16 & Pregnant, page 9
They know. Blaise is telling everyone that E is pregnant.
E slows down her moves to chug her water. Darrion starts to notice all the whispers too. He slows down his moves, giving me a what’s going on look.
“What’s wrong, Kelz?” E looks around the room, wondering why nobody is dancing.
The DJ lowers the music, like he’s in on the secret too. I damn near want to go up to the booth and slap his ass, but that would probably just validate what everyone already knows.
“I thought drinking was off-limits when you’re pregnant,” I hear someone say.
“E, we should go,” I whisper to her.
“What? We just got here. And this might be the last party I ever go to for a minute.”
I feel a headache coming on. Ray joins us, with a look on his face that’s giving, we need to talk.
Fuck.
He’s probably wondering why I didn’t tell him first. But how do I explain to someone I promised to never keep any secrets from that I promised my best friend I wouldn’t tell hers? The room feels like it’s getting smaller. I feel like MJ and his girl when they were surrounded by those zombies in the “Thriller” video. KO’s voice brings me back to reality.
“E, why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant? You could have trusted me.” KO holds both of E’s hands with a devastated look.
E looks at me, pale-faced, then back at KO as if she’s at a loss for words.
“What? I’m not pregnant.” E sounds so convincing, she almost makes me believe her too.
“Damn, she triflin’ as hell, partying like she aint bout to be somebody momma any day now. It’s giving irresponsible,” a voice says behind us.
A bunch of cackles burst out.
It’s definitely time to get the hell outta here.
“Wonder who’s the BD?” I hear another voice say.
“Babe, you wanna tell me what the hell is going on?” Ray leans over, trying to maintain a whisper.
“Ray, we gotta go.” My voice trembles.
I clench E’s hand and zip through the crowd, tuning everything out.
We got to get the hell out of here.
And we almost make it out, but E pauses right before we bust through the double doors. Her phone is chiming like crazy. People are staring at us, still talking shit, but I don’t pay them any mind. I watch her sift through the wide pocket on the side of her jacket for her phone. She taps on the screen, and her eyes immediately begin to water. She tosses her phone at me, then runs out the doors.
There’s a bunch of texts from Ms. Monica, but only one stands out: Erykah, I can’t believe this whole time you’ve been lying to me.
This is all bad. I don’t want to be the one to tell her I told you so, but E keeping this a secret was bound to cause more harm than good. People in the Heights gossip like old church ladies, and I already know her mom is not taking this easy. I push through the double doors and through a crowd of kids. E is kneeling near Ray’s car, bawling with her arms locked tight. I jog to her, lifting her up, telling her that it’s all going to be okay, even though I know it’s not.
CHAPTER TWELVE Erykah
15 Weeks
Right now, I’m trying to think of how I’m gone survive when I walk through that door to face Momma. Kelly is turned around in her seat with her chin pinned to the edge of it. I brace myself as Ray speeds through the streets like we just hit a lick. Marsaun stayed at the party with some friends, so it’s just us three, riding in silence. The cool air from the sunroof of his car hits my face as I stare into the navy sky. There aint a star in sight. Rare, since there’s no clouds, but it kinda makes sense being that this aint no average night.
I can tell Ray’s not too happy with Kelly, but he’s still cool toward me. He held the door open for me while I slid in the back seat, his eyes droopy like someone just set his favorite pair of Js on fire. I feel like I’m causing more problems than I should. The last thing I want is for my best friend’s relationship to be fucked up because I asked her to keep a secret. A secret that I never meant to hurt so many people. I just needed more time. And by then, I was hoping Momma’d be less likely to freak out, maybe even happy about the whole thing.
“I can’t believe that bitch Blaise just telling your business to everyone. I feel like going back and handling her,” Kelly seethes.
“For what? That aint gone solve nothing. People was bound to find out eventually,” I mumble.
If I weren’t pregnant, I’d handle Blaise myself. I don’t need anyone defending me, but for some reason, I’m not even focused on what Blaise just did. I’m more focused on what’s gonna happen when I’m confronted by Momma and if I’ll have a roof over my head after tonight.
“Let me go inside with you. That way you don’t have to face Ms. Monica alone,” Kelly says.
I stare out the window, stomach turning the closer we get to my place. Ray starts a playlist from his phone. There’s a soft beat bumpin’ from the car’s speakers of a neo-soul R & B song. I can barely hear the words against Ray’s engine, but it’s like they’re fighting to be heard. “Thank you for hearing me, always believed in me. Never let me fall even when I wanted to let go.” It makes me think of Momma and all the times she’s lifted me up, even when she was at her lowest point. I hate to admit, but Kelly was right. I should’ve kept it real with Momma. Should’ve known that me lying was just gonna make things worse.
“Or I can just be there for moral support. I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.” Kelly’s voice snaps me back into reality.
“It’s alright. Momma’s probably just gone tell you to leave anyways.” I shrug.
“I still don’t understand how she found out that fast,” Kelly whispers to herself. “Maybe she still doesn’t know. Maybe somebody just told her they saw us at the party?”
I look at her with my chin deep into my chest. And maybe Momma is just ecstatic that I’m still having a baby and wants to shower me with gifts and a comfy-ass bed to sleep in from now on. That’s what I wanna say, but I know Kelly is only trying to help. It’s possible that Momma doesn’t know, but it’s also very much possible that she does.
I’m pretty sure somebody at the party made a post or something and Momma was tagged in it. Either way, she knows something, and I’ll be lucky if it’s just about me being at Big TJ’s party.
“Just let her go off and don’t be too defensive. Sometimes when my mom gets all mad at me for things, I just let her go off and eventually she calms down,” Kelly suggests.
Yeah, I’m sure Mrs. Lancaster does, but we’re talking about Monica Smith. Her temp gets higher than Vegas’s in July when she’s mad, and she hates to be lied to. Kelly should know that as many times she’s seen my momma go off.
“I mean, if you just tell her that you couldn’t go through with it, she has to understand, E. She might be mad for a minute, but she can’t stay mad forever.”
“Yeah, but it’s more than that, Kelly. I lied to her about hella shit, not just faking an abortion.”
Up until yesterday, Momma thought:
I got the abortion almost a month ago.
I stopped talking to Miguel.
I was finally starting to be the daughter she’s fought so hard to raise right.
I put my head down and send Miguel a text, while Kelly continues to think of ways I can win Momma over.
Me: Momma knows
A minute later, three dots appear, disappear, appear, then disappear.
Ray parks with his headlights shining like the police against the front windows of the apartment.
“You sure you don’t want me to go in with you, E?” Kelly pleads. “Ray can come in too, and then she for sure can’t turn up.” Kelly looks over at Ray.
“Girl, you must not know my momma.” I lift my head.
His eyes buck at Kelly like he rather not be involved. He turns to me with a forced smile.
“I don’t mind having your back, E. Not sure if that will make it better or worse, but if you need us to—”
I stop him there. I’m not dragging nobody else into this. If anybody should be here with me, it should be Miguel, but I see that I can’t depend on him anymore.
“Nah, I really need to do this by myself,” I sigh. “But thank yall.”
My phone rattles, along with my heart. It’s probably Momma threatening to come drag me out the car if I don’t hurry up.
Miguel: Knows what?
Damn, he can be so clueless. Maybe if he was around more, he’d know.
Me: Someone told her I’m preg still. Everyone knows…
I don’t wait for a reply, because who knows when that’ll happen. Kelly reaches her arms out for a hug. She squeezes me like I’m about to get on a plane and never return. Actually, that’s exactly what I feel like doing right now, but what will that even solve? I let the door close on its own as I drag my feet across the damp grass that leads to my apartment building. Ray and Kelly wait for me to wave before driving off. I already know what I’m about to face on the other side of the door, and even though I told Kelly I can handle it, I’m starting to feel like I can’t. My pocket vibrates.
Momma: U better be in that house when I get back.
Where the hell is she at?
Just like my momma to rush me home, only to make me wait. I was hoping it was Miguel to say he’s on his way, but he aint said shit else. I slide my key in the lock and turn the knob halfway, before feeling the instinct to just run. But to where? With who? I should’ve just listened to Nurse Jill and told Momma the truth in the beginning. I should’ve listened to Kelly. I should’ve known better than to keep this from Momma. I really thought I could fool everyone, when all the while, I’ve just been fooling myself.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN Erykah
15 Weeks
I’ve only been scared two times in my life. Well, maybe three.
When Daddy left us.
When I found out that I was pregnant.
And…
Right now.
After I change out of that tight-ass dress, I curl up on the couch in my oversized East Prep Spirit Day T-shirt and await my fate. I can’t stop thinking about how stupid it was for me not to tell Momma sooner, but she would’ve kicked me out, and where was I gonna go? I’m sure Miguel’s sister wouldn’t have minded, but that house is already crowded as hell, and Lita’s housing projects are always on the news. They call them the BGs, aka the baby ghettos, for a reason.
I’m about to get my head chopped off, and all I can think about is eating. I’m convinced that this baby’s mission is to get me fat. Right now, I’m craving something salty and sweet. I scan every cabinet for something to snack on, but nothing is appealing. There’s a rolled-up bag of stale tortilla chips and a box of generic Fruity O’s on the top of the fridge. Guess that’ll be my salty-and-sweet treat. I look inside the fridge to check the expiration date on the milk. It shoulda been thrown out a week ago, but I take my chances. I’m probably gonna throw all this up anyways, so might as well enjoy it while I can.
I flick the TV on, since it’s so damn quiet in here. Silence makes fear ten times worse. Reminds me of how I feel when I’m watching a scary movie. Seems like the scariest shit always pops off right when it gets nice and quiet. There’s a message scrolling across the bottom of the screen that says the cable bill is five days past due. I wish Momma would just let me help out. When I was braiding hair in the neighborhood, I was bringing in bank. Not enough to pay all of Momma’s bills, but enough to keep the cable on at least. The longer Momma takes to get home, the more my insides tighten. I can’t even sit still, I’m so damn nervous.
As I finish the last of my soggy cereal, I surf through the channels and pause when I see a headline flashing across the screen.
“Good evening. I’m Leslie O’Neal and thank you for joining us for the ten o’clock news. We come to you now with a breaking story. Bryant Hall is live at the scene of a shoot-out that took place between MLK and Lake Mead Boulevard, on Englestead Lane.”
Yo, that’s where Big TJ’s party was.
The scene changes to a Black newscaster, who is peering into the camera and firmly gripping a microphone.
“Thank you, Leslie.” He hesitates, plugging his ear with one finger like he’s getting some important info. “I’m here in front of 702 Englestead Lane, where a violent shooting has taken place. As you can see, the area has been taped off and investigators are still on the scene.”
There’s yellow tape and hella police cars everywhere.
“What was supposed to be a festive gathering ended up in a violent shooting between two rival gangs,” Bryant continues.
The camera pans around, showing a clip of kids running left and right, speeding off in their cars and on foot. Damn, this must’ve happened right after we left.
“Police say that fortunately, no one was injured, but a few vehicles did get hit. The suspects are still on the loose. Authorities are asking that anyone who has information call the crime hotline. All reports will remain anonymous. Back to you, Leslie.”
The crime hotline number flashes across the screen. For a minute, I start thinking about how Kelly, Ray, or myself could’ve been shot. A chill runs down my spine as I bundle into the thin blanket beside me. I hear the door click, and I instantly shoot up. Momma is struggling to get through the door with a shitload of grocery bags. She kicks the door shut with the bottom of her foot and places the bags down, panting. I’m tempted to ask her how the hell she was able to afford all of this food, but by the mean mug on her face, I don’t even breathe it.
“Let me help you,” I say, scurrying toward her.
She puts her hand up, like a crossing guard.
“Uh-uh. You, go sit your ass over there.” She nods toward the kitchen table.
I feel a lump in my throat. She aint playin’ no games. Instead of trying to fight her, I just comply. I start to ask her where Jayden is, but I remember he’s spending the night with his friend Corey in the next building. Momma carries a few grocery bags over and drops them on the counter. She begins to stuff the cabinets with generic boxes of mac ’n’ cheese and cans of ravioli.
“I should’ve known better than to have believed you was gone tell the truth.” She slams a cabinet door.
“I wasn’t trying to—” I start.
Momma turns to me, giving me a look that makes me slide down into my seat. After filling the shelves and stuffing the freezer with packs of meat, she pulls out the chair that’s across from me and sits with her hands folded, silent for a minute.
“You thought I wasn’t gone find out, huh?” She cocks her head to the side.
I don’t know what to say first.
I’m sorry?
I just needed more time?
I was scared out of my mind that you wouldn’t understand?
I sit with my ankles crossed, speechless.
“Erykah!” Momma slaps her hand on the table.
I snap out of my trance, staring back at her. Looking at her is like looking at myself, because the tears rolling down her cheeks match mine. The shakiness in her voice sounds just like how I would sound. She presses a fist to her lips as she fights to keep words in, probably some she’d regret.
“I’m sorry, okay? But you didn’t really give me much of a choice!” I say.
Momma scoots back, like she’s been blown away. I don’t apologize this time. I look at her trembling lips. She slowly lowers her hands, laying them flat on the table.
“Little girl, have you lost your mind talking to me like you payin’ some bills up in here? I bust my ass to make sure you and your brother have a somewhat decent life and you repay me by sneaking and sliding behind my back? And then wanna talk smart?”
“If I woulda told you the truth, you was just gone kick me out.” I look up at her.
“Kick you out?” Momma winces at me. “Erykah, stop playing with me. Is that what you going round here telling everybody?”
“You literally said that with your own mouth,” I snap back.
“Little girl, that’s strike two.” She holds up two fingers. “I don’t care if I told you that I was gonna send you to the moon, aint no excuse for you to be lying to me,” she says in between claps.
I think twice before clapping back. Momma’s never been this angry before, and even though she’s never physically put her hands on me, I’m not about to find out what strike three looks like.
“I… was gonna tell you,” I stutter.
“Oh, you was?” She folds her arms, leaning back. “Erykah, do you know how hard it is to be a single mom, raising two kids alone, in a fucked-up neighborhood, making pennies on the hour?” She counts each obstacle on her fingers. “It never gets easy, but I do all I can so you and Jayden can do better than me. Last thing I need is to be—”
“I was going tell you soon, okay? I was gonna tell you.” I start to choke on my words. I feel like all the air around me is being sucked out of nowhere. “I just needed more time.… I just couldn’t kill my baby. I couldn’t do what you and everybody else wanted me to do!”
I can’t control the tears or the heavy breaths or the anxiety that’s making my heart beat like a drum. Momma sits across from me with a puzzled look on her face.
“Erykah, what are you saying? I was talking about you going to that party behind my back,” she says slowly.
My body freezes. She doesn’t even know. This whole time I thought word got back to her that I’m still pregnant and she doesn’t even know shit.
“You’re still pregnant?” She looks at me like she can’t comprehend what she just said.
I nod uncontrollably, bawling.
“I… swear I was gonna tell you. Please, don’t kick me out. I need you, Momma,” I cry.
It’s dead silent again.
