Hold Fast, page 14
Malika was leading her first belay class in the far corner, on the practice ropes. She was clearly nervous and if he thought she’d have welcomed his presence, he would have lingered closely enough to wave or something. Instead, he told Cody to casually walk by just to make sure she was okay.
Otherwise, the whole Crux family seemed to be doing well. The locker rooms were clean (ish), he’d inspected all the rental harnesses, sorted the belay test ropes, and price-checked the small selection of Crux merchandise. There were probably a lot of things Val would have done if he were there, but Zack tried to take care of as much of the accumulated tedious tasks as he could. The fact that he was meant to be off and therefore didn’t expect to accomplish a long list of his own work helped; he focused more on general catch-up chores.
Every now and then he happened to glance up at the choir loft, that big expanse of window displaying the very floor where he’d once had sex with Isaiah. He couldn’t help flushing at the thought.
Chapter Fifteen
Pops made sandwiches and put out Cokes before saying, “So tell me about the boy.”
It was useless to say What boy? Isaiah knew that tone. Cai had talked to Pop, which was weird, because when he’d casually mentioned that he was seeing someone in his last conversation with his brother, Cai had acted like he hadn’t heard.
But he had. Proof of which was watching him across the table right now.
“He’s not a boy. He’s older than I am.”
Yeah, his dad wasn’t buying that. Judging by the totally blank expression on his face.
Isaiah took a different tack. “And he’s…not a boy. He has a ten year plan, Pops. You know? He wants to get his career settled, then find a partner, start a family.”
“Well, now. That sounds encouraging.”
“Not exactly. I mean, maybe at some point, but he and I are both…in the same spot. I’m not ready for all that yet. And I don’t think Zack is either.”
“Zack what?”
Isaiah rolled his eyes. “He’s white, yes. Zack Scherzo, like the musical thing.”
“What’s that? German?” Pop studied his sandwich like he wasn’t trying to draw a picture of Zack in his head right now.
“I have no idea what his background is. His parents picked the name when they got married because they were…feminists. Or something. He’s completely—” He cast about for a word that was less offensive than anal retentive. “He has all these notebooks, he keeps lists for everything. He has an index for his DVDs.” This time when he looked up, Pop was smiling at him. “What?”
“You like this boy.”
“He’s not a boy.”
Pop waved a hand. “This is serious, though. I know it’s serious when you get that dreamy look on your face.” Isaiah opened his mouth to argue, but snapped it shut when his dad added, “You look so much like your mother sometimes. She looked around and saw hope and potential everywhere. I’m glad you have that, son.”
Which wasn’t something he had any idea how to respond to so he took a bite of his sandwich instead.
“I look forward to meeting him.”
“Pops, it’s not like that. I mean, we aren’t that serious. We can’t be.”
“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” Pop’s eyes narrowed a little.
“See, when you ask a question like that I can tell you’re just going to fight with whatever I say.”
“I can see that you’re serious, Isaiah. Is the problem that he’s not serious?”
Even he’s not trying to pretend that any more. “No, it’s just that there’s a time and place for this kind of thing. Now’s not a good time for either of us. Maybe if we met in a couple of years it could make sense, but he’s trying to get a degree, and his job’s incredibly demanding. And so are mine.”
That sensation of being in his dad’s crosshairs intensified. “You’ve been complaining about not having something to consume you for months now. Did that change?”
“No, but that’s the point. I need that. I’m trying as hard as I can to find something—something new—something different from the rest of the things I’m working on. But that means I have less time, not more.”
Uh oh. Pop put his sandwich down and brushed the crumbs off his hands. “You got too much of me in you. Pigheaded as anything. Never wanting to jump unless you can see exactly how you’ll land. But it does surprise me you’re willing to just give up on this boy—this man. That doesn’t seem like you, unless you’re scared he won’t fight for you.”
“He wouldn’t. I mean, not that it’s got anything to do with that. Just, Zack’s got a very clear picture of where he is in his life, and having a boyfriend isn’t part of that picture. Which I respect. It’s not part of mine either.” Isaiah ground his back teeth together to keep from saying more than that. Couldn’t give Pop an inch when he had that look in his eyes, like he was hunting for inconsistencies.
As teenagers they’d called him Officer Pops behind his back. Isaiah was getting a real Officer Pops vibe right now.
“Anyway, it can’t be that serious right now, but we’re having fun.” It was so extreme an understatement that it felt like a lie, when clearly it was true. If incomplete. “So, catch me up on the gossip at the bank.”
It had been years since his dad had taken him aside to explain how questioning his siblings’s every decision didn’t feel like an expression of love to them, but a constant interrogation. And he’d had to work at not doing that.
It never occurred to him, until this moment, that Pop knew all about how hard it was not to ask all the questions on the tip of his tongue because he was almost certain he knew best.
After a pause that felt like teetering on the brink between peace and war, Pop ate a chip.
Isaiah relaxed.
“You won’t believe what Lana has been offering our executive business clients in return for their accounts.” When Isaiah’s eyes widened, Pop shook his head. “Get your mind out of the gutter, boy. Here’s how it all came out…”
Somehow sandwiches at his dad’s kitchen table always tasted better than anywhere else. Isaiah took another sip of Coke and settled in to chat about Pop’s coworkers.
* * *
He brought Zack lunch on Sunday during what he was calling a split shift, though by the looks of it he wasn’t actually going to leave the gym at any point.
And damn, the way he smiled when Isaiah walked in, like Isaiah was the sun. Just damn.
“How’d you get in here?”
“I got connections. Plus, the woman up front—that’s Randi, right?—said you were probably starving by now.” Isaiah held up a take-out bag from the deli down the street. “You said smoked turkey, right?”
“Oh my god, how did you remember that? And yes.”
Zack fell on the food ravenously so Isaiah picked up the conversation until he was more or less finished. His eyes roamed the desktop, catching on something that looked like a calendar.
Before he could ask, Zack pushed it over. He swallowed his food and cleared his throat. “You want to fill out your, uh, availability? I did mine. But I’m hoping you’re a lot more open or I’m not really sure when we’ll be able to see each other. Sorry I’m a terrible lunch date right now, I’m just hungry.”
“That’s why I brought you food. Eat, man. And yeah, let me look.”
It was possibly even more Zack than the coconut water chart. He’d actually titled the page Dating Trial. Isaiah fought an almost painful pressure in his chest and focused on the two weeks of days, a few of which were already crossed off.
Zack was serious about two weeks. But looking at this hand-drawn calendar made two weeks look like nowhere near enough time for anything, especially dating. Or trying to date. Or assessing the possibility of dating.
Fourteen boxes representing fourteen days. Isaiah ran his fingers along them. “Can you have dinner with me tomorrow? It looks like you’re off at seven.”
Zack nodded vigorously, swallowing his food before speaking. “And I’m hoping we might be able to work something out for Tuesday night. I’m closing, but I’m off Wednesday, so if you had later client meetings, maybe we could…”
“Damn. I have a mastermind Wednesday.” He couldn’t skip that. “Sorry, but it’s only once a month, and I’ve been part of this group for almost four years now.”
“No, no. Of course. I completely understand. What kind of mastermind? I’m not even sure if that’s how you talk about a mastermind.”
“We met up through a business class all of us took online. But the class was pretty disappointing, so a few of us who happened to be in the Bay Area decided to meet up.”
“Wow. That’s awesome. Is it helpful? I mean, I assume it must be.”
Would Zack enjoy the group? Not that they were accepting new members, or that he’d have time, or that it’d be a wise idea on any level, but Isaiah thought Zack would like a mastermind. All that intense focus on business, the relentless pursuit of goals and measurables. Sometimes they laughed a lot. Zack might be troubled by excessive silliness in the context of work…
He’d asked a question. Isaiah focused. “It’s been incredibly useful, yeah. I think I’ve sort of…leveled up faster than I would have if I didn’t have these folks to bounce ideas off of. And it helps when you massively fail at something to have an outside perspective on what happened, and how you can avoid it next time.”
“That makes sense to me. I think I’d die of shame if I tried something and, uh, felt like I’d failed at it. Especially if other people were watching.” Zack frowned. “Does that sound really sheltered to you?”
“Not sheltered.” It wasn’t exactly that. Isaiah stretched his legs out and enjoyed the entire picture of Zack, leaning slightly forward, expression intent. “It doesn’t feel like they’re judging me. Not that I enjoy failing at stuff I try, but that if I’m going to really attempt something, and if after all my planning it doesn’t go the way I expected, then it’s actually a lot more efficient to have my group there to point out things I might not have seen.”
“Efficient failure,” Zack said, smile playing across his lips.
“Much much better than inefficient failure, believe me.”
“I see what you’re saying. I feel…I don’t know. I’m so afraid of risk. Which I know is not great, but I also feel like right now I’m not in a great place to risk things. Maybe when I have my degree, when I know what I’m doing more…it’ll be easier.”
“Maybe.”
“You don’t think so.”
Isaiah shrugged. “It’s not really that. I’d just rather take risks than be afraid of taking risks.”
“But it doesn’t scare you? You’re really not worried about failure?”
“I’d rather not fail. But I can also see how failing at different things has made me better. And I think it’s like anything. Like, okay, a good friend of mine from high school had a baby when we were young. She eventually got married and moved to Kyoto, but never mind. Anyway, she had this baby, and they’d be over at our house a lot, and I remember watching Dani learn to walk. Babies fail all day long every day, you know? But they’re not afraid of it, and they eventually get where they’re going.” He shook his head. “I don’t know if I’m really explaining this right. And I know learning to walk isn’t the same stakes as stuff we’re talking about.”
“No, but that kind of…makes me feel like this should be easier. I don’t even really know what I’m risking half the time.” Zack picked at his pen then seemed to deliberately put it aside. “It’s…not a thing I’m proud of. I don’t like being afraid.”
Since this was the gym, and during open hours, Isaiah couldn’t justify doing anything as outlandish as going around the desk and rubbing Zack’s shoulders. He wasn’t even sure if a kiss would be accepted; hello and goodbye kisses were okay, but he had the sneaking suspicion a I don’t want you to be afraid, either kiss was not.
There had to be something, though.
He tapped the calendar. “Okay, so dinner tomorrow. Any way you can spend the night Thursday? I have a few meetings I can’t cancel on Friday, but they don’t start until noon. And you’re off.”
Zack exhaled. “Yes. Let’s do that. That’s good, right? I mean, twice in a—in a week. Huh. That’s actually not that good, is it?”
“Plus today is three times.” Isaiah grabbed a pencil. At least that’s what he thought it was, though it was oddly shaped and had Palomino stamped on it, which was a type of horse last he checked. He drew the notebook toward him and penciled in Lunch for the current day, Dinner for the next day, and Hot sex for Thursday. Then he pushed it across the desk and waited.
“Oh my god, give me that!”
The man was impossible not to fuck with. Isaiah grinned and handed over the pencil, which Zack used to meticulously erase Hot sex, replacing it with Dinner*.
“So the star means you’re getting laid? I’m just trying to figure out your system for sexual notation.”
“You are so lucky Val’s not in his office right now. You realize we don’t actually have walls, right?”
“You think he doesn’t know you’re getting laid?”
Zack pointed the elongated pencil at him. “Not the point.”
But Isaiah thought he’d hit the exact line before teasing went too far. And Zack looked damn cute with those spots of red in his cheeks. Time to let him off the hook. Probably. “Dinner at my place or yours, tomorrow?”
“If we eat at one of our apartments, don’t you think there’s a very real danger that we’ll…that we’ll find some way to justify…I need to be serious about my meetings with Professor Yang, Isaiah.”
He raised both hands. “I take your class seriously. I was really only thinking that then I can make dinner while you’re at work and it’ll be ready. I’m assuming that we can fit in some, ah, starred activities, even if we aren’t spending the entire night together.”
It was clear as anything that Zack hadn’t even considered it. He flushed. “Oh. Um. Yes. Okay. You’re right. I mean, I’m not out until late, really. It’ll be eight before I get to your apartment.”
“All right. When do you want to leave? We’ll set an alarm or something.”
“Damn. Eleven, probably. Eleven thirty is pushing it. That’s really not that much time.”
It wasn’t. But it was more than enough. Isaiah reached over and added a little penciled-in star to the Monday box. “Done.” When he looked up, Zack was biting his lip.
He cleared his throat. “Well, it’s in my WoJo now. So it has to happen.”
“I’m good with that.”
“Me too. I should…probably get back to work.”
Privately, Isaiah thought they could have had sex right then and there, with the full blessing (and avoidance) of Zack’s coworkers. He smiled and leaned over for a kiss. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
“Yeah. Let me walk you out.”
“Please.” Because in that narrow hallway Zack would walk first, and following his ass to the front of the gym was always a pleasure.
“I know you’re doing that, by the way,” Zack said over his shoulder.
“Doing what?”
“Staring at my ass.”
Isaiah grinned. “Hell yes. You good with that?”
“I think I can live with it.”
And even though they’d already kissed goodbye, they kissed again outside.
“Have a good night, Zack.”
“Yeah. You too.”
And this time it was Zack watching as he walked away, so he added a swishy little bounce to his step.
Behind him, Zack laughed.
Yeah, Isaiah was in deep. He couldn’t get that damn grin off his face until he was driving away.
Chapter Sixteen
Midshifts were the worst. Well. Not as bad as split shifts. But Zack had set his alarm for six just to put the finishing touches on the work he planned to bring in to show Professor Yang the next morning.
He could get up that early again, if he needed to. Though after leaving Isaiah’s at eleven thirty and not getting to bed until midnight, it’d probably be a crappy way to wake up.
The day dragged out seemingly forever. Every now and then he double checked his personal WoJo and blushed because of the starred entries on the calendar. Which was silly, but no one else knew what he was thinking.
A knock at the door, and Val stuck his head around the corner. Zack slammed his notebook shut and shoved it under his Crux book, trying not to look incredibly guilty about it.
Val’s eyes widened. “Uh—sorry, am I interrupting something?”
“No, of course not. Come in. Or do you need me on the floor?”
“More that I need you to come up with a maintenance plan. And I don’t know, I can’t…I don’t know how to make this work. Especially with Randi monitoring my shifts now.”
Zack wasn’t all that sure about Val’s taste in men, but he definitely had a type with women: Randi and Stacy were similar enough to be sisters. They’d come to Halloween last year as twins from some anime show they both loved, and when they ganged up on Val, he folded immediately.
“She’s got the backing of the whole staff for that, by the way.”
Val made a face. “I know. I tried to come in when she was off and someone ratted me out. I think Rod. Maybe Milo.”
It had been Bear, but Zack waved a hand. “Yes, we’re all invested in you not having some kind of breakdown related to working every day. Anyway, I know we’re struggling with maintenance. I’m just not sure what to do about it. Ask everyone to stay an extra twenty minutes and get everything done we can?”
“But then we’re upping payroll. We need some way to get more done in the time we’re already paying for without losing any quality of service. So. If you’ve got a magic wand or fairy dust or something, this is the time to use it.”
