16 & Pregnant, page 15
“It’s okay. I’m always here for you.” I pause. “I know I’ve been distant lately, but I promise I’m gonna try to be better.”
“Thanks, Kelz.” She reaches across the seat and hugs me. Tears fill my eyes, and when she breaks the hug, I can see that her eyes are wet too.
“Oh my God, why am I always so emotional?” she says with a laugh.
I give E a faint smile. Lately, I’ve been asking myself the same thing.
“Text me if you need anything, E, and tell Ms. Monica and Jayden I said hi.”
“I will.”
I wave at E as she makes her way inside of her place. I would give anything to just have her by my side right now, but I feel like I need to do this on my own.
My hands are shaking as I reach for the test.
Deep breaths.
It’s gonna be okay.
You’re not pregnant. There’s no way.
I slowly pull the test from my purse. My vision is blurry from the tears that are filling my eyes, but the result is standing out as if it’s in neon letters.
Positive.
I stare at the two lines in the tiny clear window, blinking my tears away, but nothing changes.
My test is positive.
As soon as I get home, I rush to my room and lock the door behind me. A vibration from my purse startles me. It’s Ray, asking if I want to go to some kickback this weekend. My heart feels like it’s going to explode in my chest and my stomach is turning like a wheel right now. This can’t be real. This has to be a mistake. I’m shaking so hard, the phone slips out of my hand and clanks against the floor. I hear footsteps coming toward my door, but I’m too shocked to move.
“Baby girl, you okay in there? I put your sandwich on the stove.” Dad’s so loud, it sounds like he’s in the room with me.
“I’m fine. Just dropped my phone. Be out in a sec,” I stutter.
“Okay, honey. I’m going to watch some TV.” I listen as his heavy steps grow more faint. Then I hear his door close.
I start to text E, but what am I gonna say? I can’t tell her like this, so I shove the phone in my pocket and pace around for a little bit.
I try to calm myself down. Think, Kelly. What is your next move? I pull my phone back out and do a search: Abortion clinics near me. Tiny red dots with stethoscopes appear all over a map of Las Vegas. I know a bunch of them are “crisis pregnancy centers” just waiting to get me in so that they can try to convince me not to have an abortion by telling me a bunch of lies. I know what they’re up to; I wasn’t born yesterday. I notice one in central Las Vegas, the one I’m pretty sure E told me she went to. There’s no way I can call and ask her the name of that place, so I just take my chances, hoping someone will pick up.
I quickly dial while trying to hold back tears. It seems like the phone rings forever before someone finally answers. I understand why they’re so busy, since some people can no longer get abortions in their state.
“Good evening, Compassionate Care Medical Office. How can I help you?”
My throat closes up. I almost hang up, but I can’t.
“Hello?” the woman says.
“Yes, uhh, I’ve just found out that I’m pregnant and… I’d like to schedule an abortion.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE Kelly
My appointment at the abortion clinic is three weeks from today. Thankfully, I can wait that long. I know exactly when my last period was, as well as the times Ray and I had sex, so I know I’m still in the window for getting an abortion. Still, I called other places to see if I could get in sooner, but with all the abortion bans and restrictions across the nation, women have been coming to Vegas to schedule their procedures, which is making most places not have availability for hella weeks. The receptionist said they’d contact me if there’s any cancellations, but her skepticism over the phone didn’t give me much hope.
I haven’t told E about my pregnancy, but I can’t keep it a secret anymore. I’ve thought about telling Ray. I think he’d support my decision, but what if he didn’t? What if he wanted me to keep the baby? No, it’s better if he doesn’t know. He can tell something’s up, and I’ve just been telling him that it’s the stress of homework and basketball. I hate lying to him, but what choice do I have? I’ve also thought about telling my parents. I’ve seen the way my mom is with E, all kind and gentle and supportive. But I have no idea how she’d feel about her daughter being pregnant and having an abortion.
I feel so isolated not being able to talk to anyone, and three more weeks seems like a long time. To keep sane, I’ve been spending more time with E, helping her with her schoolwork and keeping her up to date with the latest tea that’s been going on at East Prep. I miss having her around at school. I miss us hanging out with our friends. I miss the life we both once had. And I need to talk to my bestie about what I’m going through.
“Thanks for hangin’ with me today,” E says, bringing me out of my thoughts. “I know you’d rather be with Ray and them at the skating rink.” E shakes some ice chips into her mouth. I munch on my ice chips too.
“It’s cool. I’m not really into roller skating no way, and I heard Blaise is going to be there.” I stick out my tongue. “I still can’t believe she tried to give you that sorry-ass apology.”
“Trick shoulda known I wasn’t gone fall for that,” she says, crunching more ice.
“Right?”
“It’s good that you and Ray give each other space. I think it’s good for couples to not be glued to each other all the time,” she says while flipping through the top ten movies on Netflix.
I don’t know if Ray feels that way. Lately, I’ve been giving him so much space, it’s like we’re not even together. He was really bummed about me not going out with him today, but he knows that E needs me, and for now, using that excuse gets me by. E selects the latest season of Stranger Things, which I’ve already binge-watched with Ray, but I don’t tell her that.
“E?”
“Huh?” She keeps her eyes glued to the TV.
I turn to her with my legs folded like a pretzel.
Just tell her, Kelly.
She’s your best friend.
She’s not gonna judge you.
Damn. This is harder than I thought. Now I understand why E had a hard time being open with everyone when she first found out.
I lock my fingers together, heart beating so loud, I swear it’s overpowering the TV.
“Are you okay?” E’s words are in slow motion, or at least it seems that way.
I swallow the thick lump in my throat that’s blocking the words I’ve been trying to build the courage to say.
E arches her eyebrow.
“Kelly?” E pauses the show, turning to me with the remote in her hand.
I open my mouth to speak, but it’s so dry I can barely get the words to come out.
“You got any more ice?” I squint.
E gives me an odd look, like she knows that’s not what I wanted to say, but she just goes along with it.
“Yeah, there’s more ice.” She slowly rises from the couch while balancing herself. “Let’s go to the kitchen. I need to find something to eat anyways.”
I follow behind her, invisibly kicking myself in the ass because why didn’t I just tell her?
“Gimme your cup.” She turns to me before opening the freezer door, letting the cold air soothe our faces a little before scooping ice into my cup.
“Thank you, ma’am.” I smile while pulling out a seat at the kitchen table.
“Since when did you become an ice fanatic? You anemic?” She laughs.
I feel like there’s a frog in my throat. E knows I’m not anemic, and she knows that me eating just as much ice as her is strange, but I just play it cool.
“Nope, just craving it, I guess.”
“Craving it,” she repeats with a nod, then turns back toward the fridge as she scans the inside. “Damn, there’s barely anything good to eat.” She rubs her belly; it’s so big it’s blocking my view of the inside of the fridge. She pulls out a bag of lettuce, some ranch dressing, leftover baked chicken, white bread, bologna, and a block of cheese.
All of it looks gross to me. I don’t know what she plans on making with all of those ingredients. I don’t want nothing slimy or anything that I have to put between bread. For some reason, bread has been giving me mad indigestion, and sometimes it just feels like it’s stuck in my throat. I wish I could share this feeling with E. Maybe she could give me some tips, since she’s more of the expert, but that doesn’t strike me as the best way to let her know the news.
“A spicy chicken sandwich from McDonald’s sounds so bomb right now,” I say.
“Ooh, with some cheese and barbecue sauce, yessss! But you know I can’t. Momma’s been on my ass about not eating any fast food,” she says with a pout.
“Hey, E, there’s something—”
Jayden almost knocks me out of my chair as he zooms into the kitchen.
“Erykah, I’m hungry,” he whines. “Fix me a grilled cheese sandwich.”
“Umm, I’m a need for you to add ‘please’ to that, dude.” E reaches for the cheese, mayo, and bread.
“Please can you fix me a grilled cheese?” he mumbles.
“Jayden, be nice. You should never piss off the person who’s making your food,” I say with a grin.
He gives me a toothless smile. Jayden’s front teeth still haven’t grown back in. I’ve been teasing him, telling him that if he doesn’t use his manners, they’ll never grow back. E says I shouldn’t tell him stories, but hey, it helps him to not be so bratty.
“Kelz, you want a sandwich?”
“Nah.” I frown.
“Oh, okay, guess you too good for some hood food. You can gone and get your little McDonald’s.” She waves her fingers.
Jayden’s eyes get wide.
“I want some McDonald’s.” Jayden turns to me.
“Boy, no, we got food here,” E snaps.
Damn, she’s already sounding like somebody’s momma.
“You know what? I’ll take a grilled cheese,” I say. Maybe since the bread will be toasty, it won’t be so hard to digest.
“Me too!” Jayden yells.
“Okay, okay. I got yall,” E says with a spatula in her hand.
She pulls a tub of butter from the fridge and slathers a large pan with some, then adds a chunk of mayonnaise to a few slices of bread. She carefully places thick yellow slices of cheese on the bread. The sandwiches sizzle in the frying pan, making my stomach growl. E makes a little salad for herself and heats up some chicken in the microwave. We all sit at the table because Ms. Monica don’t play about eating in her living room, and even though she’s not here, we still know better. Jayden scarfs down his sandwich, then turns to E, while scratching the top of his head.
“Momma said you gonna braid my hair.”
“After you clean your plate and wash your hands, go get the comb, grease, and brush so I can hook you up,” she says.
Jayden rinses his plate and rushes out of the kitchen. I try to finish my sandwich, but I can feel the bread sitting in my esophagus. I pick around at the crust while E cleans the chicken bones on her plate. I can feel a wave of nausea building up as I pray for this food to stay down. I push my plate away, clenching my stomach.
“You okay?” E asks in between chews. “I put too much butter, huh?”
I push my plate away. “E, I’m about to tell you something, but you gotta promise me that you won’t tell a soul.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO Kelly
How do I tell my best friend the truth about why I really came here in the first place? How do I tell her that all this time I’ve been riding her about keeping it real, but my ass can’t even do the same?
“OMG!” Erykah covers her mouth with both hands. “Did you and Ray break up? That’s why you’ve been over here so much?”
“Does that mean that Ray won’t come over no more in that cool car?” Jayden says, returning with the hair supplies.
E shushes him, then turns back to me.
I ball my hand into a fist, swaying my thumb over my knuckles, trying to keep calm. Trying to keep my leg from shaking. Tears start to fill my eyes.
“Me and Ray didn’t break up,” I say, my voice cracking.
“Well then, what’s wrong?” E pushes her plate to the side and scoots closer.
What’s wrong is that I’m about to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and I don’t know how to tell the people I love. I wish this wasn’t so hard to confess, but it’s harder than I expected. Even though E gets me, I’m scared she won’t understand why I don’t want to have a baby.
“I rather not tell you in front of Jay,” I say.
The pieces of my sandwich are slowly creeping back up my throat. I look between her and Jayden, but I can’t hold it in anymore. I rush to the kitchen sink and cough up soggy bread and bits of cheese.
“Is Kelly sick like you?” I hear Jayden ask E.
“Go wait for us in the living room, K?” she whispers.
“Can I watch Manga Madness while I wait?” Jayden pleads.
“Manga what?” she asks.
“It’s a new anime cartoon,” I say as I clean the sink.
Manga and anime have been my thing since middle school. That’s another thing that made me instantly fall in love with Ray. Sometimes we just binge-watch episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender on weekends. I even went through my emo phase with him in eighth grade. E could never get into it herself, but she never judged me for it. She never judges me for anything, yet all the while I’ve been judging her, believing that pregnancy only happens to people who are irresponsible or who aren’t at the top of their class. I actually believed that it would never happen to me, yet here I am, staring at my best friend, which is just like staring in the mirror. Once again, I feel like shit, but I don’t want to make this seem like it’s the Kelly show. Jayden leaves us in the kitchen. I pour myself a cup of water before heading back to the table.
E is trying to figure me out. She looks at me like the people on that Wheel of Fortune game who are trying to solve the last piece of the puzzle. When I was a kid, my granny used to make me watch it with her on the days she babysat. That and like every episode of The Young and the Restless.
My foot is tapping like crazy under the table as I try to find the right words to say.
“Yo, what’s going on?” She reaches for my hands.
I close my eyes.
Breathe.
Then let it out.
“E, I’m pregnant.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE Erykah
Whoa.
Did I just hear her correctly? I think Kelly just said that she’s pregnant. No, that’s not what she just said. Yo, I’m hearing things.
“You’re what?”
“I’m… pregnant. I took a test last week.” Kelly lowers her head. “And I need you to go somewhere with me.”
Okay, I definitely heard her right, but I still can’t believe what she just said. I try to process it all. Maybe Kelly is trying to pull one on me, but she hasn’t cracked a smile. She just sits there, trembling a little, biting her lip. She slips her hand from mine and folds hers together instead.
“C’mon. Let’s go to my room so we can talk in private.”
Jayden doesn’t pay us any mind as we walk past him into my room. I carefully close the door, then flop on my flimsy mattress. Kelly just stands near my dresser, hugging herself. I have so many questions going through my mind right now. I’m still having trouble believing her, but I don’t think Kelly would play around with something like this.
“I thought you were on the pill?” I ask.
“I am. And I’ve been using the fertility tracker app. I really don’t understand how I got pregnant. I was so good about tracking everything. At least, I thought I was.”
Kelly is not stupid. Far from it, but the answer she just gave me was stupid as hell. I told her that no app can save you from getting pregnant. Technology is not foolproof, but let her tell it, it is.
“Kelly, it’s not the app that let you down. It’s a lot of work to keep track every single day and enter your info. I know you’re organized, but if you’re not tracking like you’re supposed to, it’s pretty much useless,” I say.
“Well, it was working every other time.”
“So, what was Ray’s vibe? Is he cool with it?”
She looks away.
“I haven’t told him. And I’m not going to.” She sits on the bed with me and rests her chin in her hands. I’m hella surprised by this. Kelly and Ray are madly in love. They tell each other everything. I would’ve thought he’d be the first person she told. I mean, I didn’t hesitate to tell Miguel when I found out, but maybe Kelly is telling me first cause she needs advice on how to tell Ray. I can’t lie. I’m a little excited inside. I want to squeeze her and yell congrats, but I’m getting the feeling that this isn’t good news for her.
“What about your parents? You gonna tell them soon?”
“Eventually.” She leans back on her palms. “I’m not telling anybody right now but you. I just don’t want anyone trying to convince me to do something I don’t want to do.”
Again, I’m thrown by this news. The reason why I didn’t tell my momma was because I was scared as hell that she was gonna flip. But Kelly doesn’t have those worries. I don’t even think her parents could stay mad at her. Hell, they even have an extra room for the baby to sleep in, so there’s no way they’d threaten to boot her out like my momma told me.
“Kelly, you know how that played out with me. You gotta tell them at some point.”
“I just don’t want to drop that on them right now.” She raises all the way up and turns to me. “I made an appointment at that Compassionate Care place. It’s three weeks from today at ten a.m. Can you come with me?”
It makes me feel good to know that Kelly is trusting in me. She could’ve just kept it between her and Ray. Hell, she could’ve told her mom at least, but she’s confiding in me. I nod real fast.
