The Road Leads Back, page 14
Even so, Kara sat, hand on the key, watching as Jessica confidently headed toward the other second graders. Several kids glanced at her and then turned away, causing Kara’s heart to ache with each step Jessica took. Finally, the girl, in her bright pink dress, stopped and looked around at the other kids.
“Notice her,” Kara whispered. “Somebody notice her.”
She was ready to get out of the car and go stand with her granddaughter when Jessica smiled and waved at one of her peers. One of the girls from the playground waved back and moved to Jessica’s side. Kara ignored the car behind her when the driver honked the horn. She had more important things to worry about than whether or not she was holding up the line. She waited, silently pleading, holding her breath until the girl said something and Jessica smiled again. The girl took Jess’s hand and led her to a group of kids all decked out in shades of pink and purple. In her new dress with her hair curled to perfection, Jessica fit right in with the rest of the seven-year-old princesses.
Tugging her seat belt around her again, Kara waited a few more seconds, just to be sure, before leaving Jessica on her own. As much as she wanted to make sure nothing and no one ever hurt her granddaughter, it wasn’t logical. It wasn’t easy to know that sometimes people were going to reject Jessica because she looked different, because she was slower, because her voice was hard to understand, or just because it was easy.
Phil had talked to Ms. Fisk and a few other parents, staying much longer than most had during the open house, giving Jessica the best possible chance at being accepted. Kara had no choice but to stand back and see what happened, but damned if it didn’t make her stomach roll and bile rise in her throat.
Kara’s plan was to go home and start the painting Harry had requested for the living room. She’d decided on the same swirl-patterned style that he had hung in the entryway, but the painting for the living room was going to be the skyline of an amusement park.
It had been three days since their time on the rides, but the fun they’d shared had stayed with Kara.
However, after last night, she was tempted to paint a romantic scene on a swing set.
She’d awakened this morning with Harry wrapped around her. Turning off the alarm, she had wished to go back to sleep in his arms. He’d stretched, sighed, hugged her to him for a few minutes, and then he’d kissed her and slipped from her bed. She’d brushed her teeth and dressed before getting Jessica ready for her big day, but there had been a shadow hanging over her.
Every time Kara stopped moving long enough, thoughts of her parents crept into her mind. They wanted to see her. They wanted her forgiveness. She wanted to give it and move on. Just like she and Harry had discussed last night.
She was driving on autopilot, not really thinking about where she was going until she stopped at an intersection and realized she was less than a block from her parents’ house. She hadn’t intended to go there. She had a million excuses not to be there. She was still angry. She had a busy day planned. She hadn’t even showered this morning—she’d just pulled on a long skirt and T-shirt and tugged her hair back in a bun. She wasn’t dressed for a family reunion.
Even so, she felt compelled to make the right-hand turn that would take her to the place she had grown up. Biting her lip, Kara parked across the street before taking a deep breath and finally looking at the house she hadn’t seen in almost thirty years.
It looked the same. Exactly the same. A swing still hung on the far end of the porch. It was where she’d sat holding out hope the night she’d been kicked out. She’d waited for what seemed like hours before finally walking three blocks to the convenience store and looking up Harry’s parents’ address in the phone book dangling in the booth. She’d then walked to the other side of town with nothing but a backpack of mismatched clothes and a toothbrush. Somehow she had worked up the courage to knock on the door. She didn’t remember much after that.
Harry’s mother had been the only one home, and when Kara had broken down crying, she had ushered Kara in and Kara had told her everything.
She was pregnant. Harry was the father. Her parents kicked her out. She didn’t know what to do. She’d begged Elaine to help her. Help her, she had. Helped her onto a bus that took her straight to Oregon and into the arms of a stranger who became the only family she’d have while she learned to be a mother.
Kara never thought she would come back here again. This place was too painful to even think about. Glancing toward the house once more, she could have sworn she could still hear her mother sitting at the kitchen table crying and her father screaming ugly words at her as she pleaded for him to stop.
“I mean it, Kara. Don’t come back,” he had yelled before slamming the door.
Kara was looking at the house when movement caught her eye. The man she had seen while out with Harry walked onto the porch and stood at the banister. He was staring at Kara. Her father was stooped a bit now, and his steps were slower as he moved across the porch.
The urge to put the car in gear and drive away was nearly uncontrollable. Putting her hand on the gearshift, she debated, wanting to leave before she had to come any closer to facing her parents than she was already, but her father took the first stair and then the second.
Kara exhaled and turned off the ignition. She closed her eyes and wished Harry was there. Somehow things were always easier with him at her side. Swallowing as much of her fear as she could, Kara unbuckled her seat belt and let it retract. When she looked again, her mother was there, too, standing on the porch staring at her. Waiting.
One more breath and Kara opened the car door. Her hands trembled as she grabbed her handmade bag and put the strap over her shoulder. She stepped out and closed the car door, focusing far more than necessary on pressing the lock button on the remote. Another deep breath and she crossed the street. Much like when she was driving, autopilot took her up the sidewalk. She was standing directly in front of them before she finally lifted her face and looked up.
Tears were falling down her mother’s cheeks. Her father’s lip was quivering. All the anger that Kara had been holding on to somehow faded. Instead of lashing out and demanding the apology she had wanted for so long, she crumbled. Leaning forward, she fell into her father’s arms and started crying as he hugged her.
She buried her face in his chest like she used to do when she was young and everything was wrong in her world. He’d hugged her when she didn’t place in the junior high art contest and when her cat had died. It had been his hugs that had made everything better, which was why it cut so deep when he was the one who had turned her out.
His hand, not nearly as strong as it used to be, stroked her hair as he breathed out her name. She clung tighter until she felt a smaller hand on her back.
She untangled from one hug and lurched into another. “Mama.”
Jessica hadn’t stopped talking since she got home from school. Kara could barely keep up. All she knew was that her granddaughter had had a fantastic first day of school. She shared in the girl’s excitement. She’d had a wonderful day as well.
As soon as Phil and Harry got home, they were very nearly assaulted at the door. Jess was on Phil, telling him all about her teacher and classmates, and Kara grinned at Harry, waiting for the right time to let him know she’d spent the day with her parents.
Phil led Jess into the kitchen as she started in on recess and how the swings at school are even better than the swings on her set. Kara tuned her out, as she’d heard that assessment several times. Taking Harry’s hands in hers, she backed into the living room, pulling him toward the couch.
He leaned forward, kissed her cheek, and then leaned back just enough to eye her suspiciously—narrowing his eyes and tilting his head slightly. “You look awfully pleased with yourself.”
“I am.” She sank down and smiled. “I did it.”
“Did what?”
“I saw them.”
His brows shot up. “Your parents?”
She nodded, and he brushed his hand over her hair.
“How’d it go?”
“All these years, I thought I would be so angry when I saw them. I imagined all these horrible things I wanted to say to them, but when I got there, I just broke down. I cried, and they cried. It was a very snotty reunion.”
He laughed. “I bet.”
Her smile fell a bit. “My dad isn’t doing so great. He forgot who I was twice. I missed so much of their lives, and now he’s fading.”
“You’re here now. That’s what matters.”
“I stayed there all day, talking to them, telling them everything. I’m going to go tomorrow with photo albums.”
“That’s great.”
She put her hand to his face. “I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t pushed me. Thank you.”
“You did the hard part.”
“The thing is, it wasn’t that hard. Well, not after I worked up the nerve to get out of the car.” Her shoulders sagged. “My grandparents are dead. I knew that, but…”
“But they confirmed it.” He rubbed his hand over her back as she nodded. “We should take flowers to their graves.”
She leaned into him, loving the security she felt when his arms slid around her. “That would be lovely.”
“Now? Phil is planning on taking Jessica out to dinner to celebrate her first day.”
Kara’s breath caught as emotion surged through her at the thought of seeing her grandparents’ names spelled out in stone, but she forced the air out and nodded. No more running. “Okay. Now.”
Leaning forward, he kissed her head. “Let me change first.”
He pushed himself up and disappeared, and Kara sank back on the sofa. Her head spun whenever she spent too much time considering how quickly things were changing. She and Harry were…not exactly a couple but close. She and Phil were, for the first time in years, in a place where they weren’t bickering constantly. Jessica was incredibly happy with her new school and their new life. And Kara had made peace with her parents. Things couldn’t be better.
For her, at least. Harry was still struggling with his mother. Kara wasn’t sure what, if anything, she could do about that. She didn’t want him to resent her involvement the way she had resented his. And even if she did want to get involved, she wasn’t sure what she could do. She wasn’t any more ready to forgive Elaine than Harry was. But one thing Kara had realized today was that their parents were frail. If Harry ever planned to recover his relationship with his mother, he needed to start working on that. The woman was aging every day. He wasn’t going to have an infinite amount of time to settle things.
“Hey,” Phil said, coming into the living room. He smiled brightly. “She had a good day, huh?”
“She had a wonderful day. Some of the girls in her class seem to have taken her in.”
“That’s great.”
“Yes, it is.”
His smile faded a bit. “You okay, Mom?”
She exhaled. “I visited your grandparents today.”
His face lit. “How’d it go?”
“It went well. I’m going to take them some photos tomorrow. They are very impressed with you.”
He sat beside her. “They seemed like nice people.”
“They want us over for Sunday dinner. All of us.”
“Including Harry?”
“Yeah. They were impressed with him as well.” Kara changed the direction of the conversation. “He said you’re taking Punk out for dinner?”
“Yeah. She’s earned it. What are you and Harry doing?” He scrunched up his face. “Or do I want to know?”
She laughed slightly. “We’re going to the cemetery to put flowers on my grandparents’ graves.” She didn’t mean for the tears to spring to her eyes, but they did and she couldn’t hide them.
“I’m sorry,” Phil said sincerely.
She sighed. “It’s not like I thought they’d still be alive. It’s just a reminder that I’ve spent the last thirty years with my head selfishly stuck in the sand. I spent so much time being angry and blaming my parents. I should have used that time working up the nerve to come home. I could have told Harry about you, fixed things with my parents. Seen my grandparents. And, who knows, maybe you would have had a better life.”
“I had a great life, Mom.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I did. I’m sorry I always gave you such a hard time. I was angry, too, but Harry is right when he says I probably would have hated growing up in suburbia. There isn’t a single ocean in Iowa.”
Kara smiled, but her amusement didn’t linger. “I was just scared. I was too scared to come home. And we all suffered for it.”
“You thought Harry didn’t want us. You thought your parents didn’t want us. Why would you come back when you thought we weren’t welcome?” He put his arm around her shoulder. “Do you remember my tenth birthday? I kept asking for a brand-new mountain bike. It was all I wanted, but you didn’t have the money for it, so you did some artwork for that guy named after an animal—”
“Bear.”
“And he made me a bike. Remember? It was the coolest thing I’d ever seen because he welded my name on it. Nobody else had a bike with their name on it. I rode that bike even after I’d outgrown it. It was better than anything you could have bought, Mom. You did the best you could, and I know I’ve always been the first to knock your parenting, but I just didn’t know back then what I know now. You didn’t bring us home because you didn’t think it was the right thing for us. You did what you could, and that’s all anyone could ask.”
“Do you have any idea what it means to me to hear you say that?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner. I know it wasn’t easy for you to come back here, and I know you did it for Jessica and me. Everything you ever did was for Jess and me. I know that. And I want you to know that I do appreciate it, and I do love you.”
Leaning over, she gave him a hug. “Thank you.”
“I’m ready, Daddy,” Jess yelled, running into the room.
She hesitated as she looked at Kara, who forced a smile to her face. Seemingly appeased, Jess returned her focus on getting Phil up and out the door.
Once they were gone, Kara took several deep breaths, trying to prepare herself for saying goodbye to her grandparents.
“Would you mind…” Kara started but didn’t finish. She looked out over the headstones, four peace lilies in her hand. “I think I’d like…”
Harry put a kiss on her head and then gestured toward another section of plots. “I’ll be over there if you need me.”
She offered him a sad smile that tugged at his heart. “Thanks.”
He watched her walk away before shoving his hands into his pockets and scanning the memorials he’d pointed to a few moments before. Walking down the path, he veered to the right, going to a headstone he hadn’t visited in a long time. Stopping, he stared down at his father’s marker.
Beloved Husband and Father.
Nothing about being a grandfather.
He looked up and noticed Kara had stopped moving. She’d found at least one set of grandparents. He suspected when they curled up in bed later that night, she’d tell him about them. He wondered if they would have turned her out as well. If she had gone to them instead of his mother, would things have been different? Would they have taken her in and given her the love and support she’d needed? Or would they have turned their backs on her as well?
He returned his attention to the grave at his feet. “What the hell were you thinking, Dad?”
“Your father wasn’t much for talking when he was alive,” his mother’s frail voice said behind him. “I doubt he’ll answer your questions now.”
Harry’s heart did a barrel roll in his chest. He took a breath to steady himself before facing his mother. She gave him a timid smile when he turned around.
He sighed at the hopeful yet reserved look on her face. “I should have known you’d be here sometime, Mother.”
“We would have been married fifty-six years tomorrow.”
“I’ve been trying to decide what I should do about that.”
She looked down at the flowers in her hands. “We didn’t want you to throw your life away because of one mistake—”
“It wasn’t a mistake,” he said, cutting her off. “Kara was never a mistake. I loved her, Mom. I know I was a kid, but she was like… She was the only ray of sunshine in my life. She was the only person in the world I felt connected to. Being with her wasn’t a mistake. No, I didn’t mean to get her pregnant, but I don’t regret it. I don’t regret being with her, and I don’t regret having a child with her. She was not a mistake.”
Elaine hesitated. “We thought we were protecting your future. We were going to tell you after you were done with school. If you had wanted her in your life after you had a way to support her, we would have brought her and the baby home. You couldn’t have taken care of her if you’d dropped out of school, Harrison, and we didn’t want you to give up having an education.”
“You never told me, Mom.”
“Your father died, and I thought… What if you didn’t forgive me? He was the peacekeeper, the one who could smooth things over. What if you hated me? I couldn’t take it if I lost both of you, Harry.”
“So I lost my son instead. How is that right?”
“It isn’t. It isn’t right, but I could never find the courage. I didn’t want to be alone.”
He nodded. “But you wouldn’t have been alone. You would have had me, and Kara, and our baby. We could have been a family. For twenty-seven years, she thought I didn’t want my son. She thought her parents didn’t want her. That we’d all just washed our hands of her like she meant nothing to us. She’s been hurting so much all these years. You did that to her.”
Elaine lowered her face. “I know.”
“How did you feel, reading her letters, looking at pictures of my boy, and all the while knowing that I didn’t even know he existed?”
She was silent for a few moments. “He looked so much like you. I couldn’t believe how much he looked like you. Whenever her letters would come, I’d get so excited. I couldn’t wait to see him.”
