When You Were Mine, page 16
“You can. I on the other hand, want to be alert enough to call our taxi and mostly quiet when I get home so that semi-drunk sex is semi-quiet and doesn’t scar the two kids upstairs playing video games.”
“Josh seemed okay, right?”
“Quit worrying, Luna. I promise you, Josh and Levi were laughing and eating hotdogs and planning their night when I left. Wally will watch them like a hawk. It will be okay.”
“I know, I guess I just worry…”
“There’s no need. They’re fine. I promise. You can call and check on them, if you want.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m just a spazz.”
“You’re allowed, you’ve been going through a lot of shit lately,” Meghan says and God, if that doesn’t feel like an understatement.
“What am I going to do, Meg? Ben is upset with me, and he should be. I’m hurting him, but I don’t know how to stop. Gavin has called two nights straight now and he’s being so sweet that if I let myself, I could forget about all the crap that’s between us.”
“You sound way too miserable for having two hot guys fighting over you.”
“Yeah, that definitely sounds like more fun than it is. And, I would hardly call it fighting. Ben isn’t even talking to me at the moment.”
“To be fair, he told you to come find him when you got your head straightened out.”
“I know… I’m just not sure that’s something I’m capable of doing.”
“Do you still have feelings for Gavin?” she asks and just the question alone fills me with fear and nerves.
“I’ll probably always have feelings for Gavin, Meg. He’s the father of my child, my first lover, and probably the only man I’ve truly allowed myself to love.”
“Thirteen years is a long time, and given what you’ve gone through, Luna, it’s a lot to be able to say that you’ll always love someone. Other women in your shoes would probably hate him.”
“I don’t hate him,” I whisper, answering guiltily—like it’s a horrible secret that I should be punished for. “Life would be so much easier if I could hate him.”
“What do you feel about him?” she presses and shit… that’s the question that I have no idea how to answer.
“Conflicted… torn,” I answer, finally giving her the one response that is one hundred percent truthful.
“How do you feel about our resident sheriff?”
I look at her then, feeling helpless.
“Conflicted… torn,” I laugh sadly.
She looks at me, her keen eyes appraising me, and I know she sees more than I’ve told her, because Meghan always can. Suddenly, she leans over and hugs me.
“It’s going to be okay, Luna.”
“I don’t know how,” I whisper, wishing I could see a way out of this that was easy and worked for everyone—but mostly for Joshua.
“Let your heart lead you, sweetie. That’s all you can do.”
“That sounds so easy, but I have no idea what my heart wants, Meghan. And, even if I did, who’s to say what my heart wants is what is best for Joshua?”
“Those are really important questions. First, I’d like to say that what’s best for you and Joshua might be two different things. I’m not sure, maybe it’s not, but you have to decide that. If you decide you want Ben, then Gavin and Joshua can still have a relationship. If you decide you want to see what is really between you and Gavin, then his and Joshua’s relationship can still be separate from that.”
“Maybe,” I whisper. The thought of even trying a relationship with Gavin fills me with anxiety and…anticipation. Even as I can feel the excitement bubbling at the prospect there’s guilt because of Ben…
I’m a freaking mess.
“You really should figure it out sooner rather than later, Luna.”
“Why’s that?” I ask, taking another drink and deciding to not think about anything tonight other than the fact that alcohol can take away my worries at least for one night.
“Because Gavin has just spotted you and is headed over this way,” she says.
When I look up, I see him. He’s staring straight at me, his eyes intense as he weaves through the people to get to me, his gaze never leaving me.
Shit.
Chapter Forty-Six
Gavin
“Ladies.”
I look at Luna as I speak, seeing her friend out of the corner of my eye, but she’s not the reason I’m here. She’s not the reason I was drawn to walk across the crowded bar. That would be Luna, who looks fucking beautiful tonight. She’s wearing a red shirt with a matching skirt that has black trim. Her hair is fixed and styled so that it accents her high cheekbones, shows off her neckline and makes me want to wrap my fingers in it—then again, I always want to do that when I’m around Luna.
Luna doesn’t talk. She looks up at me, a black straw stuck between her sweet lips, sipping her drink, her eyes large as she watches me.
“Gavin Lodge, my Wally talks about you often.”
“Wally? You must be Meghan,” I reply, finally tearing my gaze away from Luna and looking at her friend.
Meghan’s pretty, and something about her is familiar, so I guess I might have seen her once or twice all those years ago. She reaches out her hand and I shake it, fighting the urge not to return my attention to Luna—and losing.
“That’d be me,” she quips, and I should talk to her, but instead my gaze is locked on Luna.
“Are you okay, Luna?”
“Hunky dory,” she mutters, the straw in her mouth.
“You going to try and drink the whole thing without a breath?” I ask, finding myself smiling.
“Maybe,” she says, the straw still trapped.
I sit down at their table, not waiting for an invite. I don’t look away from Luna, even if I could. Her eyes go round and large, but she doesn’t do anything else.
“Have a seat,” Meghan says, dryly, and I do manage to flash her a smile in return to the one she’s giving me. I’m not fooling her, and I’m not trying either. I want Luna.
I need her.
“Thanks,” I laugh, because it’s clear Meghan has me pegged. I’m not exactly trying to hide it anyway.
“I think I’ll go to the ladies’ room and check on Josh and Levi. I assume Luna will be okay in your company until I get back,” she asks me, and when I tear my eyes away from Luna this time, I can see Meghan is serious, and I have a feeling she’s asking me a lot in that one question. So, I give her an honest answer.
“Luna will always be safe with me.”
She frowns, studying me, but she finally nods her head yes and leaves.
“You shouldn’t be here,” Luna says, finally letting go of her straw to talk to me.
“I’m not here to get drunk, Luna. I just… the hotel room gets lonely.”
“I didn’t mean here, here,” she mumbles. “I meant here at my table.”
“Luna—”
“You’re confusing me, Gavin.”
“I don’t mean to.”
“Well, you are. Being around you, talking to you at night, it’s confusing. Part of me wants to cling to you and pretend the past thirteen years never happened.”
“Don’t you think I want to do that too?”
“Maybe, but we shouldn’t. And maybe that’s what you want to do because of Joshua. You feel guilty for not being his father, for leaving and you’re trying to make that up to us all now and you can’t.”
“That’s a mouthful…”
“Gavin,” she says with a sigh. “We can’t recapture the past. It’s gone. It’s dead.”
“I think I know that, Luna.”
“Then—”
“But at the same time,” I interrupt her before she can tell me to leave again. “At the same time, I know those feelings are still there, at least on my side.”
“Gavin, you don’t—”
“And, I don’t want to walk away from them. Luna, I’ve missed you for thirteen years. I’ve wondered about you, dreamed about you, grieved you. That doesn’t happen unless there’s something worth saving there.”
“You aren’t. God, Gavin, and we’re in a bar, definitely not in a church.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you can’t save what’s been lost for a very long time. You don’t have that kind of power.”
“I can try.”
“Why?” she questions, desperation and fear thick in her voice.
“Because I love you,” I tell her, finally laying it out and letting her see what has truly been right in front of her since the first day I stepped foot back in Stone Lake. I put my hand over hers, squeezing it, my eyes not blinking as I stare directly at her, willing her to see the truth.
“You don’t love me, Gavin. It’s been thirteen years. You don’t even know me anymore. I’m not the same girl, there are days I don’t even like that girl. She was naïve and way too damn trusting and she was weak.”
“She was sweet, beautiful, and honest. She loved with her whole heart and she gave me sunshine in a world that was completely dark before her.”
“You were lost and, in some ways, so was I, Gavin. You don’t know me, not anymore. If you’re in love, you’re only in love with the idea of me.”
“I’m staring at a woman right now, Luna. A woman who was strong enough to raise my son alone. A woman who built a life for herself, who managed to build a career and a home, all while being a wonderful mother to my son. That’s not an idea, Moonbeam, that’s you. I haven’t missed who you are now, I have just grown to admire you even more because of the changes in you.”
“I hate this about you,” she mumbles, pulling her gaze away from me.
My brows draw inward. “What?”
“The ability you have to always say the right thing. It’s annoying and irritating and I hate it.”
“I’ll see if I can stop,” I mutter, trying not to laugh but unable to stop my smile.
“No, you won’t. You’ll keep trying to be perfect and show me what I’ve been missing all this time and it’s not fair. You left me, Gavin, not the other way around. You shouldn’t be able to waltz back into my life, stand everything up on its head, and I just magically forget the past and swoon at your feet again. It shouldn’t go down like that. I shouldn’t be that stupid twice… hell, three times!”
“Do you want me to leave, Luna?” I ask, at a loss as to how I should reply or even begin to fix the hurt inside of her. I can’t even fix it for myself, let alone her.
“Yes,” she says, nodding vehemently. I push away from the table, figuring I can at least give her that.
“Then, I’ll—”
“But I don’t want you to go either and if you do, I’ll miss you instantly and wish you were back.”
“Luna,” I groan, that admission meaning more than I could ever begin to tell her. “You have to be the one to tell me what to do here, Luna. I don’t want to hurt you more. I don’t want to push you. I just know that I only feel alive when I’m close to you.”
“I think I feel the same, even if I shouldn’t,” she says, looking down at the table and taking another drink. “Which is why I’m here at the bar, getting drunk.”
“What do you want me to do?” I ask her again.
“Sit there,” she says and when I go to reply she holds up her hand. “Just sit there and don’t talk. Look pretty and just add to the scenery instead of the confusion in my head.”
I lean over and kiss her forehead. When I pull away her hazel eyes are confused, but the green in their depths are sparking with electricity. Electricity I feel in my body, and the same electricity I haven’t felt in my entire life, except when Luna is close by. I tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear, our gazes still locked. I don’t say anything, but I feel that knot of tension that has been inside of me for days slowly ease.
I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but now I’m positive. I’m going to make Luna Marshall love me again.
There’s no other alternative.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Gavin
“I could have called a taxi,” Luna mutters as I use her keys to open up her door. She’s been saying that almost since we left the bar. “I still don’t know why you wouldn’t let me ride home with Meghan.”
“Because, there wasn’t a point. It’s late and Meghan didn’t need to be out on the roads this late at night by herself. I was available and I could take you,” I respond, letting her in and locking the door behind her.
While she’s stepping out of her shoes and putting up her jacket, I walk through to the kitchen and other rooms, turning on lights and making sure they’re secure. The last stop is her bedroom. There’s already a lamp on, bathing the room is soft light. Nothing has been disturbed, and I breathe a little easier. I’ve got to find this damn murderer. I won’t be able to rest easy until I do. I can’t let Luna get hurt, I have to protect her.
“What are you doing in here?” Luna asks from behind me.
“I wanted to make sure the house is secure,” I tell her, looking at her from over my shoulder.
“Is it?” she pushes up against me, peeking around my body. Her hands are holding onto my sides, her nails digging sharply into my skin.
She’s definitely drunk, not crazy drunk, but not exactly sober either. It’s just enough to make her completely relaxed and that makes it hard enough for me to remember I shouldn’t try and take advantage of her. She keeps putting her hands on me, pressing her body against me like she is right now as she looks around the room like she’s afraid an intruder is going to step out of the darkness and it’s slowly killing me. I want her so much that it’s hard to breathe. My cock has been hard all night. I’ve sat at her table listening to her and Meghan laughing and talking. I’ve fought myself to keep my hands off of her, but that’s getting harder and harder to do.
“I haven’t checked every room, but I think so, yeah, Moonbeam.”
“Did you check the closet?” she whines, peering at the door, already knowing I haven’t.
“I think it’s safe.”
“You should check. In all those scary movies the bad guy is always hiding in the closet… or the bathtub… sometimes the basement, but I don’t have one of those.”
I’m shaking my head, but I walk over to what I assume is the closet, because her eyes haven’t moved from it while she’s been talking. I look inside finding it empty except for a lot of clothes and enough shoes to start about twenty stores. It seems Luna has developed a shoe habit since high school.
“See? All clear,” I tell her, holding the door open so she can peer inside.
“I have three more closets upstairs, Gavin,” she says, her face deadly serious. “You know it’s funny, until now, I thought closets were a good thing, the more the merrier. Now, I’m regretting that very thing.”
I have to laugh, though I do it quietly and try to hide it from her, but she’s damn cute and she looks so miserable that she has closets that I can’t keep from it.
“I’ll go check upstairs,” I tell her. I go to walk around her, but she reaches out and grabs my hand.
“You can’t go alone. I’ll go with you.”
“Luna—”
“Don’t argue with me, Gavin. I’m the mayor.”
I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but I just shrug. Luna’s grabbed hold of my hand and our fingers are interlocking. I’m not in the mood to argue. Mostly I’m wondering if I’m going to be able to control myself enough to wait until I get back to my hotel room or if I’m going to have to jack myself off now. I’m also wondering if I could excuse myself to go to the bathroom and relieve the pressure there. My balls hurt I need her so much right now.
After I’ve taken her through the entire house and made sure the place is secure, we wind up back in the living room. Luna’s hand is still in mine and it feels good. She looks up at me, smiling.
“Thanks, Gavin.”
“You’re welcome,” I tell her, my voice sounding unusually gruff as I try to deal with all of the hunger and emotions that being close to Luna evokes.
“I wanted to ask you something,” she says, her gaze dropping down to the floor.
I reach out, putting my finger under her chin and bringing her gaze back to me.
“What did you want to ask?”
“Joshua has an awards ceremony tomorrow. He’s on the honor roll for the third straight time. If you’d like to come, he might… it might make him feel good.”
“I’ll be there,” I tell her quickly. Emotion moves through me so swiftly that I can barely keep myself from yelling out the words. I want to be at his awards program, I want to take part in everything that happens with him.
“Good,” she says with a smile, stepping into me.
“Good,” I tell her, holding myself so solid that it’s almost painful.
She’s killing me.
“Do you ever wonder, Gavin?”
“Wonder what, Moonbeam?”
“What it would be like to kiss me after all these years?”
“Luna—”
“Because I’ve been wondering what it would be like to kiss you, Gavin,” she whispers, and I shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t give in because I know she’s drunk. I should remind her we have kissed. I should remind her that she is dating Kingston. I should do anything but take advantage of the situation.
I should, but I just can’t stop myself.
“Then kiss me, Moonbeam,” I tell her, and when she steps into me, stands up on the tips of her toes to press her lips to mine, I’m lost…
Chapter Forty-Eight
Luna
I’m going to hell.
I’d never be brave enough to do this fully sober. I’m not that drunk. I know Gavin’s kissed me. I know I’m playing with fire. I just don’t seem to care. As I press my lips to his, I feel his arms go around me and that gives me courage more than anything else could. My tongue slips into his mouth, and I can’t help but groan at the tangy flavor that is and always has been Gavin. If you were to ask me to describe it, I probably couldn’t. The closest I can come is that kissing Gavin always tastes a little… wicked. It’s dirty, raw, and I know it’s probably something I shouldn’t be doing. It always has been, but it’s something that I never want to stop.
