Where the Vile Things Are, page 7
But the one place you did make your mistake was to message him after. You do best when you are in conversation with him, when you can disarm him in the moment, and make him reach for whatever moral grandstanding he can find to stay on his high horse (which is very high indeed) and you seize the opportunity to knock it right out from under him so that he is paralyzed.
After reading the message you sent him, and the one he sent back, I will tell you that in the time it takes to compose a message, this is where you have failed and Stefan has won. He was given the chance to analyze everything to death, and as a result, was able to pick apart your motives. Though, in the end, even from his message and what he said, it is obvious that he has no actual concept of what those motives really are underneath what he can see on the surface.
You need to do all that you can do, when face-to-face with Stefan. That is when you are at your best; the moment—a psychological duel—has always been your strong point. I suggest you get your shit together and get back on track. There was a tone of mocking in your message, almost as if you were yielding each declaration and accusation as a weapon to harm, rather than a plea for understanding. I really don’t think he caught on to this, but does it matter? Not really, and if you’re not careful, he will catch on and all feeling for you will turn to repulsion.
I advise you don’t let that happen. Declaring ‘I love you’ is the same as saying ‘I give my control to you and I am nothing.’ Most would not understand this, but I think Stefan Tourvel does—in his own way—and he is therefore wary of all of it.
We really do need to talk about Cécile. I think it will give you a good laugh in all of your boredom you keep expressing to me. Give me a call or something. I’m really impressed by her, and she really trusts me in everything. I may be finished with my task before you even get to put your hand on Stefan’s dick.
MESSAGE XXXIV
To: Oliver Merteuil
From: Nathan Valmont
Date: August, 25th, 20__
So, in the end, your entire message could have simply been summed up with: to advance in love, it’s better to do things in person than in any sort of text? Yeah, Oliver, no shit!
The problem is that ever since our last exchange, the little shit has been extremely successful in avoiding me. He leaves the house as early as possible, spends as much time with his sister as he can, and basically stays away from the house as much as he can.
It’s so fucking annoying, and I’ve written him twice, only to have them unanswered. Though, hilariously, at one point I received a message from him, and when I opened it, it was just my message sent back to me. I was really fucking pissed over this, and you know my temper, but whatever; I let it go. I would like to be face-to-face with him, but at this point that’s not going to happen, so all I can do is keep messaging him until he does me the kindness of responding.
The last message I sent, I know he actually read, and at this point I have had nothing back. He opened the message right there in front of everyone as I came downstairs and caught him at the breakfast table. He had been reading it and didn’t realize I had come in. When he did, oh man! His face was stone, but apparently, according to Ashton, before I appeared—when he had just opened the email—Ashton saw Stefan blush ever so slightly.
I asked him: “Is everything okay?”
His reply before getting up and leaving: “Just some asshole sending me some really offensive crap. Doesn’t matter; I’ve already deleted it.”
I smirked, and would you believe, he smirked back?! It was so slight, but it was there! There is a game here—one we are both playing. He may run from his feelings for now, but his desire for me keeps him here. With me. And it will continue to do so.
MESSAGE XXXV
(The following two messages were retrieved from Nathan Valmont’s ‘sent’ folder. These are believed to be the two messages as mentioned to Oliver Merteuil that went unanswered from Stefan Tourvel.)
To: Stefan Tourvel
From: Nathan Valmont
Date: August, 23rd, 20__
What am I supposed to do but continue to try to prove to you that all of those things you have accused me of—and so quickly, I might add—are so far from the person I am; at least now that I have spent time with you and gotten to know you and be taken in by you.
I am extremely hurt by the way you have treated me since I confessed what I feel, and I didn’t expect anything in return in telling you. I didn’t expect you to turn around and say: “I have feelings for you, too” or anything like that. As I stated in my last message, I just couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. It hurt me too much to carry this secret.
But you want me to keep it a secret. You wished I had never told you my feelings in the first place, and if that is the case, then fine, I will do my best to act as if it never happened if that is what you want. I had never anticipated you would be such a dick about it, and had I known that beyond your kindness there was this other side of you that would turn at the drop of a hat, then I suppose I wouldn’t have bothered in telling you.
As for these “friends” who you say know me so well and have warned you against me, I think I deserve to know who these people are. You accuse me of things based on what these people told you, but even a person on trial (as it appears I am) has a right to know their accusers and the crimes which they are being put on trial for. Not generalizations, but actual examples of what I have done that make me so dangerous to you.
You’re right, though; I don’t like your husband. I don’t even understand how you can be with someone who says that systemic sexism and racism is a lie, who makes it his goal to attack social movements geared towards addressing the oppression by those in power and the plight of the oppressed. I do not understand what you see in him in private that is such a contrast to the guy he shows himself to be in public, who is so polarizing and despised by so many. But that is for you to deal with.
I have no right to you or your feelings, and if it seemed that in my telling you how I felt that I was trying to do so, then I am really sorry. This is all new to me. As for deleting the email... I am sorry, but I won’t. Perhaps if I read it over and over again enough times, it will eventually harden me to you and dissolve my feelings. At the present moment though, I don’t see that happening.
I really don’t want to upset you, or piss you off or anything, I honestly just want to be friends, and I really did hope that in telling you, you would see there is more to me than this idea of me as some unfeeling piece of shit, and that in my capability of feeling this love for you, you would see that I am worthy of friendship and that I would never do anything to harm you.
MESSAGE XXXVI
(Second message)
To: Stefan Tourvel
From: Nathan Valmont
Date: August, 24th, 20__
You continue to ignore me and act like I don’t exist. You’re here in my aunt’s house and we are under one roof, and yet, we might as well be a city apart. You despise me so much for telling you how I feel about you? I didn’t know that you were here, though if I had, it would not have stopped me from coming, this is true. Not having known you would be here, I couldn’t expect that I would be experiencing the rollercoaster of emotions that I have been going through.
Love, like, crushes, feelings, etc.; these have all been foreign to me, this is true. These things have never once been in my nature, but when I got here and met you in person, outside of what I have known of you publically; I did find you hot. Of course I did, because you are and you know that you are, but as I got to know you, your attractiveness became the thing about you that I cared for the least.
In just being here, away from my life back in the city, I allowed myself to let down my guard and relax and give in to the moment, and as a result, it was your kindness, the way you showed care for others—the care and respect that you show for my aunt—that made me begin to feel more and more for you, so that before I knew it and before I was prepared for it, I started to miss you when you weren’t around and light up inside whenever you were.
I have never felt this before—and honestly—I don’t know how to handle it! I guess I fucked up in telling you, but you have to understand that the reason I was so quiet on the ride back from the community center was because I was lost in my feelings and trying to fight against them, and fight against the urge in telling you. When we got back and we were alone together, it just came out! I couldn’t keep it in any longer and so I told you.
I’m an idiot when it comes to this love shit. Aside from my aunt and my best friend Oliver, I have not felt this close to anyone or this protective of another that what they do or don’t do—or feel or don’t feel—could have an impact on my own happiness in the day-to-day. I don’t know how to behave or how to act because I’ve never been in this position before, so forgive me if I’m stumbling along blindly and just blurting shit out that I probably shouldn’t, or not handling things tactfully. I’m trying. Please believe me that I’m trying.
So, since telling you, I have been existing in my heartache and trying everything I can to hide it from everyone else, and when I am alone—especially at night—I lie in bed feeling the full extent of this pain when no one else is around to see me so weak and crippled by these emotions.
The fact that you don’t seem to care either way just adds to this pain, but it does not make me hate you. If anything, it just makes me ache for you more because you continue to shine so brightly.
So, here it is, my confession and reason and me humbling myself to you, Stefan. Please, try to look beyond what you have been told in gossip and see the person I am in front of you. The person visibly sad and in pain and who is asking for nothing in return but your friendship, and allowing me to prove that I am worthy of friendship.
Take care,
Nathan
MESSAGE XXXVII
To: Isabelle Pratt
From: Stefan Tourvel
Date: August, 25th, 20__
So you’re more than probably right about Nathan, and I admit this—hoping you don’t make a big thing of it. I don’t know what to make of him anymore, and I’d rather not try only to find that I’ve gotten myself into a situation that I can’t get out of. If he is everything that he is known to be and what you tell me he is, and then here can so easily be the opposite, then he really is a dangerous person.
I will find a way to get him to leave Napa and go back to San Francisco. I can’t ask him or his aunt outright because that will look totally fucked on my part. I can’t leave, once again because of my commitment to his aunt and her foundation, but also because, as I stated, it would only cause suspicion with Nico and I don’t need that crap.
If he really cares about me as he claims, then I can probably persuade him to leave on his own. I’m not exactly sure yet how I’m going to pull that off, but in a strange way, if he does, then it will show that he is not as selfish as you have said and even as he has said.
I’ll let you know. Wish me luck, I’m going to need it!
MESSAGE XXXVIII
To: Nathan Valmont
From: Oliver Merteuil
Date: August, 27th, 20__
Nathan,
I really think you have screwed yourself out of a good time by not taking up my request to get involved with Cécile. She’s gorgeous and yet completely unaware; she clings to her “values” because she feels she has to and that is how she has been raised, but honestly, the more and more time I hang out with her, the more obvious it becomes that she doesn’t want any of it and desires to break from her upbringing.
She confides everything to me and is actually pretty duplicitous when it comes to my cousin and her family. She asks for my advice in everything, and I of course give it to her, to my advantage. She tells me that she really shouldn’t drink as much as she has been, and then is the first one to order shots and bottle service when we go out! I took her to dinner and then to the opera. I bought her an Alexander McQueen gown... it’s such an old but reliable tactic. Give the gift of beauty and expense to people who don’t know any better, and they commit their loyalty to you without even realizing it. The oath was sworn right then and there... you could see it in her eyes, and now she will turn to me for everything.
Rafael Danceny is slow and timid. He gets so aggressive in his social and political convictions, but when it comes to Cécile, well... he’s a shy little puppy who can’t even make a move. Supposedly they went out for dinner and back to his place to “Netflix and chill”, but they apparently just watched a documentary about some bleeding heart issue, then that was it; he didn’t even attempt to kiss her, from what she tells me.
I guess it ended awkwardly enough, and now he constantly attempts to make her aware of the sin of simply being herself and how in just existing, it seems she oppresses every minority around her. She feels as if she is getting enlightened while constantly apologizing for existing! Ugh! Right now, without you, this is all I have to work with and I have to make do.
We talked about Jeremy. I didn’t let on that I knew him personally, but I did tell her all I knew from having gone to Berkley with him and how everyone knew about him because he was such a presence on campus. By the time I was through, you could see her interest in marrying him begin to dissolve. She had already expressed to me her uncertainty in going forward with him, but her need to please family, and her fear of going against “the word of God” is so pronounced in the back of her mind, that it still seems in the end she will go through with it.
We talked about marriage and the different kinds of marriage, that if she is so fearful of breaking this commitment and her family turning their back on her for doing so, that she will marry him, then she needs to simply find a way to make her marriage work to her benefit. Whatever that will look like. I didn’t tell her flat-out to cheat, but I did make sure to put the seed in her head in a way that if she decides to do so, it will be all her decision and no one else’s.
I once again stressed to her that I don’t believe in purposely hurting other people, and that perhaps what she is feeling is just the overwhelming newness in really being on her own in a great city like San Francisco, and that she may just be feeling confused and that maybe she simply needs to get this out of her system. She isn’t married yet and Jeremy Gercourt is far away right now, and since she won’t see him for a while yet, at least not until November, she should take advantage of the freedom that she has and deal with these feelings. She’s like a bitch in heat and hopefully this will propel her to get more aggressive with Rafael.
We shall see.
Anyways, I need to hop in the shower.
Hope all is going well.
MESSAGE XXXIX
To: Sophie Carnay
From: Cécile Volanges
Date: August, 27th, 20__
At this point I don’t know what to think or what to do! If I had just stayed at Wheaton and close to home, then I would be able to go on as I had—but then if I had, I would have never gotten to experience the freedom and all of the new things that I am getting to experience here in this magical city!
The other night I went out to the opera with Oliver. It was really great to do something without Isabelle. She’s just always hanging around, and I can’t say whatever’s on my mind. I do love her though. She’s always been a really good friend to me, but she is so “moral” that all it does is come out in judgments, and Oliver doesn’t judge.
He surprised me with an amazing Alexander McQueen gown! I have never imagined I would wear a dress like this, and the generosity in this gift makes me love him even more!
We talked about Jeremy. He doesn’t know him personally, but he was apparently really infamous on campus at Berkley, and the things I’ve learned... I just feel like I don’t know Jeremy at all. Perhaps he changed when he came to finish his senior year at Wheaton, maybe that’s why he came in the first place, but then he supports that vile candidate and hangs out with that viper Nico Mitsopoulos (who Isabelle knows as well, and says he just does it all for attention and to make people “think”) that I don’t know what I feel anymore.
I know there are tons of Christians out there who don’t go through with marriages or who get divorced, but that is not how I was raised, and it has been pointed out to me over and over again that divorce is a sin. I need to be with someone who stands for all that is right, true, and Christian, and according to my parents, that is Jeremy; he and my father are thick as thieves at this point. I know that if I were to end things with Jeremy, my family would want nothing to do with me.
Oliver brought up that maybe I’ve just been so sheltered in my life that now that I am here, I’m like a bird free from the cage, and I need to get this thing out of my system. That “thing” being Rafael Danceny.
The more and more time I spend with Rafael, the more and more I love him! What the hell am I doing?! I don’t even know anymore! What I do know is that the idea of having to say goodbye to all of this... to say goodbye to him and marry Jeremy and start a family with him, etc., it makes me want to die!
If Jeremy stayed away indefinitely, then I wouldn’t have to choose. But that makes me selfish.
I’m sorry I haven’t called or Skyped recently, but it’s not because I’m so busy with my “care-free life”, as you implied. Let’s make a date soon.
I love you!
MESSAGE XL
To: Oliver Merteuil
From: Nathan Valmont
August, 27th 20__
It is not enough that Stefan doesn’t answer my messages, nor even bothers to read them; he also insists that I leave. What will surprise you more is that I’m willing to submit to this demand. You probably think I’m being weak in doing so, but I could not pass up an opportunity to willingly submit to his orders that way. It not only gives Stefan the illusion that he is in control and that I have given to the will of his convictions, but that it will allow for him some time to once again relax his guard. Plus, the skill in which he has taken to ensure that he is never alone with me has placed me in a dangerous situation in regards to my mission, which I need to get out of as soon as possible.
