Tears In the Water, page 14
“You two,” she said calmly, pointing at Tate and I. “Are you two together?”
My brain stopped working. We had agreed to start dating so the answer would obviously be yes, but there was no way in hell I was going to confirm it in front of everyone. What if Tate wanted it to be a secret? Now that I thought about it, I hadn’t asked him if he wanted us to be public or not. And what if he’d changed his mind overnight?
If I say yes and he denies it, I will literally never be able to show my face around here again.
“Yes, we are.”
My heart was definitely going to explode soon, either due to unnecessary worry or because of Tate.
He turned to me and shrugged, a smug, proud expression on his face. “We are together.”
“Yeah… we are,” I quietly confirmed.
It felt so weird to think about it and even weirder to say it out loud. Being in an actual relationship was too much of a foreign concept. I’d been single for so long that I never thought I'd ever be with someone, so now everything felt out of place.
During lunch Sky tried to ask us questions about our relationship, probably thinking that it would be a good topic to break the ice. Tate and I were way too new at it though and I was too awkward to reply to anything, which she probably realized because she soon changed the subject to literally anything else. Xiuying took over the conversation, trying to tell us about Sky and recounting random facts about us to her to make us bond over something. Uriah also kept talking, definitely more than he usually did with new people, and other than using that to study Sky, I had a feeling he was doing it to try and take the attention away from Tate and me.
Multiple times during our meal, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tate turn to me. Maybe he expected me to talk to him, or even look at him, but I had no idea how to be normal about it so I ended up ignoring him. He even softly bumped his leg against mine to catch my attention, to which I replied with a tight lipped smile, immediately focussing back on my plate a moment later. Tate probably thought I was an idiot. If I were him, I’d be hurt by my behavior, I’d think I’d made a mistake in asking me out. I dug my nails into my palm to force myself to stop thinking about it and tried to take part in the current conversation. After all, this lunch time was about Sky and Xiuying, not me and Tate.
After eating we all walked out of the canteen together. Right when I thought I could see the finish line and had survived our first hang out together as a couple, Tate pulled me aside, worry in his soft brown eyes.
“Hey, are you okay? I don’t want to say you’re acting weird, but you’re a little… stiff, maybe? Awkward, too. Is something wrong?”
Ouch. He didn’t need to point it out like that.
“I’m sorry. I just have no idea how to behave,” I confessed. “I told you I’d never been in a relationship before, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I see other couples being affectionate and adorable in public and I don’t know how they even get to that stage. When I see you I don’t even know if I’m supposed to greet you or not. That’s ridiculous.”
“We don’t have to be all lovey-dovey to be a couple, you know? Plus, it’s not like we need to rush this. We have all the time in the world to figure out how to make it work and what we feel comfortable with.”
“It’s gonna be really awkward,” I warned him. “Initially, for sure. I hope it’ll get better with time, though.”
“As long as you’re not feeling uncomfortable, I don’t mind you acting a little odd.”
I bit my lip, a feeling of shame overcoming me. “You’ll let me know if I do something weird, right? I want to learn how to do this the right way.”
“I doubt there’s a right or wrong way to be in a relationship, but I promise I’ll let you know if you happen to do something that I don’t like. But you need to do the same and let me know if I ever overstep the line.”
“Will do,” I replied awkwardly, nodding once.
“What about PDA?” He asked. “Or physical affection in general. How do you feel about that?”
I shrugged. “Never tried so… I wouldn’t really know. I’m usually okay doing it with Xiuying, but she’s a friend and you’re… well, you’re my boyfriend.” I mentally cringed at how it came out, sounding more like a question towards the end. I tried to take away the attention from that by adding immediately, “I’d probably be a little too self-conscious to do it with you right now.”
“Maybe we could start with baby steps as far as physical affection is concerned, if that works for you?” Tate asked me, a little embarrassed. “It’s my way of showing I care about someone.”
He looked so cute when he was shy.
“I guess we can try,” I replied quietly, trying to hold back a smile.
“Let me know if you need me to back off. As I said, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“Okay.”
“I should probably go now.” Tate said, but didn’t move. He stood there instead, still looking at me. I could literally see the frenetic thoughts behind his eyes. “Can I kiss you?” He asked eventually, his tone shy. “Doesn’t need to be a serious kiss, just a small ‘see you later’ peck.”
He’d gotten even more adorable and I couldn’t hold back my smile anymore. I nodded. “You can.”
Tate leaned down and placed a quick, soft kiss on my cheek.
“I’ll see you later,” he whispered softly.
Surprisingly, I felt happy. “See you later.”
SEVENTEEN
TATE
I'd like to take you out on a date
I stared at the text for two full minutes before my brain started working. He is my boyfriend, it’s normal he wants to hang out with me. I wondered if I’d be able to get used to it: remembering I was wanted by someone, having to take him into consideration when thinking about myself because now he was really part of my life.
ALEX
when & where?
I thought it would look casual and normal but as soon as I hit send I cringed at the screen of my phone.
TATE
are you free today around 5?
ALEX
yes we should finish early
TATE
great! I’ll meet you outside your dorm
ALEX
where are we going?
TATE
it’s a surprise :)
“A date, huh?”
I jumped in surprise, putting my phone down. My best friend was standing right behind me, peeking over my shoulder. I hadn’t even realized she'd finished changing.
“Xiuying!” I scolded. “Warn a person.”
She chuckled and sat on the bench next to me.
“I need to give you a bracelet or necklace with a bell on it,” I said. “Sometimes you move way too quietly.”
“It’s my superpower,” she replied, shrugging.
I popped my phone into my bag and stood up to put everything in my locker.
“So you’re going on a date today?” She didn’t even wait for me to reply before she added, “Remember, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
“More like, don’t do anything you would do.”
She put a hand on her chest, feigning hurt. “How could you?”
Before I could reply, other girls from our team entered the changing room. We greeted each other politely. I held my breath, chest tightening as I worried they would stop and start up a conversation with us, but they passed by and headed towards the changing stalls without stopping to talk, I let out a sigh of relief. Xiuying stood up and went to put her things in her locker as well.
“I might ask Sky if she’s free today, too,” she said. “Do you think it’s a good idea? I want to see her again but I don’t want to seem clingy.”
“I think there’s no harm in trying,” I replied. “You haven’t made anything official yet, right?”
She shook her head, biting her lip.
“Maybe she’s just not ready for labels yet,” I tried to reason. “She clearly likes you so I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“My opinion is biased, so I’ll trust your judgment.”
I truly hoped I was right because if things didn’t turn out well between them I didn’t want to be responsible for Xiuying’s pain.
“Uriah looked really interested in getting to know Sky,” I changed the subject. “I think he was making sure she’s good enough for you.”
“I think so, too.” A small smile appeared on her lips. “He pulled me aside yesterday to ask me if I thought she was reliable and serious about us. I’m not sure yet, but he was so serious about it that I felt the need to say yes.”
“It’s admirable how much Uriah cares for his friends.”
“He’s amazing,” Xiuying agreed.
Our conversation was cut short by the coaches yelling from outside the changing room to hurry up and get out. Everyone rushed to finish changing and ran to the swimming pool. My mind wandered back to my date with Tate and I struggled to understand whether I was glad I had to train so I was distracted and it would seem like time passed faster, or if I resented the fact that I had practice because I wanted to see him.
When we finished swimming I quickly got out of the pool and ran to the changing room to take a shower and change.
“That eager to see your boyfriend?” Xiuying teased.
Boyfriend… the word was so foreign, but so nice, too.
I glared at my friend in reply and quickly went back to changing. She let me know that I didn’t need to wait for her, so as soon as I was done I rushed to our dorm to drop my training bag and change into something more appropriate for a date. The sweatpants and sweatshirt I was wearing definitely weren’t ideal. I’d already gone on one date underdressed and didn’t want to repeat the experience. I hurried back out just as Tate was making his way towards the dorm entrance.
“Hey,” he greeted me casually.
“Hi,” I said, trying not to show I was panting. Letting him know I’d literally run to be there would definitely make me look like a fool.
“Ready to go?”
I nodded in reply. “Where?”
“You’re not very good with surprises, are you?” He asked, grinning.
“I don’t really like unexpected things,” I answered nervously. “I tend to panic easily.”
“You don’t need to worry about this surprise. It’s nothing too grand.” He stopped and frowned, suddenly lost in thoughts. “Or at least I don’t think it will make you panic. I don’t really know what triggers you so I can’t be completely sure.”
“Let’s just go,” I blurted out. Better to just do it and see what all of this was about rather than give me time to overthink.
I didn’t know Tate could drive, but it shouldn’t have surprised me. There weren’t many young people my age who didn’t have their driving license. I had gotten mine as soon as I’d turned eighteen but was so used to walking and traveling on public transport that I’d never actually used it. Sometimes I worried I’d even forgotten how to drive.
I studied the streets as Tate drove, trying to guess where we would be going. I was surprised when he stopped right in front of the arcade.
“It’s a bit of a cliché, isn’t it?” He asked, embarrassed. “I’ve always wanted to have a date here.”
“I like arcades,” I replied, trying to reassure him with a smile. It might have been a cliché, but was one of those I’d never got to experience and had always wanted to try, so I certainly wasn’t going to complain. I was pretty excited, actually.
The air hockey game was the activity I was most keen on trying and the first we played. We both knocked the disk a little too hard a few times, making it fly off the table or hit our knuckles, hurting us in the process. The pain was worth it though. I couldn’t help but laugh as we played and was delighted when I noticed how engrossed Tate was in the game, how focused and determined he was. We were both pretty competitive.
We then moved on to a dance game but both struggled since the signs on the platform only worked half the time, forcing us to stomp as hard as we could to play. We tried racing games but I quickly discovered I wasn’t fond of anything that involved cars or motorcycles. We then went over to the basketball game, where I stood to the side as I watched Tate throw balls into the hoop. It wasn’t even the sport he specialized in, but he was unbelievably good at it. How could he look so attractive doing something as normal as playing sports? And he was mine? Actually mine? Impossible.
We spent hours in the arcade, playing all the games we came across. Everyone else in there was at least a couple years younger than us, making us the oldest, but strangely I didn’t feel embarrassed. Maybe I was just too excited about spending time with Tate doing something we both enjoyed to have time to overthink other people’s stares.
Before we left, we had to collect a prize. We counted our tickets, then walked over to the counter to let a member of staff know we wanted to choose a prize. He guided us to a big window with all the objects in it and pointed out the part where the things we could afford with our tickets were.
“Choose a prize,” I told Tate.
He shook his head. “You choose something.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, silently challenging him. “I want to get something for you.”
“The tickets are yours, you should get something for yourself.”
At times he exasperated me so much I wanted to scream.
“Shut up and tell me what you want,” I said, too possessed by the rush from the games to care about how brazen I sounded.
Tate smirked “You know, I can either shut up, or tell you what I want. It’s not possible to do both.”
I took a deep breath to force myself to calm down.
“Alright, I’ll do it for you.”
I turned to the window again and checked out all the prizes. There were pens, pencils, erasers in cute shapes, little toys, keychains, small and medium-sized plushies. My eyes landed on a pair of blue socks with white volleyballs all over them. Smiling in satisfaction, I called the staff member to let him know I’d chosen and he opened the window for me. I picked up the socks and handed them to Tate.
“They’re literally made for you, so you can’t refuse the gift,” I said.
He shook his head slightly, a small smile on his lips.
“I’ll wear them everyday from now on and I’ll make sure everyone knows my girlfriend got them for me,” Tate teased.
I unconsciously stiffened and it took me a moment to understand what was happening and what didn’t feel right. Being called ‘girlfriend’ was supposed to feel good, but instead it felt icky. I was pretty sure the problem wasn’t that it meant I was with Tate, but that it was a gendered label.
I tried to smile to hide the fact that a single word had almost ruined one of the best afternoons of my life.
“Can I kiss you?” He asked softly.
The fact that I had butterflies in my stomach anytime he asked such simple, normal questions made me feel silly, but my joy always exceeded my embarrassment. I nodded and looked up so that it was easier for him to lean down and reach my lips. It was a really soft kiss, his lips just gently brushing against mine initially, then pressing into a real kiss, slow and gentle. My eyes closed instinctively, and I was still pretty aware that I didn’t know how to move my lips with his, but despite that, this was nothing like our first kiss. There was no awkwardness nor insecurity. This was real, soft, and spoke louder than any words.
“Thank you for the socks,” he whispered against my lips before stepping back.
As soon as he’d put some space between us I had to take a big breath, realizing that the kiss— and his presence in general— had left me breathless. Tate smiled and linked his fingers with mine, while I followed him out of the arcade.
“I’m glad I asked you to be my girlfriend,” he admitted as we stepped outside. “I like being able to officially hold your hand.”
Girlfriend.
“Should we—”
“What do you think about gender?” I blurted out before I could stop myself, accidentally interrupting him.
We stopped walking and Tate turned to me, frowning slightly. “That is a rather general and random question. Would you mind elaborating a little?”
“Well, just… what do you think of it,” I repeated helplessly. “Don’t you find it a confusing subject?”
“Gender is a concept we created, because humans apparently need to order and categorize everything, otherwise they don’t feel in control,” Tate replied bitterly. “Another concept we created is Time. We live in 2019, but in Thailand, for example, right now they are living in the year 2562. That seems hard to believe, but it’s true.”
“That is hard to believe,” I agreed. I didn’t know other countries counted years in different ways, but if I stopped to think about it, it actually made sense since the entire concept was formed around religion and not everyone followed the same beliefs. But it did sound mystical to think that different countries in the same world lived in different years.
“Anyway, gender is just a social construct. People see it and understand it in different ways,” he continued, shrugging. “It can be pretty confusing, especially if you are part of the minority who starts questioning it instead of following exactly what other people tell you.”
I knew he was talking about himself, but for a second I was scared he was talking about me. I thought about it for a moment. Would it be so bad for him to know what was going on in my head? He might be the best person to talk to about this because he’d surely had similar experiences, but what if he didn’t believe me? What if he thought I was pretending to doubt my identity? What if he thought I was doing it to get closer to him or worse, copy him? These were stupid thoughts, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if they turned out to be true. I’d already had too many similar experiences in the past and didn’t want to repeat them. Even though Tate didn’t seem the type, I was too scared to risk it.
“Why did you ask?” He said, forcing me away from my thoughts.
I stared at him at a loss for words.
“I don’t know,” I lied. “Just curious I guess.”
