The Road Leads Back, page 22
“At least…change into something more comfortable. And let me take you…wherever.”
“It’s better if I just call a cab,” she said flatly.
He lowered his head. “Will you call me?”
“You’ll know where I am.”
He finally turned to face her, and the pain in his eyes shattered what was left of her heart. “I need to know that you are okay.”
“You will.”
“I love you, Kara Canton.”
Her lips curved into a slight smile. “I love you, Harrison Canton. With everything that I am. But I’m in a place you can’t reach right now. I wish you could, but I have to find my way back on my own.”
“I won’t wait another twenty-seven years.”
“I know.”
“She’s gone,” Harry said, walking into the kitchen.
Phil sat at the table, looking out the window, a cup of hot tea cradled in his hands. “Where’s she going?”
“I don’t know.” He laughed angrily as he pulled a bottle of beer from the fridge—a local brewery Kara had insisted they support even if the ale tasted like shit. He put the bottle back and slammed the door. “Jesus Christ. I just put my wife in a taxi without a clue where she’s going.”
“She’ll end up on the West Coast. I can make some calls to people in the area. They’ll let me know if they hear from her.”
Harry looked out the window and shook his head. How had things fallen apart so damned fast?
“Are you okay?” Phil asked.
Harry sat across from him. “Yeah.” He let out a long, loud breath. “No.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I love her. But I’m not going to chase her.”
“She doesn’t want to be chased, Dad.”
“Well, what the hell does she want?”
“This is what she does. This is how she copes. She runs as fast and as far from her pain as she can, and when it catches up to her, she runs again.”
He shook his head. “Goddamn it. That isn’t a healthy coping skill. Running doesn’t solve anything. She should know that by now.”
“I think it’s finally caught up to her. I’ve never seen her so upset before.”
Rubbing his fingers into his eyes, Harry tried to free them from the grit of exhaustion, but they only felt worse. Dropping his hands back onto the table, he looked at his son. “How do I help her?”
“You don’t.”
“So I let her leave me?”
“She isn’t leaving you. Did you see the way people were looking at her? Like she didn’t deserve to be there. Some of the people were whispering about how much she’d disappointed Charles. I’m sure she heard it, too.”
Harry nodded. “Kay has barely talked to her the last few days. She’s been so busy planning for the funeral with her sister and friends. She didn’t even ask Kara for help. Kara didn’t want to insert herself where she wasn’t wanted. They’re never going to get past this thing between them if they don’t just deal with it.”
“Dealing with problems isn’t Mom’s strong suit. She’d rather run away and immerse herself in something else.”
“What if she doesn’t come back?”
“She will.”
“How do you know?”
Phil smiled. “Because we’re here. I hate to leave you, but I promised Jess I’d be home to tuck her in. Let me know if you hear anything, and I’ll do the same.”
Harry nodded. “Phil,” he called as his son started out of the room. Pushing himself up, Harry crossed the kitchen and hugged him. It was the first time he’d done that since they had arrived from Seattle. He should have done it more, but he’d thought it would be awkward. He decided to put that notion out of his head. He’d missed out on too many years of being allowed to hug his kid. “I love you.”
“Love you too, Dad.”
He walked Phil out and locked the door behind him. Trudging upstairs, he collapsed on the bed. He lay there thinking as the hours ticked by while he considered the last few months. They’d been a roller coaster for everyone. So many ups and downs. So many emotions pulling in so many directions. And now Charles’s death had multiplied everything Kara was going through. No wonder she was at the breaking point. He just wished she’d let him help her. He wished he knew how to help her.
This…letting her go…wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right. Nothing about letting her go through this alone felt right. She’d gone through too much alone, and he wasn’t going to just stand back and allow her to continue her destructive cycle.
The sun was just beginning to illuminate the bedroom when he rolled out of bed. He dragged a backpack out of his closet and followed the same routine Kara had, only slightly less frantically. He grabbed several shirts, pairs of jeans, and some underclothes before heading downstairs to make himself a coffee. It was just after seven thirty, but he only debated a moment before calling Phil.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Is this a bad time?”
“Just getting Jess out the door for school.”
“I’m going after her.”
Phil was quiet. “We don’t know where she is yet.”
“I know. But I’m going to find her.”
“What do you need me to do?”
“Make those calls and see if you can get a lead on where she is. Look after things at the office. Check on the house. And I guess you should wish me luck.”
“I’d bet money she’ll end up going back to the commune where I was born. She always considered that her first real home. Fly into Eugene. I’ll see what I can do about having someone there to meet you.”
“Thanks, Phil.”
“Hey, Dad?”
Harry smiled. “Yeah, son?”
“I know she doesn’t make it easy sometimes, but don’t give up on her, okay?”
“I won’t.” Harry hung up just as his coffee finished brewing. Sitting at the table, he opened his laptop and started searching for the next flight to Oregon.
Chapter Twenty
Kara inhaled deeply as soon as she stepped off the bus. The air was filled with the scents of salt and sea. She was home. She tossed her bag over her shoulder and made her way through the crowd. She’d called one of her oldest friends in the world, the same woman who had picked her up from the bus stop the first time she’d arrived from Iowa.
The ride had been long and hard—and not because of the travel. Kara went from wanting to go back and beg Harry to forgive her to wanting the bus to go faster and put more distance between her and her heartache. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw his face, the way he looked at her. He hadn’t been surprised. He’d just been sad. Hurt. The one thing she swore to herself she wouldn’t do, she’d done in abundance. She’d hurt Harry.
Shaking the thought from her mind, she put on her hand over her eyes to shield them from the sun as she started looking for Teri. She stopped scanning when her gaze landed on Harry. But it couldn’t be Harry. She almost had herself convinced she was imagining him when he gave her that sexy half grin that always drove her crazy. Her heart sank. She had to force herself to take a breath as he started toward her.
“Hi,” she said when he stopped in front of her.
“Hi.”
“What—What are you doing here?”
“We didn’t have a honeymoon.”
Kara creased her forehead. “Honeymoon?”
“That’s what people do after getting married. But we never did. So, I thought, hey, why not go to the West Coast? My bride loves the West Coast.”
She wanted to smile at his joke, but her mouth wouldn’t cooperate. She couldn’t stop staring at him.
He sighed. “I abandoned you once, Kara. I’m not doing it again.”
“You didn’t abandon me.”
“I did. I abandoned you by leaving without a word. I’m not going to do it again.” He caressed her cheek. “When I found you in Seattle, I pushed pretty hard to get you and Phil to go to Iowa. I didn’t concern myself too much about what you were going to have to deal with. I knew facing your parents wasn’t going to be easy for you, but I just kept telling myself that we could do this, we could get through it and go on. And you tried. But that’s not how you get through things. I see that now. I promised I would never try to fit you into a mold, but that’s exactly what I did. I wanted this life so much that I pushed you to process your feelings in a way that best suited me. That wasn’t fair to you.”
“Don’t blame yourself for me being so messed up, Harry. I’ve always been a disaster.”
He smiled. “But you are the most beautiful and amazing disaster I’ve ever seen.”
“Sometimes I think you’re more disturbed than I am.”
“That is possible.”
She laughed softly. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. I just know that I can’t be there right now.”
He nodded. “So let’s not be there right now.”
“What about your business?”
“I’ve got this kid now. He’s going to look after things for his old man.” He brushed his thumb over her cheek. “I promised him I wouldn’t give up on you.”
She lowered her face. “Maybe you should.”
“I went to the community where you and Phil lived. It was like visiting a piece of history that I’d heard about but never fully grasped. As Teri was showing me around, I realized there’s a big part of you that I don’t even know. But I want to. I understand you need to be in this place to reconnect to whatever it is that keeps you going. I’d like to be there with you. If you’ll let me.”
“You want to stay with me at a community for pregnant teens and single mothers?”
“Yeah. I do.”
She laughed softly, not really sure why she was surprised he would react this way. She blinked her tears back and took a breath. “I didn’t want you to follow me.”
“I know.”
“But I’m glad you did.” Looking up, she held his gaze. “Nobody has ever cared about me enough to follow me.”
Smiling, he put his hand to her cheek. “I care about you enough. More than enough. I’d follow you anywhere.”
Leaning into him, she sighed as his arms went around her. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For loving me.”
Harry cursed as the hammer he was using crushed down on his thumb. He sucked at the wound for a moment before shaking his hand out. He wasn’t exactly useless with tools, but less than a few hours into his first community living experience was showing him he wasn’t as handy as he thought.
Kara smirked. “You’d probably hit more nail heads than fingers if you’d quit looking at me while hammering.”
“I can’t help it.” He adjusted the row of shingles he was working on. “You are so sexy.”
She laughed, and he thought he’d never seen her more at peace.
When they’d arrived at the commune, they were welcomed with opened arms and smiles. Kara had spent a few minutes introducing Harry to the women in charge. Then Teri had walked them to a little one-room house to stay in right before she handed them a long list of repairs that needed to be made to it. Kara hadn’t batted an eye, but Harry had watched Teri leave, feeling a bit confused. The woman had shown him great hospitality the night before, giving him a room at the big house by the entry to the community. Now she expected him to stay in a tiny house with a leaky roof. It wasn’t even a tiny house, really. There was no kitchen or bathroom. Just a twin-sized bed, a crib, and a scratched-up table in the middle.
“We better get to it,” Kara had said as she dropped her bag on the dusty table. “It won’t be daylight much longer, and I don’t want to get rained on.”
Within twenty minutes of arriving, they were on the roof, and he had a growing admiration for her roofing skills. And a sore thumb.
Returning his attention to the shingles, he focused on the nails and hammer more than his wife until the project was complete.
He hoped they’d get a reprieve, but as soon as they climbed off the roof, Kara handed him a broom. They dusted and swept out the inside and tossed clean blankets on the bed.
They’d barely done that when the ringing of a bell filled the community.
“Come on. Let’s go help with dinner.”
And just like that, Harry—as exhausted as he was from a day of hard labor—was standing at a table with a peeler in his hand. The assembly line of people, mostly women far younger than Phil, was passing vegetables along to be peeled, washed, and chopped until the food landed in a pot to be carried to the stove.
Kara was standing next to him, catching Teri up on Jessica and Phil, telling her about her art classes, talking about everything except her parents. Harry realized Teri didn’t miss out on that fact any more than he had.
“But did you mend fences before your father died?” she asked.
Kara sighed loudly. “No. Not exactly. I mean, we were talking, but there was still a lot of anger.”
“I’m sorry, Kara.” The older woman gave his wife a knowing look.
“Don’t be. It was more than I thought I’d ever get.” Kara’s honesty made Harry glad he’d forced the issue with her parents.
“I’m glad you went home. I know it’s been difficult for you.”
Harry smiled when the woman next to him gave him a nudge. He hadn’t realized he’d stopped peeling. He went back to work on the carrot as the subject changed to their wedding. Teri thought it was amusing that they’d left, and Harry was beginning to see this woman had had a big influence on Kara’s life—probably bigger than anyone else. It was almost as if Teri had been the mother figure Kara had never gotten from Kay.
As they sat down to dinner, Harry noticed a young woman who looked almost as out of place as he felt. She was shy, but everyone made it a point of speaking to her, including her, trying to make her feel part of the group. The mashed potatoes hadn’t even made it around the table before he realized, despite being far enough along into her pregnancy to look like she could give birth any moment, she was new to the community.
She was clearly in the same situation Kara had been in when she’d come here—pregnant and alone. The girl had a deer-in-the-headlights quality about her, and he pictured his wife in her shoes. Putting his hand on Kara’s knee, he squeezed it. A silent reminder to himself that he was there for her now.
Harry thought dinner would be the end of their day, but after cleaning up, the group settled into a big room with enough chairs, couches, and beanbags for everyone to sit somewhere. Teri started the meeting by welcoming Kara, along with her new husband, home and introducing Molly, the young girl who’d looked so frightened at dinner. She had arrived just that morning and had spent the day settling in.
“She’s going to need a partner,” Teri said. Several hands shot up, but Teri nodded at Kara. “Molly, Kara and Harry are already working on getting your house ready. Might was well team up with her. She’ll help you out the first few days, make sure you get what you need, and you can do what you can to help them out so your place is ready before the baby comes.”
Harry sat a little straighter. Kara hadn’t told him they were fixing up the small house for someone specific. He thought they were just doing general repairs on the rundown place. Suddenly he wished he’d put more effort into fixing the roof. Kara had looked like she was working with a purpose. Now he understood she was.
He also thought maybe he understood why she’d started to feel like she was floundering in Iowa. She’d spent so much of her time in these places, where everything she did had a deeper meaning. She hadn’t had that in Stonehill. Sure, he needed her, and Jessica and Phil depended on her, but not like this.
The meeting adjourned, and he stood back while Kara talked to Molly. His wife looked so damned maternal, so protective, as she alternated between holding hands and hugging the girl. He was certain she’d even wiped a few of her tears away. Kara had the same look she’d had with Dianna as they’d said their goodbyes after dinner. She had the need to take this girl in and make her life better. It was the same desire she’d told him she had felt for Mitch’s unhappy wife.
He took Kara’s hand as they walked back to the little house. “You’re amazing.”
She chuckled. “No, I’m not.”
“I watched you with that girl. You’re amazing.”
“I just know what she’s going through and want to make it easier for her, the way Teri made it easier for me.”
“Did you live in a house like the one we’re fixing up?”
“Yes. Until Phil was five. I guess that’s when the running started. After I mailed your last letter.”
“I get it now, you know. I get why you needed to come back to this place.”
“It’s my home, Harry.”
“It’s more than that. It makes you feel like you’re part of something.”
“I guess.”
He thought for a moment. “You’re a part of something with me, too, you know? Maybe not on this scale, but I need you. So do Phil and Jessica.”
“I know.”
“Have you ever considered becoming a midwife?”
She laughed. “Yeah, actually. I have.”
“You should. You have a lot to offer these girls.”
She sighed. “I don’t know how much those services would be needed in Stonehill.”
“We could look into it, if you want.”
“Maybe.”
He kissed her hand. “We can’t stay here forever, Kara. We have a life in Iowa. We have responsibilities. I want to be near our family. I lost too much time with my son not to be with him now. But maybe…”
“What?”
“Maybe we should make this a regular thing. I think being here is good for both of us. We could plan a few trips a year and stay for a few weeks—help out as much as we can while we’re here.”
She stopped walking and looked at up at him. “You’d do that?”
“Why wouldn’t I? Being here makes you happy, doesn’t it?”
A slow smile spread across her face. “Yes. Being here makes me very happy.” She threw her arms around his neck. “I don’t think I could possibly love you more.”
