It's a Wonderful Life, page 22
Daniel
Beth was out in London meeting her publishers. She’d barely spoken to Daniel since their row. All she’d said that morning before he left was that she’d be late back. Daniel was at work, planning for the new school year. He was trying to concentrate as he got through a couple of boring strategy meetings and then tried to iron out problems with the new Year Seven intake, due to start the following week. He also had to have several meetings with students who hadn’t got their grades but who wanted to retake the year. He wished that Sam would do that, but it looked like he wasn’t even going to consider it. Jim Ferguson was still being difficult, and pretty much contesting every suggestion he made, which was becoming very wearing. On the plus side, the overall fallout from last year’s Ofsted hadn’t been as bad as Daniel had feared. Although the staff had been disappointed, there was a general feeling that the inspectors had been over-harsh. The governors had accepted that Daniel hadn’t been given enough time to bring the school up to scratch, and were happy with the changes he was suggesting to make sure the next inspection went better. With the help of Carrie Woodall, he’d gradually won over more of his staff, so, even if Jim thwarted him at every turn, he felt more positive about school this year. At least something in his life was going right.
However hard he tried though, Daniel couldn’t concentrate. His heart wasn’t in it, and he found himself unable to focus on the work. The only member of the family still speaking to him was Megan and she was finding the whole situation so distressing it made him feel guiltier still. She’d been crying this morning as he left.
The day went by, long, hectic, and busy enough to stop Daniel thinking too deeply about everything. He had just got back to his office after a tedious meeting about budgets when he picked up some missed calls and a text from Lou. Ring me as soon as you get this. That was odd. Lou never normally rang him. Why would she be calling him and not Beth?
He got through after several attempts. ‘Hi Lou, is every-thing OK?’
‘Not really,’ she said. ‘I’m at the hospital with Mum and Dad. They think Dad’s had a heart attack.’
‘Bloody hell,’ said Daniel. ‘Have you told Beth?’
‘Well that’s the weird thing,’ said Lou, ‘I’ve been trying her for ages, but her phone seems to be switched off. Have you heard from her?’
‘No,’ said Daniel, a cold clutch of panic creeping over him. ‘She’s in London for the day, but I thought she’d be on her way back by now. I’ll try and get hold of her, and we’ll be at the hospital as soon as we can.’
Daniel rang Beth, but it went to voicemail; he left her a message and then texted her for good measure. Telling his secretary he had to leave because of a family crisis, he set off for the hospital, trying to ignore the nagging worry that something wasn’t quite adding up. Where was Beth?
Beth
For a moment, I forget where I am. I shut my eyes, and I am a twenty-year-old girl, standing with the most gorgeous boy I know, and I am kissing him. It’s intoxicating and dizzying, and I cannot believe that I am there in his arms. Jack Stevens wants me – he actually wants me. It is all I have dreamed for months. I allow the fantasy I have been living in for so long to temporarily come to life. And then my phone buzzes, and I am pulled abruptly from my dream. Shit, it might be Daniel. I pull back from Jack, even though I want this so much. I know it’s wrong and I just can’t do it, however much I want to. Things are rubbish with Daniel at the moment, but falling into Jack’s arms won’t help anything.
‘Jack, I’m sorry, this won’t work.’
‘But why not, Lizzie? Don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to be happy?’ he says. ‘I know we’d be good together.’ He pulls me closer towards him.
It’s tempting, it really is. I’m fighting so hard not to give in to my emotions, but I know I’ve just crossed a line, and I can’t let this go any further.
‘But at the expense of other people,’ I say.
‘Even if you’re miserable?’ he says. ‘I know you, Lizzie, and I know Daniel doesn’t make you happy any more. Not the way I can.’
‘That’s not true,’ I say. ‘We’re just going through a bad patch.’
‘It’s like he’s squashed all the old vibrancy out of you,’ he continues. ‘The real Lizzie Holroyd is still in there, I can tell.’
It’s so close to what I’ve been thinking on and off for the last few months, I nearly give in. But is it Daniel who has squashed me, or have I just let life wear me down?
‘Don’t,’ I say. ‘I grew up and I’ve changed. I’m not the girl I once was. I’m not the person you think I am.’
I glance at my watch. It’s a lot later than I had realised. I ought to let Daniel know I’m running late – I can’t stay here. My phone buzzes again, and I look at it. I have missed calls from both Daniel and Lou. I had it on vibrate in the restaurant, and I can’t have heard it over the din. Daniel and Lou both calling me. My heart leaps with anxiety. Shit, what’s going on?
‘Sorry Jack, I have to ring home,’ I say, trying to erect a barrier between us.
‘Where are you?’ Daniel sounds so relieved to hear my voice when he picks up. ‘Your dad’s at the hospital, they think he’s had a heart attack.’
It feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. ‘What?’ I say. ‘Oh God. I’m on my way. I’ll be there as soon as I can.’
‘What’s going on?’ says Jack when I hang up. He can see my distress, and he moves to put his arms round me.
‘It’s my dad.’ I blink back tears. Dad’s in hospital? He’s always been so fit. ‘He’s had a heart attack.’
‘Oh no,’ says Jack. ‘Is he OK?’ He strokes me gently and leans in to kiss me once more, but I push him away. Doesn’t he get it? This changes everything.
‘Jack, no,’ I say. ‘This is neither the time nor the place. I have to be with my family. You do understand, don’t you?’
‘Of course,’ he says, ‘I’ll call you.’
‘No, I’ll call you,’ I say. The last thing I need is him ringing me at the hospital.
‘I need you, you know,’ he says, a little-boy-lost look in his eyes. Please, don’t do this to me.
‘I don’t think you do, not really,’ I say, keeping my voice even, trying to be strong. ‘I think you always want what you can’t have.’
And with that I walk away.
I’m so churned up. I’ve allowed another man to kiss me. I’ve thought about letting him into my bed. And now my dad is ill. Is this some kind of punishment? The journey home is a nightmare; there’s a signal failure so my train is slower than ever but I eventually get to the station and order a cab to the hospital.
I rush inside to find Mum, Lou, Ged, Rachel, the baby and Daniel all standing around in the waiting room, talking earnestly. Lou and Mum look like they’re about to leave.
‘Thank God you’re here,’ says Daniel. ‘Where were you?’
‘The meeting went on longer than I thought. How is he?’ I hope the guilt isn’t obvious in my voice.
‘Better than he was,’ said Daniel. ‘They’re doing some tests. Oh – and I should warn you.’
‘Warn me what?’ But as I push open the double doors to Dad’s ward, I see for myself. Dad is lying in the hospital bed, and sitting holding his hand is Lilian Mountjoy.
The Littlest Angel
At last, the Littlest Angel thought her journey was nearly over. She’d heard one of the other angels talking about seeing a donkey, and there was a donkey here, tied up behind a stable door.
‘Hello,’ said the angel. ‘I’m looking for the new baby. Do you know when it’s going to be born?’
‘Oh,’ said the donkey. ‘I think it’s tonight. I’ve carried his mother all the way here. He’s going to be a very special baby.’
‘I know,’ said the angel. ‘That’s why I’m here.’
Vanessa Marlow: Where are Mary and Joseph at this point?
Beth King: I’m imagining inside. Don’t ask me awkward questions!
Part Four
The way home
September–December
The Littlest Angel
The angel crept inside. There was no one in the stable but a couple of cows, lowing.
‘Where’s the baby?’ she said. ‘Am I too late?’
‘Too late?’ said the cows. ‘No, you’re too early.’
Vanessa Marlow: Now this is cute. I hope the cows are going to be cute!!
Beth King: Yes, the cows can be cute.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lou
Mum and I have been in A&E for hours. They can’t actually decide whether Dad’s had a heart attack or not, or whether to admit him. So a very uncomfortable trio of Mum, Lilian and I gather around the bed, while doctors and nurses come to and fro, and strap him up to ECG monitors, take blood samples and attach him to a drip, but no one tells us anything. The atmosphere is tense; Dad looks pale and unwell, and clearly finds it a strain. He seems to be opting out of the whole thing by shutting his eyes as often as possible. He does at least mutter an apology to Mum, but that’s all we can get out of him. Lilian was already there when we arrived and we had an awkward few moments before she briefly kissed Dad on the cheek and went out for a coffee. She didn’t stay away long though, and now the three of us are awkwardly gathered round the bed. Despite the stress of the situation, I can’t help trying to scope her out. Lilian is a tall, willowy woman in her late sixties, and as different to Mum as she could be.
None of us are talking very much and Lilian and Mum have clearly decided that this isn’t the place for a public row. They are saying very little to one another, whilst conducting a surreptitious one-upmanship campaign to look after Dad the most, whether it be by bringing him cups of tea or plumping up the pillows. It would be funny if the situation wasn’t so bloody awful.
Dad doesn’t say a lot. He looks exhausted. I know this situation is his fault, but it’s clearly taken its toll. Eventually a doctor comes and tells us that they don’t think Dad has had a heart attack, but they are going to keep monitoring the situation, which is a huge relief, but he clearly isn’t well. I’d feel sorry for him, but I can’t help thinking it serves him right.
One thing is clear to me though: as much as I don’t want to admit it, he and Lilian are very much in love. I wonder if Mum can see it. It’s the way they look at one another, and the way she places her hand on his or strokes his face. I can’t remember Mum and Dad ever being that tactile. Even when we got here, worried as she was, all Mum could do was kiss him stiffly. There was no warmth in it. Understandable in the situation, but Dad could have died.
Ged, Rachel and baby Thomas eventually turn up, followed by Daniel, who still hasn’t heard from Beth. We agree to take it in turns to keep Mum and Lilian apart as much as possible. Ged and Rachel offer to take Lilian to the hospital canteen for a coffee to give her a break, while Mum and I stay with Dad. Daniel is off in the corridor trying to track Beth down, so the three of us are left together.
I look at Mum, who is staring at Dad while he sleeps, looking completely shell-shocked.
‘What happens now?’ I ask.
‘This isn’t the place,’ says Mum.
‘I think it is, Mum,’ I say. ‘He was with Lilian. He wants to be with Lilian. I think we’ve all been kidding ourselves, like the way I kidded myself with Jo.’
Mum sighs.
‘You’re right. I thought he’d come to his senses. And now this.’ There are tears in her eyes. ‘They think he’s fine. I don’t need to be here any longer, so I’m going to go home now. I’m so tired. If they release him, he can go back to her.’ I can see how difficult the words are for her to say. I reach over and squeeze her hand.
‘I think that’s the right thing to do, Mum. I know how hard it is.’
Ged and the others come back, just as Mum and I get up to go. Lilian takes her place by Dad’s bedside, avoiding eye contact with us both. This is beyond weird. At that moment Beth comes flying in too, looking shocked and upset. Daniel clearly hadn’t told her everything, because she is horrified to see Dad with Lilian.
‘What’s going on?’ she says. ‘Why is she here?’
‘Long story,’ I say. ‘But I think Dad’s going to be OK. I’m taking Mum home now; it’s for the best.’
Ged and Rachel opt to come back with us, bringing the baby, while Beth and Daniel offer to stay.
Mum looks wistfully back at Dad and Lilian, who are holding hands openly now and look very much like the couple they obviously are. They must have decided there’s no point pretending any longer, but it makes me cross all over again on Mum’s behalf. It’s so weird and unnatural to see Dad with another woman, and part of me wants to thump him. But I have to admit they look right together, even if I don’t like it. I give Mum a hug.
‘If it’s any consolation, Mum,’ I say. ‘I know it won’t feel like it right now, but I think you’re doing the right thing.’
Beth
I’m in bits when I see Dad looking so weak and forlorn, and even more so when I find out what has been happening. How could he do this again? He promised. It’s so unfair to Mum, who is being incredibly stoic, despite the effort it’s clearly costing her. Lou is being amazing, taking charge and making sure Mum is OK. I am too wrecked to make any kind of coherent decision. Daniel and I promise to go back to see her when we’ve found out more.
Wound up with my anger is a horrible sense of guilt. I could have lost my dad today. He was in hospital while I was kissing another man. I cannot bear to think about what might have happened if I’d stayed with Jack. What would have happened if I hadn’t taken that phone call?
Daniel and I tentatively go in to sit with Dad and Lilian.
‘Beth, you know Lilian,’ says Dad, ‘and this is my son-in-law, Daniel.’
Daniel and I look at one another. There’s not much else we can do but go with it.
‘Hi,’ I say, going to kiss Dad. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Pretty rubbish,’ says Dad, ‘but they seem to think the old ticker’s OK.’
‘Well that’s something.’
I don’t know what to say, and neither does Daniel.
Dad clears his throat.
‘I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but Lilian and I—’
‘Are clearly not over,’ I say. ‘Dad, you promised.’ As I stare at his face, I imagine Jack leaning forward to kiss me. What have I been doing to Daniel behind his back? I’m no better than my dad. Do I really have a right to judge?
Lilian gets up as if to give us some space, but Dad stops her. ‘Beth, I should never have gone back home. It was immensely foolish of me. I should have stuck to my original decision. I kidded myself I was doing the right thing, and I’ve only made things worse. Please understand though – no matter who I’m with, you are my family, and you mean everything to me.’
‘But why did you have to lie about it, Dad? Why did you bother to move in with Mum again? I’m sorry but you and Lilian have made things ten times worse.’
‘I know how bad this looks,’ says Lilian, ‘and your dad has tried very hard to stay away. I kept telling him he had to choose, and I was heartbroken when he chose your mum.’ She looks at me nervously but I refuse to meet her eye.
‘Bully for you,’ I say. I really don’t care how heartbroken Lilian was.
‘I really was trying to do the best by everyone,’ says Dad. ‘I know I went about it the wrong way, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone – your mum, you children. I feel like I’ve really stuffed up.’
He looks so sad and forlorn, some of the hardness in me melts.
‘Oh Dad,’ I say, tears in my eyes. We could have lost him today, and however angry I am with him, I can’t bear the thought of a world without him.
‘I thought I could make it work, I honestly did. Can you forgive me, Beth?’
I look at him, so small against the hospital pillows. ‘I’ll try,’ I say.
‘I know it won’t be easy,’ he says, ‘but I’m going to move in with Lilian. I hope you can all come to terms with that eventually.’
‘I don’t know,’ I say honestly. ‘No offence, Lilian, but this isn’t the sort of thing that normally happens in our family.’
‘None taken,’ says Lilian. ‘I can understand if you don’t want anything to do with me.’
I think about Daniel and his dad, and all the rage and anger he’s carried around with him for years. I don’t want that to happen to me and Dad. So I take the hand Lilian offers, and say, ‘It’s not the best introduction, but so long as you make Dad happy, that will do for me.’
Daniel
It had been a surreal evening to say the least. Daniel felt completely overwhelmed by the rapidity with which events had overtaken them, what with Fred announcing his decision to stay with Lilian. Everything was in turmoil. At least the doctors seemed to think Fred would be OK, although they were keeping him in overnight for observations as his blood pressure was still high.
‘You OK about all of this?’ Daniel asked Beth when they got in the car to go home.
‘I have to be, don’t I?’ said Beth. ‘Dad could have died today. I don’t want to lose him.’
The subtext being like you did with your dad. Maybe he was just being paranoid.
They got in to discover they had a visitor: Sam was in the kitchen, cooking.
‘Megan told me about Grandpa and I thought I’d come over and see if I could help out. I thought you might be hungry.’
Daniel stood still in shock, a happy shock that lifted his spirits no end. After the events of the day, the sight of his son back in his kitchen was like balm to his soul.
‘Thanks for coming,’ he said. ‘Food would be great. Are you staying?’
‘If you want?’ Sam looked nonchalant, but Daniel could see he was nervous. Daniel hated the fact that he had made his son anxious in his company.
