The Skye Collection, page 96
Millie suddenly hurried from his lap, hand over her mouth, and dashed from the room. Her stomach flipped and churned as she clambered into the bathroom. She only just made it before the meagre contents of her stomach vacated her body.
2
By the time Millie crawled into bed, Harry was fast asleep, snoring his head off just as he always did when he’d been drinking. She carefully climbed in beside him, her eyes so sore from the retching and the myriad tears she had shed, her stomach equally as uncomfortable for the same reasons. She was exhausted. Drained, both emotionally and physically, but regardless of that fact, sleep evaded her for a good couple of hours.
What the hell was she going to do? Surely he didn’t mean it about the abortion? Surely it was just the initial shock that had rocked him to the core? Perhaps when he awoke in the morning, he’d see things clearly and realise he was being far too hasty. Maybe he would dream of being a dad, holding that little bundle in his arms for the first time and falling head over heels in love just as she had dreamt ever since taking that first pregnancy test.
But what if he doesn’t have a change of heart? What then? The thought of a life growing inside her both excited and terrified her. There were so many unknowns ahead but going through the journey with Harry would make it wonderful. They would go to all the antenatal appointments together, see their baby on the screen in their first scan, visit baby shops and look at prams and cots and tiny little outfits. It wasn’t something she even realised she wanted until she had done the pregnancy test and seen the word pregnant on the device. Now she couldn’t think of anything she wanted more… except Harry.
He’d been right when he’d said they had been each other’s world since they met. She’d never felt love like it… well, not requited love anyway. There had been one major unrequited situation that had lasted years, but when she met Harry, she recovered from that. He mended the heart that no one else even knew was broken. She hadn’t shared her secret with anyone; there had been no point since it could go nowhere. But her relationship with Harry had gone somewhere, quickly admittedly; although moving in with him had been such an easy decision that when she’d found out she was pregnant she’d presumed they would simply take the next step together. Only now she wasn’t so sure.
The following morning when Millie awoke, she opened one eye slightly and saw Harry buttoning up his golfing top. Of course, it was Saturday and nothing was going to change his regular plans. She watched his bleary-eyed reflection staring blankly back at him from the mirror, the dark circles evident, telling her he had woken earlier than normal. She was a little disappointed that he hadn’t decided to stay home, in light of the new information he had learned, but then decided it was probably best if he played a round or two. He said he did his best thinking on the fairway, so maybe it would do him good.
He turned to face her, and she closed her eyes immediately. She couldn’t bear to hear him talking about clinics and terminations again if that’s where his mind remained. She wanted to avoid all conversation with him until she’d had time to think about what she wanted. After all, this was her body, so the decision was ultimately hers. I don’t care how selfish that makes me.
He bent and kissed her head. ‘See you later on, sweetheart. Call my mobile if you need anything.’
She snuffled and rolled over in her continued state of feigned slumber, and only when she heard the door close did she sit up in bed. Her stomach churned and she gagged a little. Morning sickness really was the pits, it turned out. She’d initially been relieved to have hidden it from Harry for so long, and had only been able to do so because of his busy schedule and early mornings.
She showered, dressed and made her way to the kitchen to see if there was anything her stomach might tolerate and settled on some plain oatcakes and a cup of Earl Grey, without milk. As she waved her hand over the sensor to open the bin and discard her teabag, the lid sprang open and there, amongst the rest of the garbage, sat the pregnancy test, face up so that the word ‘pregnant’ mocked her from the little screen.
How could he? The way it had been thrown away like trash was a stark and painful reminder of Harry’s opinion. Would he so readily discard her too if she told him she wanted to keep the baby? Tears welled in her eyes, and she reached in and rescued the white stick, wiping it off with kitchen paper and tucking it into her pocket.
Suddenly without an appetite once again, she sat at the kitchen table and stared out of the window at the dull sky. So much for flaming June. It was as if the weather had examined her mood and dressed itself accordingly.
Millie felt listless and restless simultaneously, with a hundred different worries and thoughts vying for pole position in her mind. So, even though it was the weekend, half an hour later, she sat at her laptop and opened the documents for her latest job: a restaurant that had new management and a bad reputation to somehow expunge. The words on the screen before her melded into a black blob and she closed her eyes, wishing away the nausea.
Millie thought of Jules and the fact that she would have been available with healing hugs if she didn’t live so far away. A sob escaped her chest and a feeling akin to homesickness caused her stomach to lurch once more. She had known Jules for so long that her very being was like home to her; to not have her best friend close by hurt more today than it had for a very long time. She always missed her, of course, but sometimes she missed her so much that she worried she’d stop functioning. Jules had absolutely no clue that this was the case. Millie couldn’t possibly let on as her best friend deserved to be happy and she couldn’t bear the thought of causing her to feel any measure of guilt.
Millie closed her laptop again, went to the bathroom and regarded her pale cheeks in the mirror above the sink. It was strange that she felt so flushed, yet her pallid reflection told a totally different story. Even her long blonde waves were lacklustre, so she pulled them up into a messy bun. After a splash of cold water, she decided she needed to see Jules’ face. The Lifeboat House Museum in Glentorrin would be open, but Jules rarely worked Saturdays any more. She had a wonderful team in place these days, since her fiancé Reid had purchased the museum for her, and this allowed her to spend her weekends with him, her soon-to-be stepson Evin, and, of course, Chewie the Hungarian Vizsla.
Back in the kitchen, Millie opened up her laptop once more and her finger hovered over the video call icon. Knowing full well that Jules would instantly see there was something amiss, Millie grabbed her make-up bag from her handbag on the chair beside her and patted some concealer around her eyes, added a little blush and a dab of lip gloss. Once assured that she looked more human and less like Data from Star Trek, she hit the dial icon.
‘Millie! So lovely to see you, how are you doing?’ Reid asked in his wonderfully lilting Scottish accent, a big, genuine smile on his face as he answered.
‘Hi, Reid, I’m good, thanks. How are you?’
‘Oh, you know, running around like a headless chicken as always. I’ve got an exhibition over on the mainland in Fort William next week, so I’m frantically trying to select which pieces to take.’ Millie was in awe of Reid. After his own bitter divorce – and the issues resulting from it – he had managed to build Jules up and help her to heal from losing her beloved first husband Laurie to cancer. It was wonderful to know she was happy again.
‘Wow, that sounds exciting. Congratulations! I hope it all goes well. How’s Evin?’
Reid laughed. ‘Counting down the days to the summer holidays at the end of the month. I think he’s more excited about that than Christmas. And, of course, Chewie senses his giddiness and follows suit. They’re both driving me and Jules doolally.’ He laughed, his eyes sparkling with mirth, the love for his son, and their daft Hungarian Vizsla, shining through. It was easy to see why Jules adored her little ready-made family.
A mop of dark hair appeared over Reid’s shoulder. ‘Hi, Millie! Don’t listen to anything my dad says, he’s a roaster! Bye, Millie!’
Reid gasped in mock annoyance. ‘Oy! Haud yer wheesht! Away and take Chewie for a walk.’
Millie laughed at the banter between father and son. ‘Is Jules around at all?’ she asked, hoping Reid didn’t take offence.
‘Aye, she’s here now. I’ll bugger off and leave you ladies to blether. Hope to see you soon.’
‘Good to see you, Reid, thanks.’
Jules appeared on screen. ‘Hey, lovely. Sorry about that, I was just chatting to Morag at the door; Evin told me you were calling. How are you doing? Feeling any better?’
Seeing her best friend’s smile made Millie grin widely, and she momentarily forgot her troubles. ‘Oh, it’s so good to see your face. And yes, I’m much better, thanks,’ she lied. ‘How are you?’
‘Great! I’ve been planning wedding cake flavours with Caitlin. Although I’m going to have to be careful or I won’t find a dress to fit me.’ She laughed and patted her belly.
Millie glanced down at her own, but for totally different reasons. ‘Ah, lovely. Erm… speaking of bellies… I have something I need to tell you.’ Her lip trembled and her eyes stung.
Jules instinctively knew and covered her mouth with her hands, her eyes wide and suddenly watery. ‘Oh my goodness! Millie! That’s incredible! I knew it! I said to Reid the other day that I wondered if you were… and you are…’
When Millie remained silent, Jules frowned.
‘Oh my god, you do mean you’re pregnant, right?’
Millie forced a smile and nodded as tears escaped her eyes and trickled down her face. ‘Yup. I’m up the duff.’ She laughed at her own bizarre choice of phrase.
Jules squealed and clapped her hands. ‘Oh my goodness! Reid! We’re going to be Aunty and Uncle!’
Millie heard Reid shouting, ‘Woohoo!’ from somewhere in the house, followed by, ‘Congratulations!’
Even though Millie had plastered a smile in place, it was faltering and her chin trembled. ‘Thank you, you guys,’ she managed to say.
‘So how far along are you?’ Jules asked.
‘I’m not exactly sure. Ten… twelve weeks maybe? I’m going to make an appointment with the doctor and find out the next steps. According to the internet, I should be offered a dating scan so that will shed more light on things.’ She realised she was talking as if everything was fine and going ahead, but she reached down and felt the pregnancy test in her pocket and remembered where she’d found it and her heart leapt. She closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them again, she forced a smile.
‘Oooh, this is so exciting, you must let me know what—’ Jules stopped and her smile disappeared. ‘Millie, what’s wrong?’
Millie shook her head and frowned. ‘Wrong? Why would anything be wrong?’
Jules leaned closer to the screen. ‘Because I know you. And I know when you’re really happy. Please tell me.’ She paused. ‘Isn’t this planned?’
Millie shook her head. ‘Not exactly.’
Jules’ expression washed over with sadness. ‘Oh, honey, you don’t want to be pregnant, do you?’
Millie swiped the moisture from her eyes. ‘Oh no, it’s not that. It’s just… It’s just…’ A sob escaped her chest, and she covered her face with her hands, shielding her eyes from view.
‘Millie, love, what is it? You’re scaring me. Is something wrong with the baby?’
Millie shook her head. ‘No. Well, not as far as I’m aware. It’s just that… Harry doesn’t want to be a dad. Not yet at least.’
Jules gasped and placed her hand over her heart. ‘Oh shit. Has he said so? I mean, did he just act shocked or did he say those exact words?’
‘The latter.’
‘Oh no, Millie, sweetheart. But you two are so happy. He adores you, that much is patently obvious. I don’t understand. His family is huge and he’s great with his sister’s kids, isn’t he?’
Millie nodded again. ‘Says he doesn’t want our life to change. That he doesn’t want to share me. He even called the baby a bloodsucker.’
Jules gasped and her eyes widened in horror. ‘What a pig! So, what the hell does he expect you to do?’
Millie took a deep breath, and knowing full well she couldn’t put the vile word into a sentence, she simply blurted, ‘Termination.’
3
Jules remained silent as Millie sobbed. Her pain-filled cries echoed around the Notting Hill flat, bouncing off the walls. She longed for someone to hold her. To stroke her hair and tell her that it had been a bad dream, that Harry was actually excited to be a father, and that the word termination had been a horrid figment of her imagination. But, of course, she was alone, and sadly his reaction had been in no way imagined. The truth was that she had accidentally become pregnant and the man she loved didn’t want any part in it.
Once her tears had subsided, she reached for a tissue from her handbag. ‘Bloody hell, Jules, I’m so sorry about that, I don’t know what came over me.’ She wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
‘Hey, don’t you dare apologise for any of this. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m going to get on the train tomorrow and come down.’
Millie held up her hand. ‘No! Please don’t do that. You have a life up there and I’ll be absolutely fine, I promise.’
Jules shook her head. ‘No, you need me. I’m—’
‘Reid and Evin need you too. And you have a wedding to plan. Please don’t come down. I… I think I need to deal with this myself. I don’t want Harry to feel ganged up on. It won’t help.’
Jules sighed. ‘But what will you do?’
Millie shrugged. ‘I have a big decision to make. I love Harry so much. I can’t stand to think of my life without him. And I suppose I can have a baby later on…’ She thought back to Harry’s vehement assertion that they had time, but remembered the accompanying expression and wondered if there would ever be a later on.
Jules nodded. ‘Of course you can, honey. But… please make sure you do the right thing for you, okay? It’s your body.’
Millie swallowed hard. ‘Yes, but it’s both our lives, Jules. If Harry’s so dead set against a baby, how can I go ahead and have it when 50 per cent of its parentage doesn’t want it? How is that fair?’
Jules paused for a moment as if calculating her next words. ‘True, but the other 50 per cent clearly does want it.’
Millie let the words sink in, and Jules continued.
‘And once it’s done, it can’t be taken back.’
‘Yes, that’s true.’ Millie replied, trying not to dwell on what that really meant.
Jules huffed air through puffed cheeks. ‘Hey, you know I will support you no matter what, don’t you? You know that I’m here for you and that I will come down if you need me. You just have to say the word.’
‘I know. Thank you. I appreciate that so much.’ Silently, Millie wanted nothing more than to be hugged by her best friend but there was no way she would admit this and drag Jules all the way to London from Glentorrin.
‘I could punch him for that awful reaction though, Millie. I can’t understand it. Why did he have to be so horrid?’ Jules seethed.
‘Please don’t say anything to Harry, will you?’
‘Of course I won’t. I’ll just imagine punching him instead.’ Jules gave a sad smile. ‘I’ll make sure Reid says nothing either. Not until you have decided what to do. Have you told your mum and dad yet? Or Edie?’
Millie shook her head. ‘Ugh no. Edie isn’t the maternal type, so it would mean nothing to her. But I’m going to call Mum and Dad once I’ve spoken to the doctor and once I know what I’m going to do. Although… if I do what Harry wants, I don’t suppose I will need to tell them.’ That very thought crushed her and she was glad to be seated as the air left her lungs.
Jules shook her head and leaned closer to the screen, clearly as desperate to hug her as Millie was to receive a warm embrace. ‘Like I said, Millie, this is huge for you. You have to do what you want. And I don’t care if that appears selfish.’
As she nodded, guilt niggled at Millie’s insides. Her best friend was childless; she was going to be the most wonderful stepmum to Evin – in fact, she already was. But Millie knew Jules wanted so much to have her own child and here she was contemplating putting a halt to her own pregnancy. The thought made the tears come again.
Jules reacted instantly. ‘Hey, I am coming to visit. In spite of your protestations, I think you need me, Millie.’
Millie inhaled and composed herself. ‘Honestly, I’ll be fine. Don’t come down, that’s an order.’ She forced a smile. ‘Anyway, things between Harry and me need sorting and I don’t mean to be rude, but I think that’s best without anyone else here. And just having spoken to you about it, has really helped.’ It was the truth, even if her mind was no clearer on what she would do.
Jules sighed. ‘I understand what you’re saying. I really do, but please don’t let him push you into something you’ll regret, sweetie. This isn’t an easy decision to make. And if you need to get away for a few days, the cottage in Mistford is free just now.’ The house Jules had shared with her first husband, the now deceased Laurie, had been turned into a holiday let, seeing as she couldn’t bear to part with it.
Millie frowned. ‘How come? This should be a really busy time of year for you.’
‘Yes, I know, but… The thing is… I think I’ve decided to sell it.’
Millie gasped. ‘Oh wow, Jules, that’s huge.’
Jules nodded. ‘I know. And I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner, but… I suppose saying it out loud makes it real and even though it’s the right thing to do, I think a part of me will always be tied up with the place.’
Relieved to have something else to talk about, Millie concentrated on her friend. ‘Are you sure about selling? What’s Reid said?’ Millie was very much aware that Reid knew how much the cottage and its link to Laurie meant to Jules, and she couldn’t imagine him pushing her into a decision to sell.
