Tough Guy, page 11
“You like your planets, Bennet?”
He shrugged. “I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid.”
The thought of Bennet as a child with dreams was endearing, and it made me smile. “That’s sweet,” I said sincerely.
“My dad used to take me to Houston every summer growing up. We spent days at the Kennedy Space Center. He took me for rocket launches when he could.” Bennet smiled to himself, taking in the memory. That felt endearing to me too.
“One year we went, and Kyle was maybe ten. He was tired, cranky, and hungry, and Dad had no patience for it. We missed the launch because he had to drag Kyle out. It was the last time he took me. I got busy with high school and sports and my dad died a couple of years later.” Bennet sighed. “Kyle still apologizes about that.”
“Kyle?” I asked in disbelief. “Like, Kyle, your brother? Apologizes?”
Bennet looked at me and grinned. “You met him, huh?”
“I did,” I whistled. “Oh, I did.”
There was a soft laugh and Bennet tucked his hands in the pocket of his jeans, nodding at the ground. “He’s the lively one of the bunch.”
I hesitated for a moment, unsure of how comfortable Bennet would be to talk about his family. I certainly avoided talking about mine.
“Were you and your dad close?”
Bennet nodded and crossed his arms over his chest protectively. “We were. I looked up to my dad quite a lot.” He looked back at the sky, saying nothing else, and I wasn’t going to push for more.
“You have a wonderful family,” I said, leaning against the hood of my car and looking at Bennet as he avoided my eyes. The crickets and katydids played a symphony around us in the stifling blanket of warmth that was familiar for a summer night this far south. There was no breeze to cool the temperature, and a small prickling of sweat started along my brow. I wiped it away, but there really was no point. It would return in just a moment, even leaning against this car doing nothing.
Bennet kicked the ground one last time before coming over next to me and leaning against the car too. He crossed his arms, and the way they looked in his t-shirt as he stood so close to me made my knees a little shaky.
“Do you have a family?” he asked.
I blew out a breath. “How to answer that…” I said, trailing off.
Bennet smiled. “Usually just with the truth, Lou. It doesn’t have to be complicated.”
It doesn’t have to be complicated. I suppose he was right.
“My mother died several years ago. She was… something else. I didn’t know my father, not really. I saw a picture of him once. He was handsome,” I said thoughtfully, as if it mattered somehow. I guess when you don’t know your parent, any information becomes important and invaluable. “I have a sister. Last I knew, she was in Florida. We haven’t spoken in a long time. That's it.”
"Bean's dad?" he asked softly, his voice somehow easing me into answering instead of shutting the conversation down.
"He's not in the picture any longer."
Maybe sensing my discomfort, Bennet moved on. “Are you the older or the younger sibling?” he asked, looking up at the window of his apartment.
The thought suddenly hit me. What if he wasn’t alone up there? I’d been so dumb to not consider that possibility earlier. My face flamed, and I was grateful that the porch light didn’t illuminate the driveway.
“Guess,” I encouraged.
Bennet ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. “Guessing with women is dangerous business.”
The laugh that escaped me was completely unexpected. I nearly choked on it, blushing deeper. Bennet seemed so serious most of the time that when he joked or was playful, it caught me unawares. He smiled at me, like he knew this, too.
“You’re independent and self-sufficient,” he observed. Debatable, but okay. “You speak your mind with ease.” Mostly true. “But you’re stubborn like you expect to get your way. You’re the youngest.”
“I–” I stopped myself. “Yes, I am the youngest,” I conceded. “But all of your other points are unrelated. Just a coincidence.” I bit my bottom lip contemplatively between my teeth.
He looked at me, his expression unreadable. There was almost a tenderness in his eyes, but I didn’t want to dare attribute his motion to it. Bennet reached for me, his thumb out, and placed it on my chin, gently tugging my lip from my teeth.
Holy shit. He is going to kiss me.
He didn’t though, maybe to my disappointment. Just turned his head and went back to staring in front of him.
“You’re stubborn too, you know,” I huffed. This made him laugh.
“Is that so, Lou?”
I turned my body toward him, ready for a lively argument, but he didn’t give it to me. He sighed and crossed his arms again. “I can be,” he agreed. “When it’s needed. I can also not be. When it’s not.”
“That’s very mature of you,” I mumbled. It actually was. That made me feel embarrassed. For myself.
“Stubborn isn’t bad, Tough Guy,” he said, patting my arm and pushing off from the car. “You just gotta know when it’s needed. You don’t have to fight everything or everyone in this world.”
He headed toward the apartment stairs, waving over his shoulder. “Goodnight, Lou.”
I watched him go, a settling in my stomach that I couldn’t quite touch. There were hints of sadness to it, pieces of excitement, but it was mostly disappointment. I enjoyed his company under the dark sky, and I hadn’t wanted him to go so soon.
“Goodnight, Bennet,” I called back, heading inside. He didn’t turn around, and I didn’t expect him to, though I wondered if he would surprise me.
Tabby was inside, reading on the couch, when I came in. She gave me a sweet smile and folded her book in her lap.
“Hey, Lou,” she said, holding a yawn. “Bean went to bed a couple hours ago and hasn’t made a peep. She’s such a sweet girl.” Tabby stood up, stretching. “You sure it’s okay that Alex and Dylan stay?”
I nodded, giving her a warm smile. “Of course. You’re doing me a huge favor in watching Bean while I work and there’s no need to move them unnecessarily. Come get them in the morning. Get a good night's sleep on your own.” Tabby blushed at this, but just nodded.
“Mhm.”
“Besides,” I said, pulling my shoes off and bouncing slightly on my toes to stretch my feet. “There are bunk beds for a reason.”
Tabby looked apprehensive but agreed. “Mama put them in a few years ago. She hoped Bennet would move in here eventually. The kids would have sleepovers with their favorite uncle. Family dinners. Maybe see him laugh in this house that held so much promise for him.” There was a pause. “We’re so grateful that you’re here, Lou. I don’t know if he ever would have opened this house up otherwise.”
“What?” I tried not to let my jaw drop. “He would have surely rented this out at some point. There’s nothing about me that made this happen. Just timing, that’s all. Plus, I needed a handout. Plus, Daphne made him.” I shrugged and smiled, like I didn’t want to believe that maybe it was me. Like I was special somehow.
Tabby headed toward the door, collecting her bag, and slipped on her shoes. “If you really think so, Lou. Let me just say my brother is a good man. He takes care of people and does what’s right.”
“Obviously,” I said, gesturing around me.
She smiled and nodded. “Yes, obviously. I’ll also say he is just as stubborn as you.” She narrowed her eyes in an accusatory manner, planting her hands on her hips. “If you think he was pushed into doing anything, you’re fooling yourself. Goodnight, Lou. I’ll be by to get the boys in the morning and we’ll be back for family dinner,” she chirped, letting herself out.
I stood in the living room for a minute, staring at the front door and trying to make sense of what Tabby said. Shaking my head and deciding that there wasn’t anything to it, I headed upstairs to change for bed. I slipped into a tank top and sleeping shorts, brushed my teeth, and piled my hair into a messy bun high on my head before washing my face. Once dry, I examined it carefully, wishing so badly that this bruise would go away. I hated feeling like I had this mark on me. I buried my face in the hand towel and screamed. This all felt so out of control.
I'd taken over the ghost house of a man who seemed less than thrilled to have me here, yet he agreed to allow it. His history was his to contend with, but he gave no real indication about how he felt… about any of it, unless that indication was grumpiness. His meddling sister pushed me and Bean on him like a charity case and didn’t give him room to say no. His other sister tells me that Bennet does nothing he doesn’t want to do. So, did he want us there? Why can’t I let this go? Just accept the help and let it go. It doesn’t matter why.
Except it did matter, and I knew it.
I plodded downstairs to get a drink of water. The house was stuffy, and despite its size, it was suddenly feeling crowded. Standing at the sink, cup in my hand, I stared out into the darkness. The only light was Bennet’s apartment above the garage, the side window lit up. He was still awake. What’s he doing in there?
Why do I care?
“Ugh.” I shook my head and turned my back to the window, crossing my arms angrily and berating myself for letting the thought take over my head. It made me feel weak. I didn’t want to feel weak, so I did the only thing I knew to combat it. I was going to challenge it. Did Bennet actually want me and Bean there? Were his sisters bullying him into something he was not okay with?
I was about to find out.
Dumping my water in the sink, I took a deep breath. Let’s find out. Just go!
I slipped out the front door, running through a script of questions for Bennet. I’d just ask the questions. Simple. If he really wasn’t okay with any of this, if Daphne bulldozed him or pressured him to discomfort, I’d leave. Bean and I would figure out another arrangement. I couldn't live in a house filled with the pain of someone else. Someone I cared about. No, that’s not right. Someone I was concerned for. No. Not that either. Someone I worried about. Fuck. I didn’t know what was right anymore.
I didn’t bother with shoes, but I locked the door behind me, just in case. I didn’t like leaving Bean alone in the house, and while I knew she was tucked away and it was probably safe here in the middle of nowhere, I didn’t like taking chances. Besides, I’d only be gone a minute.
Turning around, I dropped my keys in surprise.
I wasn’t alone.
Nine
Bennet
I don’t know what possessed me to stare out at the house long after Lou had gone back inside of it, but there I was, thirty minutes later, unable to look away. Daphne said to keep my eyes on Lou, but somehow I didn’t think this is what she meant.
Tabby left, getting into her car alone. The boys must be staying with Lou. I didn't know why that made me feel good to see. Maybe because Tabby deserved a night to herself after spending so much time taking care of littles. Maybe because I liked the idea of Lou helping Tabby out. Maybe because I knew there were no other adults with Lou, and I could go over there and talk to her uninterrupted if I wanted to.
The thought startled me, and I pulled back from the window.
When Annie died, part of me disappeared. Most of me, really. I’d spent years in the Army. Years watching people getting blown up, shot, maimed, killed. It was heartbreaking and sobering—an insight into how vulnerable we all are, and how fleeting life can be, but it was always at a distance. Those deaths were never on home soil. It was part of war, part of the realities of the work I did. I could compartmentalize it when I was away. It lived there. It was never here. Until it was, and then it all went to shit.
I don’t remember who told me that Annie died. I don’t even remember how I learned about it. I just know at some point I knew, and I was crumpled on the ground in a pain that felt inhuman, as if someone ripped apart my entire body. Logan appeared at some point. He said some things to me, maybe explained the situation in more detail. I’m not entirely sure, but by the end of it, I knew one thing. Annie’s death was my fault. She wasn’t supposed to be working nights, but she did, because she wanted the wedding of her dreams and we couldn’t afford it otherwise. If she hadn't been driving that night, she would still be alive.
If I’d been able to do more, give her more, be the man she deserved—she’d still be alive. I failed her. I deserved to disappear too. It should be me to pay the price for my inadequacy, not her.
I tried. Sort of. My commanding officer wanted to send me home, but I refused to leave. My mama called me, pleading to come back, but I stopped taking her calls or reading her emails. I was so ashamed of myself for it, but I couldn’t face the realities of going home to bury my fiancé. Instead, I was reckless, impulsive, unfocused. I wanted to be.
I got lucky. Or maybe unlucky, depending on how you looked at it. The explosive device I was dismantling had been improperly wired. A sloppy job. A homemade bomb without the right supplies. Looking it over, I knew it was a shoddy job. I knew that meant I needed to be extra careful, light touches and no quick choices. It was unpredictable. I suppose all explosives are unpredictable, but homemade meant there was room for malfunctions or hypersensitivity. But I didn’t care. I didn’t fucking care.
I picked it up like it was a present on Christmas morning, waiting for the gift of release from the pain. Logan shouted something at me, and then it went dark. I felt… nothing. It was everything I wanted.
When I opened my eyes again, I was in a hospital in Landstuhl, lying in a bed and feeling like I’d been put through a meat grinder. The bomb hadn’t detonated in my hands, to my dismay. Hostile fire inundated us before I could carelessly handle the device, hitting me first and without warning. I’d been shot in the gut twice and once in the shoulder. A fourth grazed the side of my head. I recovered in Germany until I was stable enough to be transported back home, where I was discharged from the Army.
At first I was angry. I wanted to die that day. Then I was home, and I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t sure if that made me a strong man or a coward. I hadn’t died in Afghanistan, but I wasn’t exactly alive anymore either.
I kept my eyes on the farmhouse outside, thinking about the woman inside of it. It wasn’t Annie in there like it was supposed to be. I built that house for her. For us. For our future. It had been five years since I lost everything. It wasn’t Lou’s fault, but I’d certainly been acting like it was.
“Asshole,” I grumbled at myself.
There wasn’t much thought as I did it, but I realized I was walking down the apartment stairs toward the house, like something was pulling me there. I took a seat on the porch swing and gave myself a gentle push, rocking slowly back and forth. I wasn’t sure why I was sitting on the porch with my eyes on the door, but I didn’t give it much thought. There was no need to when I was alone.
Until I wasn’t.
I heard the door open before I saw Lou step out, and I panicked, like I was about to be caught doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. Lou dropped her keys in surprise when she saw me.
“Bennet,” she cried, her hand shooting over her heart like it stopped beating. Meanwhile, mine picked up.
“Hey, Lou,” I said softly, tucking my hands into my pockets. “Where are you off to?”
She blushed. “Um, I was just stepping out for some air. What are you doing out here?”
God, she looked good in her little shorts. She had on an oversized tank top, loose and with arm holes too large and open for my comfort. I could see the curves of the sides of her breasts through the openings and I turned my eyes away. She wasn’t wearing a bra. Jesus, it took all my best effort to avert my gaze.
“I was just thinking I’ve never sat in this swing before,” I said honestly.
Lou scrunched her face at the same time she brought her hands above her head to pat at the pile of hair on top of it. “Really? Never?”
I shook my head and pushed the swing a little faster. “Nope, never.”
“What’s the verdict?” she asked, walking to me and pointing at the spot next to me. I nodded, and she sat down to join me.
“It’s nice,” I answered. “Peaceful, really.”
She sighed and leaned her head on the back of the swing. “It is,” she agreed.
We sat in silence for a while. It could have been a minute, maybe ten. I closed my eyes. Maybe I’d open them and we’d be seventy years old on this porch swing.
“Did you really come out here to sit on this swing because you’d never done it before?” Lou asked quietly.
I squeezed my eyes a little tighter and exhaled. “Did you really come out here for fresh air?” I opened my eyes to look at her.
Lou bit her lip, and I wanted to groan. The way that simple act made me stir was almost too much. I reached for her, tugging her lip out from between her teeth. She sucked in a quiet breath, like the last time, and I wasn’t sure if that sound was any better in settling me.
She tilted her head, looking at me like she wanted to say something, but then thought better of it. Her shoulders sagged a little, and she licked her lips. “Can I ask you something, Bennet?”
I nodded, bringing my arm up over the back of the swing, not touching her, but imagining it would be nice to do so. Sitting close to her felt… comfortable.
Lou held her hands in her lap, her thumbs circling around themselves as she dropped her eyes. She didn’t normally seem to be a shy woman and seeing her like that made me nervous.
Lou took a deep breath. “Do you want me here? Me and Bean, I mean,” she added quickly.
I gave her a confused look, mostly because I was trying to figure out how to answer, but she must have taken it otherwise, because she grimaced and shook her hands out.
“Right,” she said, ready to stand up. “I’ve bulldozed my way in here and I hadn’t intended to, Bennet. Daphne isn’t persistent—she’s pushy. I should have respected the boundaries you’ve set for yourself and not moved in. Fuck,” she mumbled, shaking her head. “I knew it. I never meant to make you uncomfortable.” I watched her talk. The way she shook her head in response to her own thoughts, not looking up for my own. It made me want to laugh, but I bit my tongue instead.
