Dust + Ashes, page 13
She eyed him as she crossed the room and instead plopped down on the couch opposite the chairs, keeping her distance. She studied the traitor. He seemed so average; just a generic white guy closing in on middle age. Still good looking, she supposed, despite the gray peppering his hair, and he had kind eyes that always seemed to be smiling, which made her all the more suspicious. But there wasn’t a whiff of viel about him that she could sense.
“I’m okay,” she answered. “Tired, mostly.”
Dr. Lane nodded. “I was told you might be. What would you like to talk about today? We don’t need to get heavy right off the bat. How about we just get to know each other first.”
“You helped my mom and dad?” Tia asked.
“Yes. A long time ago, before they’d met each other, both of them were my patients. Is that okay?”
“I guess,” she said. “They seem pretty well-adjusted. Normal.” She shrugged. “So... good job?”
“A kid who thinks their parents are normal. Interesting.” The doc’s eyes glittered with amusement. “I suppose it’s normal for you to want to verify my credentials and previous experience, but we’re not here to talk about your parents, at least not yet, are we? How’s school?”
“Can’t complain.”
“Grades good?”
“Yeah. It’s easy. I’m top of my class.”
“Do you get bored because it’s too easy?”
Tia couldn’t help her derisive laugh. “That’s really not the point of me going to school right now.”
The doc frowned, unsure of what to make of this answer, and Tia almost laughed again. She couldn’t explain to him that she already knew all the answers. She’d learned all the kiddy, fifth-grade stuff years ago. Homework was a breeze, classes were, yeah, boring, but knowing all the answers meant she could just enjoy having fun with her friends without stressing over grades. But she couldn’t tell him that. Couldn’t explain that she was really a fifteen-year-old crammed in the body of a younger version of herself. She couldn’t say that without sounding mental. Or could she?
Dr. Lane had worked for Blackwing, after all. But everything had changed. The entire world had changed. The day she’d woken up as a kid again had been a gift, and a good one as far as she was concerned. There were drawbacks, a dark side, such as the reason why she was here in the doc’s office in the first place, of course, but mostly it had been great, a second chance at her lost childhood.
“Does the name Eddie Greene mean anything to you?” she asked.
The doc’s frown deepened. “It does. How do you know that name? Did you hear it from your parents?”
“No.”
“Where did you hear it?”
Tia didn’t reply. There was a mirror hanging on the wall across from her, and she glanced at it before quickly dropping her gaze to the floor.
“Tia?” the doc prompted.
She looked back at him. “Sorry. What?”
“I asked how you knew the name Eddie Greene?”
Because he’s my bogeyman and he’s sitting right beside you. “I, uh—”
Glancing at the mirror again, she trailed off. In it, Eddie Greene was indeed sitting casually in the chair next to the psychiatrist, his pose identical to the other man’s. He winked at her.
“Go on, T,” the reflection Eddie said. “Tell him. You brought me up. Cat’s out of the bag. Tell him all about me and let’s just see how crazy he thinks you really are.”
In his chair, Dr. Lane leaned forward and folded his hands. Reflection Eddie did likewise. Tia glared at the mirror.
“Is something wrong?” The doc turned, following her gaze. “Does the mirror bother you?”
She nodded. “Yes. It really does.”
Without a word, Dr. Lane got up and took the mirror down. He set it aside facing the wall, before returning to his seat and giving her a reassuring smile. “Is that better?” The girl nodded again. “May I ask what bothered you about it?”
“I didn’t like what I saw in it,” she said.
“What did you see in it?”
Again, Tia hesitated. How crazy would the doc think she was if she told him that Edmund Reginald Greene the Fourth was harassing her from reflections? Or would he somehow understand? He knew the monster’s name, had probably learned it from her mother when she’d been his patient, and that meant her mother had been married to Eddie and divorced from him in this bizarro world, too. Did that mean the viels existed here? She wasn’t sure she was ready to accept that yet. So far, this world was a near paradise.
“I can’t wait to hear this.” The viel’s disembodied voice interrupted her thoughts. It seemed to come from all around, and Tia froze, trying to ignore the myriad of other reflections around the room. Her throat tightened. Maybe she was crazy. She just wanted the monster to go away. “What are you going to tell him, T? You’ve been acting real loco lately. The matches. The alarms. You’ve been hurting yourself, little lady, and that’s not healthy. So, what are you gonna tell this quack to make me go away?”
Tia bristled.
Then, she told the quack everything: going to Hope Falls, running away from the viels and joining the Crows. Of Sarah’s changing and fighting free of Eddie’s influence, of their mother’s sacrifice in the caves. And she told him of the aftermath: living a nomadic life on the run from both the Greenes and the Crows, of her father finding Vogel’s mystical research, of the spiders’ tricking Sarah into opening a new Rend in London. The whole of her traumatic past five years poured out of her while Dr. Lane sat listening carefully without interruption.
“And after I fell into the place with all the threads, I caught Eddie and dragged him in, too, so he couldn’t get Sarah, and then I woke up here months ago, ten-years-old again,” she wound down, shrugging. “So far, it’s been great, mostly. But that monster haunts every reflection around me. Every time I fall deep enough asleep to dream, he tries to get me, like Freddy Krueger. The first time it happened, he grabbed me and when I woke up there were bruises on my arm. I can’t fall asleep, or he’ll get me. More like Eddie Krueger.” She winced, touching her arms. “I burn myself with matches whenever I start getting too sleepy at night. The pain keeps me alert. And when I just can’t do it anymore, I set alarms to wake up every twenty minutes or so, so that I only doze, never get into full, REM sleep.”
For a long moment Dr. Lane remained silent, his expression unreadable. This is it, Tia thought. He thinks I need to be locked up in the looney bin. But when the doctor spoke, his voice wavered, betraying a hint of fear. “In this other reality, you said I was Sarah’s psychiatrist?”
Tia nodded. “And my mother’s when she escaped from Eddie, just like here, I guess. You helped her get away from him and start her new life.” Anger flared in her suddenly and she sat forward, glaring. “But you sold us out. You hypnotized her and Dad and Sarah to go back to Hope Falls, and then it all... it all...”
She choked. Around the room, a slow clap echoed from the various reflections. Tia would have screamed then, demanded the monster shut up, except for the wracking sobs that gripped her. The psychiatrist said nothing as she wept but got up and went to his desk. He retrieved a box of tissues and handed it to her before rooting around in one of the drawers. Removing a white box, he returned and sat back down, holding it in his lap until Tia finally began to calm.
“Let’s see your burns,” he said. The girl blinked at him, dabbing the tears from her eyes. The box was a first aid kit. Pulling up her sleeve, she held up her arm to allow Dr. Lane to examine the match burns just above her armpit. Without a word, he began to gently clean and dress the wounds.
“You’ve had quite a lot happen to you. No wonder you can’t sleep,” he said. “Tell me, was Eddie in the mirror before? Was that why you didn’t want it up?”
Tia nodded again. She wasn’t sure what to make of the situation. The doc was acting as if he believed her, but she wasn’t certain. “Do you believe me or are you just being nice because I’m crazy? I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe me.”
“We aren’t supposed to antagonize our patients,” he replied. “But the events you described are quite fantastic. If your story’s true, then you’ve essentially traveled back in time to an alternate dimension and are now being haunted by your mother’s ex-husband, who happens to be a literal monster. Is that about right?”
Hearing it from him, Tia chuckled. “Yeah. That’s about right.”
There was a soft beep and Tia glanced at the clock on the desk. Their hour was up. For a moment, Dr. Lane remained silent, tapping a finger to his lip, considering all of what his patient had told him. Finally, he lowered his hand and spoke. “My patients don’t usually open up quite as quickly as you did, especially not the ones with experiences like yours, Tia. You’re a brave girl.”
“You think I’m nuts.”
“Not at all. Just afraid, resulting from a traumatic experience. But I do think you’ve been acting a bit recklessly.” He gestured to her bandaged arm. “I don’t want you doing that anymore. No more self-harming.”
“It’s to stay awake,” Tia said. “It’s not like I get off on it, or even want to do it. I’m not a masochist. I don’t like being so freakin’ tired all the time.”
Dr. Lane blinked, clearly not expecting such command of language from a ten-year-old. “Fair,” he said after a moment. “You want to get better, right?”
“Right.”
“You know the old motivational phrase, ‘you can’t change unless you want to change.’ Well, you can’t get better unless you want to and that means stop burning yourself and actually allow yourself to sleep. Safe sleep.” Before she could interject, he went back to his desk and removed a small, purple pill bottle from a drawer. He held it out to her. “These will help you sleep.”
Tia recognized the label and made no effort to take the bottle. “That’s valerian. The stuff used to knock out viels. You gave it to Sarah, and she started acting like a robot.”
“Did I? Well, she’s half-viel, isn’t she? You’re fully human, so it won’t hurt if you follow the directions. It’ll simply help you sleep and possibly drive away any viel stalkers that may be haunting your dreams. That’s how it works, right?”
She eyed the bottle long and hard before looking up and studying Dr. Lane with the same intensity. Did he believe her? He seemed like he was going along with her too easily. Were psychiatrists supposed to entertain their patient’s fantasies?
“Maybe it’s poison,” Eddie said from the warped, metallic reflection of the desk lamp. He was still watching everything with interest, still mimicking the doctor’s every move. “We don’t know whose side this guy is on, and you just told him everything. He might be one of my stooges here, too.”
“Shut up, Eddie,” Tia muttered. As she did, Dr. Lane scanned the room, his eyes flicking over various reflections, including the desk lamp. If he saw the viel in any of them, he made no indication.
“Trust me. Just one pill a half-hour before bed should do it,” he said as they walked to the door. “Let’s go tell your mother.”
Lilian was waiting for them in the lobby. Handing her the pill bottle, the psychiatrist briefly explained what it was and its use. She nodded.
“I remember,” she said and smiled reassuringly at Tia. “I used it for a while, too. It really does help.”
“Lilian, I have a few questions for you before you go, if you could join me in my office for a moment,” Dr. Lane said.
“Of course. Tia, wait here.”
Her mother followed Dr. Lane into his office, and the door closed behind them. Tia sat down and glanced toward the front desk. A small silver bell sat there. Eddie stared out at her from it, his face distorted from its bulbous shape. It made him look more like the monster Tia had seen lurking just below his human face, the one he’d changed into when he’d dangled her over the Rend.
“Ooo, what do you think they’re talking about?” he said. “Think they’re gonna ship you off to the nut house? Or do you think he’s warping her mind?”
He waggled his fingers at her, and Tia felt another stab of fear. But when her mother and the psychiatrist returned a minute later, neither of them looked particularly grim. What could they have discussed in so short a time?
Dr. Lane smiled and held out a hand to her as they walked back over to the front desk. “Tia, thank you for coming in. I hope it helped, having someone to talk to. Will I see you next week?”
“Yeah,” she said, shaking his hand. “I guess. Thanks for listening.”
“Thank you, Dr. Lane,” Lilian said and ushered her daughter toward the door, giving the doc a parting wave as they exited. “See you next week.”
For most of the ride home, Tia was quiet, lost in thought. She wasn’t sure what to make of Dr. Lane. He’d seemed normal and possibly believed her, but Tia wondered what he had said to her mother in the office? Lilian wasn’t distressed or worried as she drove. In fact, she seemed to be in a better mood than she had in weeks, less worried and more herself.
“What did you and Dr. Lane talk about?” Tia finally asked, unable to quash her curiosity.
“He just wanted to know how I’ve been, and how Dad’s been. If everything was all right with us. Just a friendly checkup.”
“It wasn’t about me?”
“Not at all, sweetie,” Lilian said. “What you and he talk about is private. He’s very respectful of doctor-patient confidentiality.”
“Oh. That’s good.”
“Don’t worry. He only asked if I ever spoke about my—” She hesitated, her smile faltering.
“Your what?”
“Nothing. Just something that happened a long time ago that he helped me recover from. It’s not something I want to worry you with. It’s ancient history and doesn’t matter anymore.” Her smile returned, but Tia thought it looked forced.
“Now you’re being mysterious,” she said. Her mother gave a small laugh, then fell silent. Tia itched to know more but didn’t want to press her mother. It was several minutes before Lilian spoke again, hesitantly, almost in confession.
“I was married to someone else before Dad. We were too young, and it didn’t end well. Dr. Lane was very supportive afterward. But I’ve put that part of my life behind me. I suppose you’re old enough to know about it now, and to understand that everyone has problems, even adults, so there’s no shame in going to therapy, or having someone to talk to.”
“The doc seems pretty nice,” Tia said. But that was it. She didn’t know what else to say about what had just been divulged. She didn’t want to upset this version of her mother. Despite the cheerful smile on her face, this Lilian acted far more repressed than her real mother. Her real mother never hid the fact of her previous marriage, even if she didn’t mention specific details about it. This Lilian, however, seemed to have locked it all away, focusing solely on her current family. As Tia considered this, she felt a prickle of unease when she thought of the primary difference between the diverging versions of reality: Sarah didn’t exist in this one. Of course, her real mother would’ve had to acknowledge a previous marriage; Sarah was clearly not Marcus’s child. But here, Sarah’s nonexistence meant this version of Lilian could pretend her life in Hope Falls had never happened, and apparently did so. Yet, here in the car, she had just admitted that it had happened.
Tia had thought—had hoped—that there were no viels in this world, but that wasn’t necessarily the case. Just because she’d seen no proof of them did not mean they didn’t exist here. After all, she’d gone a good portion of her life without ever knowing they existed in her own reality. They might be out there. And, she reasoned grimly, Sarah might have been born and killed as an infant by the Crows in this reality, thus the reason for Lilian’s more repressed state. But at least this reality was safe from the Vessel.
The realization crashed home: this was a better world.
The thought made Tia feel worse. Without Sarah, her life hadn’t been a train wreck for the past five years. It was better, for her, for the entire world, without her sister. The guilt of this revelation tightened into a wrecking ball and crashed into her core defenses. A dam crumbled inside her, and hot tears began streaking down her cheeks.
“Tia?” Alarmed, Lilian pulled onto the shoulder of the highway and threw on her hazards. Within seconds, she was crying, too, holding onto her daughter as they wept together. Rain pattered down onto the roof. Traffic rushed on, rocking the car with each vehicle that blasted passed. Finally, Lilian sobered. She straightened and started the engine, but before she began driving again, she looked at Tia.
“You asked about her,” she said, mystified. “On that day. I don’t know how you found out, but I haven’t stopped thinking about her since then.”
“What?” Tia asked. She wiped away the tears lingering on her cheeks and sniffed. She felt slightly better, but the guilt was taking its time unclenching her insides.
“The day we took your father to the airport for his England trip, just before you started having trouble sleeping. It was, what? Three months ago? You asked, ‘Where’s Sarah?’” Lilian said. “It startled me. It would have been her fifteenth birthday if she’d lived. She would have been your older sister.” Her mother wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks, then shook her head, coming out of her revery. “There are monsters in the world, Tia. But there are good people, too. Dr. Lane is one of them. I’m sorry you had to see me like this. Don’t tell your father or RJ what I said. I just... How did you find out about her? Did Grams tell you?”
“I—” Tia said, but she wasn’t sure what to say. If this version of her mother had kept that part of her life bottled-up, what could she say that would not upset her even more? “I think I dreamed about her.”
Lilian sobbed again, though it sounded a little like a laugh this time. She put the car in drive, turned on her blinker, and started driving on the shoulder to get up to speed before merging. “Like a guardian angel. Maybe she’s watching over you.”
When they got home, everyone left her alone. No one mentioned the therapy appointment, and Tia was grateful for it. The rest of the day passed without incident. Shortly before bed, she took one of the valerian supplements, said her good nights, and retired to her room. She lay down in bed.
