Company Unknown 4, page 20
No rest for the wicked, nor any time for regrets.
GESUNDHEIT. NOW DON’T KILL ME
My next opponent left little doubt as to what he could do. That should have been refreshing. Instead, it pushed the cynical part of my brain into overdrive. What if the giant shell of this quasi-turtle was just a decoy? What if it spit poisonous gas or farted fire? What if its shell was an ability but not the only one? The Old Man hadn’t given me any rules to say different after all. He hadn’t given me any rules, now that I thought. What’s to say he wouldn’t attack me at some point himself? He did have a final boss feel to him.
Whatever. “Focus on what’s in front of you and not what isn’t.” There was a ten-foot-tall, armored turtle thing, and it clearly had plans for me as its next meal. Delicious though I was, I had different ideas for what constituted food, and it wasn’t myself.
Obviously, my plan was to avoid the shell and strike at the softer meat beneath. Even though the plating of its skin looked dense enough to deflect a mundane blade, I was confident I could still do decent damage. Armored opponents were one of the reasons I’d chosen blunt objects as my weapon of choice. (The other one being the awesome sound they made when they squished things like a ripe melon.) Hard armor didn’t do too well against maces and hammers. While they did do worse than spears and swords against more blubbery or padded opponents, those were much rarer.
My opponent, for some reason, didn’t like the idea of letting me hit it. Despite its size and the fact that its shape wasn’t made for mobility, it had an unusual amount of speed. Its spread-out legs were well designed for pivoting, yet less useful for forward movement. No matter how much I darted and faked, I couldn’t get a good shot at anything but its head. It kept moving to counter me. The only good thing was it couldn’t get an angle on my sides either. I finally had enough and sicced Enter the Void on it.
As usual, the portal popped up above the center of the target’s body. Sensing the danger, though its shell prevented it from craning its neck at an angle to see the portal, the turtle yanked its limbs and head into its shell like they were attached by springs. The portal, however, didn’t care. The magic of its pull lifted the turtle like every opponent before, but halfway up something different happened. The shell shimmered like a diamond. While the portal did not drop the monster, it also did not continue to raise it. Finally, the portal disappeared and the shell crashed back to the ground.
Being a lover—and often producer—of loud noises, I did not let that distract me. As the first limb emerged from the shell, I and my hammer were there to greet it. The thud might have been inelegant, but I could feel that it had done damage all the same. Perception confirmed a combination of that plus my three follow-up blows had taken off over ten percent of the monster’s health.
Not a fan of getting hit with no opportunity to return the favor, the monster quickly regained its wits and again spun its big head to face me. Its mouth resumed attempts to bite me in two. Though it didn’t succeed in that regard, it prevented me from attempting even a single counterattack—even a Shield Bash from my buckler.
With Enter the Void still thirty seconds away from cooldown, I went to my other favorite ability. After quickly spinning myself around to get in the preferred position for my target, I activated Swap.
As expected, the turtle was still facing the other direction when I turned around after using the ability. It still hadn’t figured out where I was by the time I took the few steps to reach one of its legs and pound it. I didn’t get a confirmation from Perception of how much damage I’d done, but that was probably because the status of “fine” it was in had a much broader range of health to the next level. (It was ten percent from “hearty” down through “healthy,” but twenty-nine from the top of “fine” into “been better” range.)
The turtle again spun to show me its ugly head. Enter the Void still being down, I went with the only option I could think of. The best place for the turtle to have its big head when I unleashed the bright light of Purity was not pointing right at me. Unable to see me to dodge, it did the next best thing and yanked its head back into the shell before I could capitalize on its disoriented state. While I could still see its head, the diamond-like shine that had nullified Enter the Void also prevented me from getting inside. Whatever the ability was, it covered all the gaps in the shell with an invisible force field.
Invulnerable it may have been, but it was also immobile.
“I can’t attack you, you can’t attack me,” I said. “Guess that leaves us with story time. Tell me a little about yourself, Mister Turtle. What’s your goal in life? Got any murderous, giant turtle children? Hoping to get them into a good monster college? Take a degree in Stomping and Thrashing, just like dear old dad? Or are you so irritable because one of them wants to be a ballerina instead?”
I wasn’t sure if the beast could understand me, but it sure sounded like its roar was a little angrier than before. Could have been because I’d whacked it a bunch of times, but then again, most monsters were like me: hitting them only encourage them. They lived for battle, and so did I. Maybe if there really were monster colleges, they might feel differently? A life as an accountant or selling insurance did tend to take the aggression—and will to live—out of most people. But since I didn’t have the time to found one and wait for this turtle to complete four years of study, I’d just have to murder it for the experience and to add neat sparkly things to my hammer.
“Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there are no delicious Mer chops inside that shell and I do not deliver, so how about you come out and get some? I’ll even lie down to make it a fair fight.” I plopped to the ground with my feet toward the hole that held the big brute’s slobbering jaws. Even mindless monsters can’t resist my obvious charms.
Its head shot our way faster than I’d expected. There really must have been springs inside there. I was barely fast enough. Being the youngest member of a mercenary squad led by my mother had made me the target of countless “pranks,” and that in turn had given me plenty of practice leaping out of bed. While I had hoped to meet the head at the end of my jumping leap instead of halfway, there was still a lot of power behind my blow.
The turtle also had a lot of power behind its springing skull. Though I’d been hoping to unlock Flight on my hammer, this wasn’t quite the same. Even a master at lack of control like me enjoys a little of the stuff on occasion.
Still, despite catapulting through the air with my limbs flailing about, I called it a win. Armored turtle faces may be strong, but they’re not magic-hammer strong. I’d lost my weapon on the front of its nose, but I’d have no trouble getting it. The last thing I saw before the monster’s blow forced me back to the ground was that it had joined me there. The earthshaking thud that followed would have clued me in anyway. On my status screen, my increased experience confirmed it was truly dead.
I fought through the daze to immediately rise and grab my hammer, yet it appeared to be for nothing. The Old Man knew exactly when I’d regained my senses. The telltale signs of another beast’s approach began. Still, it would have been nice to get some time to examine the inside of the turtle’s shell. Did it really have springs in there? Was the invulnerability from the monster or its shell? How good a toboggan would it make?
My next opponent was a lot more humanoid, but still weirder. Its torso and limbs wouldn’t have been out of place on your average shopkeeper. Monstering did not give it much time for either arm or leg day. Probably because your average gym was full of all kinds of smells that it couldn’t get past. Having a nose that covers two thirds of your six-foot body would have to put any location with more than a few people at a time on your list of places to avoid.
Sure, the big nose could have been a red herring, but Molerix was rarely ever subtle. Was the god of monsters lazy, or did he just like to make the fights fair for us monster hunters? That was something for a bunch of pasty monsterologists to debate endlessly, and I certainly wasn’t going to complain. But then again, did the gods of my home world have domain on this planet as well?
Having giant nostrils did not evidently give one an increase in patience. The Nose charged, so I would have to figure that out later.
Being a hands-on guy—and forgetting that Enter the Void was probably up—I decided to meet it. Though it did have hands, both were empty, and the closest they had to claws were nails that needed a mild bit of clipping. The shoeless feet were about the same: dirty and nothing you’d want to look at for very long. Beyond being a bit red, its eyes were what you’d expect for a human or elf of that size. Nose be its name and nose be its weapon, I guess.
Knowing something that big would be the location for a weapon while also knowing it was a giant version of a very weak spot for humanoids provided a bit of a conundrum. Or it should have been. Breaking noses was one of my favorite things to do and this was the biggest one (proportionally) I’d ever seen. It might as well have been a massive “Hit Me” sign with glowing arrows pointed to it.
The nose, it turned out, was not made of steel or impenetrable turtle shell. It was cartilage by the way it crunched and crumpled. It also bled like a fountain. While I should have expected the last part, the sheer quantity of the red liquid caught me completely off guard, especially around my eyes. It would be just my luck for this to be its special ability and for me to die from it. Some might call it poetic justice, but those people are jerks. I was destined to drown in the blood of my victims—not get a little in my eyes and be pummeled to death while I tried to wash it off.
My death did not happen—yet, anyway. The inhuman screams of the Nose indicated it was even more disoriented than I was. No attack came besides more of a need for a bath and thorough cleaning of my clothes later. There was a reason I only broke noses anymore if my opponent was faced to the side. Groins were more fun anyway, especially after I’d invested in a strong cup. Delivering damage is way more fun than receiving it.
I had to fight my every instinct and back away from the fight, but clearing myself of the spray was my priority. Fortunately, I’d had plenty of experience rubbing blood and countless other bodily fluids out of my eyes, so it barely took a few seconds to get enough of my sight back to assess the situation.
The Nose was trying and failing badly to keep the torrent of blood in. Possessing normal hands that were a fifth of the size of your nostrils would always make this a losing battle. Couldn’t imagine how it handled blowing the thing, and a cold must have been like having the plague for a normal person.
Before I could decide if I should go back in or wait for the pathetic monster to bleed out, the Nose gave up the fruitless battle to keep its lifeblood and focused on the opponent it might have a chance of beating. Both bloodshot eyes focused on me. If it thought itself intimidating, it was mistaken. It was a giant nose that I’d just broken, and I was covered in its blood. It could only be less frightening if it were singing and playing an instrument.
That stare, however, was just a distraction. I’d completely missed a new substance pouring out of the oversized nostrils. Green things coming from noses are never good. This one at least was not slimy. It was gassy.
Covering my own nose did not save me. While my throat had already been prepared to gag before I realized what the stuff was, it had to change course abruptly when I finally soaked it in.
“Achoo!” I nearly laughed out. “Really? That’s your super-special—achoo!”
The Nose’s snort of superiority was largely rendered ineffective by its addition of even more blood to the ground, yet it was justified. My next sneeze was so large, my hammer fell from my hand. I nearly dropped over on the sneeze after, and actually catapulted onto my back to follow that up.
The greatest indignity of all was when the Nose towered over me. An enemy’s gloating had always been my least favorite way to end a fight—until the Nose dribbled blood on my face. He was going to take me with him by drowning me from a wound I’d created. There would be a new nightmare in my rotation if I somehow survived.
Always happy to do the unexpected, I went for something no one could have guessed. A Restore formed on my hand. The target, however, was not myself but someone I wanted dead.
Though I doubted the Nose wanted me to fail, a loud sneeze broke my concentration and the spell fizzled out. My next attempt went the same way. I fought off the sneeze on the third one, only for the blood pooling in my mouth to make me gag. My arm followed my throat’s lead in convulsing, and another spell puffed into oblivion.
On practiced instinct, I summoned a Phantasmal Clone into existence. The Nose must have stopped gloating to stomp my copy back into nothing because the flow of blood paused long enough for me to cough it out and roll over. Its foot further dirtied my disaster of a hauberk, but the kick didn’t have nearly the effect on me that it had on my clone.
Stepped on, annoyed, and tired of being laughed at, I rose to face my equally bloody attacker. While I didn’t have the hammer whose power the fight was meant to increase, I did have my magic and a company-issued bag that I summoned a mace from.
As satisfying as breaking more nose would have been, this time my swing went for the skull—and probably would have crushed it, had not the Nose suddenly dropped. I braced myself for another kick but relented when no pressure came.
The Nose had not attempted a kick or even a punch. It wasn’t until the third bash that I realized there hadn’t been any reaction to a single one of my attacks. The Nose must have either bled out or passed out. That was why it had fallen to “dodge” my initial swing. “A victory is a victory, as long as you can walk away from it,” as Mom liked to say.
Whether from the sad state of my armor and clothes or the sadder scene of my triumph, this time the Old Man had not beckoned another monster forward a few minutes later. If he wanted me to clear off some of the blood, I wasn’t going to do it for him. A little extra time to gather my wits and prepare for the next opponent was not something I was going to pass up. Besides, there wasn’t nearly enough water in my canteen to get even a tenth of the gunk off, and if monsters could be intimidated, few things would work better than being covered in the blood of a previous opponent.
Finally, the Old Man ended our stalemate by gesturing toward me and not the forest. Did he want to “talk” again or do the fighting himself? Either option made me curious, and it wasn’t like I could refuse. Running was never my way.
WHY IS THAT DRAWING HAVING ALL THE FUN?
I got halfway before the Old Man pointed toward my fallen hammer. Being the impudent person I am, I pretended not to see the gesture for a few steps before finally relenting and going back for the weapon. I’d lost count of how many abilities I’d encountered in the latest battles, but it must have been enough for another point. Like every time it had gained one before, the hammer shined a little more and increased in heft. Closing my eyes to check its stats showed those were not just cosmetics. Its average damage had gone up another five points.
Name: Crystalline Ram Hammer
Weapon Skill: Bludgeoning
Level: 8 (5 points unspent)
Damage: 28-35
Quickness: 2.5
Stats: +3 Fortitude, +2 Speed
Bonus: Knockback, Phantasmal Clone
That number coincidentally was the amount of points I now had to spend. With that many, I could buy all but a few of the thirty-plus abilities I’d unlocked. The exceptions were of course the ones I wanted the most, along with two others that would be really cool too in Control and Body Shift. After looking through the five new abilities I’d unlocked, I decided not to reread any of the previous abilities. It would be too tempting to buy a few of them and waste all the herculean effort I’d put into saving up those points.
Most of the new abilities were average at best—except Nesting Doll. That one was just awesome. Of course, combining it with Phantasmal Clone could put so many identical, handsome half-demons in the world that it might explode from all the panties dropping at the same time. Not buying it was the responsible thing to do.
Nesting Doll (5 points) – All but the most powerful magic attacks against you split you into two copies with half your mass, health, and mana. Copies retain all gear of original, though at half size, and can think on their own. Original can force copies to rejoin two minutes or more after split, at which point joined entity gains mass, health, and mana equal to sum of split entities. Any duplicate equipment after the rejoin is lost. Copies will die after five minutes of being separated, at which point the original regains only the mass of the deceased copy.
Karmic Lethargy (3 points) – Melee attacks against you produce a minor slowness debuff on attacker. Debuff is cumulative.
Rebirth (7 points) – Bringing you to zero health puts your body into a temporary catatonic state. After thirty seconds, you reawaken with full health. While catatonic, you can only be harmed by fire and acid. If fire or acid does damage equal to your maximum health during those thirty seconds, you die and cannot be resurrected by this ability. Ability costs five mana and is activated automatically whenever you reach zero health.
Turtle Protection (5 points) – Scrunch up into a ball to gain limited invulnerability. While invulnerable, are immune to all but the most powerful debuffs and spells. All buffs and debuffs on you when invulnerability is activated are dispelled. Cooldown: 1 minute. Duration: 5 seconds
Fit of Sneezes (2 points) – Exhale a green cloud from your nostrils that causes all living things who ingest it to sneeze uncontrollably. Range of cloud depends on your mind stat; chance to resist depends on opponent’s body.
The Old Man had been patient throughout my internal musings and repeated checks of the interface, but that certainly wouldn’t last. Neither his head nor face moved in the slightest when my eyes met his, yet I could feel an understanding being reached between us. That respite was over though, so it was time for . . .
