Perfectly Thin, page 24
She opens her laptop, does something, then turns it around to me. On the screen is a picture of me. Oh my God. Instantly, I look away. “Shit,” I whisper. “I’m so fat.” It’s a photo taken at Emma’s birthday. It feels like years ago. When I looked horrific.
“What do you see?”
Without a single second of hesitation, I say, “A fat pig.”
“Okay. I need you to look at the picture, because I have something I need you to do.” It takes me a good few minutes to find the strength and see how repulsive I am. “See these?” She points to the up and down keys on the laptop.
“Yeah.”
“I want you to use the keys, and show me how you see yourself.”
“Like in this picture?” I ask.
“No, I want to know how you see yourself right now, in this very moment, in this very room.”
“Okay.”
“The up arrow means you think you’re fatter, the down arrow means you think you’re skinnier.”
I set the laptop on my thighs, and start pressing the up button. As I press the button, the picture on the screen gets wider and wider and wider. I keep going, until the up button won’t go up anymore. “It stopped getting fatter,” I say. “Is it broken?”
The girl on the screen is exactly the girl I see when I look in the mirror. She’s fat beyond what any normal person can be. The rolls on her legs stretch her pants. Her neck has disappeared and her head looks like it’s sitting on her shoulders. My God. How can I look so bad?
“Jane,” Izzy says. I look over to her, and realize I’m crying. “Why are you crying?”
“Because I’ve let myself go so badly. No one will ever love me if I don’t look better than that.”
“Slow your thoughts down, Jane.” She reaches over and gently squeezes my leg. Picking up her phone, she does something.
The door opens, and Mom walks through. She tucks her phone in her back pocket before rushing over to me. I hand the laptop back to Izzy, jump up and run to Mom. Throwing myself in her arms, I hold her so tight. “I don’t want to let go,” I whisper.
“I’m so relieved you’re here,” she softly sighs.
We stand hugging for maybe a moment, or maybe an hour. “Angela, I’m pleased you could join us,” Izzy says.
It’s our cue to break apart. “What are you doing here, Mom?” I ask. As we head over to the love seat, I notice Izzy’s moved, and is now leaning against the arm of the arm chair.
“Isabel asked us to come.”
“Us?” I look to the door. “Who else is here?”
“Yeah, um.” Mom rubs her hand across her mouth. “Dad’s gone to get a coffee.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Angela, Jane and I are working on how Jane sees herself. I’ve given her this laptop, and on the laptop is a picture of Jane. What I asked her to do was to either increase or decrease the size, so we can see what she sees.”
“That’s why you asked for a recent photo,” Mom says.
“Yes. If you’d both care to sit, I’d like for you to see what Jane thinks.”
Mom and I sit on the lounge, and I’m blown away that both of us can sit here without me squashing Mom. Mind-blown.
Izzy opens the laptop, then swings it around so we can both see it. “Shit,” Mom says.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’ve let myself go. I’m so ashamed.” I lower my chin, and find a spot on the carpet to stare at.
“Angela, this button puts the weight up, so essentially making Jane’s image fatter. This one, makes Jane’s image thinner. Could you show Jane what you see when you look at her please.”
“Oh, okay,” Mom says slowly. Mom takes the laptop, and starts hitting the arrow down key. The picture distorts, and when she keeps hitting the down key, and it doesn’t change, she says, “It won’t go any lower.”
My heart skips a beat, and an icy cold stream starts at the top of my head, and slowly cascades down through my body. “You think I look like that?” The girl’s face is drawn, her legs look like they’re just about to snap, and she’s so thin, she could easily hurt herself if she fell.
“No, Jane. I don’t think you look like that. That’s how you look,” Mom says.
Mom can’t be right. I’m fat. I’m horrendously enormous. She’s wrong. She has to be.
“Thank you, Angela. Do you mind sending Tom in?”
Mom leans over and gives me a small hug, and a kiss on the cheek. “Wait, where are you going?” I ask. “Why...?”
“I’ll be back soon.”
Mom stands and heads out. But within seconds, Dad comes in. I break down crying when I see him. My heart is full of despair. I rub at my chest in vain. “Dad.”
Dad looks like a mess. His hair is messy, his clothes are rumpled and creased, and he hasn’t shaved in what looks like days. “Jane,” he says as he manages to offer me a small smile. He sits beside me, and he immediately brings me in for a tight embrace. “I’m so proud of you, darling.”
“Tom,” Izzy’s greeting breaks our connection, and when he lets go, I wipe at the tears clinging to my cheeks and sit back. “I’m going to give you this laptop.” She hands it to Dad. Izzy flicks it to life, and my picture has gone back to its original sizing. “Using the up and down keys, could you please show Jane how you see her.”
“Okay,” Dad says hesitantly. Dad presses the down key once, and it makes a small change. So slight, most people wouldn’t be able to tell. He then holds his finger on the down button. The picture changes, morphs from fat, to so thin and sickly. “It won’t go down any further,” Dad says and looks up to Izzy. “Why won’t it go down any more?”
Izzy takes the laptop, and holds it facing both Dad and me.
“Are you sure?” I ask.
“Do you want to see how Jane sees herself?”
“I don’t want to do that again,” I say, shaking my head. “I...” Tears fall, and my body trembles.
“This is how Jane sees herself.” She presses a button on the laptop, and it toggles to what I did. She then shows both pictures next to each other. “Jane, this is how you see you, and this is how everyone else sees you.” I stare at the contrasting images. One’s fake, and one’s real. “Thank you, Tom. Please send in Jane’s grandparents.”
“No!” I yell. “Not Papou and Yiayia. Please, don’t make them do this,” I beg.
Dad doesn’t know what to do. He looks to me, then to Izzy. “I...” Dad shrugs. His red eyes betray him, and tears fall.
“Please, please no, not them,” I shamelessly beg Izzy.
“You have to know what everyone who loves you sees.”
“Wh... what do you mean by everyone?” I ask.
Izzy takes my hand, and holds it. But she gives Dad a small nod. Dad stands, goes to the door, and opens it.
Yiayia and Papou come in next. I jump off the love seat, and run to them, hugging them both. Then Cleo and Daphne come in. I extend my arms, and they come into the hug with us. My soul is ripping apart. But then, Emma and Presley file into the room. “I can’t believe you’re all here,” I say.
There are lots of tears and no one is speaking. No one needs to.
“Thank you, everyone, for being here today,” Izzy says breaking up this highly emotional moment. I pull away, though I hold Papou’s hand. Izzy places the closed laptop on the small lounge. She stands in front of us. “Jane’s journey through recovery won’t be easy, but it’s not only her journey. It’s one we’ll all embark on with her. I’m sure we all want the best for Jane.”
“Yes,” everyone echoes.
“I’ll leave you all to it. Jane, you’re scheduled for a full medical work-up this afternoon.”
I look around, as if she shouldn’t be saying this in front of everyone. But, I guess, she’s holding me responsible. “Okay,” I say.
“I’ll leave you with your family and friends for a while.”
Izzy leaves the room. And I step back, looking at everyone. “My heart is full with everyone being here. Thank you,” I say.
Izzy said this is going to be hard, and I now have no doubt, this isn’t only going to be hard. This is going to be heavy, confronting, demanding, but in the end, hopeful.
Opening my door, I take myself down the hall to look around. I’ve been here for two days, and haven’t ventured out past my room. My parents came in yesterday, but I was overwhelmed, and tired, not feeling up for any visitors.
Today, I’m feeling better. My heart doesn’t hurt as much. Nor does my soul.
I hear people talking, and walk toward the direction of the noise. There’s a lot of commotion coming from a room, and when I look in, I see a bunch of people, all sitting around a dining table. “Jane, pleased you could make breakfast,” Izzy says.
There are three guys and four girls all sitting around the table. “Hey, I’m Parker,” one of the guys says.
“Hey.” I smile at him. I hesitantly walk in further, and sit at an unoccupied seat. My gaze darts around the room, I kinda wanna get out of here. There’s a platter of food on the table, and it has some toast, pancakes, bagels, and waffles. Beside it there’s a bowl of fruit with bananas, strawberries, and oranges. There are also two jugs, one that’s empty and one that’s full of OJ.
“The rule in here is whatever we choose, we have to have at least one bite of,” one of the girls says.
“Oh, right.”
“Hi, I’m Erica.” She smiles warmly.
“Hi.” My gaze flashes around, and I can’t help but check out what’s on everyone’s plate.
“Jane, you’ve already met Parker and Erica, and going around the table, this is Tia, Wade, Karen, Winona and Russell,” Izzy introduces. One by one they all greet me with either a smile, or a small wave. “What would you like for breakfast?”
I look at the table, and other than the fruit, all the other things are laden with calories. I stare at the fruit, deciding what I should eat. “Um,” I say as I sit staring and doing the calorie math in my head. If I have a strawberry, then I probably need to do at least ten minutes of sit-ups to burn it off.
“Jane,” Izzy says in a slower, deeper voice.
“Yes.” I look up at her, and she’s staring at me.
“I’m not sure. Um.” I lift my hand, and reach for a strawberry, but my stomach clamps rigid, and I retract my hand. “I’m not hungry,” I say.
“Okay.” Izzy looks over my shoulder, and nods. “Excuse me all, I’m needed elsewhere. Leo will stay with you.” Izzy stands, and walks out, and Leo comes in and sits with us.
“Does that happen often?” I ask.
“What? Us being babysat like we’re two-year old toddlers?” Wade snaps as he rolls his eyes. “All the fucking time.”
“Well, if you didn’t act like a two-year-old toddler, then I wouldn’t have to treat you like one,” Leo bites back.
Wade’s face flushes with embarrassment, before he turns his back on Leo and crosses his arms in front of his chest.
Holy shit, what just happened? Um, maybe I don’t actually belong here. Maybe I should leave. I push my chair out, and go to stand. “Where are you going?” Leo asks, his voice much gentler than it was with Wade.
“I was going to go back to my room.”
“Nope, once you sit in that chair, you wait until breakfast is over. The bathrooms are locked for half an hour after each meal too.”
Oh my God. “In case you want to stick your fingers down your throat,” Wade says.
“Yeah, I don’t do that,” I say.
“Well, some of us do.” He pointedly looks across to Tia.
“Stop being such a bitch,” Tia yells at him. “Like you’re fucking perfect, you loser!”
“Someone gets snarky when she hasn’t eaten,” Wade continues. He seems proud of himself for making Tia yell.
I look over at her, and she has tears in her eyes. She also seems pretty young, like younger than all of the rest of us. Mind you, I already know Karen is probably the oldest. Maybe like twenty-five or something. And Tia, maybe like a year or so younger than me. “I know what you’re doing, Wade, and it’s not going to work.”
“What am I doing?”
“What you always do. Start a fight so I can send you to your room. How about this? No. I’m not sending you to your room.” Leo smiles.
“That’s not what I’m doing, but yeah, whatever,” Wade mumbles in a tone low enough for us all to strain to hear him, but loud enough that we can hear him.
Okay, so Wade’s a trouble maker. This is obvious. I’m not sure about the others. Tia sniffles, and I try not to look at her directly, but when she wipes at her eyes, I can’t help but feel a pang of guilt in my heart for her. Wade’s made her cry.
“Nice one,” I vent at this jack-ass. “You made her cry.”
“It’s okay, Jane,” Tia says.
“No, it’s not. You can’t say things like that just because you’re an ass.”
Wade looks at me, his mouth opens as he stares, disbelieving that I’ve actually said something to him. “Leo, aren’t you going to do anything?”
Leo crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Why? You want me to say something because she hurt your feelings? Let me see, nope. If you can dish it out, you have to be able to take it too.” Leo shrugs.
“That’s not fair,” Wade protests.
“Hang on a moment, you’re saying you get free reign to be an ass, but once I stand up to you, you don’t like it?” I say.
“Nah, that’s not...”
“Yeah, Wade. That’s exactly what you said,” Russell butts in for my defense.
“Right, breakfast is over,” Leo says. Wade is up and out of here so fast, I barely see him leave. Everyone else slowly shuffles out, hanging together in their already established cliques. I hang back, not really sure what happened. I start stacking the plates. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Leo, what happened?”
“Wade’s new, and angry, and he thinks he can talk to everyone like that because it’s always worked for him.”
“Why doesn’t anyone say anything to him?” I ask.
Leo clicks his tongue while he thinks about what to say. “Tia’s young, and she doesn’t know how to deal with people like Wade yet. And the others, they’re either quiet or they have a lot of things going on and don’t want to be faced with yet another confrontation, especially not one that doesn’t directly pertain for them.”
“But it’s not right, what he said.”
“No, it’s not.”
“But you didn’t say anything.”
“No, I didn’t.” He closes the door and we slowly walk down the hall.
“Why?”
“Because I’m not their father.”
“But you have a duty of care.”
“I do. But it’s pointless to go up against Wade’s bad attitude.”
“Wade will end up getting punched if he keeps talking to people like that, belittling them and making them feel worse than they already do.”
“Probably,” he says. “It wouldn’t be the first time, and it won’t be the last.”
I stop walking, and so does Leo. “Then why didn’t you say anything?”
The side of his mouth pulls up in a lopsided smile. “Because in here, there’s a lot to learn. And Wade will discover how unpopular he is, on his own. If we force it, it’s not him learning anything, it’s something we’ve contrived to fuck with him, which means it becomes useless because he’s unwilling. The Butterfly Wing, Jane, is about learning to not only survive, but also how to become a productive, healthy member of society. For some people, it can happen virtually immediately and we never see them in here again. For others, we’ll see them again, and again, and again.”
I start moving forward again, toward the door of my room. I wonder where I stand on the spectrum. Is this enough for me to get better, or will I relapse and make The Butterfly Wing a second home?
“Jane, are you ready for your appointment with Izzy?” one of the other nurses asks.
“Um, yeah, I suppose I am.”
“I’ll walk you down,” Leo offers. We head toward Izzy’s office, and I’m still thinking about what Leo’s said. “You’re unusually quiet,” he notices.
“I’m thinking.”
“What about?”
“About if I’m going to be a repeat offender, or if I’m going to be able to move on from here.”
We get to Izzy’s office which is down the hall, turn to the left then down a short hallway to the right. “The decision is yours and yours alone, Jane. Only one person can make that happen. And it’s not me, or Izzy, or anyone else.” He smiles, and turns to walk away. “See you a bit later.” I stand watching him, but he says over his shoulder, “You have to knock, ‘cause Izzy isn’t psychic, and she can’t see through wooden doors.” Then he disappears around the corner.
What is it with Leo? Why do I feel something when I’m around him? He challenges me, and I like that.
I think.
Knocking on the door, I hear Izzy call, “Come in.”
“Hi,” I say as I open the door and walk into her office. The size of the room is similar to the one I’m in. The difference is she has a desk with a laptop on it, a stack of papers, a few pens, and a bookcase that has rows of books. By the looks of them, they’re mostly books about eating disorders. There’s also a love seat, exactly the same as the one in my room, and four chairs.
“Jane.” She looks up from her computer and smiles. “How are you settling in?” She stands, and walks over to the front of her desk. “Here, sit.”
Looking around, I pick the love seat, and sit right up against the corner. “Um, okay, I guess. Wade’s challenging.”
“Yes, he can be, I suppose. But we all have our own demons and trials we have to confront.” She swings her laptop around, grabs it, then sits in one of the spare four chairs. “But I want to talk about you, and how you’re doing. I got your physical results back, and there are some things going on.”
“Like what?”
“Well, you already know you had a heart attack, but do you know why?”
“Um, I suppose it’s because I’m not eating.”
“Well, essentially, yes. There are a few things that happen to our body when we drastically avoid food, like you have been.”
