Your Knife, My Heart, page 22
Cameron’s eyes widen as if the words have struck him.
He doesn’t pursue me this time. He glances down and seems to process that single word. I take the reprieve to inspect him. Cameron is completely covered in blood. Most of it isn’t his, but his thigh has a combat knife sticking out of it, only visible by the handle. Does he even know? I steady my breaths and force myself to stop shaking.
“Um, Cameron. You have a knife sticking out of your thigh,” I say slowly.
His eyes narrow and a lovely smirk draws the corners of his mouth up. “I’m well aware.” He tuts, tearing the knife out in one fell swoop and sheathing it quickly so he can tourniquet his wound. He pulls out tape from his leg pocket and wraps his thigh tightly.
I grimace. “Let’s get back before you keel over and other squads come looking to attack us. We’ve already lost so much time this morning.” I try to keep his mind off potentially killing me. He has that feral look in his eyes still. Like he’s half here and half somewhere far off in his head.
“That’s what she’s for.” He motions to the dead cadet. I raise a brow. “A warning. A damn good one too. Would you try chasing after someone who left a person like that?” he says with a loose grin.
My blood goes cold and I shake my head. “No, of course I wouldn’t.”
“Good girl. Don’t go chasing men like me.” His voice is raspy from the chase, and blood starts to trickle down his nose. I look away, reminded of what happened the last time I showed him I cared about him.
Which I don’t.
I motion for Cameron to walk ahead of me. Letting him be out of my eyesight is not an option right now. I find myself curious to see his methods. It’s difficult to avoid letting my eyes travel back to the mutilated woman, but I manage. The scent of iron stinging the back of my throat helps.
He walks casually, not even with a limp. I still find it hard to believe he feels nothing. Even seeing it firsthand seems so unreal. He’s like a zombie. His gloved hands are bright red, still dripping into the snow and leaving a trail.
“I can feel your gaze. Do you still think I’m worth caring about, Em?”
I don’t answer right away. It feels like bait for something he’s been thinking about, and I don’t want to give in to whatever it is. I settle with muttering, “Earlier you said, ‘How do you think I won the first time around.’ What did you mean by that?” I focus on the footprints in the snow behind his feet.
Feeling helpless isn’t something I’m used to, and Cameron makes me feel helpless. Even wounded, I have no doubt he could take on a whole squad alone if he had to. Are the medications really that effective? I eye his pocket, curious how many pills he’s already taken today alone.
His pace slows. “Do you honestly want to know?” he says blandly.
I consider it for a few seconds before replying, “Yeah.”
Cameron glances over his shoulder at me. His eyes have fallen dull again, and he seems to be over the dangerous adrenaline spike. I let my pace slow when I reach his side.
“Believe it or not, I wasn’t always…this bad,” he murmurs with a fake smile. Everything else about his expression is stone. “I was like everyone else and just as likely to die. Possibly more so because I was handpicked by Lieutenant Erik. Cadets in the Under notice things like that, you know.”
“I didn’t know he was the one who picked you up,” I mutter, remembering the way Erik watched Cameron train the morning I met him. Is he the reason that Cameron is so determined to continue taking the test medications? He wants to make him proud. I’m sullen at the thought.
I was never able to make my father proud. But most of that is attributed to me not being a man, I think. No matter what I achieved, it would be deemed worthless to him unless I had a fucking penis. It makes me wonder if he would’ve turned me in so readily like he did if I was his son and not his daughter. I doubt he would’ve done it to Reed if our places were switched.
Cameron nods. “He was. He introduced me to a terrible world, one I unfortunately fit quite well in.” He flashes me a wry grin, so I offer a small one in return. “This trial was also my second one. I teamed up with some pricks who were going to try to use me like a shield and carry my carcass over the finish line. We didn’t know that there were two squads working together. They had us surrounded on the last day. I got away with a bullet to the arm and half my throat slit.”
I wince. “That’s awful.”
He chuckles. “It’s hard to remember the pain, but I know I felt it then. It was agonizing, but my anger for them using my body to protect their own lit a dark fire in my heart, Em. It stirred up something evil within me. I tied ropes to their ankles and hauled all four of their dead bodies to the beacon. I was the only survivor of our group.” His eyes are hard and distant.
Oh fuck. Maybe I shouldn’t have let that guy go. I worry my lower lip. I didn’t think someone would be capable of carrying their whole squad.
Cameron takes a deep breath and glances at me from the side. “I know you let the last one go.”
I flinch. Well shit, I’m caught. No sense in lying. “How did you know?” I say quietly. Shame flushes across my cheeks, and I wish I’d just killed him.
“Your knife is clean, love. I have eyes and a brain.”
My lips press firmly together as I glance down. Looks like the ivory blade wasn’t such a great idea after all.
“He begged…and I didn’t think he was going to be a problem for us.”
“I’m just curious why? You wouldn’t have done something like that before, you know, as the executioner.” He seems genuinely interested in knowing why.
I let my shoulders drop. “That was the skin I was forced into…and while I can’t change who I’ve become or what I’ve done, I can be a bit more of myself again. I didn’t think letting him go would cause a problem.” Is the only way forward heartlessness? Reed would say a resounding “yes.”
Cameron stops and turns my shoulder so I’m facing him. He’s not manic anymore, he’s back to calm and collected Cam—the broken soldier I unfortunately really care about.
“Do you think he would’ve done the same for you?” he asks honestly.
I don’t need to think about it. “No.”
“It’s you or them, Emery. There is no in between. There is no middle ground. If they aren’t on your immediate squad, you need to choose you and your own first. Always. I know it’s different from what you’re used to from the family. Being given a name and target is easy. There’s someone telling you what to do, so you do it. But out here, you need to know that they’ll eat you alive if you give them the chance.”
He sets his hand on my helmet and tilts my head up so I’m looking at him. All I see in him is sadness and longing. It hurts to look at, so I jerk my head back down. I won’t let the shit he said earlier slide that easy.
“I get it,” I retort.
“Do you? This is serious,” he doubles down.
“I know it is!”
“Then stop being so childish. And stop accepting things from people you don’t know well.” Cameron reaches for my combat knife and takes it from the hilt. I try to catch his hand as he retrieves it, but he swats it away. “Poison is a terrible idea to have on your blade.”
He scoops up a handful of snow and rubs away the streak of red from the knife. When he’s done, he hands it back to me. I want to object and argue with him, but considering the fact that his knife was just lodged deep in his thigh, I relent.
“If I had allowed that sketchy kid to rub poison on my knife, I’d be dead right now.” He turns away from me.
Well, I feel thoroughly wrung out. I walk beside him as we make our way back to the camp.
Damian is pretty shaken up from being shot in the chest three times. He’s lucky he was wearing an upgraded vest. The standard ones we had in the first trial wouldn’t have held up against the point-blank shots. Thank God I told him and Bree about them; otherwise he would be dead, and we’d be stuck carrying his body for two days.
Bryce seems unfazed by the whole ordeal and made a few of his poison traps while Cameron and I were chasing down the remaining squad members. He lays them out and brushes snow over them so they’re completely hidden.
Cameron makes a pointed look my way, as if saying Sketchy, don’t you think? before leading us down a steep slope toward the eastern mountains. I watch Bryce as he walks a few beats behind Bree. He’s concerningly calm after the surprise attack, considering the rest of us seem shaken up, besides Cameron. There is something different about him. Though I’m not sure it’s enough to think he has ill intent. We’re all a bit quirky.
The green beacon isn’t visible during the day, but dead east is where it was last night, so that’s the direction where we go. The sun does nothing to help warm us. I’m so cold that I have to fist my hands inside my gloves to warm my fingers up every thirty minutes.
Gunshots ring out occasionally and travel through the air in waves, but luckily we don’t cross paths with anyone else throughout the day.
As the sun begins to set, Cameron finds a cave in the mountainside. It’s not like the caves you see in movies where the ground is flat and basically perfect for camping; it’s littered with sharp-edged rocks at the base, and a small stream bends through the crevices. Drops of liquid drip from the stalactites above, ticking on our helmets as we carefully traverse the cave. Light has never known this place. We each have a dull green glow stick around our necks at least, so it’s not a shot in the dark. Four remain in my pocket, and I plan on using them sparingly.
I suddenly feel like we’re back in the comforts of the Under. It’s certainly just as daunting in here as it was down there.
Cameron stops when we find a relatively flat area near the back. We let our guard down now that it’s been cleared and settle for a few hours of rest. Last night, sleep seemed impossible, but tonight I’m exhausted. I know I won’t have any trouble falling asleep, and I’m eager for it.
Cameron won’t let us go without one person standing watch even though Bryce littered the entrance with his nail traps. It’s probably protocol on the Dark Forces squads to always have someone standing watch.
Bree takes the first shift, sitting on a rock a bit away from where we’ll be sleeping. Damian passes out before he can even eat his MRE. The bag remains closed in his hand and soft snores drift up from him.
I nibble on the contents of mine. Focusing mainly on the cornbread and then the applesauce. The protein powder in this one is chocolate. I mix it with water and quickly drink it, savoring the familiar taste for as long as I can.
Cameron plops down next to me, eyeing Bryce sitting across the small cave carefully before biting into his bread.
“Don’t trust the poisoner?” I ask wryly.
He scoffs and takes another bite. “Rule number infinity: don’t trust anyone.”
“Sounds about right.” I grin at the way that’s exactly how Reed would say it.
We finish our meals quietly. It sucks not having a pillow, but I’m grateful we can lie down to sleep tonight rather than leaning against trees. The moment my head hits the ground I start to drift off.
Cameron settles in behind me. I jolt back to consciousness and glance over my shoulder at him with a what the fuck look, because last I recall, he hated my touch.
“Go to sleep,” he orders softly.
I frown and whisper, “I thought you hated me and the thought of even touching me repulsed you and—”
“Hush,” he murmurs teasingly and presses his hand softly against my helmet until my head is against the ground again. “I’m keeping you safe.”
I stare into the dark, barely seeing Bree’s figure as she watches the entrance of the cave. “Safe from what? You need to sleep too.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t sleep on missions.”
Either he’s the strongest soldier on the planet, or he’s literally dedicated to dying a miserably slow death. It could actually be both, I decide.
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
I purse my lips and whisper, “What has you so on edge about Bryce?”
Cameron is quiet for a moment before pressing his chest completely against my back and bringing his lips to my ear. “He’s casing us. He observes every little habit each of us has, and during the raid earlier, he didn’t so much as lift a finger to help. I don’t think he was the last cadet chosen. He’s too witty and confident. His true alliance is not to us.” He sounds so sure.
If I trust anyone, it’s Cameron. And he’s far more intuitive in the Dark Forces world than I am. Now that he mentions it, I have noticed that Bryce has been eyeing my knife since the fight. Has he been trying to see if I had used it or not? Or if poison still taints the tip?
A small gasp escapes my lips as a revelation hits me. “Why did he rub poison on his blade if he wasn’t going to help us in the fight?” I whisper. Didn’t Bryce even tell us that he wasn’t good in up close combat? A slip in his fabricated demeanor.
Cameron hums low, and the vibration crawls along my spine, sending a shiver through me. “Exactly. Now get some rest.”
I scowl, not that he can see it. “Stop ordering me around. You’ve been relentless today.”
He chuckles softly and twirls my braid around his finger. The motion makes me smile as I shut my eyes.
26
EMERY
It’s still dark out when we resume our trek toward the beacon. The pine trees don’t make it any easier to see it, but the distant green glow is somewhat visible when we reach breaks in the boughs above. The starlit sky is vast tonight.
I stop to take it in. It reminds me so much of the view in Montana that for a moment I feel back at home. Though after the fallout in the last family operation, I suppose I don’t really have a home anymore. I’m curious what Nolan wrote in my death certificate and if anyone believes it. I hope my mom still wonders if I’m actually dead or not. Has Reed searched for me? If anyone cares about me, it’s him.
Bree nudges me and gives me a concerned look. I shake the thoughts and give her a reassuring smile. We’re both trailing Cameron, Damian, and Bryce. The pace is slow, but we’re being more vigilant as we get closer to the beacon. Other squads are likely nearby.
“What were you thinking about?” Bree inquires.
I glance at her before looking forward. “My parents, if they care that I’m dead or not. Wondering if I ever lived up to who I actually wanted to be.” My voice is nonchalant, but it stings to face that thought. Bryce casts a glance over his shoulder at my words before looking back ahead.
Her eyes narrow with sympathy. “Oh, don’t go there. I fell into a rut for like a month after I started dwelling on my past life.” She laughs and lifts her chin to look at the sky. “This is your life now. It could end today. It could end tomorrow. Or you’ll be here longer than Mori has been. One thing is certain: you can never go back to your old life. So there’s no use in dwelling on it. That girl is dead, and it could actually be a good thing. I don’t know what your circumstances were, but now you’re free to just be you.”
I nod and smile. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“Of course I am.” Bree lifts her chin with a grin pulling the fabric of her mask.
Damian casts a look over his shoulder and scowls at us. “Focus, you two. It’s not gossip hour.”
“Shut up.” Bree plants her boot on his ass and laughs.
I soak in the soft sounds and light humor, wondering if Cameron still has the capacity to enjoy these moments or if he knows better than to indulge in them.
His icy side-eye over his shoulder tells me it’s the latter.
The last day feels surreal. The sun is mid-sky as we cross a patch of treeless land. Cameron briefs us that we’re getting close and to stay on high alert from here on out. We surveil the area for almost thirty minutes, lying flat on the ground and waiting for any signs of movement on either side of the valley before Cameron signals for us to move.
I keep low to the ground like Cameron is, and stay hot on his heels. My trigger finger is practically frozen solid, but I’m prepared for anything. It’s so unlike what I’ve done in the past, I’m not used to being in the open like this. Vulnerable and waiting for someone to shoot at us. I shudder at the thought that we’re likely being watched this very moment.
Damian flanks me, and when we reach the other end, he lets out an audible sigh. “Fuck, I didn’t think we were going to make it,” he says as he leans over and places his hands on his knees while he takes a few deep breaths.
Bryce adjusts his glasses and tries to defog them. “Same here, I’m sweating like a goddamn pig.” I nod, feeling the cold sweat that’s clinging to my lower back and neck.
Cameron grabs Bryce’s vest by the shoulder straps and hauls him forward. “Get going, we can’t stay put here. It’s not safe.”
Damian groans and walks beside Bryce. Bree comes up to my side and smacks my back. “This wasn’t nearly as bad as the first trial. I could do shit like this all fucking day.” The last word leaves her lips as a gunshot rings out and narrowly misses her face. The tree adjacent to her has a hole blown into it. Wood splinters at us, and panic jump-starts my heart.
“Get down!” Cameron shouts. I instantly fall to my knees and watch as his eyes feverishly search for the shooter.
My blood pulses loudly in my ears, making it hard to listen for footsteps. Fuck. I bring the scope of my rifle to my eye and frantically search for the squad attacking us. All I can make out are trees and bushes and rocks. My eyes quickly scroll over something darker than the foliage. I trace back, heart skipping a beat.
A masked cadet is staring straight back at me. I don’t hesitate. I pull the trigger and send a bullet straight into their neck. They pull up and accidentally fire off their weapon into the treetops. Cameron tracks them swiftly, and he puts another bullet straight into their forehead.
“Move!” he urges us. Bree is shooting at a cadet hiding behind a tree while Bryce and Damian are covering our front. They lead us away, and we move as stealthily as we can in an attempt to shake the remaining pursuers. I can’t find them no matter how hard I scour the area, but I know there are more of them out there.
