Perfectly Thin, page 31
I drop my eyes, ashamed of what I put them through. “Where is Em?”
“I’m here!” she calls. She comes bouncing over, her blonde hair perfectly styled. “Wow, Jane. Look at you.” She grabs me, embracing me in the exact same way as Presley.
“Look, I have to tell you both I’m so sorry. I was consumed with chasing what I thought was perfection. I was so desperate to fit in, and be noticed that I lost sight of everything. Including how fantastic you both are. I know I said and did things to push you both away, but, I’m desperately sorry and I’m fully prepared to grovel for the rest of my life for you both to forgive me.” My mouth dries as my hands shake waiting for them to respond.
Emma and Presley look at each other, then roll their eyes. “We’re good, Jane. The only thing we want for you is for you to forgive yourself. And don’t ever shut us out again,” Emma says.
I let out a deep breath, and nod. These are the best friends anyone could ever ask for. “Tell me about Mr. Hottie over there.” Presley jerks her chin toward Leo, who’s getting us drinks.
“Leo?”
“Ah, yeah. The hot nurse from the skinny clinic,” Presley says.
“You did not just say the skinny clinic!” I bring my hand up to cover my mouth. “You can’t say shit like that.”
“Why? Would you rather me call it the fat house?”
“Presley!” Emma softly hits her on the shoulder.
“Well, whatever. Tell us all the goss. Give us the T. Tell us everything,” Presley relentlessly persists.
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Have you kissed?”
“No. It’s not like that,” I say as I look back to see Leo talking with someone. He catches my gaze, and smiles.
“Yeah, right. He can’t keep his eyes off you. And you’re all flustered and shit. Not to mention, you make a nice couple,” Emma says.
“I have to get myself right here first.” I tap my temple. “He’s just a friend.”
“He doesn’t want to be just a friend. He wants more.”
“I can’t give him more right now. He knows that. Anyway, what are we going to do when you two are away at college, and I’m here, going to night school to pass my SATs so I can get my butt into college.”
“You’re going to finish school? That’s so good,” Presley says.
“Yeah, I am. I’m not gonna lie, it’s going to be hard. But, I’m determined.”
“Hey, beautiful.” Leo gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Here you go.” He hands me a diet soda. “Ladies.” He tips his head to Emma and Presley. “Happy birthday.”
“We were just telling Jane how you two make a cute couple,” Presley says.
“Oh my God,” I say through gritted teeth. I widen my eyes at her as I shake my head.
“One day we will, but for now, Jane’s not ready.” He places his arm around my waist.
“Shit, man. You can’t say stuff like that. Makes us other males look like mere mortals,” Mark says as he stands behind Presley, and wraps his arms around her.
“So, tell me. How old are you?” Emma asks.
I know Leo is older. That’s obvious, because he’s had to study to become a nurse, but I’ve never asked him his age. I figure if it’s not something that he’s worried about, then why should I be? I have to get my head right before I worry about something as trivial as our age gap.
“Someone finally asked. I thought it would be this one, but she hasn’t.” He points to me. “I finished college as a registered nurse three years ago. Which makes me twenty-five.”
“Why choose to be a nurse and not a doctor?” Mark asks.
“I’m not interested in being a doctor. For a long time, I’ve been interested in eating disorders, and I thought, I could help.” He squeezes me gently. I feel his body become rigid next to mine. I step in closer, silently telling him, it’s okay.
“Is it heartbreaking?” Emma asks.
“It has been, at times. But it’s also really rewarding. I work with an extraordinary bunch of people, and I’m so thankful I can help. It really makes me appreciate life so much more.”
Emma and Presley both have huge smiles as they’re engrossed in what Leo’s saying. “What did you think of Jane when you first saw her?”
I want to know, but I’m also hoping they ease up on Leo too. “I thought here is this wonderful young lady who has no idea how much she has to offer the world.”
“Aww.” Emma splays her hand against her heart.
“You’re so sweet,” Presley says. “Why can’t you be like him?” she playfully pokes at Mark.
“I love you. You know that.”
“But you should say things like he does.” Presley points to Leo.
Mark nervously looks toward us. Leo lowers his head as he frantically tries to control the smile. “You know what? You’re my sun.” I give Mark a little nod, silently encouraging him to say more sappy stuff, because Presley’s eating this up. “And you’re my stars...” A short pause as he tries to think of what else to say. “...that...um.” He gives me the eyes. The please help me; I’m sinking eyes. “...guide me through life.” Mark’s eyes widen, pleading for any of us to step in.
“Aww, baby,” Presley says as she turns in his arms and gives him a huge kiss.
Yep, okay. Now that’s a bit awkward. Leo tightens his grip more. “You look beautiful,” he whispers in my ear. His warm breath tickles the hair on my neck, and I grin as I look to him. I lean in, and give him a kiss on the cheek. For now, that’s the best I can do.
“Oh shit, Jane?” India says as she steps up to me, pulls me out of Leo’s embrace and hugs me. I drop my arms, not hugging her back. “Oh my God. Everyone was talking about you.”
My heart rate increases, and I can feel her setting off every trigger inside of me.
“You okay?” Leo asks, stepping forward and gripping my hand in his.
My nod is small and stiff. I don’t want to see her, and I hope to God Carson isn’t here. “That’s nice,” I say to India. Discreetly I look around the room, silently praying that I don’t see him.
“You look so good now that you’re skinny. Oh my God. We should totally hang out.”
“Nope, no we shouldn’t,” I say too loudly.
Her face drops. She steps back, and looks around us. “Excuse me? I was nice to you when no one else was.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You’ve never said, or done anything nice for me, or anyone else, in your life, India. I don’t want to hang out with you, because you’re toxic and dangerous. Excuse me, I’m here for my best friend’s birthday. And I don’t want to see you.”
India looks between us, dramatically turns, and walks away.
“Yay! There’s Jane,” Emma says and claps. “That’s the Jane I always knew you could be. Don’t ever let anyone fuck with you again, girl.” She gives me the biggest smile and holds her hand up for a high-five. “I’m hungry. I’m going to go help your parents get the food out,” she says
“I didn’t want her here, and I’m afraid you’ll find Carson might be around too. Why do my parents have to be friends with their parents?”
“I can handle him.” I’m totally working myself up to face him, and tell him what he did to me. Although I haven’t seen him, there are a lot of people here, so maybe I’ll get lucky and not run into him.
“Looks like the food is starting to come out.” Presley motions behind Leo and me. “Come on, I’m hungry too.” Presley and Mark go ahead, leaving us.
“You okay?” Leo asks.
“Yeah, I am. I’m better than okay.”
“Do you want me to get you something to eat?”
Unease gurgles in my stomach. Rolling my shoulders back, my mind is shaded by a dark cloud.
“Jane?” Leo says again.
“I’ll get my own food. I’ll go over with you though.”
Holding hands, I can feel myself trembling. Leo pulls me closer to him, and with his other arm, gently rubs his palms up and down my arm. The only thing I see is the table laid out with an enormous amount of food. There’s virtually everything on the table, from sliders, to chicken wings, vegetables, dips, cheese, and everything in between it all.
Leo hands me a plate, and I look down at the food, overwhelmed by the amount and variety.
Leo takes a little of all the vegetarian dishes, and I can’t seem to pick any one thing to put on my plate. Leo sees my empty plate, and sticks some extra things on his. “I’ve got enough for both of us,” he says.
I let out a sigh of relief. The fact he took over and did that calms my mind. I’m not forced to make a decision about what to put on my plate, meaning I don’t have to think about it.
Normally I’d be okay, but knowing Carson is somewhere close by is a bit too much. I actually want to leave, but this is my best friend’s birthday, and I’ve already done enough to put a fracture in our friendship. I don’t want to give her any more reason to turn her back on me completely.
As Leo and I are walking back to where Emma already is, I see him. Carson looks at me, turns away, then does a double-take. He makes a direct path toward me. Crap, crap, crap.
Something like you.
“Jane. India said she saw you. She also said you’re looking real good.” He’s obviously checking me out. His eyes running up and down my body.
Something like you.
“Who are you?” Leo asks, his tone short and cold.
“I’m Carson.” He lifts a brow to size up Leo.
“He’s no one,” I say loudly. “No one who deserves our attention.” My arms erupt in goosebumps. I keep my body steady, though on the inside, I’m in full-on panic mode. “And no one I should waste my breath on.” I turn my back on him, keeping my eyes on Leo’s murderous gaze. I know if Carson tries anything, Leo won’t let him.
“Carson, you’re a dick and we’re not even sure why you’re here,” Emma says to him.
I lift my head higher and straighten my back.
“Yeah, well you’re still fat, and you’ll never be pretty,” he huffs as he walks away.
Bastard. He knows that’ll cut me to the bone. I almost want to smack the food out of Leo’s hands so I don’t have to eat any.
Blinking rapidly, I use all my will power to hold in the tears. I refuse to let him have any more power over me. I watch as he casually walks away. He has a swagger to his stride, like he’s proud of what he’s done.
I can’t help myself. This has pushed me into the red zone. I run to him, and push him forward. Turning, he has his fists up, ready to fight me. I stand tall and get right up in his face. “You’re ugly, Carson.”
He smiles. “Then why do all the girls want me?” He lowers his fists.
“You have the ugliest heart and I hope, for your sake you fix it, before it’s too late. One day, you’ll be the one who’s responsible for a girl’s death, and you’ll have to live with that. Because that’s what you did to me. You nearly put me in the grave.”
He takes a step back. His eyes soften, and the smile on his face disappears. “What do you mean?” he asks, his voice so small that I can barely hear it over the music.
“You said to me, someone like you wouldn’t ever date something like me.” I hold back the tears. “You called me a something.” I stare him straight in the eyes. He has to know how powerful words can be.
“They’re just words, darling,” he mocks, but his cockiness has subdued somewhat.
I step closer to him, lean in and whisper, “You nearly killed me. Your words nearly killed me.” I back away, and say slowly, though in a louder voice. “You. Nearly. Killed. Me.” His face morphs into something much softer. “Your words are poisonous, Carson.” Everyone is now looking at Carson as I stare him down.
He stands blinking at me before finally saying, “I’m... sorry.” His chin quivers as he begs for my forgiveness.
I offer him nothing more than a small nod. This is my cue to leave. I don’t need to say or do anything else. I think that maybe he finally understands.
And now, I’m finally free from those words he once said to me. The ones that caused me to spiral. The ones that haunted me and stopped my heart. The ones that nearly killed me.
I’m not a something, I’m a someone. A confident, beautiful, worthy someone.
Pacing back and forth, I wait for five to hit.
Today’s the day I find out if I’ve been accepted into college for my nursing degree. The past twelve months have been a struggle, but I know I’m getting better with each passing day.
I’m able to maintain a hundred and fifteen pounds. I’m still considered underweight, but I’m healthier, and doing things the right way, so I’ll take a hundred and fifteen pounds over what I was at my lowest.
“Hello,” Leo calls as he opens the door and enters the house. I turn to look at him, and give him a nervous smile. He still makes those butterflies flutter, but nothing’s happened between us yet. “No news yet?”
“Nothing.” Taking my phone out of my pocket, I look at the time. “Ugh. Has time stopped today? How can it only be ten past twelve, considering I looked ages ago and it was three past twelve?”
“Hey, it’ll be okay. You’ll get in, I know you will.”
“Are you still stressing?” Mom asks as she comes out of her office. “Hello Leo. I keep telling her, she has nothing to worry about.” Mom walks over to Leo and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“I told her that too.”
Chewing on my nail, all I can think about is that I could’ve done better at the interview. “They hate me. I’m not going to get in.”
“Right, that’s it. I knew you were going to be a pain in the ass today. Give me your phone.” Leo holds his hand out for it. I look at him, questioning what’s going on. “Give it to me,” he orders.
“But I have...”
“Nope, you don’t. Give me your phone.” He thrusts his hand closer to me. Mom steps back, smiling. I give Leo my phone. He turns, and hands it to Mom. “Put this somewhere she can’t find it.”
“My pleasure.”
“Go, get changed. Just be comfortable.”
“What?”
“Do I have to say everything twice with you today? Go.”
Oh, assertive Leo. Hmmm, I like him even more when he’s like this. I walk to my room with a huge smile. I can hear Leo and Mom talking with low voices, obviously quiet enough so I can’t hear them. I change out of my jeans and blouse and throw on a pair of shorts, and a t-shirt. “Leo!” I call.
“Yeah?” he yells back.
“Flip-flops or shoes?”
“Whatever.”
Flip-flops it is. I come out, and find Leo standing by the front door, talking with Mom. Man, he’s so handsome. He’s nice and tall, with broad shoulders, and narrow hips. He really takes my breath away when I see him standing with the sun pouring in, highlighting his perfectly tanned skin. I feel like a school girl approaching her crush. Does he even know what he does to me? “So,” my voice breaks, and I instantly feel my face burn. I quickly hide my face, pretending I’m looking for something. “Have you seen my bag, Mom?”
“You don’t need a bag,” Leo says.
Come on face, stop being red. “I’ll go to the bathroom before we leave.” Good for you, Jane. Run and hide so he doesn’t see the effect he has on you!
Why do I feel so giddy when I’m around Leo? We hang out, we’re friends, we go out to places all the time, but nothing happens.
Man, I wonder if he feels the same way about me.
Something like you.
Are you kidding me? Now is not a good time for stupid insecurities to come out. “Nope, not today. You can fuck off.” I flick my hand as if swatting at an annoying bug.
I stare at myself in the mirror, and notice how different I am to the way I was even a year ago. My cheeks aren’t as drawn in, there are no dark circles below my eyes, and I look happier. I’m more confident in myself.
I take several breaths, pull my shoulders back and go out to Leo and Mom.
Leo’s face lights up, his eyes full of happiness when he sees me. “You ready?” he asks.
“Yep, I’m good now.”
“Great, let’s go.”
“Where are we going? Bye, Mom.” I give her a kiss.
“Bye, have a good time, kids.”
“Where are we going?” this time asking Mom. Leo’s not going to tell me.
“You’ll have to ask Leo.”
Mom pointedly looks over to Leo. Leo shrugs. “You’ll have to wait to see.”
Leo and I walk out to his car, where like a true gentleman, he opens the passenger door for me. I get in, and he walks around to the driver’s side, but not before he smiles at me through the windshield.
He gets in, clicks in his seatbelt, and starts his car. “So, where are we going?”
“Out.”
“I’ve gathered. But where is out?”
“Somewhere.”
“Can you be any more cryptic?” I ask, smiling.
“Um, yep.” He nods.
We drive for a while, about twenty-five minutes, listening to music and not really talking. But it’s not an awkward silence. It’s easy, and relaxed. I watch as he takes a few turns, then figure out we’re heading to the beach. “Ahhh, the beach,” I say.
“Yeah, I like getting out here. It clears my head.”
“You haven’t brought me here before.” He parks the car, and we both get out. He goes to the trunk, opens it, and gets out a picnic basket. “A picnic!”
“This is one of my favorite places.” He holds the picnic basket in one hand, and takes mine in the other. He leads me down a pathway that takes us directly on the beach. It’s not crowded; actually, it’s pretty deserted. The weather is cool, not hot, not cold. I regret wearing just a t-shirt. I should’ve brought a sweater with me.
“I love it here so much.” He opens the top of the picnic basket, and gets a thin blanket he lays on the sand. I sit, and watch as Leo handles everything.
The sea has a bite of roughness to it. A fine spray lightly touches our skin when the waves break against the rocks just up the beach.
A shiver runs up my spine, when the misty water, and the cool of the breeze meet my exposed arms. Leo sees me shiver, and takes out another thin blanket from the picnic basket. He moves behind me and places it over my shoulders. I peer into the basket, and Leo catches me looking. “What?”
