Tough Guy, page 17
I eyed her skeptically, but nodded anyway. “Okay. Well, I’m happy to help if you need it.”
She smiled over her coffee at me. “You’re fitting in nicely, Lou.”
“Mmm,” I mumbled, not wanting to confirm, though I wasn’t sure why. It was a compliment, and Daphne wasn’t wrong. It felt good to be part of something—to be part of this something, but I also worried, because being part of something meant I would eventually lose it.
I shook my head. I was letting myself get swept up. Deep breath. My plans didn’t have to change. I could hold this time for what it was, enjoy it and be present. When it was time to move on, it was time to move on. Simple. I would not get caught out here and risk more than just my safety.
“I heard you, you know,” Daphne said, cutting through my thoughts. She set her mug down and was running her finger along the lip of it. “I heard you sneak back into the house. Heard you talking with Logan. I heard you leave again, and then I didn’t hear you come back.” She picked up her coffee again and took an exaggerated sip. “Not that it’s my business.”
The blush on my face was immediate, giving away any chance for denial.
“Unless you want to make it my business.” She took another loud sip, her eyebrows nearly raised to the top of her hairline.
The morning light created an ethereal glow around Daphne’s blonde hair, making her seem angelic. The softness made her encouragement less intimidating. Or maybe I just wanted a friend. It’d been a long time since I had someone I could talk to, and a long time since I had something exciting to talk about.
“We, um. We… connected.” I cringed as I said it. I was obviously unpracticed in girl talk.
Daphne’s eyes went wide. “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!” she exclaimed, slapping the counter. “I did not expect that from my big brother.” She fanned her face. “Oh dear. Lou. Lou.” Her head was shaking in what I hoped was approval. “You blew through a wall right there. I swore that man would never let himself be happy again.”
“You think he’s happy?” I took down another couple of mugs, one for myself and one for Tabby, who wandered into the kitchen and took a seat at the table.
“Bennet?” Tabby jumped in. “He’s happy as a tick on a fat dog, I guarantee it.”
I frowned. Was I the fat dog?
Daphne laughed. “Happier than a hog eatin’ slop, I bet.”
Was I the slop in that scenario? My frown deepened, and both women laughed. “Those are good things, Lou,” Tabby comforted. “Logan said he’s never seen Bennet more shaken up by someone.”
Daphne grinned at Tabby. “Oh? Logan says?”
Tabby smirked and flipped her off. Daphne returned the gesture.
“Cut it out. Family dinner has passed and there will be no fist fights in my kitchen on any other day,” I said. Both turned to me and flipped me off. “Guess I am fitting in,” I muttered into my coffee.
Darel returned soon after with the bagels and we ate at the table as the kids emerged from their beds and ran amok in the house. Bean asked to play with Brenda, but when I looked out front, Bennet’s truck was gone.
“Sorry Bean,” I told her. “Bennet has gone to work already.”
She pouted. “It’s not fair,” she complained, her arms crossed. “Can we get our own dog?”
I did not want to have this conversation in front of others. Daphne, Tabby, and Darel politely acted disinterested as they sat around the table chatting, but I sensed ears were tuning in. I’d never lived in a small town before, but I was picking up pretty quickly that privacy had a very broad interpretation regarding the business of others.
“No, sweetie,” I said sympathetically. “I know you want one, but we just can’t.”
She stomped her foot. “Why?” she demanded. “I want one.” Her cheeks were turning red, and she held her breath angrily.
“Bean!” I was taken aback. This wasn’t like her. Sure, she could have her moment, like any kid, but Bean wasn’t usually one to make demands, and certainly not one to pout about it.
I heard Daphne exhale and mutter under her breath. “About to pitch a fit, that one…”
I glared at her, and she dropped her head back into the pretend conversation at the table.
“Bean, you know we can’t get a pet. It makes it… It complicates things for us.”
Tears welled in the corners of her eyes, and she let out a breath. “Why? We can bring a dog with us when we go on an adventure, Mama. I’ll feed it and take care of it, promise. I’ll scoop its poop, too. Bennet showed me how.” She said it so earnestly that I thought my heart was going to crack. I wanted so badly to give Bean a normal childhood, but I felt woefully inadequate in my abilities. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was because I couldn’t. Our lives weren’t simple or uncomplicated.
My hand reached to run through her curls, but she pulled back and glared at me. I kneeled down to face her instead. “It has nothing to do with how well you’d take care of a dog, Bean. I know you’d take the best care of a dog—or any pet. You have the biggest heart and the kindest thoughts. But we can’t do it. Dogs don’t do well with adventures like ours,” I said softly, trying to keep my voice down and settle Bean’s upset. If I were being honest, it also embarrassed me to have an audience for this conversation. Witnesses to my inadequacies.
Bean’s cheeks puffed, and she gave a small scream of frustration, stomping her foot at the same time. “I don’t want to go on these stupid adventures. You never ask me, and I hate them. I hate you! I wish you weren’t my mom!” She burst into tears and ran out of the kitchen, sobbing.
I kneeled on the kitchen floor, feeling gut punched and trying to catch my breath. It wasn’t coming. Oh my god. I can’t breathe. I’m going to die.
“Hey,” Daphne said softly, placing her hand on my shoulder. “Let me help you up.” She tugged gently on my elbow and pulled me to stand. I blinked a few times, unable to do anything other than stare. “She doesn’t hate you,” Daphne went on. “She’s just mad, that’s all. Kids say mean things when they’re mad.”
I nodded, staring blankly at the blazing path Bean set out of the kitchen. “I should go talk to her,” I said in a whisper.
Daphne guided me to the table and sat me in a chair. “Give her a minute, darlin’. Take one for yourself, too.” She gave Tabby and Darel some sort of look that said they needed to leave, and they stood up, saying nothing, and cleared the room.
I wish you weren’t my mom!
I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath. Of all the things for her to say. She knew better, and she said it anyway.
“She’s angry,” I said, opening my eyes and refocusing on the kitchen. The rose wallpaper along the dining room nook, the shiplap lining the walls, the stainless-steel fridge reflecting the sunshine, bouncing onto a crystal candle holder on the windowsill, and sending a fractal of rainbows along the window above the sink. I felt the soft cushion on my seat, the way the indentations of the decorative buttons pressed into my thighs. The stiffness of the back of the chair, holding my spine straight when I wanted to collapse.
“She should be angry. I’ve dragged her all over and it’s more than any five-year-old should have to deal with.”
Daphne nodded, watching my hands as I fiddled anxiously with the placemat in front of me. “You surely have a good reason for it,” she said kindly.
Did I? Did I, really? Was running a good reason? At that moment, it felt like cowardice. I spent years running instead of fighting. As if it were self-preservation, but my preservation came at the cost of my daughter’s wellbeing. Was I really protecting her? I shook my head. Fuck. Everything felt turned around and uncertain.
“Hey,” Daphne said, tapping the table. “Let me take her today, okay?”
“Bean?”
She nodded. “Yeah. I’ll call in. Meg and Charlotte can handle breakfast and lunch without me. Mondays are usually quiet anyway. Darel and Johnny are going fishing. Bean and I can tag along. I bet that little girl hasn’t held a fishing pole before, has she?”
I sniffled and shook my head, trying not to cry. “No, just one more experience she’s missed out on.”
Daphne dropped her head and looked at me sternly. “She’s five, Lou. It’s one experience she hasn’t had yet, and today she’ll get it. You get some more sleep and just relax, okay? I’m guessing it’s been a long time since you’ve been still.”
It had been. I’d never had help with Bean, from family or otherwise. We hadn’t ever had a community of people around us. My brain shouted no! Do not let other people take on your responsibilities. Your load is yours to carry. My gut told me to ignore my head, though. The good people find their way into your life when they’re needed. Welcome them with open arms.
“Are you sure?”
Daphne nodded and stood up. “Positive. Go talk to Bean, let her know, send her down, and go back to bed. Go on, scoot.” She waved me away.
I found Bean lying face down on her bed, her head buried in a pillow. “Knock, knock,” I said, rapping my knuckle on her door. “Can I come in, Bean?”
She said nothing, but I let myself inside the room. “You’re angry with me, and I don’t blame you,” I said, sitting on the edge of her bed. She shook her head, keeping it buried. I sighed. “I’m angry with me, too, Bean. This isn’t how I wanted things to be for you, and I’m sorry. I love you so much, and your happiness is important to me. The decisions I make for us are never because I don’t care about you or love you. It’s because I want to keep us safe, and sometimes that means really hard sacrifices. It’s not fair, I know, and I’m sorry for it.”
Bean sniffled and sat up finally, looking at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I’m sorry, Mama. I do wish you were my mom. My tummy hurt when I said it.” Her bottom lip trembled as she looked at me, those wide eyes scared and confused.
I pulled her into me and squeezed her tight. “Nothing you ever say could make me stop loving you. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean, and I know you didn’t mean that.”
Bean nodded and nuzzled her head into my chest. “I'm lucky you wanted me. I’m lucky I got you,” she mumbled.
I blew out a breath and looked at the ceiling, trying not to cry on her. “No, sweet girl. I’m lucky I got you. There’s nothing better in this universe than being your mama.” We held each other tight, clinging. “No matter what, no matter where we are, no matter what happens—I am your mama, Bean. Me.”
She looked up and nodded, wiping her nose. “Okay.”
“You want to go fishing?” I asked her, smoothing her hair and brushing it back into place. I ran a thumb under her eye to wipe away the last of her tears.
Bean scrunched up her face. “Like, go get fish? With one of those sticks?”
I smiled. “A fishing pole,” I said. “And yes, go get fish with a fishing pole.”
She grinned. “Oh yes, please!” She hopped off the bed and headed to the door. “Let’s go, Mama.”
When I explained that she’d be going with Daphne, Darel, and Johnny, I worried Bean would backtrack and decide not to go. Maybe she’d have an emotional hangover that resulted in excessive clinginess. It happened often enough that we’d dealt with it before. It certainly didn’t help that Bean spent most of her time with me anyway, but to my surprise, she didn’t bat an eye at the idea of leaving without me. I wasn’t sure if this made me feel better about sending her.
I was always afraid I was going to lose her, certain that Michael was going to get to her somehow. I’d never thought that maybe she was going to pull away from me.
I woke up from my nap with the sense that I wasn’t alone, and when I opened my eyes, I nearly jumped to see that there was, in fact, someone else with me.
“What the fuck?” I screamed, jumping up and pulling the sheets over me, eyes wild and desperate to find a weapon to fend off the intruder.
“Calm down, Lou,” Bennet’s deep voice comforted. “It’s just me.” He sat on the ottoman at the foot of my bed, calmly watching me. “You didn’t answer the door when I knocked, so I let myself in.”
My heart struggled to steady, but my legs stopped shaking. I collapsed on the bed, unsure whether I wanted to laugh or yell. “You can’t let yourself in, Bennet. I don’t care if you have a key or not.”
His brows furrowed defensively. “Hey, you left the door unlocked, Lou. You’re lucky it was me and not some creeper.”
“Right now, you seem like some creeper! Sitting at the end of my bed just watching me without my knowing.” I crossed my arms and shook my head.
Bennet smiled. “I wasn’t here long, and besides, you look pretty sweet when you’re sleeping and that big mouth of yours is quiet.”
I shot him a look that was some combination of glare and embarrassment. “It’s creepy to watch someone sleep when they’re unaware you’re doing it.”
He shrugged. “Next time, I’ll wake you up first. Sound all right?”
“Yes.” I uncrossed my arms but stayed a few feet away from him. “Besides, I don’t want anyone watching me sleep. What if I snore?”
He ran a hand over the back of his neck and shrugged again. “So what if you do? You think that’s the most offensive thing to come from you?”
“Bennet James!” I screeched.
He laughed and held his hands up playfully. “I just meant you can have some pretty biting quips from that sweet mouth of yours.”
“Oh.” I blushed.
Bennet reached between his feet and pulled something from a bag, tossing it to me on the bed. “Besides,” he said. “If you had a damn phone, I could have just called you in the first place and asked if I could come in.”
A cell phone bounced along the quilt, landing a few inches from me. I picked it up, examining it like I didn’t know what it was. “You got me a phone?”
He nodded. “Yes. They’re these really convenient devices to help you communicate with people. You talk into it, and they talk back. It’s pretty wild, actually.”
I ignored his sarcasm and stared down at it, swallowing nervously. “Is it in my name?”
He gave me an odd look and shook his head. “No, Lou. I added you to my family plan.” He looked embarrassed for a moment, then stood up and picked up the bag. “You can’t go without a phone.” He hesitated. “Especially if you’re planning on going anywhere.”
He didn’t explicitly say it, but I knew what he meant. If I was planning on going anywhere… Like leaving Townsville.
“I can transfer it and take it with me,” I lied, knowing that I’d ditch the phone as soon as it was in my name.
Bennet shook his head. “Let me take care of it.” I opened my mouth to argue, and he held his hand up. “Please, Lou. Let this be one thing you’re not fighting me on.” His voice got softer. “Please. I can’t have you out there thinking you don’t have it.” He shuffled his feet, staring down at them. “Or thinking I can’t get a hold of you ever again.” He swallowed and cleared his throat.
I looked at the phone in my hands and nodded, saying nothing else. This was not how I expected my Monday to go.
“Hey,” I said quickly, looking up. “It’s Monday. Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
His hand ran faster over the back of his neck, like he was nervous. “I took the day off.”
“Why?” I eyed him curiously. Something wasn’t adding up, but I wasn’t sure if I should push or not.
He slid off the ottoman and over to the bed, tucking one leg under him as he sat across from me. He was wearing a pair of Carhartts and a plain cotton t-shirt. Simple, utilitarian for his work, but it made my stomach flip-flop.
“There’s this girl I know who’s prone to getting herself into precarious situations, and she doesn't even have a cell phone. It demanded an immediate remedy.”
I tugged on the collar of his shirt and scooted closer to him. “Is that so? Precarious, you say?”
He nodded. “Yeah. Precarious.”
“Like having creepers in her house?”
Bennet feigned a pained look, and I pulled myself into his lap, wrapping my hands behind his neck and kissing him in apology. “You can creep on me anytime,” I mumbled, my breath picking up as I felt the swell of him beneath me. “I kind of think you want to creep on me right now.” I reached between us and ran my hand along his length, feeling butterflies when I remembered the fullness of him.
He groaned with each stroke, his hand gripping my hips and pulling me closer to him as he got harder and harder. “Lou,” he said warningly.
The way he said my name made my insides flip. The need to feel friction broke every worry I had about cell phones or leaving town. My body took over, the desire within me leading everything in that moment with no worry about the future and no sadness about the past.
“I’ve been thinking about nothing but you,” he mumbled, his lips moving to my neck and sucking gently just below my ear. I melted, my body feeling like jelly. “You like that, Lou.” He chuckled. “I love the way you fold when I kiss you there.”
Oh god.
My breathing picked up and my hips ground into him, his cock running along me through an undesired barrier of clothing. I reached for the button on Bennet’s pants, but he grabbed my hand. “Slower,” he mumbled. “I want to take my time with you.”
Everything in my core lit up, and when Bennet ran his hands along my thighs, cupping my ass, I thought I was going to explode. It was as if he’d awakened a part of me that had long been dormant. A part of me I hadn’t even known existed. The way his touch made me want more—more of everything. It was unfamiliar yet seemed like I’d never not needed that touch.
“Slower,” I repeated through a languid circling of my hips. Bennet groaned, his hand sliding from my ass cheek to the top of my thigh. He ran along my leg deliberately, working up beneath the opening of my shorts, cupping my mound over my panties. He touched me in slow strokes, the pressure of his palm making me moan. I shook my head. “Actually, not slower, Bennet. Please, not slower.”
