The Things We Lost, page 20
I nod. “I never wanted you to know the truth, but you deserve at least that.”
“You were never going to marry me.” His heart is crushed as if I’d taken it in my palm and squeezed until it burst. “There was never a chance for us.”
“I was going to,” I admit. “But I woke up from this cruel façade and knew I couldn’t put you through anything more.”
“You’re not who I thought you were.” Jayson frowns. “You never were.”
“I know, and a part of me hates that. But now you have to let it go. Because you deserve more than Arabella and I ever allowed you to have. You deserve to be happy and free. Now you can be.”
He turns to leave but hesitates as his hand reaches for the doorknob. His eyes droop, and I see a glisten of tears as he glances back at where I stand. “Was any of it real between you and me?”
I smile with sadness and pity. “Of course, it was real. But it didn’t make it right.”
He nods in agreement and says nothing more before leaving me standing alone in my front hall. I watch him from the window as he climbs into his car and drives slowly down the street, away from my house and out of my life. I hope I haven’t broken him beyond repair.
My throat is dry from the confrontation, and my head is starting to pound, but I make my way into my office, curious about my missed call. Work has been up my ass all week about the article I’m writing. It isn’t due for another five days, but they want to see draft after draft. I figure this time it’s no different.
However, my luck only continues. First a visit from Jayson and now—of course—a phone call from Jack. There’s a voicemail, and I consider deleting it without listening to it but figure after my confrontation with Jayson, why not deal with Jack too?
“Maddie,” Jack’s voice comes through, sounding thin and frantic. “I know I’m not who you want to hear from right now, but I need to talk. The last thing any of us want revealed is what happened between you and me. But someone knows. Call me, okay? It’s serious.”
The message ends, and I delete it. I stare at my phone for a minute before conceding and calling. The phone rings only once before he answers. His voice is low as if he’s somewhere where people might be listening in.
“Maddie, thank God you called.”
“What’s going on? What did your message mean, someone knows?”
“I came home last night, and there was a strange email from an unfamiliar email address in my inbox.”
I frown. “So what? Someone’s talking shit.”
“There are pictures.” His voice lowers further. “From Texas.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. Our famed trip to Texas where Jack was accused of sleeping with a waitress; that was me. An event I have little memory of but took part in.
“What did they want?”
“I don’t know! There wasn’t any demand. Just a threat that this information could be made public at any time.”
My stomach twists with a sinking realization. It’s the same as the threat from Brian before. No demand for anything, but it’ll come.
“You’ll get another email soon.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.” The situation is all too familiar.
He releases a long breath, and the sound sends a chill down my spine. “You haven’t heard or seen anything?”
I think back to the person I thought I saw in the park with Gina and letters I got from Brian. But how could any of that have to do with Jack? How would Brian know something so intimate or have that kind of dirt on me when he’d been locked in prison for the last four years? No, it was someone else, someone who wants something from Jack. Unless, of course, Brian had help.
“No,” I say. “Nothing. But you’ll call me if you get anything else?”
“Yeah, right away.”
“And, in the meantime, get rid of that email and those pictures.”
“Already done.”
“Good.”
There’s silence for a moment before Jack speaks again. “Maddie, why would someone do this now?”
“I don’t know, but I don’t want to find out either. Whatever they want, give it to them, understand?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I have to go.” I end the call before he can answer, and I lower myself to my chair, heart pounding. Someone is following me and plotting against me. Whoever it is, I hope Jack can sort it out. With Brian’s impending release, and my attempts to right my life, this will only complicate things further.
Forty
NOW
The party is packed when Declan and I arrive, with more people present than I expected. It seems as if Dee has invited everyone she knew.
Her elaborate decorations are striking. If there’s one person who could pull together a bash in a few days, it’s Dee; her parents’ endless money and constant travelling gave her that ability. The walls are covered with large pictures of Venice, and on the opposite side of the front room, there’s a photo booth with Venetian canals as the background. Couples gather to take pictures, smooching or joking around. The whole thing feels very prom-like.
I find Dee in the kitchen, surrounded by friends I don’t know. She excuses herself as soon as she sees me.
“Hey, girl.” She does a small twirl. “What do you think?” Her purple hair is pulled back into a tight updo, with a few curled strands framing her round face. Her eyes are painted with dark eyeshadow, and her lips are a deep mauve. The dress she wears reaches only her midthigh and hugs tightly to her hips. The bright red colour stands out amongst the other guests. She looks fabulous.
“Amazing, as always.” I glance around. “And this party, wow.”
Dee laughs. “I know, I’ve outdone myself, right?”
“You always do.”
She passes me a glass of champagne and taps hers against mine before we sip.
“Oh, Declan.” She moves around me and embraces my brother. “Don’t you look like quite the heartthrob? Bubbly?”
He shakes his head. “Beer, if you have it.”
Dee winks and nods towards the keg at the other end of the kitchen. Declan excuses himself and goes right for it.
“He cleaned up good today,” Dee says, watching as he fills his cup.
“He’s nervous.”
Dee frowns. “He doesn’t know, does he?”
“No. But he hasn’t been out with a lot of people since everything went down with Arabella.”
Dee’s face scrunches with annoyance at the mention of my former socialite best friend. “Whatever. He’s here now, and Naomi will be here any second.”
“What’s your plan?” Now that I’m here, I have no idea how to get Declan together with his wife-to-be.
“My usual subtleness, of course.” Dee winks. “Speaking of—” She glances over my head and waves her hand. “Naaoomiiiiii! Get your fine ass over here.”
The slender girl moves through the crowded kitchen towards us and gently kisses Dee’s cheeks. “Hey, gorgeous.”
“So glad you’re home.” Dee motions to me. “This is my friend, Maddie.”
“Pleasure.” Naomi offers me her hand.
“Same here.” The formal greeting feels weird since my brain still sees us as close. But she’s as beautiful as I remember her, looking the same as she did at Dee’s last party. Typical simple clothing, tight braided hair that reaches halfway down her back, and the perfect complexion with little makeup to distract from it.
“How was Prague?” Dee asks as Declan returns to our sides.
“You were in Prague?” he intervenes. “That’s one of my favourite cities.”
Naomi smiles. “And who are you?”
“Declan,” I say. “My brother.”
“A big traveller then?” Naomi asks him, amusement written on her face.
“I wish I had travelled more.” Declan adjusts his glasses. “I backpacked a lot when I first graduated. Haven’t been anywhere great in a while. What were you doing in Prague?”
“Hey, Dee. Got more of this champagne?” I ask. We lit the match, and now they need to find the spark.
“Right this way.” She brushes Naomi’s arm. “We’ll chat later.”
“Definitely.” Naomi turns back to Declan and continues discussing her research, which Declan is enthralled by.
“That was easier than expected.” I continue to watch as Dee leads me away.
“I told you I’m a stellar matchmaker.” Dee refills my glass. “Now, what about you?” She scans the guests. “You’re looking fine tonight. Any hotties you want me to hook you up with?”
“Tonight isn’t about me. It’s about them. Besides, I’m not ready yet.”
“Whatever, Maddie,” Dee scoffs. “You had a relationship full of turmoil with Jayson, a steamy affair with Jack, and who knows what you had with Brian before all of that. You need some sort of normalcy in your life. A guy you can enjoy.”
“I know.” I can’t argue with her logic. She’s right about my relationships. But I want Nathan and no one else. Without him, I’m as lost as I am now.
“So?” Dee raises an eyebrow.
“Soon,” I promise. “Just not tonight.”
A brunette across the room calls out to Dee and waves a bottle of tequila in the air.
“Care to join in?” she asks.
I shake my head, knowing that tequila won’t be a good idea if I hope to stay in control. “I’ll sit out this round. But go ahead.”
“Suit yourself,” Dee says. “I’ll find you later.”
She pushes through the kitchen to the girls shooting tequila, and I turn the opposite way. Declan and Naomi are still speaking closely with animation. His smile is genuine and the best one I’ve seen in weeks. Pride bubbles up inside me as I watch them together—only a matter of time before Declan is back to the Declan I know best. I’m sure of it.
Sudden light-headedness overwhelms me, and I make for the front door. Dee’s parents’ house is filling up quickly, and the heat coupled with the champagne is getting to me. A bit of fresh air is my best option. Outside, I feel the dizziness subside, and I sit on the bench under the front awning. From where I am, I can easily see Dee’s guests coming and going, so it’s no surprise a certain one catches my eye. My heart slows as I take in twenty-seven-year-old Nathan. He’s tall with a strong angular jaw and crew-cut black hair. Memories of our love, our marriage, and Ava and Haley come flooding back, knocking into me and taking the wind out of my lungs. For the first time since my reality changed, I set eyes on my husband. Handsome, perfect, my everything. My Nathan. Except he isn’t mine, and that is made clear by the tall, raven-haired bombshell that stumbles out of the cab and clutches his arm.
Heat creeps up my neck; my heart pounds in my chest. I hate her already, the way she sways and giggles. Her perfect makeup covers her prominent cheekbones and huge lips. Her tight dress hugs her slim body. I want nothing more than to hide, to get away from the party, and pretend I never saw a thing.
I watch him as they walk up the front steps and into the party. He doesn’t glance my way. Of course he doesn’t. He doesn’t know me.
My body tightens with longing, and I stumble towards the stairs, missing the first step and nearly falling on my face. I cannot forgive myself for my choices, for my mistakes, for everything. Hurrying down the street, I hail a cab then send Declan and Dee a text explaining I felt unwell and had to leave.
In the cab, I breathe a sigh of relief. Seeing Nathan with another woman tore my heart apart. I’m single now, and I guess I expected our lives to fall together as easily as Declan’s and Naomi’s. But maybe the choices I made ruined any shot we had.
I wipe away a tear as a thought pushes to the surface, one I’ve tried to ignore for some time. What if there is no going back? Maybe Nathan and I don’t have a future anymore. I ruined that life for myself. As more tears form and begin to slide down my cheeks, my heart mourns my marriage and my daughters. Ava and Haley are lost to me, possibly forever.
Forty-One
NOW
Several days after we last spoke, Jack finally calls me with the news I had been dreading. He’s received another email—this time demanding something.
“They want information on me?” I choke. The blackmailer isn’t looking for money. They want dirt, evidence, anything that can tie me to Brian and Gina’s incident. “What did you tell them?”
“Honestly, Maddie, I haven’t replied,” Jack says. “I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t know anything about your past with this Brian guy. Arabella might, but there’s no way I’m taking this issue to her.”
Of course, Arabella knows. She has all the dirt. It’s the basis of her blackmail. Who knows what else she might have.
“No,” I agree. “Don’t take it to her.”
There’s silence between us then. Neither of us knows how to respond. On the one hand, we’re being threatened with exposure, something that will cause a rift in our lives, and on the other hand, there seems to be nothing we can do to mend the issue. Jack doesn’t have the information, and I’m unwilling to have it passed on. Or am I?
“How will you answer?” I ask after the silence draws on too long.
“I’ll figure something out. I can’t give them what I don’t have.” His voice is flat.
“And the pictures they have?”
“I guess we’re risking their release.” No emotion in his voice, only cold logic.
I imagine the shitstorm the press will stir up. Truth Revealed: Maid of Honour Really Maid of Whoring or Best Friend Turned Slut: How Socialite’s Closest Friend Ruined Everything. It will be the gossip-worthy story of the year. Every entertainment news outlet in the city will want it, and everyone will read it. We’ll be faced with judging stares, the girls who’ll hate me, and the guys who’ll think they can get some. Jayson would learn the truth, and it would hurt him more than I already have. This isn’t what I want, but what can I do?
I release a long breath. “Tell them you’ll give them something: pictures, information whatever. But they have to meet you somewhere.”
I’m not sure what I’m willing to give up to these strangers. I hope I can at least figure out who would want to follow my life so closely and only want information on Brian in return. Who would care?
“Okay, I’ll see what I can do.” He hesitates. “But what happens when we don’t have anything to give them?”
“I’m hoping we figure out who it is before it comes to that.”
“That’s a lot to hope for.”
“Got a better idea?”
Jack remains silent.
“Didn’t think so. Let me know what you come up with.”
“Talk soon.”
The call ends, and I sit back in my chair. My head starts to pound, feeling like my brain has swollen to twice its size and is pushing against my skull. The pain is unbearable. Stress-related. I have too much to deal with around Brian’s release and trying to right my life to focus on this strange blackmail.
I have to shake it off, push it aside, and forget about it for now. There’s nothing I can do until I hear from Jack. He’s the point of contact, and I am left to wait.
I close the article I was working on and climb the stairs to my room. Declan’s out again, which has been common over the past few days. I need to lie down and let the pounding in my head subside. Maybe once I can think, everything will start to make sense.
I must have fallen asleep because I wake up from a wonderful dream. I was happy, life was simple, and I was with Nathan. My daughters were alive and well. I was a proud mom, watching Ava and Haley grow into smart, beautiful young women. It was bliss. Waking up has ruined it all, reminding me I’m not with Nathan and that my daughters don’t exist. Instead, I’m stuck in a strange limbo of affairs and blackmail.
Back at my computer, I try to focus on the work at hand. It’s fruitless, of course, because although life seems to be pushing me away from Nathan, I can’t get him off my mind. The way he touched me in my dreams, his steady smile, his sincere gaze, our perfect babies … all of it made me only want to try harder. I’m not ready to give up our rightful future together, no matter how much I screwed up. Ava and Haley deserve their lives. We deserve to have them. I need a chance to appreciate everything I was given and everything that was ripped away. I will do it right this time.
My email chimes, pulling me away from my thoughts and plotting. It’s from my agent, with good news about a contract we negotiated weeks before. One I remember from my career but didn’t get. Now I’m given the opportunity—a book deal with Black and Diggs, a major publisher. They like my manuscript. I am going to be a published author.
My heart races. It was years, and several ideas, before any of my books gained interest. Despite my wrongdoings during this timeline, at least I progressed quickly in my work. I grab my phone, ready to message the one person who always supported my writing dreams: Dee.
Got time to meet? Good news.
My phone chimes almost immediately.
Diner in ten.
See you then.
I scurry up the stairs to put on something more presentable than my sweats and ratty T-shirt. My stomach gurgles with hunger as I pull on a pair of jeans and a cute blouse and rush off to meet her.
Once seated, Dee orders us a bunch of greasy but delicious appetizers to share, each one bringing me back to our university days. Mozzarella sticks the size of my first two fingers, deep-fried mac-and-cheese balls, an order of crispy garlic fries, and three pounds of honey barbeque chicken wings, complete with two pints of beer. This girl knows the way to my heart. And my thighs. But the aroma is mouth-watering. Probably not the best brain food in the world, but it makes my stomach growl. I dig right in as the first plate comes to the table.
“Okay, spill.” Dee chomps on a giant chicken wing, sauce getting all over her lips.
“They’re publishing the Armalla novel.” I try to keep my voice low, but the excitement breaks through. “They loved it.”
