We Were Inevitable, page 26
He nodded, smiling for the first time that morning. “We can. I know we can. I can’t see the path forward right now, but I’m sure there is one. There has to be.”
“Okay.” She hesitated, studying his face like the map for the path he was talking about might be hidden in his eyes. “Just promise me you aren’t going to quit your job and move across the world permanently just so we can have a shot at being together. I don’t think even the best relationship could handle that kind of pressure, and I don’t want you throwing away your career on my behalf.”
Ben gave a soft scoff. “I promise not to make any impulsive decisions today. How’s that?“ He shrugged. “But I can’t promise not to make a grand gesture. Who are you to decide that my career is worth more than my happiness? Or that I couldn’t be perfectly happy living and working in Michigan with you?”
“Those are some big questions,” she said. “And we can talk about them later. It’s just…it’s not the right moment, is it? We need to at least deal with this mess.”
“You’re right.” He nodded. “And what a mess it is. I can’t believe the program is over practically before it even had a chance.”
“You and me both.”
“Well, how about we have one last evening hanging out? A little company during packing…before the airport tomorrow.” He blew out a slow exhale. “It’s really going to be tomorrow, isn’t it?”
Melody nodded. “Sounds like it. Mr. Richards is itching to get things back to normal as quickly as possible. And it looks like everyone else is on board with that, too.”
“Okay, fair enough, then,” said Ben. “I better…” He tipped his head towards his workspace and all the tasks waiting for him there on this most busy of days.
“Yeah, me too. We’ll talk later.” She squeezed his hand and then got back to work.
After work Ben and Melody went home together, taking the steps a little more slowly than normal, knowing that it was the last time.
“So I have to ask,” he said. “I was going to wait, but the question has been weighing on me all day.”
“What question?”
“I guess the question is…what’s the verdict? Do we stick it out? Try to make this work long distance? Or is it all feeling like too much now?” He gave her a sad smile. “I know what you said this morning, but that may have come along with all the big feelings of the day. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page before…I don’t know…before I make any big declarations or anything like that.”
She was quiet, looking down at her feet as they continued to walk. “It’s definitely been on my mind,” she said with a nod. “How could it not be? You know? And I’ve been weighing the pros and cons, of course. Of both options.”
Ben exhaled through his nose, the weakest laugh she’d ever heard come out of him. “Well, I’m curious to see how I measured up on the pro con chart,” he said, a hint of bitterness in his tone.
“It wasn’t…it’s not about whether you’re worth it,” she said. “It’s about all the other things. You know? What do you think about the long distance relationship? I mean, there’s a lot of other factors there, you know. Obviously, the goal is for it not to be long distance forever. And if we’re going to close that distance, then we have to think about your career, my career, your family, my family…”
Ben stopped and turned to her, his hands coming to her shoulders. “Melody, no. That’s…you’re getting way too far ahead of yourself, aren’t you? I mean, that’s like…”
“I know,” she said, sadly. “It’s like I’m talking about marriage or something. And it’s not that. It’s not that I’m thinking about whether we’re going to be together forever or not. But I guess I’m just thinking about the challenge and the pain of a long distance relationship and if it’s going to be worth it, or if it’s just going to be kicking the can down the road. You know? The pain that we might feel parting now…well, it might be more manageable than the immense pain we would feel six months from now if we tried to make this work and it didn’t.”
Ben closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I understand,” he said finally. “And I respect that. I respect the hell out of your mind. The way you put it to use in situations like this where…well, I know my heart and my feelings are all over the place.” He gave her a small, sad smile. “You’re the only one of us bringing any amount of reason to this decision.”
She shook her head back at him. “If you want to call it that.”
“What else would it be?”
“Well, it might just be my own fears trying to steer me away from what I really want.” She shrugged. “Who’s to say?”
“So.” His eyes searched hers. “What’s the answer to it all, then? What do your mind and your heart say?”
To tell Ben that they need to end things, turn to page 266
To tell Ben that they will figure it out together, turn to page 96
311
Ben’s voice on the line was a balm to her soul. “This is great, Melody. I know it feels scary, especially making such a big change, but…” He sighed. “Well, I’m just so relieved. That place wasn’t good for you, you know? And I’m glad you see it. The whole world is open to you now. You can do anything you want.”
She ran her fingers along the bedspread, tracing its pattern. “I guess that’s one way of looking at it. It feels pretty overwhelming to me right now, I’m not going to lie.” She blew out an exhale. “But there’s a little part of me that thinks it’s all going to be okay.”
“Of course it is. Mr. Richards doesn’t run the whole world. You could find another job in a heartbeat. The question that matters is what do you want to do next, not who can you bend over backwards to accommodate?”
“It might sound stupid, but I want to be happy.”
“That doesn’t sound stupid at all. I think it’s a great starting point. So that’s what you need to figure out, isn’t it? What will make you happy?”
Melody was quiet for a long moment, finding her next words. “I was happy when we were together. But it’s not fair to put that on you, to make all my happiness depend on your presence.”
“No, you’re right. I was happy with you, too. But I don’t want to be in the kind of co-dependent relationship where my happiness is your responsibility, or yours is mine. Do you?”
“Absolutely not. I think I’m just getting out of a co-dependent relationship with Mr. Richards, and more than anything else I want, I don’t want to do that again. Not with you.”
“Okay, then.” She could hear the smile in Ben’s voice. “But you do want to be with me?”
“Of course. That was never the question. I mean, sure, I had my moments where I was too afraid for my own good, too scared of how real this thing between us had the potential to be…”
“But now?”
She lifted her chin. “Now I know I want it. No matter what. Even if it’s complicated and long-distance and time zones are hard to navigate.”
“Good.” He blew out a long sigh. “That’s really good. Now all you have to do is figure out what you want, where you want to be…and I’ll take care of the rest.”
“What do you mean? It’s not that simple, Ben.”
“Sure it is. Just figure out what’s going to make you happy and where you’re going to do that, and I’ll find a way to be there. I want to be where you are, Melody, and if you want me to be with you, there’s nothing that will stop me from figuring that out.”
She was already shaking her head. “But no, Ben. No. We can’t do that. I can’t ask you to uproot your whole life to be near me. That wouldn’t be fair to you, and weren’t we just talking about how that’s not a good foundation for your happiness?” She felt the emotions welling in her throat. “I’m not enough of a reason for you to be happy. I can’t even make myself happy, so how can I do that for you?”
“Melody.” His voice resonated into her bones, cutting through the anxiety bubbling under the surface. “I’m not asking you to make me happy. I’m just asking you to let me be near you. I can do my job from anywhere—Bettina wouldn’t have a problem with that. And I have my hobbies already, the things that bring me joy. Books, hiking, baking…I can do those things anywhere.”
Her emotions were flowing freely now, and Melody sniffled as she wiped her eyes. “Is it really that easy? It can’t be that easy.”
“It is, Mel. I’ve found what makes me happy, the little joys in my life. Now you find yours, and then when we combine our forces, we’ll truly be unstoppable.”
Her laugh was wet with the tears that were still flowing. “Okay. I can try.”
“You’ll do better than try, Melody. If I know you at all—and I am sure that I do—then you’re going to nail this.”
“Okay.” A pause. “I love you, Ben.”
“I love you, too.”
For the first time since her school days, when summer vacation and spring break were full of long, lazy days to do whatever she wanted, Melody was free. She didn’t need to go anywhere—because she didn’t have a job anymore, she reminded herself, tamping down the anxiety that came along with it—and the day stretched ahead of her with potential. There were so many opportunities to find that joy she was looking for that she almost didn’t even know where to begin.
She started with coffee. Breakfast. Picking up a novel off her shelf rather than something related to her personal or professional development. A slow stroll around the block to admire the bright leaves that were still on a few trees, the holiday decorations and twinkly lights that a few eager neighbors had started displaying.
There was no one thing that sparked an epiphany in Melody about where her happiness could come from. A good cup of coffee didn’t mean she should devote her life to roasting the perfect bean or pulling the perfect espresso shot. An appreciation of her neighbor’s landscaping didn’t mean she should take on an apprenticeship with the team that did the local yard work. Reading a good book didn’t mean that she should become a librarian or open a used bookstore…even if there definitely was part of her intrigued by the idea of having her own bookstore/coffee shop and all the romantic dreams that entailed.
As she returned to her apartment and unlocked the door, she remembered what Ben had said about the things that brought him joy. They weren’t things that he did for any particular end result—except for the baking, she suspected, because the end result of that hobby was always delicious—but simply because he enjoyed the process. And maybe that was the key—enjoying the process. Pausing in the middle of something, in the middle of anything, to appreciate what you were doing.
With that thought in mind, the day took on a different light. Rather than looking at her home, her meals, her chores, her neighborhood through the tired eyes, the lenses that had seen them day after day and grown accustomed to them, she tried to see it all for the first time. To appreciate what she had in this moment rather than wondering what was missing that might be the secret ingredient to her happiness.
Very soon, she found herself smiling a lot more than she had since being separated from Ben. There was so much to appreciate, so many ways in which she was already living a blessed life, rife with opportunities for happiness. All she had to do was pay attention and tap into what was already there.
It turned out, though, that being grateful for everything and everyone that crossed your path was exhausting. Or else, all the years of too much work, too much stress, and not enough sleep had caught up with Melody. Either way, she found herself falling asleep on the couch in the early afternoon, settling in for a luxurious nap with no responsibilities—apart from figuring out what she was going to do with her life—hanging over her head.
A few weeks into Melody’s new life, she received an unexpected email from Madeline Andrews, director of the Generosity Exchange.
Dear Ms. Critchfield,
As you are no doubt aware, the fallout from the recent Generosity Exchange cohort has had severe professional implications for the leadership at EduPowerment. In the subsequent debriefings about what went wrong and what could be improved upon in the future, your name was mentioned a number of times, both in terms of your commitment to the mission and ideals of EduPowerment and your skill and ingenuity. It seems that most of the work for which Mr. Richards took credit was, in fact, completed by yourself.
My colleague, Bettina Schmidt from Deutsche Lebenshilfe, and I would be very interested in interviewing you for a position in the new and improved Generosity Exchange Consortium. The salary is competitive (far more so than your previous role, I don’t mind telling you), and the position would be fully remote.
Please let me know your availability. I’m looking forward to speaking with you soon.
Regards,
Madeline Andrews
Three weeks later, Melody was on a plane to Dresden, not-so-patiently approaching the final descent. Though the time had passed since she had last seen Ben, it hadn’t passed quickly. It had been equal parts missing him and wishing he were closer, along with settling in to her new reality and routine, easing in to her new responsibilities at Generosity Exchange with a much healthier balance between work and the rest of her life.
Now, it was the first week of December, and Ben had invited her to join him in Dresden. The Christmas markets he had told her about would be starting up just in time for the First Advent, and she was eager to find out what that entailed. But not as eager as she was to see Ben.
And though the time between the plane landing, exiting into the terminal, reclaiming her bag, and making her way out of the airport stretched on for an eternity, teasing her with the sweet reunion that was awaiting her, it did end. And it ended in the best possible way, with Melody running into Ben’s arms and him picking her up, twirling her around in a circle, and never letting her go again.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He had to let her go from his embrace so that he could step back and look at her, take her in fully, and then pull her close to him again for another embrace, a kiss, the cycle repeating. But if he never let go of her heart again, if he held onto it for the rest of his days, well, that would be just fine with her.
She leaned in to the kiss, relishing the familiar smell of him, the taste of him. She had thought she had known what she was missing, but Ben in the flesh was even better than she remembered him being. Even sturdier, even more comforting, even more enticing.
“I missed you so much,” she said when they finally parted.
He was stroking her cheek and looking at her with warm affection. “Not as much as I missed you.”
She raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware it was a competition.”
“It wasn’t. Competitions have winners, and I’m pretty sure we were both just in agony.” He smiled. “But it’s over now, right? You’re here, and I’m not letting you go.” He threaded his fingers through hers, his thumb caressing the back of hers.
She smiled at him. “It is. I’m here now.” She lifted her shoulders before dropping them back down. “And I have no idea what happens next, but…”
“But you know just as surely as I do that we’re going to be together for it?”
She blew out a deep exhale as her face split in a smile. “I mean…yeah. I don’t know how that works, but…yes. Please.”
He pulled her to him again, his lips against hers before she finished her sentence. “Then all we have to figure out next is…where do you want to go from here?”
Bonus: Ben's POV
It shouldn’t be this big of a deal, he knew, inviting a woman over for coffee. But Melody wasn’t just any woman, was she? From the first time he had seen her, she had pinged on his radar like she was there to stay. Like no matter how much he might not want it, might even think it was creepy, he was always going to be aware of her presence.
And it had been true. Every room he had entered, if Melody had been there, her eyes were the first ones his had found.
Even when he was talking to someone else, with her just at the very edge of his peripheral vision, his entire body was aware of her. No matter how much he focused his attention on the conversation he was having, part of him—more than half of him, it felt like—was with Melody. Aware of her, tuned in to her, wishing she were the one he was with in that moment.
So if he was going to invite her to come over for Turkish coffee tomorrow, then he needed to make it the best darn Turkish coffee experience she had ever had. Never mind the fact that there was every possibility she had never actually had a Turkish coffee experience, which would by default make this one both the best and the worst.
“You know what that means, then,” he said out loud to himself, as he picked up his favorite cookbook. “Bake your feelings, Ben. The way to someone’s heart is through their stomach, right?”
He found his favorite recipe, the apple tart he’d mastered as a teenager, the first time he’d discovered he had any proficiency in the kitchen. And as he peeled apples, prepared the crust, and assembled all the components, he gave himself a pep talk.
“No matter what happens, it’s going to be fine. Whether she feels the same way about you or not, at least you’ll be out of the agony of not knowing. If she doesn’t feel the same way…” He shrugged, playing it off. “Well, that will be a bit awkward, but the program won’t last forever. At some point, it will end and you’ll both be put out of your misery.”
He stopped mid-peel, as the next thought occurred to him. “And if she does feel the same way…” He blew out a long exhale. “Well, that would really be something, wouldn’t it?” It was too good to even imagine what life could be like if Melody Critchfield reciprocated his feelings. If he could touch her, hold her, share all the things with her that he’d been bottling up deep inside. If this thing between them wasn’t just in his imagination, then it was likely to really be Something, with a capital S. Not a fling, not a fun way to pass the time while they were in the same space, but a game changer. A life changer.
