An Uncertain Fate, page 4
part #3 of An Ungoverned World Series
Somewhere out there was a place for him, he was sure of that, he just didn't know where. He had been happiest when he was on his own, and that seemed to be the only way he actually was going to feel safe. Yet, he owed Nick a life debt and he couldn't leave until it had been paid. Cosmo's mind whirled with the conflicting thoughts and his heart wouldn't settle down. A few times he wondered if he was not overstating his importance. It wasn't like Nick couldn't survive without him. Cosmo just wasn't the type of person to be around a lot of people. He never had been. People never had gravitated toward him. He'd never been popular. Just because the world changed didn't mean that everything changed with it. Cosmo was the same person now as he was then, and he was better off alone.
As that thought careened through his mind Cosmo felt a wave of relief wash over him. Light shined brightly, and he felt soothed. The irrevocable truth was that he didn't belong with Nick. He didn't belong with anyone. He had to be out there alone, forging his own path.
Minutes ticked by as he thought about it some more. This was not a decision he could make rashly. Leaving now would be turning his back on the friendship he had made with Nick and the opportunity to live with these new people. Yet, every time he thought about being in a community with a lot of other people his head ached, and he wanted to vomit. It was clear what he had to do. He had to leave.
Darkness filled the room in which they were staying. There wasn't much in the way of comfort. Cosmo was unable to sleep. Part of him wanted to say goodbye to Nick, but another part of him didn't think it mattered. The others wouldn't care that he was going. Tanya probably would cheer. It was better if he just slipped into the night and left quietly without a trace. Even Nick wouldn't miss him in the end. Cosmo just wasn't made to be with other people. Being careful in the darkness, he took a bottle of water and a little more food, trying to make as little noise as possible.
“Can't you sleep either?” Nick's hushed whisper came to him. Cosmo wished that Nick had been asleep. It would have made things so much easier.
“No. You want to talk?”
“Yeah. Let's go outside. Don't want to disturb the others.”
Cosmo heard Nick rise and saw a shadowy form move through the darkness. There was a little moan from Backdraft, but the dog stayed asleep. Cosmo made his way to the door and stepped outside. Although the days were temperate, the nights were chilled. His breath swirled in the air and he shifted his weight from foot to foot to keep his blood flowing. He drew his arms across his chest and rubbed himself vigorously. Nick was doing the same.
“Hell of a night, isn't it?” Nick said.
“You got that right.”
“I hate that I can't sleep. I'm so exhausted, but I just can't seem to get my mind still. At least Tanya is getting some rest. I think she needs it after all she's been through.”
“We've all been through a lot,” Cosmo replied dryly.
“I never said we hadn't,” Nick said sharply. Then he sighed and seemed to rub his head. Occasionally he moved to the right and he was caught in the silvery moonlight. He looked up at the sky. “The sky is much prettier now, much clearer.”
“'Cause there's no pollution in the air. It took losing everything to remind us how beautiful the world can be.”
“I used to want to be an astronaut when I was a kid. I loved looking through my telescope at the unending universe.”
“What stopped you?”
“Well, I discovered that if I lowered my telescope I could see right into Sandy Johnson's bedroom.” Nick and Cosmo both laughed. It was going to be a shame for Cosmo to not have this friendship in his life anymore.
“You know,” Nick continued, “I really think Abe and this place could be good for us. I know you don't trust them. I can tell that without you saying a word, and I really don't blame you after everything we've been through, but I really feel like this has potential. Everything he's told me sounds genuine and I just feel that if this was a trap they could have sprung it way before now. They had us red-handed when they first found us. They're the ones with the weapons. There's no need for them to be this nice when they don't have to be, which makes me think that they are what they say they are. Think about it, Cosmo. If this is true, then we actually can settle in a place for a while and figure out what we're doing in this world! We actually can be a part of something and not have to worry about what's out there. We can be safe. It's what we've wanted since the start of all this.”
Cosmo could hear the excitement in Nick's voice. He knew that Nick was beaming. It was so easy for other people to be happy in the world, but not for Cosmo. The news that thrilled Nick only made Cosmo more anxious.
“No, Nick, it's what you've wanted.”
“What do you mean?”
“You think that everyone wants the same thing. We don't. I don't want to live with a lot of other people. I don't trust other people. I don't feel safe around other people. I only feel safe when I'm on my own, or with a select few people, like you.”
“But you can't live like that, Cosmo. I know you have your problems, but you must see that this isn't the way to go. We must work together. That's the only way people can survive in this world.”
“I disagree, Nick. I think I can make it by myself, and I'm going to do that. I'm not up because I can't sleep. I'm up because I'm leaving.”
Dead air hung between them. Cosmo knew that Nick was going to try stopping him, he just didn't know how hard.
“Leaving?”
“Yes Nick. I must go. It's the only thing that makes sense to me.”
“But you can't leave. We must stick together, Cosmo. The best chance we have is trusting other people. We need them to rely on, to keep us safe, just like they need us. We need their skills. Humans aren't meant to be alone! Think about what's happened to us. When I met you, we were both alone. I was running away, you almost died in a fire. The men who attacked us and killed Mikey, they were working together. Gillian and those Angels of Death, the only reason they were able to do anything to us was because of their numbers. We have to be a part of something like that. Otherwise, we're going to die.”
“Angels of Death, I like that,” Cosmo replied in a calm voice.
“Cosmo, be serious! I can't let you do this. If you go out there on your own, you're going to end up dead. I can't let that happen.”
Tears were in Cosmo's eyes. “I'm sorry, Nick. I just can't go on like this. I understand everything you say, and part of me wishes that I was like you, but I can't go along with it. I can't be comfortable with it. Whenever I'm around other people I'm always going to be sleeping with one eye open, and I'm always going to be looking out for the worst. I don't know what my chances are like out there alone, but I know that I'll be able to sleep in peace.
“I'd stick around with you if it was just a few of us, but I can't be part of a large group again. Where there's people there's trouble. I want to find a nice quiet corner of the world and have it to myself. The only thing that's kept me sticking around is the life debt I owe you. This is hard for me, Nick. I don't want to leave you because I want to repay you when the time comes, but I just...I need to be alone. I can't explain it more than that.”
Cosmo wondered if Nick could hear the desperation in his voice. Nick stayed silent for a long while. Eventually, he sighed.
“Okay, Cosmo. You're a grown man and you're capable of making your own decisions. It's not like I can do anything to keep you here against your will. And don't you worry about the life debt. Consider it paid. You've been a good friend out in this world and I'll miss you. Do you want to say goodbye to Tanya?”
“I don't think that's for the best. She'll probably be happy to see me gone.”
“Maybe,” Nick said. There was no denying the animosity between them, which Cosmo still thought was partly her fault.
“I'm going to head off now. Figure it's best for everyone that I just go without any ceremony.”
“It's so cold, though. Where are you going to stay? What are you going to do?”
“That's the beauty of it, I just don't know.”
“Well, it's been fun, Cosmo. I'll certainly never forget you. I hope that we run into each other again.”
“You never know,” Cosmo said.
“Stay safe.” The men clasped their hands together and bumped their chests.
Cosmo felt stupid for feeling so emotional and he was glad the darkness hid his glistening tears. With nothing more to say he turned from Nick and strode out into the darkness. The sadness that resided in his heart soon would fade, he knew that for sure, and with every step he felt freer and stronger. And even though Nick had released Cosmo from his life debt Cosmo had not released himself. One day he would repay what he owed Nick. He didn't know when, and he didn't know where, but Cosmo would not let that stain his honor.
Chapter Six
Nick peered into the darkness and watched as Cosmo walked away. Nick wished there was something more he could have said, but short of tying the man down there was nothing he could do. Cosmo was his own man and he could take his own direction in life. That was the right of every free man, and even though Nick didn't agree with Cosmo's choice he would at least respect Cosmo's right to make it. The night was cold, and Nick didn't envy Cosmo one bit. In fact, he was very worried for Cosmo's safety. Both men knew how dangerous the city could be, not to mention the cold, and Cosmo didn't have any weapons at all. It seemed like a rash decision because it happened so abruptly.
The more Nick thought about it the more he realized that it had been on Cosmo's mind for a long time. He'd always been reticent to engage with new people. Even all the way back at the beginning he hadn't wanted to stay around Mikey and David. Those days seemed so far away. So much had happened that Nick hadn't been keeping track of the days, but many had passed, judging by the thickness of his beard. He ran his hand through the thick, coarse knots and smiled wryly. Samantha always said he'd look good with a beard.
Cosmo quickly disappeared into the darkness and Nick was sure he wouldn't ever see the man again. People passed in and out of life, but he wished Cosmo the best. The man certainly had his rough edges, but he was a good sort, and Nick trusted him. Hopefully he would find his own safe haven.
Nick was surer than ever now that joining up with Abe was the right idea. He couldn't think of anything worse than being in the city alone, defenseless. Cosmo was stupid, but he was also brave. He stayed out in the cold of the night for a little while longer, reflecting on everything he had been through with Cosmo, just waiting in case Cosmo decided to return, or if he heard a cry of help in the night. Neither of those things happened, though. Cosmo was gone. It wasn't the same as when John had died, but it still was sad. Eventually, Nick went back inside and shut out the cold.
The following morning, he awoke early and broke the news to Tanya and the others. “Cosmo was a good friend through this, but he just couldn't bring himself to live with other people. I tried talking him out of it, and I don't know what happened to make him so mistrustful, but this is what he wanted to do, and I couldn't stop him. It's really not a reflection on you guys, it's just about the way he wants to live his life.”
“Some men just want to walk their own path. It's sad, but it's true. I wish him well out there. Shame he couldn't see things the same way we do, but if that's what he needs to be happy, then that's what he needs,” Abe said, “and it's certainly better than having people around who don't really want to be here. We all have to say goodbye sometimes,” he said.
Gina and Paolo didn't seem to have much to say. Nick hadn't spoken to them much at all really. He'd noticed that Tanya had been speaking with Gina, which he thought was good as he wanted her to have more connections with people other than him. Sometimes he wondered if her affection for him wasn't just because he was the only viable candidate around. He wanted to speak to her about Cosmo, but she quickly turned away from him and began gathering up the supplies as they were making ready to leave. Abe said it still was a while until they would make it back home, so they had to prepare for a long trek. Nick was used to this physical exertion, but he was impressed that Tanya could keep up. Then again, the girl had so much on her mind that she probably didn't even notice the pain she was in.
Backdraft bounded around, wanting to play. He was restless, so once Nick had finished helping gather up things he went outside and found a stick for Backdraft to fetch. The dog yapped as he scrambled to bring the stick back to Nick as quickly as possible. Nick chuckled to himself. It was good to see Backdraft so happy, and that in this grim world there still was room for happiness.
Soon it was time to move on, and Nick didn't want Backdraft running too far away from him, so Nick called him to heel. Backdraft whimpered a little, but he obeyed, as he always did. While they were walking Nick couldn't help but stare into the crevices of the city, fearful he would see Cosmo's body. He was relieved when he didn't, though. Perhaps Nick needed more faith in Cosmo's ability to make it on his own. Maybe he would prove Nick wrong. Every rule had its exception, after all.
As they were walking Nick noticed that Tanya was dropping back. He slowed his pace to keep her company as he didn't want to risk losing her as well. She was chewing her bottom lip and had a pensive look on her face.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
She'd been through a lot and still hadn't opened up to him about everything she had been through. Not that he expected her to, but he had hoped that being in her old house would have been a cathartic experience for her. Although it only seemed to weaken her, and she was even more uncertain than before. As it turned out, her subdued mood was due to Cosmo's absence.
“Do you think he left because of me?” she asked.
“No, Tanya, he didn't. He left because that's who he is.”
“It's just that we had that big argument and I know I was pissed off at him, but I didn't think he'd leave like that. It's not a good idea to be alone in the city. If anything happens to him, I'll feel so guilty.”
“Tanya, you're not responsible for other people making decisions. There's no reason for you to feel guilty. Cosmo is a grown man and he knows full well what he's doing. Sometimes you can see people making mistakes and you must let them because it's their life, and they're going to have to learn from it.”
“But this is a little more than that, isn't it?”
“Don't take this the wrong way, Tanya, but I'm a little surprised at this. I thought you'd be happy to see him gone.”
“I thought so too...”
They walked along in silence for a few moments. Nick didn't want to get angry with her, but he was tired and thinking about Cosmo was taking its toll on him. He didn't want to think of the other men in danger, but it was hard when danger was all around, and Nick felt as though he should have done more to convince Cosmo to stay. Maybe there was something else he could have done...and then he realized he was going through the same process as when Samantha had left him. She'd taken her job to New York, and after she left, he'd gone over and over the conversation, trying to find some magic combination of words that would have made her stay. It wasn't exactly the same situation now, but it wasn't exactly different either. Nothing would have made Cosmo stay because nothing in him wanted to do so. He needed to be out there, and the only thing Nick could do was accept the man's choice.
“I guess it just feels strange not to have him around. You kinda have things in your life that you get used to, and his grumbling was one of them,” Tanya said.
“It sure was,” Nick chuckled as he remembered how Cosmo would grouse about everything. “I know he had his downsides, but he wasn't that bad really. I do feel a little guilty that we never properly apologized for not listening to him when he was right about those people.”
“Me too, but I wish he didn't go about it in such a mean way. I guess that we all were getting on each other’s nerves. I don't feel like I've had a decent night’s sleep in forever. Do you think that we'll ever see him again?”
Nick looked down at Backdraft. “You never know,” he said.
There had been a time when he'd thought he never would see Backdraft again, but his faithful companion had returned to him. It was funny the way things worked out in the world. Some people came back, some people were gone forever. He didn't know yet if Cosmo was going to be like Backdraft or Samantha, but he knew some people who he never wanted to see again, Donny and his men. Being back in the city made his skin crawl as he remembered the treatment he was subjected to and how he'd had to watch John be killed in front of him.
It was entirely likely that they all still were around, causing mayhem and chaos, and he prayed that he would be able to avoid them at all costs. Then there was David to think about too. Nick still regretted that the man had been so twisted with guilt and hate that he had wandered off in the direction of the city. It would have been a miracle for him to survive the storm. Nick remembered the way David had sworn vengeance against him. Hopefully, he had made peace with Mikey's death and was aware of the people who truly were responsible. Hopefully, he had found peace.
A long time ago Nick had wanted revenge on the men who had taken him prisoner, killed John, and made him leave Backdraft behind, but so much had happened since then those feelings had faded. The post-apocalyptic world was hazardous enough without him seeking out danger willingly. It was foolhardy to go in search of those men, as much as he wanted to make them pay for all they had done. Without the laws of society holding people together there was no penance for crimes. It sickened Nick to think that they could get away with such abhorrent acts.
The same went for Tanya's father as well. From what he knew he had abused her from a young age and nobody had stopped it. He was out there somewhere as well, possibly doing the same to other people. Sometimes the world was entirely depressing, but all Nick could do was give himself the best life possible. It wasn't healthy to be swallowed up by revenge. There was more to live for.
