Remembering Him, page 14
Before things could get more emotional, I pulled away from the curb, telling myself I’d keep true to my word. Mom and Dad wouldn’t have the chance to miss me. I’d stop by often as thanks for all they’d done for me.
When I parked my Honda in Sam’s driveway, the tension riding my shoulders loosened. I was aligning my life in the right direction.
Pushing my car door open, I steeled myself for what was to come.
It’d be awesome.
I hoped.
It hadn’t taken any arm twisting to convince me that Sam and I should go out to Nick’s to celebrate my joining her company. Now that I was settled into her house, modest but spacious enough for the two of us, I was amped up and ready to get to having fun already. I was sick of my moroseness, sick of my past, and sick of not doing anything much at all to change it.
After the commotion of the last time we’d been here, we tucked ourselves away in the farthest booth from the entrance. The corner was secluded and dark, and I eased into it.
“Never thought your big sister would be your lowly employee, did you?” I ribbed, only half teasing. I’d never imagined I’d be working for my sister at the age of twenty-nine. When I was seventeen, I hadn’t done much figuring out of what I’d be doing at this age, but I knew what it didn’t include.
“Aw, stop,” Sam said. “It’s not like that and you know it.”
“Actually, it totally is like that, but I’m messing with you. I’m really pretty pumped to be doing this with you. I don’t know what I’d be doing otherwise.”
“Well, you have enough money stashed away to last you a while, right?”
“I do.” Thank fuck anal-retentive me had been predictably responsible in tucking away savings. “But I want to adventure with you. Seriously, Sam, ignore my joking. I want to do this. So much. I can’t wait to do whatever you have lined up next. And speaking of, what is that?”
Sam grinned. “I have this gay couple who are repeat customers. They’re awesome. You’re going to love them. I’ve taken them swimming in the Arctic, mountain climbing up two super high peaks, and spelunking.”
My mouth dropped open. “Uh, no wonder Mom thinks you’re nuts—and thinks I’m nuts for joining you. Swimming in the Arctic? That sounds insane. Their balls must’ve frozen and shattered.”
She shivered at the memory. “It was pretty fucking freezing. I’m not gonna lie. I’m not going to be suggesting that trip to my clients. I’ll only do it again if they ask for it specifically.”
“But you’d still do it again?”
She shrugged. “I’m game for just about anything my clients want to do. Most of them ask me to suggest adventures for them, so I have a lot of control, but some of them, like Roger and Wade, come up with their own ideas. And they. Are. Wild.” Grinning, her eyes twinkled, so I pushed on before I could focus too much on how miserable it would be to swim in the freaking Arctic Ocean.
“So where do Roger and Wade want to go this time?”
“Into the Amazon. They want to trek into the wildest parts of the jungle and experience raw nature. Their words, not mine.”
“And you want me to come along?”
“Hell, yeah. That’s the whole idea of it. I want your help there. I already have everything organized. Every time one of my clients signs up for a trip, I suggest it to my other clients in case they want to join. Unless they specifically ask me to keep it a private trip, and then they pay extra. Ten other clients signed up to join us for the Amazon excursion. Apparently, it’s something lots of them had been wanting to do.”
I whistled. “That’s going to be intense.”
“You’re up for it though, right? Doctor Hottie said you could do anything you wanted now, didn’t he?”
“Yep. He said my brain’s completely healed, no more swelling or residual damage beyond the amnesia. I can basically do anything any other person would do now.”
“Awesome. So you’re game?”
“I am.” There was no way I was going to back out now. This was my ticket to wild times and remembering who exactly I used to be—am, whatever. This was a guaranteed way to reconnect fully with the wild Rae everybody else loved. My chance at full recovery. “I’m one hundred percent in.”
“I’ll cheer to that.” Sam held up her martini and we chinked glasses. I took my first sip of my third drink and winced at the sting of my own martini. Three olives crowned dry vermouth, and I felt that vermouth burn all the way down. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head against it.
When I opened them again, Sam was staring off into the bar.
“What is it?” I swiveled to follow the direction of her attention and stilled, licking my lips.
“Hey, Rae, Sam.”
Jace’s deep voice shot through my body like a rocket, leaving a warm burn behind.
Chapter Twenty
~ Jace ~
“What are you doing here?” Sam asked in an aggressive tone she never used with me.
“I want to say hi to you and then I want to talk to Rae.”
I’d gone half crazy trying not to think of Rae and the things she said the last time we ran into each other. She said she loved me—right now. Not in the past, not like she’d gotten over me.
She said she wanted me.
I could have her again if that’s what I chose. She as much as said so.
I couldn’t have her though, I still knew that. But it didn’t change what I wanted. I wanted her too. Obviously I did. Every time I told myself I didn’t, I could feel the lie burning a hole inside me.
Since I’d last seen her, I’d immersed myself in my work, anything to get her out of my head. But after fixing every bike I could get my hands on, even having Judy move up appointments and driving my mechanics up the wall in the process, I’d accepted that bikes weren’t enough. I moved on to the punching bag. I hit it so hard and so often that it split at the seams; I had to go get a new one. I’d ridden my Indian so fast it should have been enough to purge myself of the itch to see her.
It hadn’t.
When I drove past Nick’s and spotted Sam’s purple Jeep, my bike had pulled over as if it operated on its own. Before I knew it, I’d stashed my helmet and walked into the place. I found the sisters hidden away in the darkest corner of the restaurant before I could talk sense into myself.
“Rae and I are in the middle of talking business,” Sam announced with that same aggression I didn’t understand.
I narrowed my eyes at her, trying to figure her out. I thought Sam and I were friends. She was the only good thing to survive my relationship with Rae.
“What kind of business?” I asked.
Sam pointed her gaze toward her martini, swirling a cocktail stick with olives around in her glass. “She’s going to start working with me.”
I felt my eyebrows raise. “In your adventure tour gig?”
“Yep. We’ll be leaving town soon enough.”
“How soon?” I asked before I could punch myself in the teeth. What was I doing?
“Soon. We’re ironing out some details.”
“It’s really good to see you,” Rae said.
Sam sighed obnoxiously. What the hell was her problem?
“How are you doing?” Rae asked.
“Rae,” Sam snapped.
“What? I’m not doing anything. I’m just being nice.”
“Well, don’t be,” Sam nearly snarled at her sister.
I narrowed my eyes at both of them. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” they said in unison, just as they always used to when they were getting up to some kind of trouble.
“Come on. What are you two up to?”
“Nothing,” Sam repeated, alone this time.
“I might not have been around you guys in a while, but I still remember exactly what you’re like. You’re up to something and now I want to know what.”
“Seriously, I’m not up to anything,” Rae said. The way she stared at Sam, it was like she was talking to her and not me. “I won’t say anything else.”
“But I want to talk to you.”
Her gaze snapped to mine. “Why?”
I have no fucking idea. “I just want to square things between us.” I shrugged like it was no big deal that I was here, doing what I’d promised myself I’d never do. “So we can move on.”
“Right. Of course.” Rae’s voice was tight.
“When you came to see me, I wasn’t really in the space to talk things through. But now … I think I need to so I can … put you behind me.”
I was staring straight at those whiskey eyes I loved. I caught the way they flickered when I said it.
Sam tipped her glass up, taking several big gulps. “Good. The sooner you two put this all behind you, the better.”
“Definitely,” I said as Rae said, “Of course.”
Our eyes met again.
“You don’t have a date this time?” she asked.
“Nope. How about you? Do you have an ex-fiancé you need me to punch out?”
Sam scowled at Rae as she laughed. “Definitely not. But if I ever need you to knock Todd out again, I’ll be sure to let you know. I wouldn’t mind seeing that a second time.”
Warmth spread through my chest. “You didn’t do so bad yourself.”
Her smile fell. “He had it coming.”
“Luke told me you aren’t pressing charges against him for what he did to you.”
“I don’t see the point. It won’t change what happened, and I don’t think he’d end up in trouble anyway.”
“Maybe, maybe not. It might be worth it.”
She shrugged and smiled timidly. Again I was struck by how odd it was to see Rae unsure. That was one thing that had changed. The Rae I knew rarely doubted herself.
I took her in. She wore a flowered button-down shirt, unbuttoned down nearly to her bra in a way that was anything but puritan. Again, I recognized it. I’d once popped off one of the bottom buttons in my haste to get it off her. Trailing my attention downward, I noticed that the same button was still gone. Her shirt gaped open along the bottom where she’d halfheartedly tucked it into her jeans.
As always, she was beautiful. She wore no makeup, but even so her whiskey eyes leapt out at me. Her full lips made me wish I could feel them all over my body as much as I used to.
When I finally took in the lopsided style of her hair, it took me a few seconds to land on the reason behind her unusual hairstyle. She always wore her hair long, wavy, and wild. But if she wanted to, say, grow out her hair where they’d shaved it for surgery, she’d wear it like this.
That douche Todd was lucky he wasn’t here. I’d punch his lights out all over again. Then I’d wait for him to wake up so I could do it another time.
“Seriously?” Sam said, interrupting the ogling I was doing without even realizing it. Rae blinked repeatedly as if clearing a daze.
“You guys need to stay away from each other.” Sam stared meaningfully at Rae before turning that beam of judgment on me. “I mean it.”
“I’m just here to talk.” I channeled all the innocence I could muster into my lie so I wouldn’t feel like a total idiot.
“Do you remember how things were after she broke up with you?” Sam’s aggression was back in full force.
Mildly embarrassed, I snuck another look at Rae. She appeared more embarrassed than I was. Her face was tilted down toward the table while she fiddled with the stem of her martini glass.
“Well, do you?” Sam insisted.
“Of course I do,” I said. “I’m just here to talk.”
“No, you aren’t.”
“How could you possibly know what I’m thinking?”
“Because I know you. Don’t forget whose shoulder you cried on after my sister dumped you.”
I waited for Rae to protest, but she just kept twirling her glass, looking dejected. The Rae I knew would’ve jumped down Sam’s throat.
“I didn’t cry,” I announced firmly. Though I had shed a few tears, I’d done so on my own, in private. No way would I have done that around anyone else, not even my family, and especially not around my ex-girlfriend’s sister.
Sam tsked impatiently, waving a hand in the air. “Of course you didn’t actually cry. You’re too tough for that. But for real, Jace, remember.”
“I do remember,” I shot back stiffly. “That’s why I’m not here to try to get back together. I’m just here to talk so I can move on. Like I said. Several times already.”
Sam stared at me for several beats too long. “Fine. It’s your broken heart, not mine.”
“I just told you I’m not here to reconcile.” I had to work hard not to snap at her. My patience was bottoming out.
“Yeah, yeah. Like I said, I know you both.” She drained the rest of her drink before slamming it against the table a little too forcefully. She eyed Rae. “You’ll pay the tab?”
“Of course.” Rae’s voice was softer than I thought I’d ever hear it again.
Sam slid out of the booth and told me: “Take her home when you’re finished talking.” She might as well have used air quotes. Without another look back, she stalked out of the bar. I watched her all the way until she waltzed through the door, letting it swing heavily behind her. I stared at the door for several beats after it stilled.
When I couldn’t avoid Rae any longer, I finally turned back toward the table. Her gaze swam with an emotion I didn’t want to put a name to, and I knew exactly why. Sam’s warnings were ringing loudly through my mind, and Rae was looking at me like she was willing to overlook them.
With a sigh that lamented my lack of self-preservation, I slid into the seat across from Rae. She clutched the stem of her glass so hard I thought she might break it.
I had no idea what I should say. No, that wasn’t true. I knew what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t allowed to say it. I couldn’t tell her that I’d missed her like crazy and that I desired her back so badly it hurt. A guy had to have some self-respect after all, and I was pretty sure I was kicking mine in the balls just by showing up here.
It’s just that she looked so much like the girl I’d fallen in love with so long ago. And I’d never fallen out of love with her. Everything else had been a lie I told myself in order to survive.
I could find evidence of the last twelve years on her face, but barely. Her cheekbones were more pronounced now, her face a bit less round. Most of all what was different was the regret she wore in the roundness of her shoulders.
“Jace,” she started before I was ready. “Sam’s right. What I did was awful, and you shouldn’t put yourself at risk by being around me anymore.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back into the cushioned booth. “Put myself at risk? I mean it when I say I’m not open to getting back together. That’s not at all why I’m here. Why won’t either one of you believe me?”
“Then maybe I want to get back together and I can’t let myself go there.”
My heart skipped a beat before picking up at an accelerated speed. “I’m the one who can’t let myself go there, not you.”
“No, it’s me too. Sam helped me see it. Even though I love you now and want to be with you, there’s no guarantee things won’t change with us somewhere down the line. And I can’t risk hurting you again, no matter what. It’s not worth it.”
“Wait. You’re saying the reason you don’t want to be with me is in case we don’t make it for some reason you can’t guess at?”
She nodded, the long side of her hair swinging with her conviction. “Exactly. Though I’m crazy about you now, what if something changes in the future? What if we end up breaking up again?” Shaking her head, she bit her bottom lip. “I can barely live with the guilt of what I did to us before. No way can I handle hurting you again.”
I uncrossed my arms and wrestled with the urge to ply her fingers free of the martini glass before she snapped it in half. “That’s like saying you don’t want to live for fear of dying.”
She chuckled darkly. “That’s a bit extreme. It’s me being cautious for your sake.”
“And what if I don’t want your caution?” The question slipped out before I could halt it. Before I could even begin to consider what I was saying—worse, what I was doing.
Her eyes blazed as they held mine. “What are you saying?”
Huffing, I ran a hand through my hair. What the hell was I saying? “Nothing. Forget it. I’m just nervous.”
“You don’t get nervous.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve changed a lot since we were together.”
“See, that’s exactly why Sam’s right.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say Sam’s right before.” I smiled playfully, but she seemed to be able to tell the effort was halfhearted. My gut was twisted into a tight knot.
She snickered, also halfheartedly. “Don’t tell her I said so. I don’t want it to go to her head. She’s already being a pain in my ass with all her astute observation about me.”
Tucking her long hair behind her ear, she glanced toward the rest of the bar and tensed.
“What is it?” I asked, mildly hoping it was Todd again. What I found instead were too many people watching us. Oh, sure, when Rae and I looked up, they pretended not to be paying attention. But they definitely were.
Rae and I were the talk of the town, which didn’t have much else to get on about. Even my mom had called me to make sure I was staying clear of “that heartbreaking hussy.”
“Want to have our talk at my place?” I asked.
“Yeah. I … can’t even blame them for looking at me like that.”
“They aren’t looking at you any which way.”
She arched her brows at me.
“Okay, maybe they are. So let’s go.”
Nodding, she slapped some twenties on the table and made a beeline for the front door, keeping her attention straight ahead.
When I led her over to my bike, she smiled up at me, the first true, carefree smile I’d seen from her. “I love this bike. It’s hot.”
Chuckling, effervescence I didn’t care to analyze bubbled through me. “Can you wear a helmet?” I handed my spare to her. “It won’t hurt you?”
