Broken, page 18
I leaned in closer until my lips nudged against her ear. “Does my precious want a kiss?”
She didn’t have to answer. The bashful smile playing on her lips told me she was feeling everything I was. Nerves took over. I’d never cared before. I was a Carter — they were just lucky to be with me. Not Annie. I was the one lucky to be with her.
I stroked a hand over her cheeks, closed my eyes, and kissed her. Her hand rubbed against my forearm as she moaned into my mouth. Each unexplored corner was better than the finest wine. I wanted to get drunk simply from her taste. Her ample breasts lifted to meet my chest; her nipples were like tiny pebbles. Punctuation marks separated only by the material of two thin cotton shirts.
I had become unhinged. Watching a woman become undone with pleasure as a direct result of my touch was a favorite pastime of mine. But sex was sex. Quick and dirty. Plain and straightforward. In and out. Women only served the purpose of satisfying a need. However, everything I thought I knew had changed when I finally kissed a girl I cared about. Annie had changed everything.
I needed more. More of Annie’s touch, her taste, her smell, the sounds coming from her lips. I needed more Annie.
Hell, I was a dirtbag and didn’t deserve to taste her sweet lips. Too late, I would never let her go again.
Chapter 27
Annie López
My life had been an ever-revolving merry-go-round. I’d been holding my breath for months, waiting for what was to come, never believing it would be Clay.
His tongue traced over my lips, forcing them open. I’d never been more aware of touch and how it set every other sense in motion. I wanted to take in every movement he made and the way our bodies moved as one, but I wasn’t sure what to focus on first.
He pulled back and inhaled as if he hadn’t taken a breath in forever. He tightened the grip he had on the back of my head. I clamped my eyes tighter, unable to look at him. His breathing slowed into shallow, quiet breaths.
I stilled, not knowing what to expect next. Was Clay going to kiss me more? Was that it? Did I do something wrong?
“You are unbelievably perfect,” he whispered. “I could look at you forever.”
I started to open my eyes, but Clay stopped me with a gentle kiss to each eyelid. “Keep them closed. Let me look at you for a few more seconds.”
I sucked my trembling bottom lip into my mouth with my teeth to keep from smiling, but I refused to move and open my eyes.
I couldn’t hold it back any longer and laughed. The laughter poured from my lips. However, I managed to keep my eyelids sealed together.
Clay took my face into his hands and lowered his lips to mine. The laughter ceased as he parted my lips with his tongue. When our tongues met, I knew we were working as one.
I’d dreamed about that moment more times than I would admit. Clay kissing me. And a kiss had never affected me like that before. I was falling hard. I was falling in love with everything about him.
Clay’s lips grew more demanding as he sucked my tongue deeper into his mouth. The jolt from his lips vibrated all the way to my toes. It was kissing, but it was more, too. It was two people feasting after starving for what seemed like a lifetime.
I read a line in a book once, or maybe, it was some meme, but anyway, it said, someday you’ll meet a person, and you’ll just click—you’re comfortable with them, like you’ve known them your whole life, and you don’t have to be anyone or anything but yourself. That person is your person.
Clay was my person.
Clay pulled back from me, and I concentrated on each ragged breath he took.
“Can I confess something?” he asked.
I nodded, and he closed his eyes.
“I don’t believe in the whole God thing. And even if he was real, I don’t want any part of him. After all, he let someone like you get hurt.”
“The only person who has never let me down has been Jesus. He has been the one good in my life,” I said.
“You really believe that.”
I shrugged. “He saved me when I was still in my mother’s womb, gave me the most magical childhood, loved me when I was a teen and no one else did, and he sent me you just as I was about to give up on life.”
Clay’s arm gave away beneath him, and he dropped down, pressing his weight on me. “Let’s go dancing,” wasn’t what I expected him to say.
****
Clay Carter
The music echoed in the room and pulsated in my ears, but all I could think about was how Annie’s body felt. The very thought was more intoxicating than any drug. Annie López had proven she wasn’t a girl I could bag and throw to the side. She owned me in a way that boggled the mind. The strategy at that point was to take it one step at a time and see where she led me, but focusing on the end result could easily screw up the entire process.
Annie’s hand was in her hair again. Each time she removed her hand, it left her hair a little messier, only making her more arousing.
“I need to use the little boy’s room,” I said, and adjusted her shirt collar. I had to step away.
The aches had only been getting worse, and I’d waited until it was too late. The throbbing pain had been building all night into a deep, intense throb but I was having too much fun.
By the time the song had finished, the pain had reached unbearable limits. It was the kind of pain which brought about nausea and blurred vision. But I never wanted Annie to see that side of me.
I’d only excused myself to take a few pain pills and hoped it would not turn into a fiasco.
With each step I took, an excruciating pain shot up my legs and straight to my head. As I walked through the bathroom door, I pulled a bottle of meds from my pocket and unscrewed the top when a sudden jolt of pain shook me to my knees. I tried to scream, but I didn’t even have the oxygen in my lungs to make a noise. I gasped for breath, inducing a stream of bile to erupt from my lips. An entire smorgasbord of the food I had eaten the last twenty-four hours and a whole bottle of medicine exploded over the room.
I leaned back against the wall, screwed. My life had come down to lying on the bathroom floor in a rundown bar, covered in vomit, and unable to even make myself stand up.
A bouncer came in mumbling something about Annie. Then Annie dashed through the door, and I panicked.
Annie kneeled beside me and had my vomit-covered body in her arms. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt like this?” Her face contorted, and a teardrop fell down her left cheek.
“I’ll be okay. Just give me a minute,” I said, and smiled through the pain still ripping apart my body.
Her grip intensified as she pondered the room around us. “I’ll be okay,” I said to reassure her.
She glanced back down at my face. I nodded my head in unison with hers. After a kiss on the head, she released me and left me alone to gather my thoughts. I scurried to pick the pills off the floor when I noticed Rae standing over me. “Sorry about this. I’ve just been getting muscle cramps. I would never want to leave this mess behind,” I said, trying to get rid of the heaviness settling into every nerve in my body.
“Quit the bullshit,” Rae said, and stomped her foot over the last remaining pill on the floor. “Clay, you promised me you would never get wrapped up in this shit.”
“It’s not what it looks like.” The overwhelming fear of what Annie thought radiated from my face and burned my eyes.
“I won’t have this going down in my bar,” Rae snarled in a decibel too loud.
I gripped the edge of the sink to help me stand, and the floor swayed under my feet. Rae’s hand shot out, I thought to steady myself, but instead, she clasped my lower arm, digging her nails deep into my skin.
“Rae, I know what I’m doing. And you need to get off your high horse because it’s you that has let me drink at your bar since I was eighteen.”
Rae’s eyes bulged out of her head, and I wasn’t positive that she wasn’t ready to slam the fist she was making at her side against my face. My instincts told me I should have been scared, but after the day I’d had, I didn’t care anymore.
“I deserve an explanation.” Anger flashed in Rae’s eyes. She was pointing at me, and it was threatening.
It forced me to walk away but not without one last statement. “The only person who deserves anything from me is Annie.”
Annie was waiting right outside the restroom door, and by the way she was appraising me, I was sure she heard every word said between Rae and me.
I raised my chin a fraction as I pulled my baseball cap down.
Annie smiled, and the tension started to ease away. I realized just how much the pain was growing inside of me. I needed to hit the sack ASAP, but first, Annie needed an explanation.
I no longer denied the feelings I had for her. They went past friendship, and the way she was staring at me, I knew it did for her, too. But I wasn’t a selfish person and hated the fact I’d brought her into my chaos. But I’d never wanted anything more than Annie. That was a pain I couldn’t endure. And I knew pain all too well. Just trying to function and carry out my daily routine was becoming a chore I found more difficult with each passing day, and it did nothing to ease any guilt I felt when I thought about what I wanted with Annie.
“Annie,” I started to say, when I fell over and into her arms.
“Are you okay? You need me to take you to the ER?”
I’d never been one to look for sympathy, and surely didn’t want any from Annie, but the days of hiding were ending.
“I need legs that work, my tiny dancer.”
It’s her! Annie is my tiny dancer! But that means she’s ……
****
Annie López
“I need to use the little boy’s room,” Clay said, as he turned to rush across the dance floor. I took a seat at our booth in the corner and followed him with my eyes. He had a superior behind, and I wasn’t wasting the chance to stare at it.
I finished a wine cooler and had ordered a second one and still had no sign of Clay emerging. Worrying was becoming an understatement.
I threw back my second drink and motioned for Rae. “Can you check on Clay? He’s been in the bathroom for about twenty minutes.”
“Sure thing, sweetie.” Rae winked and motioned for a bouncer. “This worried look is quite attractive. I can see why Clay is crazy about you.”
Compliments were not what I was fishing for. I wanted Clay. My heart raced. My veins scraped over the grit in the blood coursing through me.
Unable to sit there another second, I bolted to the restroom when the bouncer came running out.
“Clay, what’s wrong?”
I urged the door open, meeting resistance. “Don’t come in. Please, Annie.”
Clay was on his hands and knees. Pills scattered across the floor. Vomit coated the walls. It looked like a frat party had exploded in the room. Clay had a wad of paper towels in his hand trying to clean the space.
I didn’t even take a breath before I had him in my arms. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt like this?”
“I’ll be okay. Just give me a minute,” Clay said, and faked a smile laced with excruciating pain.
I didn’t want to give him a nanosecond much less a minute, but I was acutely aware if Clay and I were ever to work, time was the least of what I had to give.
I needed to feel the softness of his skin. I placed a kiss on his forehead and walked away but waited right outside the restroom door to hear him. Not even caring I was using my bad eavesdropping skills on Clay.
My heart melted when I heard him say, “The only person who deserves anything from me is Annie.”
Clay stumbled out the bathroom door and pinched the bill of his cap. The stupid grin on my face was all too real. I tried suppressing it because Clay’s pain was nothing to smile about, but his words were. They made me happy. My heart exploded with a happiness I haven’t experienced since I was a little girl dancing for my biggest fan.
“Annie,” Clay started to say, when he fell over and into my arms.
“Are you okay? You need me to take you to the ER?”
“I need legs that work, my tiny dancer.”
Chapter 28
Clay Carter
It’s her! Annie is my tiny dancer! But that means she’s …
My granny once told me that every human got an act two in this world. Some even got three or four acts. She forgot to mention that those acts could come about by the lies of others.
I took two steps back from Annie. The past few months played over in my head like an old B-rated movie. All the unintended innuendos my granny made about Annie’s past, the way my father acted when Annie’s name was said, the irrational anger my mother had at seeing us together all made sense. Annie didn’t need to look any further. I knew who her dad was ... mine.
I had no choice but to leave, so I turned my back on her wide-eyed stare and left her standing in the middle of that dance floor.
The heavy wood door slammed behind me, obstructing any connection I’d formed with Annie. Outside, the skies had opened, and rain poured down my face. I needed fresh air and the ability to control the panic settling into every pore in my body. The shooting pain in my legs couldn’t compete with the pulverizing of my heart. It hurt everywhere. She may never be mine, but I would always take care of her.
I love her, damn it.
I took out my cell to text Will.
Me: I had to leave Annie at the old bar out on Route 41A. Can you pick her up? Her being alone there terrifies me.
Will: You ass, why did you leave her?
Me: Please, I’ll explain later.
Will: I’m doing this for Annie. Not you. And your excuse better be good.
For a June day, it was unseasonably cold, and the rain was no longer falling; it was pummeling me. Raindrops stung my face as I raced down the streets, making it hard even to keep my eyes open.
I focused on the road ahead of me to turn off all the random thoughts running through my mind.
Why did my dad not just tell me, instead of just saying I couldn’t keep her?
How could my granny not stop me from falling for a girl who was off-limits?
Hell, why didn’t anyone tell me I had a sister?
Annie, Annie, Annie, my tiny dancer, would always be everything good in my life.
I fished the cell out of my pocket and speed-dialed my granny. She answered on the third ring.
“Lucky,” she said in the jolliest voice. She was happy while my world crumbled around me.
“Do you promise to tell me the truth?” I asked. The air rushed from my lungs as if a sumo wrestler had kicked me in the balls.
“What’s wrong?” she answered. Her voice grew serious, showing she knew I wasn’t playing around anymore.
“Is Wes Carter, Annie’s dad?” Just the sound of the combination of those words coming out of my mouth was a stab to my heart.
“Clay,” came out of Granny’s lips. It had been years since she had said my given name. “Come by the house and let’s talk.”
“Just answer my damn question.”
“Yes, but ...”
I never gave her time to finish before tossing the cell phone over my shoulder — I wasn’t even sure if I pressed end — and sped down the highway, trying to escape Annie’s touch.
A touch I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to.
Forgetting meant I would have forgotten how it felt to be alive.
A complete loss surged through my veins.
She had shown me I could be with just one girl and be damn happy about it. She had completed me. Annie had been no more than a pipe dream. Pain sliced through me again.
I understood what had happened to my father. He had lost his sun, the day the universe took Evie away. The same universe that had taken my Annie.
My eyes stung. I blinked back the few unshed tears, refusing to cry. I didn’t cry. I fought, but I had nothing to fight for. Annie was untouchable. She was my damn sister.
How could my dad let me commit incest? The world I knew was distorting before me.
****
Annie López
First, a smile faded then it turned into a view of Clay’s backside as he walked away, leaving me all alone. It was a reaction I should have known how to process, but Clay stirred a whole newfound loneliness.
My phone buzzed, alerting me I had a new text message. I grabbed it out of my pocket praying it was Clay.
It was Will.
Will: I’ll be there in about ten minutes. Clay sent a message. Sorry for whatever happened.
What happened was a mystery even to me. It was making me anxious and nauseous every second I didn’t hear from Clay.
I glanced back down at my phone and decided to text Clay.
Me: What happened? Are you okay?
I never shifted my eyes off the phone as I waited. With each minute that ticked by on the clock without a word from Clay, my stomach twisted into a tighter knot. I knew what we had wasn’t forever, but I thought it would last longer than a minute. I tossed a beer bottle in the nearest trashcan … pissed.
Will walked in and found me sitting in the corner. I slipped my phone in my back pocket. Clay had walked out of my life. No explanation. No goodbyes. Just walked away. At least he sent Will to pick up the pieces. I didn’t want Will, though. I wanted Clay.
A hot tear slithered down my face. I was no longer crying for the past I’d lived, but the future I would never have.
“You don’t look happy to see me,” Will said, and reached for my hand to help me stand. “But I better get you out of here before the wolves descend.”
When we climbed into Will’s old Ford pickup, the conversation shifted to Clay. “So, do you have any idea what’s up with Clay? He doesn’t normally leave a girl alone in a bar. Much less the one he has completely changed for.”
