He took a sip of his coffee, waiting for Holden to say something else.

  “I really hate the idea that I have to go back to work,” Holden said. “Face my parents, face the rest of my family, face every one of our coworkers. What are they going to say? Am I going to get sympathy cards? No one knows the protocol for when your friend is left at the altar, because it’s not a thing. It doesn’t happen.”

  Gabriel licked his lips. “I’m sorry.”

  “No, it’s okay,” Holden said. “It’s going to be okay. Gabriel, I think this is going to be really good for me.”

  “What is?”

  Holden shook his head. “You know,” he said. “Fucking up Sean’s life.”

  Gabriel swallowed. “Right.”

  “Thank you,” Holden said.

  Gabriel looked away from him. “Yeah,” he replied. “Don’t mention it.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  Holden hadn’t stopped eating since he had arrived at his parents’ house for dinner. They had said they wanted to talk and he was happy to humor them, but when he got there, he realized that they had meant that they wanted him to talk. As far as Holden was concerned, that was a totally different thing, and it was much harder, so he had spent his entire dinner with his mouth full.

  Holden’s parents had always been careful about teaching their children manners, so they knew that Holden wouldn’t talk if he had any food in his mouth. He was deliberate about his bites, so that they were small but it didn’t look like he was doing it just to stall the talk, though his parents had surely noticed it already.

  “Holden,” his mom said. “Are you okay?”

  Holden nodded.

  “Swallow your food,” she said. “Then answer me.”

  Holden did as he was told. He stabbed a couple of chickpeas with his fork and was about to stuff them in his mouth when he caught his mother’s gaze. Even though he was in his mid-twenties and he hadn’t lived at home for almost a decade at that point, he knew better than to challenge his mother when she had that look on her face.

  “I—I’m okay,” he said.

  “Your father and I called the police,” she said. “We really needed to hear from you.”

  Holden licked his lips, then wiped them with an excessive number of napkins. It took him way too long, much longer than it normally would have, but he wasn’t sure what he could say. He owed his parents more than a simple apology.

  “I know,” he said. “That’s why I posted on Facebook, so you guys wouldn’t worry about me.”

  “You could have called,” his father said.

  “I know,” Holden said. “I tried… but I couldn’t.”

  His father looked him and down, then sighed heavily. For the first time in his life, Holden noticed that he was getting old. His blond hair was thinning and getting grayer around his temple. His cheekbones and teeth protruded more than before and Holden wondered how much of that was his own doing.

  “Don’t do that again,” his father said. “I don’t care what happens, just… don’t do it again.”

  “Yes, sir,” Holden said, nodding and looking down at his plate. He had been selfish. The last time that one of their sons hadn’t gone home and hadn’t given them notice, he’d been found dead, and his parents had been worried sick. Holden had been so lost in how upset he was, in Sean, in the wedding, that he had never stopped to consider his mother or father. “I’m sorry.”

  His father nodded back at him, which Holden knew was the best that he could expect. Everyone’s nerves were frazzled and he couldn’t really hope for instant forgiveness.

  “We’re just glad you’re home now,” his mother said. Then his parents exchanged a look and Holden’s stomach tightened into a knot. That was the bad news look, the one that they always exchanged before they were about to tell Holden something that he didn’t want to hear.

  “I’m glad I’m home too,” Holden said. “Anyway, thank you for dinner, I should be getting home. I’m sure I have a lot of—”

  “Don’t get up,” his father said. “Your mother and I were talking, and we think that it might be better if you stay with us for a bit.”

  Holden blinked. He stabbed another chickpea, hard enough for the fork to make a sound as it scraped off the plate, and waited for the rest of the spiel.

  “We’re worried about you,” his father said. “You’re an adult, and you don’t have to do what we say, but we would really like to help you through this transitional period.”

  He looked at his mom. “Transitions are hard,” she said. She extended her arm and touched his hand gently. “We just don’t want you to be alone.”

  Holden suspected that this was more truthful than trying to help him through a transitional period. Their speech seemed rehearsed and Holden would have normally turned them down. Their offer was kind, if a little overbearing, but that was what his parents were like all the time. Holden wanted them to forgive him and he knew that the way he had handled things poorly. This would give them some piece of mind. Maybe they were right, maybe Holden shouldn’t be alone.

  “What about a week,” Holden said. “I think it’s important that I go back and deal with my real life soon, but while we’re still dealing with the fallout, I can stay here. Call some of our vendors, maybe you guys can get some deposits back. How does that sound?”

  They exchanged another look and then nodded.

  “I’ll go and get some things and spend tonight here,” he said. “I might bounce between here and Gabriel’s place, if that’s okay?”

  “That’s fine,” his mother said. “As long as you’re not alone.”

  “I won’t be,” Holden replied. “I promise.”

  ***

  “So now they’re grounding me,” Holden said, pacing back and forth in Gabriel’s living room. Gabriel watched him from the sofa, clearly trying to contain his amusement. Holden stopped in the middle of the living room and turned to look at him. He crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. “It’s not funny.”

  “It’s a little funny,” Gabriel said, biting his lower lip to stop himself from laughing.

  Holden glared at him, which made Gabriel clear his throat and look away from him, so that their gazes weren’t meeting when he spoke again. “I mean, you can’t blame your parents. They were worried sick about you.”

  “I know they were,” Holden said, exhaling heavily and hugging himself. He felt deflated. It didn’t matter how many times he explained to the people around him that he hadn’t meant to hurt them, the truth was that he had, and there was nothing that he could do about it. He had acted as rashly and immaturely as Sean had when he had walked on him.

  Holden sighed, walked over to the sofa, and sat down next to Gabriel. He slumped forward and put his head in his hands as he listened to Gabriel.

  “Your dad actually cut me a ton of slack at work because I was a wreck,” Gabriel said. “I mean, he was a wreck too, so people were tiptoeing around him. I don’t think the office has ever been as quiet this week as it has been the last couple of weeks.”

  Holden closed his eyes tightly. “I'm so sorry. Every time I remember what I did I feel like such a dick.”

  Gabriel shook his head, edging a little closer to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. “It's okay.”

  Holden looked at him, his eyes wide.

  “I wasn’t happy you did it,” Gabriel said. “But I get it.”

  Holden sighed deeply. “I was such an idiot.”

  “Well, I mean, don't do it again.”

  “I won’t,” Holden said, shaking his head. “At least I don’t think I will. I just—I panicked.”

  “I'm hoping you will have no reason to you, for what it’s worth,” Gabriel said and smiled at him.

  Gabriel’s eyes always shimmered when he smiled.

  They were a dark brown, almost black, and they hadn’t changed at all since Holden had met him.

  Gabriel had—he had grown taller, stronger, more good-looking. He had once been a dweeby kid with big glasses and a face that hadn’t quite grown into his features, but he had become one of the best-looking adults that Holden had ever met. It wasn’t just that Holden loved him, though surely that played some part in it. But Gabriel got compliments from strangers, people stopped him on the street to take his picture, and there were running gags in the office about Gabriel being an actor who only pretended to work at the office while he wasn’t working on the next big movie.

  Gabriel laughed every single one of the jokes off. He still saw himself as the same awkward, lanky kid that he had always been, and Holden couldn’t help but be startled whenever Gabriel said anything self-deprecating about himself or his appearance.

  “What?” Gabriel said.

  Holden shook his head, his eyebrows shooting up. “What?”

  “You were staring.”

  “Oh,” Holden said. “It’s nothing. I was just thinking about how awful I was and how much I worried you.”

  “Stop that,” Gabriel said. “I want you to be happy.”

  Holden blinked and sighed.

  “Seriously,” Gabriel said. He grabbed Holden’s hand and squeezed it, which instantly made Holden smile. Gabriel had only really started touching him since Sean had left. Holden didn’t normally like to be touched, but there was something about Gabriel’s skin on him. Maybe it was just his skin, or maybe it was the fact that it was Gabriel and not anyone else.

  “Thanks,” Holden said, smiling at him. “For everything you’ve done for me.”

  “I haven’t done anything for you, dude,” Gabriel replied, laughing. “I’ve just sat here and put up with you being a weirdo.”

  “That’s a favor if I’ve ever heard one,” Holden replied, laughing. “But no, you know what I mean. For trying to get Sean to do the right thing, for coming to get me even though you had every reason not to want to. For not telling me to fuck off when you easily could. When you probably should have, really.”

  “Are you joking?” Gabriel said. “No. I mean, I was angry, but only because I thought you knew that you could always come to me. Because you can.”

  “I know,” Holden said. “I wanted to want to come to you, too. Everything just felt like… like I was in my body but I wasn’t, like everything I did was outside my control, and I needed to remind myself that I still inhabited the space I’m in. And I know, that sounds really stupid—”

  “Doesn’t sound stupid—”

  “And I wish I could have told you, but I don’t know, talking was so hard,” he said. “You know what it’s like.”

  Gabriel nodded. Holden suspected that he didn’t actually know what it was like for him, but he had known him for long enough to have an understanding of it. Gabriel didn’t shut down when there was a crisis, he talked it through until he could fix it. Holden couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of Gabriel—of the way that he looked, the way that he behaved when things were going wrong. But he couldn’t help but feel infinitely grateful that Gabriel was there, either,even though he didn’t have to be.

  Holden leaned back on the sofa, closing his eyes. “I just hate that I have to live with them now,” he said. “Because that means my plan is going to take longer than I thought.”

  Gabriel cocked his head. “Right,” he said. “Your plan.”

  Holden shook his head. “Look, I know that you don't believe me, but I have a great revenge plan.”

  “It’s not that I don’t believe you,” Gabriel said.

  Holden stared at him, his eyes narrow. “So you do believe me.”

  Gabriel opened his mouth, then clamped his lips shut again. “I mean, I never didn’t believe you.”

  “Do you want to hear my plan?”

  Holden saw that Gabriel had started to chew the inside of his mouth, something that he only did when he was nervous. His gaze darted around the apartment.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I need to do something with my hands,” he said. “I’m feeling fidgety.”

  Gabriel looked down at his nails. They were magenta and glossy, clearly just painted. Gabriel caught Holden staring at him, so he turned around and cocked his head, his expression freezing.

  “Let me do your nails.”

  “What?”

  “Let me do your nails,” Holden said. “Look, I need something to do with my hands, and I’m not going to be able to listen to your revenge plan without occupying them. And I’m not taking my nail polish off, it looks amazing.”

  Holden laughed. “Are you going to dye my hair black, too?”

  Gabriel was still staring at him.

  Holden’s eyes widened. “I was joking.”

  “Hey, you want to step into the role of a femme fatale, you need a makeover,” he said. “That’s my trade-off.”

  “Really? A makeover?”

  “Or, you know, don’t,” Gabriel replied, winking at him. “But then your revenge isn’t going to be stylish at all. And if that’s what you’re going for, Holden, the wedding has really changed you.”

  “Fine,” Holden said, rolling his eyes, a smile on his face. “You can dye my hair black and paint my nails, if you want to.”

  “I want to,” Gabriel said, grinning at him. “Can I—”

  “No,” Holden replied. “You’re not going shopping for me. And I’m not taking your hand-me-downs.”

  Gabriel pouted. “You used to be fun.”

  Holden shook his head. “Well, now I’m a hardened shell of a person,” he said. “I used to be fun, but I don’t know the meaning of the word anymore.”

  “I believe it,” Gabriel said. “I get to pick the nail color, yes?”

  Holden rolled his eyes, laughing again. “Fine,” he said.

  “You’re the best,” Gabriel said, then he narrowed his eyes as he started to think. He stood up and walked toward the bathroom, where he kept all his make-up. Holden smiled as Gabriel disappeared into the bathroom.

  He heard Gabriel moving around in there, looking for the nail polish. This reminded Holden of the many other times he had waited for Gabriel to get something from the bathroom, waiting for him to pick whatever color he wanted. Holden would watch Gabriel paint his nails and do his make-up on the sofa as Holden was watching a movie, and then when Holden would complain that Gabriel wasn’t paying attention, Gabriel would regurgitate the plot to him with more understanding than Holden had himself.

  “You’re welcome,” Holden shouted out.

  When Gabriel got out of the bathroom, he was holding a plastic tub overflowing with nail polish, make-up, cotton pads and other things that Holden didn’t know the name of.

  Gabriel set the heavy plastic tub on the sofa between the two of them. “Okay,” he said as he started to look into the tub. “I was thinking dark red or maybe, I don’t know, a dark blue. That would go with your eyes.”

  “Dark red is a little dramatic.”

  “You want to get revenge on your fiancé after you were…” Gabriel stopped talking.

  Holden sighed. “It’s okay,” he said. “You can say it.”

  Gabriel waved his hand in front of his face. “I think if anything calls for a little drama, it’s this situation.”

  “This situation? You mean getting jilted at the altar?”

  “Well, I wasn’t going to put it like that,” Gabriel said as he started to reach into the tub. He looked at the nail polish in his hands and grinned as he read the bottle. “Red to die for. See? On brand.”

  “Gotcha,” Holden said, holding out his hand.

  Gabriel looked at his nails and tutted. “I’m going to have to file these,” he said. “Jesus, Holden, when was the last time you cut your nails?”

  Holden sighed, slumping slightly. “I don’t know,” he said. “I have to admit that I haven’t been looking after myself nearly as well as I should have been.”

  “I wonder why,” Gabriel said. “It’s okay. I enjoy doing this.”

  Holden watched him as Gabriel started to inspect his nails, but it didn’t feel like it was just his nails. He was turning over Holden’s fingertips and tracing his skin over them, grimacing.

  “Holden,” he said.

  “What?”

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m ignoring you?”

  “No, I mean,” Gabriel said, letting go of his hand. “What are you doing? Really?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Gabriel shook his head, taking in a deep breath. “You know exactly what I mean,” he said. “You’re picking at your skin. It’s a fucking mess.”

  Holden jerked his hand away from Gabriel, looking down at his lap. He didn’t want to hear Gabriel telling him that he should be looking after himself, it wasn’t as if he didn’t already know that. It didn’t make him feel any better about it that Gabriel was calling him out, either.

  “I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I just… I’ve been having a hard couple of weeks.”

  Gabriel scoffed. “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “It would have been easier if you’d let me be there.”

  Holden licked his lips, trying to swallow down the knot in his throat.

  Gabriel shook his head and extended his hand again. He grabbed Holden’s fingers and looked down at his nails again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just—I don’t like the idea that you were suffering without anyone around you.”

  “I don’t know if I was suffering,” Holden replied. “I was just processing things.”

  “Next time, try to process things a little less painfully,” Gabriel said. “Here, we’ll soak your hands before we start doing anything. Your skin is usually so soft.”

  Holden laughed quietly, throwing his head back. “How would you know that?”

  “I have touched you before,” Gabriel said. He scrunched up his nose as Holden laughed again.

  “What? What are you thinking about?”

  “How to do this,” he said. “I think we’ll have to do it in the bathroom.”

  Holden grinned. “I’ve never felt so romanced in my life.”

  Gabriel laughed and shook his head. “God, shut up,” he said. “Come on. You’re coming with me.”

  “Fine,” Holden said. He followed Gabriel to the bathroom, where he started to run the faucet after he had plugged the sink.

 

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