Fumbled Past, page 20
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Senior Year
Only a month left of school, and we will officially graduate! The time is going by so fast, but I’m ready. I’m ready to get out of this town and move from underneath my dad’s shadow.
The only problem is, I haven’t decided where I’m going to go to college yet.
Beau got a full ride scholarship to Cal Berkeley. I was surprised when he chose to go back to California, but when he told me that was where his dad went, I understood more. He’s asked me a few times to join him, but I don’t know how I feel about it.
When college applications were due, I applied there, just keeping my options open. I haven’t told him or my father that I got in. I love Beau, and I think I want to leave Tennessee, but moving to California almost feels like leaving the planet. I just don’t know if I can be that far away from my dad.
I also got into University of Tennessee, Ohio State, and Texas University. It wasn’t lost on Heather when she found out one of my options to go to college was the same college Aaron has a scholarship to, but my applying there had nothing to do with Aaron. All these schools have great drill teams, and though I couldn’t get a scholarship like the guys, I still plan on trying out for the team wherever I finally decide to attend.
I head out of my third-period class and run into Heather in the hallway.
“Have you made a decision yet?” she asks, and I shake my head. “Good. You’ll just stay here with me. There. Decision made.” She laughs as she wraps her arm around me.
She’s going to University of Tennessee, so of course she wants me to go there too.
“I wish it were that easy.”
“Well, what did you feel like when I said I made my mind up for you?”
I look at her in question.
“Did you feel even more dread, or did you feel like, Yeah, you’re right. Thank you for being so smart and helping me see the path I need to be on?” she states over dramatically with her hands held out wide, making me laugh.
“Definitely the first.”
She sighs. “Then, UT is not the place you truly want to go.” She stares off into space. “Even though you’ll miss me every day.”
I grab her arm. “That I will.”
She’s right too. When she said that’s what she chose for me, I instantly thought no in my head. So, though I still don’t know exactly where I want to go, I do know I can cross UT off my list.
“Come on.” She drags me through the hall. “Don’t let it get you down. You’ll figure it out.”
I let out a deep breath and make my way to my locker to get my stuff for my next class. After I close the locker, I turn to head to my next class but am stopped in my tracks when I see Aaron running toward me.
His leg is doing much better, and I know he’s been going to physical therapy, but I had no idea he was doing this well to be running through the halls the way he is.
“Aaron, look at you run!” I say with so much excitement.
His expression causes me to pause as he steadies himself. “You need to come to the gym.”
“Why?”
He starts to pull me toward the gym. “It’s your dad.”
Once I hear it’s about my dad, I don’t need him to pull me anymore. I run willingly, faster than him actually, pushing my way through people to get to where my dad is all day.
Aaron didn’t tell me what was going on, but he didn’t need to. The pure panic he expressed was enough to tell me it was serious.
“Dad,” I yell as I turn the corner into the boys’ locker room.
When I see him lying on the floor with Coach Pop doing chest compressions, I scream in fear as I drop to my knees by his side.
Tears flow down my face as I lean down to him. “Dad, I’m here. You’re going to be okay. Help is on the way.”
Paramedics race into the locker room, and Coach Pop grabs me and pulls me back so they can do their job.
I grasp on to his arms as he engulfs me in a hug. My face is soaked with tears flowing out of control.
I sit in absolute fear, watching these men rip my dad’s shirt open and shock him with the paddles to try to get his heart beating again.
“I got a pulse,” one says.
“Let’s get him in the ambulance,” the other one says.
They lift him up, and before I know it, everyone races out of the locker room and to the waiting ambulance.
“I need to go with them.” I pop up and follow them.
Coach Pop stops me. “I’ll drive. Let me get my keys.”
I completely forgot Aaron was here until he wraps his arm around me and guides me to the parking lot, not saying a word as we focus on getting to the hospital.
We drive to the hospital, but everything around me is a blur. I’m sitting in the front passenger seat, and I feel Aaron’s hand on my shoulder, but I can’t register about what’s going on. It’s almost like I’m outside of my body, watching from above the seconds tick by, but not actually living them.
Coach Pop screeches his tires as he enters the emergency area of the hospital. He and Aaron exit the car, but I’m glued to my seat, feeling like my entire body no longer works. Every muscle, every bone has turned completely useless, I’m surprised I’m still able to breathe.
Aaron opens my door. “Come on.” He leans in and grabs me, lifting me to my feet and keeping his arm around me as he walks us through the sliding glass doors to the emergency room.
I can’t think straight long enough to make sense of anything going on around me.
“We’re here for Coach Z. They just brought him in from the high school,” Coach Pop says to the nurse standing at the check-in table. “Please keep us posted as soon as you hear anything.”
He doesn’t need to say anything more about who my dad is. Her wide-eyed expression shows she knows exactly who he is, and she pushes back from her chair and rushes to the back room to hopefully get us any news she can get.
“Come, sit,” Aaron says as he motions for me to go to the waiting room.
I follow him blindly, feeling like understanding what a chair actually is and that I can sit on it is too much information for me to process right now.
I stare ahead of me, but don’t actually see anything. Aaron reaches over and grabs my hand, holding it tightly.
When I finally feel like I can blink, I turn toward him with so many questions, concerns, and fears that I don’t even know where to start.
“He’s going to be okay,” Aaron whispers like he’s convincing himself of the idea more than me.
I go back to staring off into space, realizing I can’t process any words to physically come out of my mouth.
Every second that ticks by feels like an eternity, yet I can’t bear the thought of moving.
I sit here helplessly, waiting for any news they can give me.
The double doors open, and when a nurse appears, my heart absolutely sinks. Instinctively, I squeeze Aaron’s hand, hoping it will make all this pain I’m feeling stop.
It doesn’t.
The nurse doesn’t announce anyone’s name and instead walks straight up to us. “Can I have you guys follow me to the back? The doctor wants to talk to you.”
My feet feel like a thousand pounds as we follow her through the double doors and to a room, where two chairs sit next to a counter with another chair sitting in front of it. In total, the room is five by five feet.
I glance around at our surroundings, wondering if this will be the place that I get the worst news of my life—this room that’s barely bigger than a closet.
“The doctor will be right in,” the nurse says as she exits the room.
Coach Pop and I take the seats while Aaron stands in the corner.
All of us stare at the ground, not saying a word until the doctor enters the room.
Knowing I’ll finally know what’s going on, I jump to my feet and ask, “Is he okay?”
When my eyes meet his, I don’t need to hear a word he says by just the way he looks at me.
“Oh God.” I fall into my seat.
“I’m afraid Coach Z had a massive heart attack. We tried everything we could, but there was nothing that could be done to save his life. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Aaron rushes to me, picking me up and putting me on his lap. I curl into his chest as uncontrollable tears flow down my face and the loudest sobs rip from my lips.
Coach Pop and the doctor continue to talk, but all I hear are mumbles and nothing that resembles actual words that my brain can process.
Aaron holds me in his arms as I realize my biggest fear has come true.
I’ve lost my father, the only man I’ve ever loved unconditionally, unquestionably, and with my entire being.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Senior Year
Once the doctor leaves, Coach Pop comes over to me, only to realize there’s no consoling possible.
“Let’s get her out of here,” he says.
Aaron picks me up and carries me out of the small room and back through the double doors to the emergency room.
“Sadie!” Beau yells, running up to us.
He grabs me from Aaron’s arms, and I switch to holding his neck instead of Aaron’s.
I try to inhale some breaths, but it’s useless. I’m shaking uncontrollably as a pain I’ve never felt so bad claws its way at my heart.
“Baby,” Beau says, “you need to breathe. You’re going to give yourself a panic attack. I got you. I’m here. Just breathe for me, baby.”
I hold on to his shirt that’s now soaking wet. “But …” I cry. “He’s gone!” I wail out, and he just holds me tighter.
“I know, baby.” His voice cracks making me cry harder.
“We need to get her out of the hospital,” Coach Pop says. “Is your mom home?”
I feel Beau shake his head.
“We can take her to my place,” Aaron says. “My mom can meet us there.”
I feel Beau lean closer to my ear. “Are you okay with that? Going back to Aaron’s?”
I breathe in a shaky breath, but my words don’t come out, so I nod as I grip Beau’s shirt more.
Without another word, Beau turns and carries me out of the hospital and to his truck.
“I’m coming with you,” Aaron says. “You need to focus on driving. I’ll be with her.”
Beau doesn’t hesitate as he says, “You can drive my truck.” He whispers in my ear, “I’m going to set you down so I can open the door, okay?”
I loosen my grip and allow him to set me down, though he doesn’t let go of me as he digs in his pocket and throws Aaron the keys to his truck.
We wait as Aaron rushes to the driver’s side of the truck and crawls in, leaning over to unlock our side of the truck.
Beau opens it, then helps me hop in to sit in between the two of them.
Once Beau is in, he shuts the door and instantly wraps his arm around me to bring me to his side. He holds me tight again as Aaron cranks the engine, and the beast of a truck comes to life with an angry roar that feels like my soul right now—mad at the universe and wanting to scream until it can’t anymore.
The ride home is a blur as I try not to think about everything that just happened and what this means for my life.
I’m an orphan.
The thought makes me sick to my stomach, and I sit up, screaming, “Pull over.”
Aaron’s quick to stop the truck, and Beau opens the door just in time for me to climb over his lap and throw up all over the ground.
“It’s okay.” Beau rubs my back, and I lose it.
“It’s not okay!” I scream as I hop out of the truck completely and they follow me. “My dad died today! My only parent. I have no one.” I pause, and when I see the look on both Beau’s and Aaron’s faces as they stand next to each other, I can’t take it anymore, so I turn away from them and scream, “Why, God? Why? Why did you take both my parents? Why would you leave me alone like this?”
My throat hurts from screaming so loudly, and when I fall to my knees, sobbing, Aaron and Beau rush to my side, trying to console someone who is shattered in so many pieces that the thought of ever being able to be put back together again is absolutely hopeless.
By nightfall, I’ve been able to calm down enough to function at least, which is an improvement compared to what I was earlier.
They brought me back to Aaron’s house, and Beau hasn’t left my side this entire time.
Debbie made us all dinner, but the thought of food isn’t sitting well with me.
“You have to eat something,” Beau says as he rubs my leg.
I close my eyes and inhale, knowing he’s right, but the sound of food right now makes me want to throw up again.
I pick up the buttered roll she put on my plate and nibble at the side of it, not wanting to take a big bite and testing how it makes me feel.
Once I realize I am able to swallow it, I take a slightly bigger bite and lay my head on Beau’s shoulder as I chew what’s in my mouth with my eyes closed.
When I feel Debbie’s hand over mine, rubbing it softly, I open my eyes and look to her, keeping my head down on Beau.
“Sweetie, I want you to know you can come stay with us if you want.”
I fight back the tears welling in my eyes and nod. “Thank you,” I barely make out.
Thankfully, she heard me and nods.
I glance at Aaron, whose expression is stoic as he stares at his plate in front of him, moving around the food like he’s too emotional to eat too.
I pick my head up and look at Beau, who just gives me a kiss on the forehead before sitting back in his chair with a sigh.
Once dinner is over, Debbie takes me to the spare bedroom they have, which has been used mainly for storage for years but it will now be my bedroom.
“Boys, why don’t you head over to their house and bring her bed over?” She wraps her arm around me and brings me into her side. “There’s nothing more comforting than your own bed.”
Aaron and Beau take off, and I help her move things around to make room for it.
“There’s no rush, but eventually, we’ll get all your stuff over here and make this your room fully.”
“Thank you,” I respond as I put a box of Christmas decorations in the hallway.
Our houses are the exact same layout, just flipped, so it’s weird that the spare room here is my bedroom at my house, and I can set up everything exactly the same here.
The guys get my bed moved and set up along with my nightstand so I can have my clock and a place to set something to drink in the middle of the night if I need it.
Debbie goes and gets some of my clothes, as I’m not ready to go into the house yet and she doesn’t want the boys to go through my personal stuff.
Once Beau leaves, Debbie suggests I take a hot shower. The idea doesn’t sound terrible, but as I stand here with the water pounding down on me, I quickly realize that I don’t want to be alone right now.
That’s when reality hits me again, and I realize just how truly alone I am now with no one to call family. I drop to my knees and cry as the water washes over me like a warm blanket only with holes that have been cut out by the pain I’m in, never to keep me fully protected again.
CHAPTER FORTY
Senior Year
The last two months have been an absolute blur. Thankfully, my dad did have a will, and it stated that I was to live with Debbie, so the courts didn’t fuss when they realized a minor was now an orphan.
Seeing the For Sale sign go up at my childhood home was painful, but not as painful as it was to clean out the place.
Heather and Megan have been by my side the entire time—yes, I’m so happy that my and Megan’s friendship has finally fully mended, just sucks that it took something like losing my father to get us there.
We walked down memory lane as we looked at old photo albums my mom had put together before she passed.
Now, I’m sitting at Aaron’s home—my home too, I guess—staring out the window as people rummage through what’s left of our stuff in the estate sale the real estate agent set up. Every single piece that walks out our door, I can tie a memory to it, and here I sit, watching people nickel-and-dime to try to get the best deal they can on it all.
“Sweetie, you shouldn’t be watching like this,” Debbie says as she rubs my back.
I turn and sit on the couch like any normal person would and sigh. “I know. It’s like a bad movie. I can’t help but watch it all play out.”
She sits next to me. “I know. Why don’t you guys go out? Go to the lake or something.”
Aaron comes walking around the corner just then, and Debbie gestures to him.
“What do you think? You two should go hang out at the lake like you used to.”
Aaron looks at me questioningly with a raise of his shoulders. “I’m down. Want to go?”
I let out a breath and nod. “You’re right. Watching this is a slow kind of torture. Let’s go.”
I stand and head to my bedroom to get ready. Day by day, I’m learning I need to get on with my life. My dad wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. He was a pull up your bootstraps and move on kind of guy, and I use that strength he gave me every day to keep moving forward.
After I’m changed and we pack a lunch, we head out to the lake, just the two of us, like we used to before all the drama happened and we were simply friends.
The place is empty, and I try my hardest not to remember it’s all because I lost my dad. Pushing it out of my mind, I try to focus on the sun beating down on my skin, feeling the soothing comfort it brings.
We lay out the towels we brought and pull out the sandwiches I made.
“Man, it’s been way too long since I’ve had one of your amazing sandwiches,” Aaron says as he takes a bite.
I’m brought back to the days when my dad would make Aaron come with me to the lake or when I would bribe him with a sandwich.
