Company Unknown 4, page 19
Idea number two came more as an accident. The toads looked like separate entities, but they must have had some way to communicate silently. Two tongues coordinated perfectly to slap the same spot in my knee from opposite directions, but my luck with Multidimensional triggered on both. Instead of slapping me off balance or putting me on my way to my first pegleg, they slammed into each other. The impact was not just wince-inducing, it caused the tongues to get stuck together. Despite the metal, the appendages must have still been sticky. Yanking as hard as they could only made them more stuck.
The impulse to take advantage was overwhelming. While it was possible my swing might make two pairs of glued-at-the-tongue, ankle-sized toads or even a single four-toad glue fest, there was no way I could count on that. “Those who rely on luck will eventually roll a one.”
I contented myself with focusing on the three free ones. Besides some good practice on dodging and healing, the results weren’t the best. However, the two I left alone produced a lot better dividends. Rather than pulling apart, their tongues became even more entangled. When their faces touched, I couldn’t help but gawk. By the time their bodies met, I couldn’t look away. The few slashes I took from their companions were a small price to pay to watch the merger.
I wasn’t sure if having one fewer though bigger one was an improvement or not, and I still hadn't figured it out when the merger finished with a pop to reveal . . . only one small toad.
Having a plan in place is all well and good if you can implement it. The tongues kept coming and the pain kept following.
“I propose a parlay.” I grunted as I took one sharp tongue to the shin, butt, and ugly helmet.
The toads ribbited sarcastically before extending their tongues wide in different directions to give me their full answer.
“Parlay means stop hitting me.”
They each put a little more oomph in their blows.
“Dastards. How dare you call me on my terribly obvious lie!”
They stopped for a second and poured more on.
I poured less on. You’d think that would be impossible since the only thing I’d managed to pour was my blood onto the ground so far, but you should never underestimate my capacity to underwhelm (or overwhelm, but that wasn’t relevant this time). Instead of awkwardly not quite dodging, I just stayed still.
The first tongue did miss completely, as my brilliant change in tactics caught it off guard. The others were cannier and caught me in the gut and forearm, respectively. That, however, was all part of my plan. Again, my guess proved correct, as shoving the one tongue with my hammer was not enough power to trigger Knockback or for the monster to split in two.
My free hand was equally lucky—relatively speaking—as it managed to grab the other tongue. Even barely moving, it was plenty sharp enough to slice through my gloves and the calloused skin of the hands below. Pain and I were old friends by this point, but this closeness was nearly too much for me. I almost passed out before I finished yanking and shoving the two together.
Every eye in the area was judging me as I unceremoniously plopped on my butt, but I didn’t care. Two of the toads were just as entangled as the previous two, whose merger left one free. This time, instead of waiting for the stuck ones to finish their process, I decided to spice things up by tricking the free one into their mix.
Several painful ribbits later, it was my turn to be surprised. The loud pop did not reveal one toad or even two. I always hated math on its own, but when magic got involved, my head hurt so hard I couldn’t feel anything. And that makes about as much sense as magic and math do together, so deal with it.
How many toads were there? How about none. And to make matters somehow more nonsensical, in their place was a chest piece whose only thing in common with the monsters who had possessed it was its dark green color.
Name: Clever Coaxer’s Cuirass
Armor Skill: Medium Armor, Heavy Armor
AC: 15
Stats: + 2 Mind, +2 Speed
The best thing I could say about it was that it matched the rest of my outfit and wasn’t too ugly. And while the old hunter’s saying of “Don’t bitch about an upgrade” was technically true, I had a feeling that if whoever had first coined it could see the stats on this thing, they might take it back. A few extra points of armor class wasn’t something I could complain about, nor was the extra speed—but who puts mind on Medium Armor? You were either a melee or a mage. Only an idiot mixed both. Even Spellswords like Metric focused on only one of the two areas. Unless you were a solo adventurer, then you were already two kinds of idiot mixed together, so why not add a third?
This particular idiot would be selling this thing as soon as he got to a sane place that would give you coins for it, but right now I needed every bit of help I could get, and the rustling of the forest said there was no time left to think.
NO PAIN, NO . . . WHAT WAS THAT LAST PART SUPPOSED TO BE?
My new opponent was the opposite on the intimidation scale. In place of muscles, it had gooey fat; in place of height, a nice angle from which to view my abs. I almost considered taking my stupid new cuirass off to perfect his view, but my mom’s voice shouted that urge down. “Appearances can be not true,” or something. Also, there was the incident where I punched the World’s Biggest Marshmallow and got my . . . let’s say “hand” stuck.
A lumbering waddle looked to be its version of a sprint. My instinct was to show it what real speed looked like and close the distance, but Mom’s voice again rumbled through my skull. Neither waiting nor patient were at the top of my repertoire, but I forced myself to remember how both went. I could only manage the willpower for thirty seconds of them. That time was mostly wasted, beyond some fun watching my opponent squish and plop toward me.
It had to have some ability worth adding to my hammer, but unless that was flattening things it sat on or eating vast quantities of pie, I wasn’t going to find out without action. Though I was confident its weight would cancel out Knockback, I still decided to try that first. Its stubby arms and lack of discernable elbows made hitting it too easy to pass up. It aggressively flailed toward me when I darted over for my swing, but I was in and out with my hammer before it even took a full step forward.
The impact of my blow produced the exact plop I’d imagined it making when it walked. Perception confirmed I had done the damage the monster’s flat face suggested. Unlike normally, the feel of the impact hadn’t told me anything. It was like pounding a giant marshmallow, except that I could pull my weapon out.
Not noticing anything amiss, I continued my assault by flitting in for a blow and then back before it could hit me. Once again, I wished I had more than the first tier of Perception to give me a more precise idea of the damage I was causing; the vague statuses I got said I was doing around three percent a strike. Not great, but since my opponent wasn’t able to hit me in return, it was hard to complain. If the fight continued this way, there would be enough time to build up mana for three or four heals to use in the next one too.
I expected to be hit by some new ability almost immediately and was quite puzzled when, over a minute later, none presented itself. The Old Man might have known what the ability was—or not. He wore his usual impenetrable mask as a face.
I was so distracted trying to figure out my enemy that it nearly came within a foot of catching me. On my next attack, I resolved to focus more. The tactic worked in one regard: its aim was even farther off. But the distance hadn’t actually changed. Trying again resulted in the monster getting slightly closer and then a little more.
“Hmm . . . is that how something so pug-ugly manages to reproduce?” I asked the air. “Magnetic personality?”
Despite having a pig’s nose and fatter pig’s face, its retort came out more like that of a duck.
“Quack, quack to you too, Porky. Guess I’ll have to figure this out myself. A little breather from your bacony scent will do me good anyway.”
I faked going in before spinning past some sausage fingers and jogging fifty feet away. The yellow mound of short limbs hadn’t even got halfway into its turn before I stopped. My little bout of extra exercise hadn’t given me an answer as to my opponent’s ability, and I hadn’t expected it to. After counting off the time in my head, I darted in for another swing, but my follow-up was a feint. I repeated the run away from it and then timed my return approach.
“Gotcha, Blubber. Fourteen seconds versus fifteen. Can’t say I blame you for wanting to make everyone else as slooooow as you are, but I don’t plan on meeting you in slumberland.”
Quack and it attacked. I countered by sliding half a step back, well out of its reach. It waddled some more; I backpedaled. The slowest of slow dances continued while I thought of how to counter its lethargic debuff.
A number of answers came to me, though most involved a lot of waiting. Eventually, a much better option emerged.
Again, I darted in but feinted before impact. This time I only kept going for a few feet before turning. The monster hadn’t even finished its sad attempt to hit me and was still facing the other way. With so much extra time, I hit it repeatedly without any worry of it attempting a counter anytime soon. The changes were too subtle to notice, yet I swore I could feel my limbs slowing with each blow.
But just when I was sure it would finally complete its turn to face me, my plan worked. The round mound crashed to the earth; its stumpy limbs thrashed to its sides, looking every bit like a turtle that had rolled over on its hard shell. The speed of my attacks didn’t matter when there was no threat of counterattack.
A less experienced warrior would have had some fun with his opponent’s helpless situation, but I knew better. Though with less velocity than usual, I attacked without mercy while still keeping my swings strategic. Too many shots to the same edge might help the monster roll to a side that would make it easier for it to rise. Whenever it started to tilt one way even slightly, I moved on to the other side.
This time, when the monster finally stopped moving, the Old Man gave me more of a breather. He even waved his hands a bit to cast a spell on me. For some reason I couldn’t explain, I knew it was a good thing and made no effort to dodge. The magic tingled as it washed over me, and after a few experimental swipes I confirmed my guess to be true. The slowness was gone. I nodded for him to proceed, and he didn’t wait at all. Seconds later, my next opponent emerged.
SWEATING FOR THE MOLDIES
Whereas my previous two opponents were all about girth, my next one was the complete opposite. Reed thin in body and limbs, the deep brown monster obviously used the countless trees of this forest as camouflage. An ambush predator all the way. The daggerlike claws on its hands would end even a moderately strong beast or average warrior in one pounce. It would need to, as its body had no natural armor, nor did it suggest much in the way of health. One solid strike from my hammer would probably end it, assuming I managed to hit it anyway. The way it moved left showed it had plenty in the department of speed. Not wanting that to be a problem, I immediately snapped an Enter the Void above it and used the distraction to gain some ground.
Once again, the portal did not seem to spit my enemy out with any debuff that might help, yet it provided all the diversion I needed. As I’d guessed, its slender body held nothing in the way of defense, and it crumpled from the impact. My hesitance to hit it again was trepidation that it should reveal its special ability mixed with outright surprise at how easy it had been. The monster lay there unmoving. My tier-one Perception might not have given me nearly the level of detail I wanted, yet it did take all the mystery out of whether an opponent was playing possum or truly deceased. The status of “dead” was one of the few things in my crazy life with no ambiguity—at least normally.
The questioning look I gave the Old Man only resulted in the same stone-faced response he gave to everything. The fact that there was no new rustle in the forest, however, told me all I needed to hear. Staring at the defeated enemy at my feet provided even more clues as it started moving.
Unfortunately, I was a half-second too slow. It contorted its body enough to bend away from my blow. The speed with which it rose and dodged my next attack at least confirmed it wasn’t a zombie. That my Purity had no effect ruled out all the other varieties of undead and demons too. The bright lights of the spell did at least foil its attempt to remove my larynx. The temporary blindness, however, was not enough to allow me to connect and send it back to the ground with a powerful strike.
The fight was almost a repeat of that with the toads. Without the element of surprise, the monster’s damage was manageable enough for me to undo with heals. This time I had no reason to not return the favor, yet doing so proved difficult. Its response to “Do you mind standing still so I can kill you again?” was more scrapes on my armor. Eventually, though, I got lucky. The blow was only a glancing one against a rib, but you’d never know it from the monster’s reaction. Three unintended cartwheels later, it crashed into a tree like it had been hit by a charging bull. Again, it lay there unmoving and again Perception showed it “dead.”
“Guess it’s over.” I pretended to put my hammer away as I casually walked toward its fallen form. “I should probably rest before the next one comes, but this is me, so I’ll just get some good gloating in instead.”
The Old Man showed his usual lack of reaction.
I stopped over the unmoving form. “You were not a worthy opponent, so no respect for you. Desecrating corpses for the win!”
My hammer crashed into where I guessed its heart was. It was either truly dead or had a legendary mental resolve. No cry of pain or reaction came. For once, my trust issues and logic agreed. The next two strikes went for knees. After that, all the joints in its arms before finally moving to the head. Though I wasn’t satisfied to leave it as a mushy mess, I didn’t have anything to start a fire with, at least not quickly.
(You start three forest fires and suddenly you’re deemed “a safety hazard” and “a danger to all life in a thousand-mile radius.” As commander, I naturally overruled their vote and any future abilities for them to vote against me, but Dink still stole all my fire-starting devices the next morning. Giving him extra-extra training did not get them back, but considering he had already accrued enough to last several lifetimes, I obviously needed a better threat.)
Despite my best attempts to keep the monster as a paste, the pieces still oozed back together. The fight went about the same as before, when it evaded my best attempts to keep it down: lots of misses from me, healing through the monster’s much better aim, and me eventually getting lucky to take it down.
“Does anyone have a lighter?” I yelled to the Old Man.
Either he didn’t or knew that trusting me with one in his home made of trees was a bad idea.
“Torches, Fireball wands, flamethrowers?”
His face said nothing, yet still managed to answer me in the negative.
A memory clicked. Trolls. There was another thing they liked less than fire. “Acid. Got any of that? Only small judgments from me if you do. I mean, you are helping me, but who keeps acid just lying around if they aren’t up to no good?”
He blinked. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but he didn’t hand me anything, so it didn’t matter.
“Fine, but remember, this is only because you wouldn’t help.” I untied my belt and pulled down my pants.
Now, I’m not going to describe what I did next, because I’m pretty sure you don’t want a blow by blow of every detail—or, I guess, drip by drip. I will hint that it was not what I normally did when I pulled my pants down in front of a stranger, or what I did in a slightly more private room with a sexy stranger or five.
Neither the monster nor the Old Man reacted at all. I hadn’t expected either to. Hopeful though I was of my action, I didn’t expect it to work. There wasn’t exactly a lot of acid in what came out of my body. Halfway through I realized I wasn’t entirely sure if there was any acid in pee.
Whether right or wrong, I was at least having fun. A win in that regard. It would be less of a win, though, if I was wrong and the monster re-formed. “Caught with your pants down” was normally used for a different reason than what I was attempting, but it still applied. Well, this was at least how I always pictured I’d go. Would have been nice if there was at least one naked lady nearby, but life had always been full of disappointments, so why should this be any different.
Fun I was having. Success? Kind of. The monster was still re-forming, but like it had rubbed all over its predecessor. Could have probably had a light lunch and taken my time about it while waiting for it to finish.
I was better than that. Smarter too. Not much. This is me, so I only had a snack and did some mild taunting.
In my defense, I did combine that with trying to come up with a better idea. Needed to replenish the juices for a second round of half-demon fountain, and it just made sense to eat a little something to go with my drink. I probably could have kept going like that until it eventually died from disgrace or maybe drowned, but a better idea came to my head—or more accurately, smacked me in the chin.
My new necklace was nice to look at and pretty sturdy with the dent it made, but the green gem at its center reminded me of something—something it had the ability to project, something I had been looking for. I tapped the gem and let its ability go to work.
This time I could not only see the results, I could smell them. I’d sniffed a lot of burning monsters in my day—and burning humans, burning trolls, burning dwarves, and well, just about everything—but this was one of the worst smells I’d ever experienced. I made a note to test whether that was from my necklace’s acid or not later, in the deep, deep future. By the time I finished regretting and releasing my snack out the way it came, the forest was rustling again.
