Where the Vile Things Are, page 32
Emilie and I went to the restaurant—the same that Stefan was meeting his friends at—and Emilie and I got ourselves a table right in clear view of the front window. Stefan showed up, as I figured he would have, and took off as soon as he got over the horrified shock in seeing us together.
Emilie and I both had a great laugh about it. We spent all night laughing in her bed as we fucked. What amused Emilie even more was when I had reminded her that Stefan was the same person who I wrote to months ago while using her plump cheeks as my desk.
Honestly, I felt so satisfied that I didn’t think about Stefan at all until I left Emilie’s this morning.
Of course; I received texts from the poor boy telling me to stay away, rot in hell, etc. The tone isn’t the same, though... it’s weaker than it has ever been before; empty. I’ve decided to head over to his suite immediately to get his forgiveness.
You see, I don’t have any actual value on things continuing between Stefan and me. It’s only because I don’t win in this, if I’m the one dumped; in this, you are the only one who deserves the right and the honor of dismantling and rejecting me.
He’s already texted me again and told me to stay away from him and to leave him alone; you can hear the want in it and so I go to cash in on it and break him down; so that this can be decimated on my terms. Sorry, I gotta cut this short.
Goodbye Ollie; I love you.
MESSAGE CXXXIX
To: Vanessa Rosemonde
From: Stefan Tourvel
November 16th 20__
I am so sorry for having bothered you with my panic over Nathan yesterday! It’s all right. Everything is forgiven and forgotten. It was a misunderstanding on my end, and Nathan did nothing wrong. I just let my insecurities get the better of me and I threw accusations at him and ran to you before actually letting him explain himself.
The truth is, I don’t even know how I’m going to make it up to Nathan. What I accused him of was so awful, and the look on his face—the pain in his eyes—I never want him to look at me that way ever again! I never want to do anything ever again that will hurt him like I have hurt him now.
I’m not going to go into all of the reasons I have to forgive him and why he has done nothing wrong; you’ll probably doubt it. I can tell you that though I forgive him and recognize that the onus of this is on me; Nathan continues to blame himself for it and continues to pledge his love to me and his promise to do better and to be better and more mindful in the future.
I love him and I don’t want to lose that love. The thought of not having him anymore—of being alone and having no one else and nowhere else to turn—if it wasn’t for Nathan’s love and generosity, I would have had to return to Charleston; there was no way I could keep paying for the room. I would be a fool to walk away from that love when it is so genuine and kind and real!
I’m sorry again if what I emailed upset you. Things really are great between us and I need to accept once and for all that despite his past, Nathan Valmont really does love me and wants to take care of me.
I hope to hear back from you soon!
MESSAGE CXL
To: Oliver Merteuil
From: Nathan Valmont
November 21st 20__
I don’t understand, Oliver. I messaged you five days ago; I should have heard back from you by now. I am really annoyed by this—pissed, actually—so I am not going to go into too much detail with everything that matters and concerns me.
The fact that the reconciliation worked and that instead of suspicion or hesitation, it resulted in even stronger declarations of love and devotion, and that I was given excuses and apologies and pleads for forgiveness from him for misunderstanding; none of this you deserve to know.
I’m actually only messaging you to inform you that I have been called out of town myself in regards to Cécile. You see, my contact got back in touch with me and he has discovered some of the most fascinating information regarding Jeremy Gercourt. So interesting and compromising that I have to go review it and collect it in person.
Is the gulf between us so wide that it’ll never be fixed? Everything I do, I do for you, my love. Even this—hopping a plane to travel half-way across the world to collect sensitive information to bring you justice, and to satisfy a revenge that you yourself can’t get out from under; it’s all for you!
I don’t know what else I can do—how else I can prove to you that I love you and only you and no one is ever going to be worthy of me or my heart other than you.
Is that gulf—that chasm—really so wide that we are no longer what we once were?
I would allow myself to believe it if the thought of it didn’t automatically make me feel as if I had just been stabbed in the chest and split open. I need to believe in it. I need to believe in you and me. I have to believe in us.
Message me back.
MESSAGE CXLI
To: Nathan Valmont
From: Oliver Merteuil
November 24th 20__
Jesus Christ, Nathan. You’re really irritating me with your constant insistence that I respond to you, when YOU want me to; on YOUR time-table, apparently. Do you think I don’t respond to you because I have nothing to say? Do you think my silence means I have no defense against your points and that you haven’t done anything wrong? I wish! The truth is, I haven’t said anything because what I have to say are truths I don’t want to say out loud as they are painful realizations!
Be honest with me, are you lying to me or to yourself? The difference between what you say and what you do force me to have to ask you this question. What is the truth? What do you think that I could possibly say to you or any of this, when I have no idea what to think about any of it myself?
You really tried to push the narrative that your last situation with Stefan proves to me that you do not love him and that I am wrong. But what did you actually prove? I never told you once that you would be incapable of cheating on Stefan; I even told you that you could find all of those charms in him that you think are so unique, in others—and that it would bring you the same pleasure and satisfy the same thing. Which your night with Emilie did; and being who you are and who you have always been, it doesn’t surprise me at all that you fucked someone else when your very nature dictates it by intelligent design.
What I did say—what I thought, still think, and continue to believe—is that you are deeply and crushingly in love with Stefan Tourvel.
Not a pure, selfless and healthy love; but a love that you can feel inside—moving beneath your skin like an infection—the kind of love that breaks the heart and ruins. The kind of love which makes you think a guy possesses some extraordinary charm and wit that he doesn’t possess—not more than anyone else at his level—the kind of love that keeps you chained to him even as you insult and humiliate him. The kind of love that a pimp has for his favorite whore; it doesn’t stop him from pleasing himself with others, does it?
My comparison is accurate, that given just like a pimp; you are never your whore’s lover or friend; only ever their abuser and master.
It is because of this sadomasochism that I have no doubt that you threw yourself at his feet and begged for his forgiveness, pleading him to take you back. In fact, you told me as such when you told me you had to quit messaging me immediately to go seize upon the opportunity.
Even in your message, you tell me you’re not going to tell all that concerns you; clearly you think the details of things between you and Tourvel are so important and so monumental that keeping the details from me is some kind of punishment; as if my happiness depends so much on the gossip.
After message after message (and I can scroll back through and screenshot all of them if I really felt I needed to) proving to me that you prefer him over me, you have the audacity to ask me if things are so broken between us?!
Be careful about what you ask and what you want me to answer, Nathan; if I say what I am feeling in this moment, I won’t be able to take it back and we won’t be able to come back from it.
The only thing I can do is tell you a story, and I hope that out of our friendship and the love that is there—that you claim is still there and that you try so hard to convince me and yourself of the fact that it is still there—that you will listen to it and take it to heart and I hope you will understand it properly and meditate on it and employ it.
It’s up to you.
A man I knew not too long ago, maybe a couple of years ago... well; he was a lot like you. He got involved with this little twink that he was so hung up on. The twink did little to help his public image—in fact, it made him look like a man who didn’t have his life together. He had moments where he realized that this would only end in disaster for him and that people had started to stop taking him seriously as a grown man; but he just couldn’t break it off with the boy.
He had made it worse by constantly telling his friends that he wasn’t in love, that he had the twink wrapped around HIS finger—that it wasn’t the other way around; but the longer time went on and the more he denied it, the more whipped he appeared to be.
He continued to go through his life, doing stupid things and saying: “it is what it is” whenever confronted about it. Luckily, this guy had a smart friend—a guy much like me—who cared about his friend and could see what was happening and how his cache—his reputation and his social status—was in horrible danger of being ruined forever by this fling, and his unending and undying love for this friend would not allow this to happen.
So, to save his friend, this young man advised him with his own words: “it is what it is.” He sent his friend out there to meet with the twink, armed with only these words and an idea of what to say:
“Relationships run their course. Your marriage is a prime example; it is what it is. I’m sorry it’s happened; but it’s only natural a person would wear out from a pursuit that has occupied them for the past four months being constantly pushed and pulled away. It is what it is.
“If my love for you was as much as your virtue (and it was), then it isn’t surprising that it would be lost along with the other. It is what it is. Clearly I have been deceiving you for a while; but your desperation, need, and abandonment issues forced me to do so. It is what it is.
“There is someone else—a man I love more than anything—who has demanded that I give you up so that he and I can finally build our life together. It is what it is.
“Take my advice, find someone else. Another lover—a man who wants to shelter and take care of a boy like you. Trust me when I tell you that this is the best thing. If it upsets you... well, it is what it is.
“Take care of yourself and don’t hate me too much. I enjoyed every moment with you and I leave regretting nothing. Maybe we’ll hook up again; who knows? It is what it is.”
I’m not going to bother telling you the end of the story. I promise I will, but not right now. You will also at that time be informed of my non-negotiables on the fulfillment of said agreement between gentlemen.
Until then....
BTW, thank you for the update on the Cécile situation. Stay safe and Happy Thanksgiving.
MESSAGE CXLII
To: Oliver Merteuil
From: Nathan Valmont
November 27th 20__
I’m not sure what to think in regards to everything you have just said to me—both to the little story and everything that came before it. I will tell you that it had a profound effect on me and deeply resonated with me.
So much so, in fact, that I simply copied and pasted it and sent it to the adorable Stefan Tourvel. I didn’t waste any time. I read it over and over again, made one or two tweaks to make it sound more like me and sent it to him first thing the following morning. I preferred this because Stefan and I were supposed to meet for brunch; also, because it would deliver maximum impact, versus having sent it the previous evening, giving him all night to numb to it.
I hoped to be able to copy and paste a response along with this, but so far Stefan hasn’t texted me back.
Obviously, I’m really eager to hear the end of the story of the guy who was in danger of losing his reputation and true love for a twink he was suspected of being unable to dump when it was crucial. Did he come to his senses and do the smart and responsible thing? Will the young man who is much like you take his friend back and reward him for doing the right thing?
I am interested in your “non-negotiables” as you refer to them. Mostly though, I am interested in knowing if you will see in this the absolute proof that I love you and put you above anything and everyone else.
Clearly it is... but I don’t want to harp on any of that or push that right now. I am going to wait until two to see if he responds back.
2pm:
Still hasn’t responded. Oh well, it is what it is. Hahaha!
Please, tell me the rest of the story. Come home. Please, Ollie; I need you. I love you.
MESSAGE CXLIII
To: Vanessa Rosemonde
From: Stefan Tourvel
November 27th 20__
It’s all over, Vanessa. All of it.
Nathan ended things the other morning. We were supposed to meet for brunch and I woke up to his text. I don’t need to say anything about it. I’ll copy and paste it below for you to read yourself.
The truth is inescapable, as inescapable as all of the sins I have committed and all the shit I’ve done to myself. I already filed for divorce; Nico’s going to be served with papers any day now. I can’t go home.
What am I going to do?
I wish I was dead... I really do. How am I going to take care of myself? I can’t work a nine-to-five; I’m too creative. I can’t be restrained...
Everything in my life is falling apart, and Nathan was all I had left. I loved him so much. I gave up everything for him and for his love... I would have done everything for him; whatever he wanted....
Right now I’m on a path between shame and remorse, and I can see where that path leads and I’m willing to follow it. What other choice do I have? I just need to embrace it. Embrace all of this hurt and all of this pain and let it do what it’s going to do and lead me down whatever end the universe has laid out for me.
I’m sorry; I need to stop complaining. There’s no point and there’s no real time for it; all I can do is pray it kills me. I am not looking for pity, advice, backup, or anything else; I just ask that you pray for me and ask God to give me another chance!
Lastly; forget all of this. Forget me and everything else! I’m sorry about the academy program; this is all just too messy to keep going ahead with it; thank you to you and to the Rosemonde Foundation board members for seeing what I had envisioned and saw possible. It’s to the point—as it can often happen in friendships when one is in a really dark place—that their friendships only make the pain worse and adds more suffering, shame, and guilt.
I can only feel my pain and my worry. I can only hear the constant shattering of my heart. I’m going back to bed. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I’ll figure it out... or maybe it won’t matter either way.
Goodbye, Vanessa; thank you for being a friend.
MESSAGE CXLIV
To: Oliver Merteuil
From: Nathan Valmont
November 28th__
Yesterday at three in the afternoon, after not hearing anything from him and growing impatient with news on what had happened, I went to the Fairmont, where I was stopped at the front desk and told I was not permitted to see the little twat. I was pissed, obviously. I reminded them that I was now paying for his suite, but they informed me that as of that morning Stefan had removed me from the account and was paying for it by other means.
Clever little snake.
Months ago I had told you that I would reemerge on the social scene burning brighter and with darker hellfire than ever before; well, here it is! Let all of those assholes who thought they could mock me and question me do so now! Let them step to me and I’ll put them in their place really quick!
Let’s see them run the laps, jump through the hoops, and dedicate themselves to the marathon I have run through completely; if one of them can do it—even half way in success—I will give him my crown. But let’s keep it real; that would never happen, because not a single fucker can surpass me!
Really, I will have to count this victory—this platinum conquest—as my greatest ever. Especially as Nico made an interesting post on Twitter alluding to Stefan’s infidelity. Somehow he came into possession of a photo of Stefan going down on someone other than his husband... I’m sure if you looked it up you’d recognize the abs as well as the cock in the poor boy’s mouth.
I thought the added touch of the picture would be the take-down equivalent of a little blue box for you.
Sadly, and because my ego can’t let it go, I am hung up on the fact that he was able to cut himself off from me so completely. I need to prove him wrong. I need to ensure that he knows he will never be stronger than I; he will never be able to outwit me or get out from under me.
Don’t you think it would be even more outstanding to get Stefan back to the point where he wants to be with me again—to give me another chance—even more so than before? It’s something we can do together—a game we can actively play together—you can even have your fun this time—and if I end up succeeding, it’ll only be to your benefit since it will give you another opportunity to let me sacrifice him to you; a sacrifice you really seem to enjoy.
Come back, Ollie; I still need to collect my reward and I miss you and need you. Get back to the city and return to your life with me, your friends, the parties, and everything else that you love!
Things have been going extremely well for the little Volanges girl. I convinced her before I left that she needed to go ahead and marry Jeremy as soon as possible. She was opposed to it at first, wanting more time, but I reminded her that she had a choice between her freedom and her prison and she very smartly chose her freedom.
Oh, speaking of, I ran into Rafael; he was just leaving your cousin’s place. Apparently, though worried about Isabelle turning him away, she actually welcomed him into her apartment and let him spend some time with both she and Cécile. He was VERY happy.
