Cartwheels In The Dark, page 2
Connie walked up close to her and bent down until she was eye to eye with Kahlua. “See, little girl, here’s the thing. I don’t care where ya goin’! Ya ARE goin’ and that’s all I friggin’ care about at this point! And don’t be callin’ me Mama no more. I ain’t ya Mama no more girl! Ya go now and find ya’self somebody else dumb enough for the job. It ain’t me no more! I’ve had about all I can take of ya and I’m sick of lookin’ at ya! That clear enough?”
“But what’d I do, Mama?” Kallie asked, trying to swallow the hard lump caught in her throat.
Connie looked at her with a look of disgust as though her oldest child was nothing more than a sack of trash. “I don’t owe ya nothin’! And I sure as hell ain’t gonna stand here and explain myself to a friggin’ snot nosed kid!”
She watched as her mother ran back to the car and drove off out of sight. Connie was beyond angry at her, that much was apparent. What wasn’t clear was why. What could she have done to make her mother leave her alone and tell her to go away and find another mother? People didn’t just dump their children off on a bench and not come back. Did they? Kahlua watched the day end as the sun began to go down. Her mother would drive up the road and come back. She had to. Parents didn’t drive off to leave their ten-year-old daughters alone after dark. Did they?
She shivered and wiped the dirty tears from her eyes. Other mothers didn’t do that, she was sure. Connie was another story. Deep in her heart, she knew no one would be coming for her. What was she supposed to do? Where was she supposed to go? She was ten years old and not old enough to take care of herself. Kahlua buried her head in her hands and cried. She didn’t want to, and she tried not to. She tried to be brave, but she was more scared than she’d ever been in her life! What would she do when it was pitch dark outside? There were animals that came out after dark. What if something tried to get her? Where would she run to?
She laid her head on the suitcase and sobbed until there were no more tears. She lifted her head to see an elderly woman walking toward her, but she didn’t know who she was. The woman asked where her parents were. Kahlua shared what had happened and the woman took her by the hand into the general store. She led her into the rest room and told her to wash her face and when she was finished, she’d find the woman at the front of the store.
When Kahlua came out of the rest room, she could hear the woman’s voice talking loudly. She was on the store’s telephone telling someone that “this is not acceptable” followed by “what kind of monster are you?” She knew the woman must be talking to her mother. Had she had figured out what was going on and had sorted it all out for her? Yes! That had to be what was going on! Her mother would be coming back for her any minute now. Things would be okay soon.
When the woman hung up the phone, Kahlua was expecting her to say that everything had been sorted out and that she would be going home soon. That was not the case. The woman, who turned out to be Madeline O’Brien, was heartbroken and angry at the same time. She explained as best as she knew how to a young child, that her mother was not coming for her. She told Kahlua that she would love it if she came home with her and stayed for a while.
All Kahlua wanted to do though was go back home and crawl into the rusted old metal bed she shared with Ginger, Amaretta and Brandy. She didn’t even care if there was never enough room in the bed, or that someone was always hogging the blankets. She just wanted to go home. The older woman seemed nice enough. Dressed in a yellow house dress with a knit sweater thrown across her shoulders. She reminded her of Ms. True, who had been her schoolteacher last year. But it wasn’t Ms. True, and she didn’t know this woman. Kallie just wanted to go home but she had no choice. That choice had been made for her. Her mother wasn’t coming to get her. That was apparent. She had no choice but to trust the woman who had her by the hand, leading her to her new home up the street.
CHAPTER TWO
The pilot's voice filled the cabin to announce that they were about an hour from the Portland Jetport. Kallie couldn’t believe she was really sitting on a plane, heading back to the one place she had vowed to never return. If it weren’t for Maddie, she wouldn’t be returning at all. Ever.
It had been only a few short hours earlier when she had seen the obituary for Madeline O’Brien in the online morning edition of the Herald. She had dropped and shattered the coffee mug she had been holding when she saw the unmistakable photo of the elderly woman who had taken her in so long ago. Wracked with guilt for not making more time to visit with Maddie, she found herself regretting that she had let time get away from her. She had meant to visit with her more often but there always seemed to be something going on in her life that had prevented a trip back. The more she thought about it, she realized that wasn’t true. The truth was that she could have gone back to see Maddie anytime she wanted to, but she hadn’t. She always felt like the reason she would not go back to Maine to visit was an unspoken thing between the two of them. She had no desire to run into Connie or Albert and although they never talked about it, Kallie always felt that Maddie understood that.
Still, now that Maddie was gone, there was a heavy guilt in the pit of her stomach that she knew she would be carrying with her for a long time. Maddie had been nothing but good to her. She had taken her in and raised her like she was her own child. She had shown her what it means to be loved unconditionally from the moment she’d taken her in. Kallie knew, without question, that she never would have amounted to a hill of beans if not for that woman. She knew she never would have made it to college. She never would have met Cam. She would not be living in a beautiful home in Virginia. She never would have had an opportunity to give back and the homeless youth at the shelter she started in Washington D.C. No. None of that would have been possible without Maddie.
After seeing the obituary, Kallie was curious as to why it had run in a Virginia newspaper. After a bit of detective work and research online, she found the attorney from Maine who had placed the obituary in the Herald. Attorney Miller explained that Madeline retained him a few months earlier to take care of her financial affairs upon her death. She had been adamant that he was to make sure that her photo and her brief obituary ran in every major paper in Virginia, including online editions.
She had recently been diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer and wanted to be sure that her “daughter” knew of her passing. Kallie was to oversee the estate and would need to meet with Attorney Miller as soon as she could get away. There was a memorial service to plan and a house that would need selling. Not to mention a lifetime of items that filled the house that would need packing and either sold or donated.
After a much-needed cry for the woman who had been so good to her and taught her all that she knew about life and love, she picked up the phone and got on the next flight to Maine. She always said it would be an icy day in hell before she ever went back but this was something that needed to be done. The closer she got to Maine, the more the storm in her gut began to rumble.
There was no doubt, whatsoever, that going back would be an uncomfortable thing to do. She wondered if it wasn’t the hardest thing she’d ever do. Could she manage to avoid the poison that was Connie and Albert Jansen? They were bound to still be there. Where else could they be? If they hadn’t managed to kill one another in one of their drunken rages, they would be there. They hadn’t a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out, the last time Kallie knew. She doubted much had changed since then. Kallie’s plan was to meet with Attorney Miller, plan a service for Maddie, put the house up for sale and go back home. It could be that easy, couldn’t it?
It would have been a whole lot less stressful if Cam had been able to come with her. But he had left that morning for London on a three weeklong business trip. He had been working day and night for the past six months to acquire an extraordinarily successful advertising agency in the UK. He was like a kid at Christmas as he packed that morning. As much as she had wanted to take him up on his offer to come along with her to Maine, she knew she couldn’t ask him to do that. He had worked so hard for this acquisition, and she wasn’t going to do anything to take away from that. It was important for him, and she was both proud of and happy for him. His work was what children are for some folks. Kallie’s work at the shelter meant the same for her so she completely understood the importance of her husband closing that deal.
Right from the very beginning of their relationship back at Mt. Vernon University, they had discussed having children and, in the end, agreed that children would not be in either of their futures. They both had reasons for not wanting to bring children into the world, but the agreement had been the same. Cameron was an only child that was far more interested in seeing how far he could go in the advertising world. A child would have been something he knew he would end up resenting and he didn’t want that. He worked extremely hard to start his advertising agency in D.C. and twenty years later, Douglas Enterprises Inc. was one of the most successful in the country. That was his baby. He didn’t need or want a child that would take time away from what he really wanted to do.
Kallie had her reasons also, although different from Cam’s. Deep seated memories, which were more like nightmares, of two alcoholic people who should have done anything in life but become parents, had helped to form her decision to never have children of her own, a long time ago. What did she know about raising a kid? Her role models were screaming, arguing drunks dodging coffee cups and dinner plates. For fear of ever becoming like them for a single second, she’d opted to avoid the parenting thing.
After college, she had done what she set out to do and she loved her work at the youth center. Those were her kids. She didn’t need children of her own, she was giving her time and attention to kids who would otherwise be running the streets and living in cardboard boxes. There were more than enough kids who needed her help, she didn’t need to give birth to any of her own. Their life together was complete just the way it was. Not that it had always been easy, nothing ever is. They went through the same difficulties that all couples go through early on in a relationship, but they had become so much stronger for it.
Cam was a good man who showed her the kind of love, respect, and support that she had not known existed until Maddie. His upbringing had been one that was completely different than her own. He lived in a charming home in a great neighborhood of Virginia. His father was an engineer who worked for Jackson Aeronautical in D.C. And though his father worked much of the time, Cam always knew, without question, that his dad loved and supported him. His mother worked as a librarian, and she also gave him the love and support that a child needs. When he shared stories from his childhood of holidays or birthday parties, Kallie tried to imagine herself in that world. Until she was ten years old, she had never known a life where a birthday was something to celebrate with a cake and presents. Nor did she know what a Christmas with gifts purchased from a store was like.
As an only child, Cam grew up blessed by the kind of life most children can only dream of. He hadn’t grown up spoiled or arrogant because of his parents’ privileges though. His parents had made sure of that. He learned to work hard at an early age for what he wanted in life. The fact that he could have been handed whatever he wanted, didn’t matter. His parents taught him the value of goals and demanding work. That drive hadn’t changed with age. He was still working hard and always challenging himself. Kallie loved that about him. If he didn’t know how to do something, he would find someone to teach him or he would jump in and figure it out on his own.
She smiled as she thought about how lucky she was to have a man who cared so much for her that he would be willing to postpone the biggest business deal he’d had in twenty years, to be there to support her. He knew it wasn’t going to be an easy trip for her, but he also knew she could handle it. She was hard wired to juggle twenty things at once and thrived while she did so. Kallie appreciated the support, even if it was from another continent.
“Welcome to Portland Jetport, folks! The weather is a sunny eighty-four degrees in Maine this afternoon. Thank you for flying with us and please enjoy your stay in Maine!” bellowed throughout the plane.
This was it. There was no turning back now. She was about a three- and half-hour drive from Somerfield, which meant that she was about three and a half hours from the worst people she had ever known in her life.
Fighting the nausea nerves as she exited the plane, she took a deep breath of fresh Maine air and said, “Here we go, girl. Hold on to the seat of your pants, it’s going to be a hell of a ride. Getting out of here in one piece will take nothing less than a miracle.”
She rented a car at the airport and headed North on I-95. There was no turning back now.
CHAPTER THREE
Driving North on Interstate 95, Kallie noticed that there seemed to be significantly more vehicles entering the state than were leaving in the southbound lane. As heavy as traffic was, in no way did it compare to the traffic flow in Virginia. Eventually, the rows of motels and car dealerships began to thin out giving way to not much of anything but lush, green pine and fir trees. Just a few miles further the traffic had all but disappeared until she was mostly alone on the highway. A soft evening light lay across the steep embankments on either side of the road.
Every now and again she passed a deer grazing on the grassy knolls. It always amazed her how they could go about their business of eating grass, with so many cars whizzing by and not seem to notice at all.
After a couple of hours any sign of buildings had disappeared as well. There was nothing ahead of her but blacktop and trees. The freshly paved highway rolled out like a long black and yellow ribbon. Except for a logging truck that passed every now and again, there wasn’t much to look at. She had forgotten how desolate the long stretches of highway could be in that section of the state. Her mind began to wander, and an old but familiar fear and dread began to creep up until it smacked her square in the chest. The gnawing in her gut that she had felt most of the day was back also. Stronger than ever. There was an aching in her chest that she hadn’t felt in an long time and hadn’t missed at all. She knew the sick feelings coming over her came from a dark, uncomfortable place that she had somehow managed to stuff into the hidden recesses of her soul so very long ago.
Her hands began to shake, and she gripped the steering wheel to steady them. One side of her brain kept nudging her to remember something. Something she had chosen to forget long ago. Whatever it was, she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around it just yet but was painfully aware that it was there just in the shadows of her brain. There was a part of her that knew some skeletons should never be resurrected and she quickly tried to think of something else. It was no use. She was beginning to feel like it was no longer her choice to make. What the hell was happening to her? She fought to keep her eyes that had started to water with hot, burning tears, on the road.
Images of her mother coming toward her, hitting her as she tried to protect her face with her hands. Memories of her father hauling off and smacking her beside the head. Horrible, painful cries from her sisters. They were all there. The memories spiraled faster and faster through her mind until she couldn’t fight back the flood gushing from her eyes. As the tears fell, she could barely see the road. She clicked the turn signal and pulled into the breakdown lane. She had to pull herself together. She had no idea what was going on inside of her, but she felt like she was losing her mind.
As a car flew by at breakneck speed jumping the daylights out of her, she thought of Cam and how she wished he were there with her. He was the strongest, most reassuring, supportive man she had ever known. What she wouldn’t have given to have him in the car with her at that moment. That wasn’t an option, and she knew it. It was important that he be exactly where he was for the time being. She could do this. She was a strong woman who had lived through so much worse. She wasn’t going to let the ghosts of her childhood memories get the best of her. Besides, they were memories, not reality. They couldn’t hurt her now. Could they?
Cradling the steering wheel, she bawled aloud. She saw Connie’s face laughing at her. Mocking her, telling her what a failure she was over and over. Like a record stuck in the same groove. The old, much too familiar tunes, spinning in her head. “Useless, little bitch who will end up turning tricks on some street corner and have six kids before ya ever get to high school.” and “Ms. Hoity Toity who thinks her shit don’t stink but can’t see she ain’t nothing but trash!” played at warp speed, louder and louder. What was going on? Was she losing her mind? How was she going to get that cork back in the genie bottle now that it had popped off on its own?
She thought she had erased those monstrous, degrading tirades from that woman, a long time ago. Apparently, she had been very wrong about that.
“Living through it once was enough! I can’t go through it again! I just can’t!” came from somewhere deep in her throat. At first, she wondered where the sounds had come from. Was that her voice? That angry, vicious, determined sound had come from her?
Creating Kallie Douglas had not been easy. She had worked so extremely hard to kill off Kahlua Jansen. And suddenly there she was. The terrified, little girl was back. At that moment, she felt like time had stood still for the past thirty years or so. She almost felt like she had never left the sad dysfunctional hell hole at all. Everything she had worked so hard for…the self- respect, the confidence and most of all, the peace of mind, were quickly disappearing before her very eyes.
