mad at me.
“We could go take a walk, maybe?” I proposed, trying my best not to let my voice shake.
“Actually, I need to go somewhere so you can stay here,” said Uriah. He picked up his phone and wallet and left the room before I could reply. Something told me he didn’t really have an appointment, he just wanted to distance himself from the situation before it became too awkward.
Tate sighed and sat up, putting his phone next to him on the bed. “What is it?”
His tone was cold and his face still expressionless. The more I looked at him the more my anxiety grew. If he was fed up with me he would want to break up, wouldn’t he?
“I didn’t mean to snap at you yesterday,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry.”
He didn’t reply, just kept looking at me.
“I…. I know I’m a bad partner. I always think I’m the only person in the relationship, or friendship, and everything always has to be about me. I forget about other people’s problems and feelings,” I continued. “I was in a bad mood and I let it get the better of me, taking it out on you. I’m aware that it’s not the first time I’ve hurt you or made you feel bad about yourself or something you did, but I need you to know that it wasn’t my intention, I really didn’t mean to hurt you.” I couldn’t stand his intense gaze anymore and decided to move my focus on my fiddling fingers. “I should have apologized immediately. I shouldn’t even have snapped at you in the first place, but it’s too late for that now. I want to change, I want to do better. But if you've realized that this is not something you want anymore, or that it’s not worth it, I will understand.”
“Why would I think this is not worth it?” He asked eventually, his tone soft despite still being serious.
“Because I am not worth it,” I replied, smiling bitterly. The first tear fell but I didn’t bother wiping it away. “That’s why I’ve never been in a relationship before: everyone can clearly see what a bad, useless person I am. You had high hopes for me, and I’m grateful for that, but it wasn’t enough to turn me into a decent person. Now I've disappointed you, too.”
He got off the bed and stood up. “You haven’t disappointed me.”
“I have, and it won’t be the last time either,” I replied. “I’m just not made to be around people, I should just be alone.”
“Don’t." He stepped closer and gently cupped my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Don’t say that.”
“I only ever talk about myself and my problems, never taking others into consideration. I don’t care about how I treat other people if it means I get to feel better or make myself comfortable,” I explained. “You can’t say that’s not true, and someone who acts like that is not a good person. I shouldn’t be allowed to stay around people and have friends if all I do is hurt them.”
“You made a mistake once, Alex,” Tate replied softly. “You snapped at me once.”
“No, it’s not just about me snapping at you yesterday. Are you not listening to me?” I asked, feeling exasperated, more tears flowing out of frustration.
“I am listening, I just don’t agree with you. You’re getting into your head and you’re putting yourself down to justify what you did, but there’s no need for that. You were in a bad mood and, even if it was with good intention, I did push you and you told me off. Everyone has snapped angrily at someone at least once in their lives. I know you didn’t mean it, and I understand. That’s it.”
It wasn’t that simple, how could he not understand? Why was he still trying to make me into a good person when I clearly wasn’t one?
“I accept your apology,” he said eventually. “I understand you didn’t mean to snap at me.”
“You should be mad at me,” I replied, shaking my head. “You shouldn’t let me off the hook so easily. I will end up doing it again.”
“You won’t. I know you won’t.”
“How can you be so sure? You’ve seen how terrible I am at handling my own emotions.”
“Because I trust you, Alex,” he said. “I trust you to handle my heart with care, even if you don’t trust yourself to do so. You do have it in you, you just need someone to believe that you can do it.”
I didn’t believe him, and I wasn’t sure I ever would.
I shook my head. “Dating should be a good experience. No one wants to get into a relationship full of problems. You should want something that makes you feel good, that is easier than this, than me. I’m really not worth your trust.”
“You’ll be surprised to find that there are ups and downs for everyone, and relationships are no exception. Even couples that look like they’re always having fun have their bad moments. You just need to be there for each other during the bad moments to be able to get to the good ones.” Tate pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me. I let my body relax against him, hiding my face in the crook of his neck. “You’re worth it to me,” he whispered. “If you need someone to help you get used to being around other people, I can be that person. If you need someone to have faith in you, I will be the one.” I don’t deserve him. I really don’t. “Everything will be okay as long as we communicate.”
We hugged for a long while and at some point I actually started sobbing. I liked that he had started holding me in silence because it felt more real than any word he could ever say to me. However, the quiet made me get back into my own head, and let my thoughts run wild again, tearing me apart completely.
He’ll see it too, just give him time. He will come to hate you. He will leave.
I deserve to be alone.
It took me a long time to calm down and, even after I’d finished crying, my mind wasn’t completely silent. When he felt I was stable enough, Tate broke the hug.
“I have a gift for you,” he said softly. He walked over to his wardrobe and took something out. “It got here last night. Maybe it'll cheer you up.”
He handed me a soft package wrapped in gift paper.
“What is it?” I asked, confused and suspicious.
